The cobbler"s last still protruded from his head, and the whole city was quiet.
Seventeen.
After their engagement party, the young couple stayed up all night and talked. This was how he was trying to see it two hours after dawn, as he waited in line with the rush-hour crowd for his bus out to Rudow. He needed a sequence, a story. He needed order. One thing after another. He boarded the bus and found a seat. His lips were forming the words as he carried through the actions. He found a seat and sat down. After the fight, he brushed his teeth for ten minutes. Then they put a blanket over the body. Or was it, they covered the body with a blanket, and then he went in the bathroom and brushed his teeth for ten minutes. Or twenty. His toothbrush was on the floor, among the broken gla.s.s, under the shelf that had crashed down. The toothpaste had fallen in the basin. The drunk knocked down the shelf and the toothpaste fell in the basin. The toothpaste knew it would be needed, the toothbrush didn"t. The toothpaste was in charge, the toothpaste was the brains ...
They did not, could not, remove the last. It stuck up under the blanket. Maria laughed. It was still there now. They covered up the last, and it was still there. The quick and the last. The quick found a seat, the last had to stand. As they moved along Hasenheide the bus filled. There was standing room only. Then the driver called down to the pavement that there was no more room at all. That was comforting somehow; no one else could get on. For the moment they were safe. As they dropped southward, against the rush-hour flow, the bus began to empty. By the time they reached Rudow village, there was only Leonard, exposed among the lines of seats.
He began the familiar walk. There was more building going on than he remembered. He had not been this way since yesterday. Yesterday morning, before he was engaged. They took a blanket off the bed and spread it over. It was not respect, why had he ever thought it had to do with respect? They had to protect themselves from the sight of it. They had to be able to think. He was going to pull the last out. Perhaps that was respect. Or concealment. He knelt down and took hold. It moved under his touch, like a stick in thick mud. That was why he could not pull it out. Was he going to have to wipe it off, rinse it under the bathroom tap?
They tried to cover up the lot, and it looked silly, a worn-out shoe at one end, at the other the mystery shape looming up, pinching all the blanket that should have been the shoe"s. Maria started laughing, horrible fall-about laughing, full of fear. He could have joined in. She did not try to meet his eye, the way laughing people do. She was alone with it. She was not trying to stop, either. If she had stopped she would have started crying. He could have joined in, but he did not dare. Things could get out of hand. In films, when women laughed like that you were supposed to slap them hard round the face. Then they were silent as they grasped the truth, then they started crying and you comforted them. But he was too tired. She might complain or tell him off or hit him back. Anything might happen.
It already had. Before or after the blanket, he did his teeth. The toothbrush was not enough; as a tool it was insufficient. When he asked her, she fetched him the toothpicks. That was what he had to use to remove what was trapped between an incisor and a canine. He was not sick. He thought of Tottenham and Sunday lunch and his father and himself with the toothpicks, before pudding. His mother never used them. Somehow women did not. He did not swallow the morsel and add to his crimes. Now, every little thing was a plus. He washed it away under the tap and hardly saw it, just a glimpse of something shredded and palest pink, and then he spat and spat again and rinsed his mouth.
And then they had a drink. Or he had already had one to help him lift the last. The wine was gone, the good Mosel was in the skirt. There was nothing but the Naafi gin. No ice, no lemon, no tonic. He took it into the bedroom. She was hanging up the clothes. Not p.i.s.sed on-there was another plus.
She said, Where"s mine? Where"s mine? So he gave her his and went back for another. He was by the table pouring it, trying not to look, when he looked. It had moved. There were two shoes now, and a black sock. They had not turned it over, they had not actually checked to see if it was dead. He watched the blanket for a sign of breathing. It had started with the breathing. Was there a tremor, a little rise and fall? Would it be worse if there were? Then they would have to call an ambulance, before they"d had a chance to talk, to sort out the story. Or they would have to kill him again. He watched the blanket, and watching it made it move. So he gave her his and went back for another. He was by the table pouring it, trying not to look, when he looked. It had moved. There were two shoes now, and a black sock. They had not turned it over, they had not actually checked to see if it was dead. He watched the blanket for a sign of breathing. It had started with the breathing. Was there a tremor, a little rise and fall? Would it be worse if there were? Then they would have to call an ambulance, before they"d had a chance to talk, to sort out the story. Or they would have to kill him again. He watched the blanket, and watching it made it move.
He took his drink into the bedroom and told her. She would not come and look. She was not having it. She had her mind made up. It was dead. The clothes were all hung up and she shut the wardrobe door. She went next door to find the cigarettes, but he knew she had gone to look. She came back and said she could not find them. They sat on the bed and drank their drinks.
When he sat down, his t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es hurt. And his ear, and his collarbone. Someone ought to look after him. But they had to talk, and to talk they had to think. To do that they needed a drink and a sit-down, and that hurt, and so did his ear. He had to get out of these too fast, too tight circles. So he drank the gin. He looked at her as she looked at the ground in front of her feet. She was beautiful, he knew that, but he could not feel it. Her beauty did not affect him the way he wanted it to. He wanted to be moved by her, and for her to remember how she felt about him. Then they could face this together, and decide what it was they were going to tell the police. But looking at her, he did not feel a thing. He touched her arm and she did not look up.
They had to get together so they could be sure they were believed. The police might think she was beautiful, they might even feel it. He only knew it for a fact. If they felt it, they might understand, and that might be the way through. It was self-defense It was self-defense, she would tell them, and that would be all right.
He took his hand off her arm and said, What are we going to tell the police? What are we going to tell the police? She did not speak, she did not even look up. Perhaps he had not spoken. He had meant to, but he had not heard anything himself. He could not remember. She did not speak, she did not even look up. Perhaps he had not spoken. He had meant to, but he had not heard anything himself. He could not remember.
He was walking past the refugee shacks. It hurt to walk. His collarbone only hurt when he lifted his arm, his ear when he touched it, but his t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es hurt when he sat down and when he walked. When he was out of sight of the shacks, he would stand still. He saw a kid with ginger hair, a carrot-top. He had short trousers and scabby knees. He looked like a little bruiser. He looked like an English kid. Leonard had seen him often enough before on his way to work. In all this time they had never spoken or even waved. They just stared, as if they had known each other in a previous life. Today, to bring himself luck, Leonard raised his hand in greeting and half smiled. It hurt when he raised his hand. The kid would not have cared if he had known that, he just stared. The grown-up had broken the rules.
He walked on around the corner and stopped to lean against a tree. Across the road they were building an apartment house. Soon this would not be countryside any longer. The people who lived here would not know what it had once looked like. He would come back and tell them. It never did look very good here It never did look very good here, he would say. So it"s all right. Everything is all right. So it"s all right. Everything is all right. Except the thoughts, on and on. Except the thoughts, on and on.
There was nothing he could do. He touched her arm again, or it was the first time. He asked his question again, or he asked it for the first time and took care that the words were actually spoken.
I know, she said, meaning I share your question, I share your worry I share your question, I share your worry. Or perhaps You"ve asked me this already, and I heard you You"ve asked me this already, and I heard you. Or perhaps I answered you just now I answered you just now.
To keep things going he said, It was self-defense, it was self-defense It was self-defense, it was self-defense.
She sighed. Then she said, They know him They know him.
Yes, he said. So they"ll understand So they"ll understand.
She said in a rush, They liked him, they thought he was a war hero, he told them some kind of story. They thought he was a drunk because of the war. He was a drunk who had to be forgiven. The off-duty ones sometimes bought him a beer. And they thought he was also a drunk because of me. They told me that when I asked them round here once. I wanted protection, and they said, But you"re driving the poor devil crazy They liked him, they thought he was a war hero, he told them some kind of story. They thought he was a drunk because of the war. He was a drunk who had to be forgiven. The off-duty ones sometimes bought him a beer. And they thought he was also a drunk because of me. They told me that when I asked them round here once. I wanted protection, and they said, But you"re driving the poor devil crazy.
He stood up from the bed to help the pain. He wanted to get the gin. He wanted to bring the bottle through. He wanted to look for the cigarettes. There were still three in the pack, but it hurt to walk. And if he went in there, he might see that it had moved again.
He stood by the wardrobe and he said, That"s just the local station, the That"s just the local station, the Ordnungspolizei. Ordnungspolizei. We need to speak to the We need to speak to the Kriminalpolizei, Kriminalpolizei, they"re a different bunch they"re a different bunch. He was saying this, but of course there were no criminals, no crime, it was self-defense.
She said, But the locals will get involved all the same. They have to, it"s their area But the locals will get involved all the same. They have to, it"s their area.
So, he said, what are we going to tell them? what are we going to tell them?
She shook her head. He thought she meant she did not know. But she meant something quite different. It was only two-thirty then, and she already meant something quite different.
Walking his familiar route, he could pretend it had not happened. He was on his way to work, that was all. He would go down into the tunnel, he was looking forward to the tunnel. He had gone out to get the gin. The cigarettes were nowhere. He looked at the shoes. They were further out, he could not doubt it. He could see both socks, and a bare patch of leg with spa.r.s.e hair. He hurried into the bedroom and told her, but she did not look up. She had folded her arms and she was staring at the wall. He shut the door and poured them both a gin. Drinking it, he thought of the Naafi.
I tell you what, he said. We"ll get the British military police. Or the Americans. I"m attached, you see, it"s what I"m meant to do We"ll get the British military police. Or the Americans. I"m attached, you see, it"s what I"m meant to do.
She almost unfolded her arms, then she slotted them back together. I"m involved I"m involved, she said. The German police will have to know The German police will have to know.
He was still standing. He said, I"ll tell them it was all me I"ll tell them it was all me. A mad offer.
She did not smile or soften her voice. She said, You"re sweet and kind. But he"s German, and this apartment is mine, and this was my husband once. They have to tell the German police You"re sweet and kind. But he"s German, and this apartment is mine, and this was my husband once. They have to tell the German police.
He was glad the offer was not taken up. He said, We"re getting bogged down. They might think he was a war hero, but they know he was violent, they know he was a drunk, and jealous, and it"s our word against his, and if we had wanted to kill him we wouldn"t smash his head and report it to the police We"re getting bogged down. They might think he was a war hero, but they know he was violent, they know he was a drunk, and jealous, and it"s our word against his, and if we had wanted to kill him we wouldn"t smash his head and report it to the police.
She said, If we thought we could get away with it, why not? If we thought we could get away with it, why not? And when he did not answer because he had not understood, she said, Totschlag, And when he did not answer because he had not understood, she said, Totschlag, that"s what they"ll say. Manslaughter that"s what they"ll say. Manslaughter.
He was approaching the sentries. It was Jake and Howie on the gate. They were friendly and made a joke about his swollen ear. He still had to show his pa.s.s. It was just as good as it had been the day before. Not everything had changed, it wasn"t all bad. He went on through, past the sentry box, along the path, his usual route. He met no one on his way to his room.
Pinned to his door was a note from Gla.s.s. Meet me in the canteen 1300 hours Meet me in the canteen 1300 hours. The room was as he had left it-the workbench, soldering irons, ohmmeters, voltmeters, valve testing equipment, rolls of cable, boxes of spare parts, a broken umbrella he was intending to fix with solder. This was all his stuff, this was what he did, this was what he really did, all quite legal and aboveboard. Or above one board and below another, and not legal by every definition. There were some definitions they were at war with, there were certain definitions they were committed to eradicating. I"ve got to stop this I"ve got to stop this, he thought, I"ve got to slow down I"ve got to slow down.
Manslaughter, she said. He had to go and sit on the bed, never mind the pain. It sounded worse than murder. Slaughter. It sounded worse. It sounded about right for what they had next door.
He tried something else. I tell you what I tell you what, he said. I should go and see a doctor, straightaway I should go and see a doctor, straightaway.
She said through a yawn, Is it really bad? Is it really bad? One more thing she did not want to think about. One more thing she did not want to think about.
He said, A doctor should look at my collarbone and my ear A doctor should look at my collarbone and my ear. He did not say his t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es. They were hurting now. And he did not want a doctor looking at them, squeezing them and asking him to cough. He writhed where he sat and he said, I should go. Don"t you see, it"s our proof that it was self-defense. I should go while it"s really bad, and they could take photos I should go. Don"t you see, it"s our proof that it was self-defense. I should go while it"s really bad, and they could take photos.
But, he thought, not of my b.a.l.l.s not of my b.a.l.l.s.
And she said, Would you tell them it was self-defense too, that hole in his face? Would you tell them it was self-defense too, that hole in his face?
He sat there and he almost pa.s.sed out.
He went along the corridor to the water fountain. He wanted the water on his face. He pa.s.sed by Gla.s.s"s office and checked. Out-there was another plus. He could wave at boys, or say h.e.l.lo to sentries, but he could not talk to Gla.s.s. He took some valves and other odds and ends from his own office and locked it. There was a small job left over from yesterday. It might help him slow down. An excuse to be in the tunnel, to collect what he had to fetch from there.
If you see the doctor, she said, you have to tell him, and that means the police you have to tell him, and that means the police.
He said, But at least we"ll have the proof of a fight, a fight. He would have torn me to pieces But at least we"ll have the proof of a fight, a fight. He would have torn me to pieces.
Oh yes, she said. The proof of self-defense, but what about the hole? The proof of self-defense, but what about the hole?
Well, he said. You can tell them why I had to do that You can tell them why I had to do that.
But I don"t know why, she said. Tell me, why did you bite him like this? Tell me, why did you bite him like this?
He said, Didn"t Didn"t you see? Didn"t you see? Didn"t you see what he was doing? you see what he was doing?
She shook her head, so he told her. And when he finished she said, I didn"t see that. You were too close I didn"t see that. You were too close.
Well, it"s true, he said.
She sipped her gin and asked him, Did it hurt so bad that you had to bite a hole in his face? Did it hurt so bad that you had to bite a hole in his face?
Of course it did, he said. You"ll You"ll have to tell them you saw it. It"s important that you say that have to tell them you saw it. It"s important that you say that.
She said, But you said we had no need to lie, you said we did nothing wrong, we have nothing to hide from them But you said we had no need to lie, you said we did nothing wrong, we have nothing to hide from them.
Did I say that? he said. he said. I mean, we have done nothing wrong, but we have to make them believe it, we have to get our story right I mean, we have done nothing wrong, but we have to make them believe it, we have to get our story right.
Ah well, she said. Ah so, if we are going to lie, if we are going to pretend things, then we must do it right Ah so, if we are going to lie, if we are going to pretend things, then we must do it right. And she uncrossed her arms and looked at him.
He walked past the spoil piled to the bas.e.m.e.nt ceiling. They said mushrooms sometimes grew on the dark slopes, but he had never seen one. He didn"t want to see one now. He was standing by the rim of the shaft, and he was feeling better. The sound of the generators, the bright bare lights at the mouth of the tunnel, the dim ones up here, the cables and field lines feeding down, the ventilation, the cooling systems ... The systems The systems, he thought, we need systems we need systems. He showed his authority and said to the guard that he would be bringing up a couple of things and he would need the lift. "You got it, sir," the man said.
The old vertical iron ladder was gone. These days you got down by way of a set of stairs that spiraled one and a half turns on the wall of the shaft. They think of everything They think of everything, he thought, the Americans the Americans. They wanted to make things possible, and easy. They wanted to look after you. This pleasant lightweight staircase with the nonslip treads and chain-link banisters, the c.o.ke machines in the corridors, steak and chocolate milk in the canteen. He had seen grown men drinking chocolate milk. The British would have kept the vertical ladder because difficulty was part of a secret operation. Americans thought of "Heartbreak Hotel" and "Tutti Frutti" and playing catch on the rough ground outside, grown men with chocolate-milk mustaches playing ball. They were the innocent. How could you steal secrets from them? He had given MacNamee nothing, he hadn"t really tried. There was a plus.
It hurt walking down the stairs. He was glad when he was down. He had found out nothing about Nelson"s technique, how to separate the clear text echoes from the encrypted message. They had these secrets and and they had their chocolate milk. He had found out nothing. He had tried a couple of doors. He had not lied to MacNamee, and he had stolen nothing so he did not need to lie to Gla.s.s. they had their chocolate milk. He had found out nothing. He had tried a couple of doors. He had not lied to MacNamee, and he had stolen nothing so he did not need to lie to Gla.s.s.
She said again, If we tell them lies If we tell them lies ... Then she let it hang, and it was his turn. ... Then she let it hang, and it was his turn.
He said, We have to be together, we have to have it clear. They"ll take us in separate rooms and look for contradictions We have to be together, we have to have it clear. They"ll take us in separate rooms and look for contradictions. Then he stopped and said, But there isn"t even a lie we can tell them. What can we say, that he slipped on the bathroom floor? But there isn"t even a lie we can tell them. What can we say, that he slipped on the bathroom floor?
I know, she said. I know know, by which she meant You"re right, so move on to the inevitable conclusion You"re right, so move on to the inevitable conclusion. But he did not move. He sat and thought about standing up. He poured more gin. It did not seem to reach him somehow, this lukewarm drink.
In the tunnel there was silky black air sifted by machine, and manmade silence, and competence, ingenuity, discretion everywhere he looked. He had the valves in his hand, he was on a job. He walked between the old railway lines, the lines that had brought the dirt out.
You"re drinking too much, she said. We have to think We have to think.
He emptied the cup so he could put it down on the bed. He could think better when he closed his eyes. It hurt his ear less.
I"ll tell you another thing, she said. Are you listening? Don"t go to sleep. They know at the Rathaus, the city hall, that he was claiming a right to this place. They have the correspondence, all the papers Are you listening? Don"t go to sleep. They know at the Rathaus, the city hall, that he was claiming a right to this place. They have the correspondence, all the papers.
He said, So what? His claim was all nonsense, you told me So what? His claim was all nonsense, you told me.
Es macht nichts, she said. He had a grievance, and we had a reason to quarrel He had a grievance, and we had a reason to quarrel You mean a motive, he said. You"re saying that would be our motive? Do we look like people who solve a housing dispute this way? You"re saying that would be our motive? Do we look like people who solve a housing dispute this way?
Who knows? she said. she said. It"s difficult to find a place here. In Berlin, people have killed each other for less than that It"s difficult to find a place here. In Berlin, people have killed each other for less than that.
All that says, he said, is that he had a grievance and he came here to fight and it was self-defense is that he had a grievance and he came here to fight and it was self-defense.
When she thought they were getting nowhere she folded her arms again. She said, At work I heard this English word At work I heard this English word, manslaughter, from the major. He told me. This happened the year before I started work there. One of the mechanics in the workshops, a German civilian, got in a fight in a from the major. He told me. This happened the year before I started work there. One of the mechanics in the workshops, a German civilian, got in a fight in a Kneipe Kneipe with another man and he killed him. He hit him over the head with a beer bottle and it killed him. He was drunk, and angry, but he didn"t mean to kill. He was very sorry when he saw what he had done with another man and he killed him. He hit him over the head with a beer bottle and it killed him. He was drunk, and angry, but he didn"t mean to kill. He was very sorry when he saw what he had done.
And what happened to him?
He was sent to prison for five years. He"s still there now, I think.
It was a normal day in the tunnel. Hardly anyone around, everything in order, the place running smoothly. It was fine, it was how the rest of the world should be. He stopped and looked. Tied to this fire extinguisher was a label showing that the weekly check had been carried out at 1030 hours the day before. Here were the initials of the engineer, his office phone number, the date of the next check. Perfection. Here was a telephone point, and by it a list of numbers: the duty officer, security, the firefighting unit, the recording room, the tap chamber. This cl.u.s.ter of lines, held in bunches like a little girl"s hair with a bright new clip, ran from the amplifiers to the recording room. These were the lines to the tap chamber, this piping circulated water to cool the electronics, these were the ventilation ducts, this line carried a separate current to the alarm systems, this was a sensor with a probe out deep into the surrounding soil. He put his hand out and touched them. It all worked, he loved them all.
He opened his eyes. Neither of them had spoken for five minutes. Perhaps twenty minutes had gone by. He opened his eyes and started speaking. But this wasn"t like a fight in a pub But this wasn"t like a fight in a pub, he said. He attacked me, he could have killed me He attacked me, he could have killed me. He stopped and remembered. He attacked you first, he had you by the throat He attacked you first, he had you by the throat. He had forgotten her throat. Let me look Let me look, he said. How does it feel? How does it feel? There were red marks all the way around and right up to her chin. He had forgotten about that. There were red marks all the way around and right up to her chin. He had forgotten about that.
It hurts when I swallow, she said.
There you are, he said. You should come with me to the doctor. This is going to be our story, and it"s the truth, it"s what happened. He would have strangled you You should come with me to the doctor. This is going to be our story, and it"s the truth, it"s what happened. He would have strangled you.
Yes, he thought. I stopped him I stopped him.
She said, It"s four o"clock. No doctor will see us now. And even if he did, I tell you It"s four o"clock. No doctor will see us now. And even if he did, I tell you. She stopped, and then she unfolded her arms. I tell you, I"m thinking all the time about the police, and what they see when they come in here tell you, I"m thinking all the time about the police, and what they see when they come in here.
We"ll take the blanket off first, he said.
She said, It doesn"t matter about the blanket. I tell you what they see. A mutilated corpse It doesn"t matter about the blanket. I tell you what they see. A mutilated corpse.
Don"t say that, he said.
A smashed-in skull, she said, and a hole in his face. And what do we have between us? A red ear, a sore throat? and a hole in his face. And what do we have between us? A red ear, a sore throat?
And my b.a.l.l.s, he thought, but he didn"t say a thing.
There were a couple of technicians working by the amplifiers. All he had to do was nod at them. Then he stopped at the end of the racks. There was a desk, and there they were, stowed underneath, just as he remembered them. But he could stop on the way back. He had to do his job, it would help him. Not even that. He wanted to do it, he had to hold on. He pa.s.sed through the pressurized doors, into the tap chamber. There were two men in here as well, people he always said h.e.l.lo to but never got to know. One had the headphones on, the other was writing. They smiled at him. Talking was discouraged in here; you could whisper if it was essential, that was all. The one who was writing pointed to the swollen ear and grimaced.
One of the two recorders, the one not in use, needed a valve replacement. He sat down to the job and took his time uns.c.r.e.w.i.n.g the cover plates. This was what he would have been doing if nothing had happened. He wanted it to last. He replaced the valve and then he poked around, looking at the connections and the soldered points on the signal activation. When he had the covers back on he continued to sit there, pretending to think.
He must have fallen asleep. He was on his back, the light was on, he was fully dressed and he couldn"t remember a thing. Then he remembered. She was shaking his arm and he sat up.
She said, You can"t sleep and leave everything to me You can"t sleep and leave everything to me.
It was coming back to him. He said, Everything I say, you"re against it. You tell me Everything I say, you"re against it. You tell me.
She said, I don"t want to tell you. I want you to see it for yourself I don"t want to tell you. I want you to see it for yourself.
See what? he said. he said.
For the first time in hours she stood. She put her hand to her throat and said, They won"t believe it about self defense. No one will. If we tell them, then we go to prison They won"t believe it about self defense. No one will. If we tell them, then we go to prison.
He was looking around for the gin bottle, which wasn"t where he left it. She must have moved it, and that was fine with him because now he was feeling sick. He said, I don"t think that"s necessarily true I don"t think that"s necessarily true. But he did not mean it; it was true, they were going to prison, German prison.
So, she said. I have to say it. Someone has to say it, so I"ll say it We don"t have to tell them, we don"t say a thing. We take him out of here and put him where they don"t find him I have to say it. Someone has to say it, so I"ll say it We don"t have to tell them, we don"t say a thing. We take him out of here and put him where they don"t find him.
Oh my G.o.d, he said.
And if they do find him one day, she said, and they come and tell me, I"ll say, Oh, that"s very sad, but he was a drunk and a war hero, he was bound to get into trouble and they come and tell me, I"ll say, Oh, that"s very sad, but he was a drunk and a war hero, he was bound to get into trouble.
Oh G.o.d, he said, and then, If they see us taking him out of here, then we"re finished, it will look like murder. Murder If they see us taking him out of here, then we"re finished, it will look like murder. Murder.