--The American!
July 18th.
Still another day, and no news from the publisher"s. The time is nearly up--I can not wait much longer.
They have rejected The Captive! They have rejected The Captive! In G.o.d"s name, what does it mean? They have rejected The Captive!
I stared at the paper in blank consternation! I couldn"t realize the words, I couldn"t understand what they meant. Such a thing never occurred to me in my wildest moment.
What is the matter with them--are they mad? Great G.o.d, that any human creature!--And without a line about it!
--"We have carefully considered the MS. which you have kindly offered us, and regret that we are not advised to undertake its publication. We are returning the MS. with thanks for your courtesy in submitting it."
That letter came to me like a blow in the face.--I have spent hours to-night pacing the streets, almost speechless. Fools!
--But I will not let such a thing disturb me for an instant. Yes, they are a great publishing-house--but such things as I have seen them publish! And they "regret." Well, you _will_ regret, some day, never fear!
July 19th.
The ma.n.u.script arrived this morning. I took it up-stairs and sat down, trembling, and read it all again.
I wish that I could see the man or woman who read that poem and rejected it--just that I might see what kind of looking person it is. Oh, the wildness of it, the surge and the roar of it! The glory of it!
I can not afford to waste my time worrying about such things. I only say "Fools!"
--I took it to another publisher. I don"t know any in particular, but I will try the best. This publisher didn"t seem very anxious to read it. Go ahead, try it!--Or are you a fool too?
--Of course I shall have to begin tramping around, looking for some work again. I must find something better than the last.
July 20th.
Nervous, impatient--it is so that I have lived. Never to waste an instant has been my pa.s.sion. I have struggled, watched, fought for a minute. If ever I were held back or kept idle it drove me wild, and I burst through everything. It has always been a torture to me not to be thinking something.
But less of that torture than I have now, I think I never had; it seems as if I had won the mastery--I mind nothing any more. I walk upon the air, and I never tire. Thoughts--endless thoughts--come to me without ever the asking; nothing disturbs me, nothing hinders me--I take everything along with me.--I am full of impulse, of life, of energy!--
I am the owner of the sphere, Of the seven stars and the solar year, Of Caesar"s hand and Plato"s brain!--
And this when I have spent all the day looking for work!--answering advertis.e.m.e.nts, and tramping to this place and that! Discouraging?--what does the word mean?
--I am the man who has never learned to shiver and shake!
I thought of a young Irishman I worked with a long time ago. "Once I went into a place, and says I, "I"d like to be havin" a job." An" he looked me over, an" he says, says he, "Git oot!" An" so I thought I"d better git oot!"
It might take me some time to find a publisher, I was thinking to-day. I do not know anything about publishers. But once get it before the world, that is the thing! I fear nothing, I can wait. It is done, that is all I can think of. --The rest "must follow, as the night the day."
July 21st.
To-night I sat by the bedside trembling, thinking of what I had learned.
Oh, this faith that I have gained, it must go forth among men! A prayer welled up in my soul--I have learned what I can do--I have learned that I can do what I will! I have seen the infinite heights that lie beyond--oh, let me not fail! The hopes of unborn generations are in my soul.
--That is true. What systems shall come of this vision of mine, what new ways of beauty, what new happiness and new freedom! That thought has shaken the very depths of my soul.
It makes me leap up--it makes me wish to go! Why should I not start now?
Why should I waste to-day?
July 22d.
I have been making plans. I must get to work. I was racing through all sorts of vast schemes to-day as I walked about the streets hunting for something to do. I will make my Greek perfect first--I can do that while I am walking.
I made an athlete of myself pacing up and down with The Captive! I honestly think I walked ten or twelve hours some days. I have walked all day to-day, but I do not feel tired. I answered advertis.e.m.e.nts in the papers.
--Why are men impolite? I do not believe I could ever learn to speak rudely.
July 23d.
The impossible occupations that I have thought of, in trying to solve my problem! To-day I saw myself a lighthouse-keeper! What does a lighthouse-keeper do, anyway? And could I manage to get such a place where I could be alone by myself?