"He was very kind when you were all sick."
"Well, you ought to know better than Lottie; you"ve seen him so much more." Ellen was silent, and her mother advanced cautiously, "I suppose he is very cultivated."
"How can I tell? I"m not."
"Why, Ellen, I think you are. Very few girls have read so much."
"Yes, but he wouldn"t care if I were cultivated, Ha is like all the rest. He would like to joke and laugh. Well, I think that is nice, too, and I wish I could do it. But I never could, and now I can"t try. I suppose he wonders what makes me such a dead weight on you all."
"You know you"re not that, Ellen! You musn"t let yourself be morbid. It hurts me to have you say such things."
"Well, I should like to tell him why, and see what he would say."
"Ellen!"
"Why not? If he is a minister he must have thought about all kinds of things. Do you suppose he ever knew of a girl before who had been through what I have? Yes, I would like to know what he would really say."
"I know what he ought to say! If he knew, he would say that no girl had ever behaved more angelically."
"Do you think he would? Perhaps he would say that if I hadn"t been so proud and silly--Here he comes! Shall we ask him?"
Breckon approached with his map, and her mother gasped, thinking how terrible such a thing would be if it could be; Ellen smiled brightly up at him. "Will you take my chair? And then you can show momma your map. I am going down," and while he was still protesting she was gone.
"Miss Kenton seems so much better than she did the first day," he said, as he spread the map out on his knees, and gave Mrs. Kenton one end to hold.
"Yes," the mother a.s.sented, as she bent over to look at it.
She followed his explanation with a surface sense, while her nether mind was full of the worry of the question which Ellen had planted in it.
What would such a man think of what she had been through? Or, rather, how would he say to her the only things that in Mrs. Kenton"s belief he could say? How could the poor child ever be made to see it in the light of some mind not colored with her family"s affection for her? An immense, an impossible longing possessed itself of the mother"s heart, which became the more insistent the more frantic it appeared. She uttered "Yes" and "No" and "Indeed" to what he was saying, but all the time she was rehearsing Ellen"s story in her inner sense. In the end she remembered so little what had actually pa.s.sed that her dramatic reverie seemed the reality, and when she left him she got herself down to her state-room, giddy with the shame and fear of her imaginary self-betrayal. She wished to test the enormity, and yet not find it so monstrous, by submitting the case to her husband, and she could scarcely keep back her impatience at seeing Ellen instead of her father.
"Momma, what have you been saying to Mr. Breckon about me?"
"Nothing," said Mrs. Kenton, aghast at first, and then astonished to realize that she was speaking the simple truth. "He said how much better you were looking; but I don"t believe I spoke a single word. We were looking at the map."
"Very well," Ellen resumed. "I have been thinking it all over, and now I have made up my mind."
She paused, and her mother asked, tremulously, "About what, Ellen?"
"You know, momma. I see all now. You needn"t be afraid that I care anything about him now," and her mother knew that she meant Bittridge, "or that I ever shall. That"s gone forever. But it"s gone," she added, and her mother quaked inwardly to hear her reason, "because the wrong and the shame was all for me--for us. That"s why I can forgive it, and forget. If we had done anything, the least thing in the world, to revenge ourselves, or to hurt him, then--Don"t you see, momma?"
"I think I see, Ellen."
"Then I should have to keep thinking about it, and what we had made him suffer, and whether we hadn"t given him some claim. I don"t wish ever to think of him again. You and poppa were so patient and forbearing, all through; and I thank goodness now for everything you put up with; only I wish I could have borne everything myself."
"You had enough to bear," Mrs. Kenton said, in tender evasion.
"I"m glad that I had to bear so much, for bearing it is what makes me free now." She went up to her mother and kissed her, and gazed into her face with joyful, tearful looks that made her heart sink.
XIV.
Mrs. Kenton did not rest till she had made sure from Lottie and Boyne that neither of them had dropped any hint to Ellen of what happened to Bittridge after his return to Tuskingum. She did not explain to them why she was so very anxious to know, but only charged them the more solemnly not to let the secret, which they had all been keeping from Ellen, escape them.
They promised, but Lottie said, "She"s got to know it some time, and I should think the sooner the better."
"I will be judge of that, Lottie," said her mother, and Boyne seized his chance of inculpating her with his friend, Mr. Pogis. He said she was carrying on awfully with him already; and an Englishman could not understand, and Boyne hinted that he would presume upon her American freedom.
"Well, if he does, I"ll get you to cowhide him, Boyne," she retorted, and left him fuming helplessly, while she went to give the young Englishman an opportunity of resuming the flirtation which her mother had interrupted.
With her husband Mrs. Kenton found it practicable to be more explicit.
"I haven"t had such a load lifted off my heart since I don"t know when.
It shows me what I"ve thought all along: that Ellen hasn"t really cared anything for that miserable thing since he first began going with Mrs.
Uphill a year ago. When he wrote that letter to her in New York she wanted to be sure she didn"t, and when he offered himself and misbehaved so to both of you, she was afraid that she and you were somehow to blame. Now she"s worked it out that no one else was wronged, and she is satisfied. It"s made her feel free, as she says. But, oh, dear me!" Mrs.
Kenton broke off, "I talk as if there was nothing to bind her; and yet there is what poor Richard did! What would she say if she knew that?
I have been cautioning Lottie and Boyne, but I know it will come out somehow. Do you think it"s wise to keep it from her? Hadn"t we better tell her? Or shall we wait and see--"
Kenton would not allow to her or to himself that his hopes ran with hers; love is not business with a man as it is with a woman; he feels it indecorous and indelicate to count upon it openly, where she thinks it simply a chance of life, to be considered like another. All that Kenton would say was, "I see no reason for telling her just yet. She will have to know in due time. But let her enjoy her freedom now."
"Yes," Mrs. Kenton doubtfully a.s.sented.
The judge was thoughtfully silent. Then he said: "Few girls could have worked out her problem as Ellen has. Think how differently Lottie would have done it!"
"Lottie has her good points, too," said Mrs. Kenton. "And, of course, I don"t blame Richard. There are all kinds of girls, and Lottie means no more harm than Ellen does. She"s the kind that can"t help attracting; but I always knew that Ellen was attractive, too, if she would only find it out. And I knew that as soon as anything worth while took up her mind she would never give that wretch another thought."
Kenton followed her devious ratiocinations to a conclusion which he could not grasp. "What do you mean, Sarah?"
"If I only," she explained, in terms that did not explain, "felt as sure of him as I do about him!"
Her husband looked densely at her. "Bittridge?"
"No. Mr. Breckon. He is very nice, Rufus. Yes, he is! He"s been showing me the map of Holland, and we"ve had a long talk. He isn"t the way we thought--or I did. He is not at all clerical, or worldly. And he appreciates Ellen. I don"t suppose he cares so much for her being cultivated; I suppose she doesn"t seem so to him. But he sees how wise she is--how good. And he couldn"t do that without being good himself!
Rufus! If we could only hope such a thing. But, of course, there are thousands after him!"
"There are not thousands of Ellens after him," said the judge, before he could take time to protest. "And I don"t want him to suppose that she is after him at all. If he will only interest her and help her to keep her mind off herself, it"s all I will ask of him. I am not anxious to part with her, now that she"s all ours again."
"Of course," Mrs. Kenton soothingly a.s.sented. "And I don"t say that she dreams of him in any such way. She can"t help admiring his mind. But what I mean is that when you see how he appreciates her, you can"t help wishing he could know just how wise, and just how good she is. It did seem to me as if I would give almost anything to have him know what she had been through with that--rapscallion!"
"Sarah!"
"Oh, you may Sarah me! But I can tell you what, Mr. Kenton: I believe that you could tell him every word of it, and only make him appreciate her the more. Till you know that about Ellen, you don"t know what a character she is. I just ached to tell him!"
"I don"t understand you, my dear," said Kenton. "But if you mean to tell him--"
"Why, who could imagine doing such a thing? Don"t you see that it is impossible? Such a thing would never have come into my head if it hadn"t been for some morbid talk of Ellen"s."
"Of Ellen"s?"