A wild, throbbing Pharisee, stretched out face down on the last step of the Temple, was ravenously kissing the marble, and bellowing. Thick strings of talismans stuffed with terrifying texts from Scripture hung around his neck and arms. Repeated prostrations had made his knees calloused like a camelas; and his face, neck and breast were covered with open, running wounds: every time this tempest of G.o.d threw him down, he would seize sharp stones and mutilate himself.
Andrew and John quickly stepped in front of Jesus so that he would not see the Pharisee. Peter came up to Jacob and leaned over to his ear. aYou know him. Heas Jacob, the oldest son of Joseph the Carpenter. He makes his rounds selling talismans and every two minutes his evil spirit takes hold of him, and he rolls on the ground and literally murders himself.a aIs he the one whoas hunting the master so ravenously?a asked Jacob, stopping for a moment.
aYes. He says heas a disgrace to their house.a They went out by the Gold Door of the Temple, pa.s.sed through the Cedron Valley and began to march toward the Dead Sea. On their right they pa.s.sed the garden and olive grove of Gethsemane. The sky above them was white and burning. They reached the Mount of Olives. The world had sweetened a bit. Light dripped from every leaf of the olive trees; flocks of crows dashed one after the other toward Jerusalem.
Andrew, his arm around Jesus, was speaking about his former master, the Baptist. The closer he came to his lair, the more he breathed in, with terror, the prophetas leonine breath.
aHe is the veritable Elijah. He rushed down from Mount Carmel to heal manas soul once more with fire. One night, with my own eyes, I saw the fiery chariot circle over his head; another night I saw a crow bring in its beak a lighted coal for him to eat. One day I took courage and asked him, aAre you the Messiah?a He shook as though head stepped on a snake. aNo,a he answered with a sigh, aI am the ox who draws the plow. The Messiah is the seed.a a aWhy did you leave his side, Andrew?a aI wanted to find the seed.a aHave you found it?a Andrew pressed Jesusa hand to his heart and blushed violently. aYes,a he answered, but he spoke so softly that Jesus did not hear.
They descended slowly, out of breath, toward the Dead Sea. The sun poured flames over them until their heads rattled. In front of them the mountains of Moab towered higher and higher, an arid wall. Behind them, lime white, were the mountains of Idumea. The road wound and descended more and more. They were entering a deep well, and they all held their breath.
Weare going down to the Inferno, they were all thinking, and they could smell the tar and brimstone.
The light blinded them. They groped their way forward, their feet lacerated, their eyes burning. They heard bells: two camels pa.s.seda"not camels, but mirages which melted away in the violent heat.
aIam afraid,a whispered Zebedeeas younger son. aThis is the Inferno.a aCourage,a Andrew answered him. aHavenat you heard that Paradise is at the heart of the Inferno?a aParadise?a aYouall see shortly.a The sun finally went down. The mountains of Moab turned dark purple, the mountains of Idumea, pinka"bringing comfort to the eyes of men. Suddenly, at a twist in the road, their sight was refresheda"their sight and their bodies, as though they had stepped into cool water. What were those unexpected meadows directly in front of them, right in the sand; what were those waters which chuckled, and the pomegranates charged with fruit and the white, shaded cottages? The air was suddenly perfumed with jasmine and rose.
aJericho,a Andrew shouted happily. aThey have the sweetest dates in the whole world here, and the most miraculous roses: if they wither, all you do is dip them in water and they revive.a The night fell abruptly. The first lamps had already been lighted.
aTo travel, watch the darkness fall, arrive in a village, see the first lamps lighted and have nothing to eat, nor anywhere to sleep, and to let everything depend on G.o.das grace and the goodness of mena"this, I think, is one of the greatest and purest joys in the world,a said Jesus, stopping to enjoy fully this holy moment.
The village dogs scented the strangers and began to bark. Doors opened; lighted lamps appeared, searched the darkness and then returned inside. The companions went to all the doors, knocked, were cheerfully offered here a slice of bread or a pomegranate, there a handful of grapes or of green olives. They ama.s.sed all these alms from G.o.d and man, reclined in the corner of an orchard, ate, and immediately fell asleep. And all night long in their dreams they heard the desert shifting, lulling them to sleep like the sea. But Jesus, in his sleep, heard trumpetsa"and the walls of Jericho came tumbling down.
It was nearly midday when the companions, deathly pale, their tongues hanging out, reached the accursed Dead Sea. Fish that descended the current of the Jordan perished as they touched it; the few squat trees on its banks were like standing bones. The water was leaden, thick, motionless. If you were pious and you leaned over it, you could see two rotted wh.o.r.es, Sodom and Gomorrah, embracing on the black bottom.
Jesus got up on a rock and gazed into the distance: desolation. The earth was burning; the mountains had melted away. He took Andrew by the arm and asked him, aWhere is John the Baptist? I see no one ... no one. ...a aOver there behind the reeds,a Andrew replied, athe river becomes calm. The water forms a pool, and the prophet baptizes. Letas go find him. I know the way.a aYouare tired, Andrew. Stay with the others. Iall go by myself.a aHeas savage. Iall accompany you, Rabbi.a aI want to go by myself, Andrew. Stay here.a He started toward the reeds, his heart pounding strongly. He placed his hand over it and patted it to make it calm. A new flock of crows appeared from the desert and flew hurriedly toward Jerusalem.
Suddenly he heard someone walking behind him. He turned. It was Judas.
aYou forgot to call me,a said the redbeard, smiling caustically. aThis is the most difficult hour, and I want to be with you.a aCome,a Jesus said.
They went forward silently, Jesus in front, Judas behind. They pushed aside the reeds and plunged their feet into the lukewarm river slime. A black snake gave a start, slid onto a rock and lifted its head and neck. It looked at them with its tiny, cunning eyes and hissed, half its body glued to the rock, half standing erect. Jesus stopped for a moment and waved his hand amicably at the snake, as though bidding it welcome. Judas lifted his oaken club, but Jesus put out his arm and restrained him.
aDonat hurt it, Judas, my brother,a he said. aIt too does its dutya"by biting.a The heat was roaring and the south wind which blew from the Dead Sea carried a heavy stench of rotting carca.s.ses. Jesus now began to hear a wild, hoa.r.s.e voice. Now and then he was able to distinguish a few words: aFire ... ax ... barren tree ...a and then, louder: aRepent! Repent!a All at once a large mult.i.tude burst into shouts and wailing. Jesus went forward slowly, craftily, as though approaching the cave of a wild beast. He pushed aside the reeds: the noise increased. Suddenly he bit his lips to prevent himself from screaminga"for there he was, standing on his reed-like legs upon a rock which rose above the waters of the Jordan. Was this a man, a locust, the angel of Hunger, or the archangel of Revenge? Wave after wave of bellowing men broke upon the rocksa"Ethiopians with painted fingernails and eyelashes, Chaldeans with thick bra.s.s rings in their noses, Israelites with long greasy sideburns. Frothing at the mouth, the south wind shaking him like a reed, the Baptist was shouting, aRepent! Repent! The day of the Lord has come! Roll on the ground, bite the dust, howl! The Lord of Hosts has said: aOn this day I shall command the sun to set at noon; I shall crush the horns of the new moon and spill darkness over heaven and earth. I shall reverse your laughter, turn it into tears, and your songs into lamentation. I shall blow, and all your finerya"hands, feet, noses, ears, haira"will fall to the ground.a a Judas strode forward and took Jesus by the arm. aDo you hear? Do you hear? Look! thatas how the Messiah speaks! He is the Messiah!a aNo, Judas, my brother,a Jesus answered; ahe who holds the ax and opens the way for the Messiah speaks in that way, but the Messiah does not.a He bent down, broke off a sharp green leaf and pa.s.sed it between his teeth.
aHe who opens the way is the Messiah,a the redbeard growled. He pushed Jesus in order to make him emerge from the reeds and show himself.
aMove ahead; let him see you,a he ordered. aHe will judge.a Jesus came out into the sunlight, took two hesitating steps, stumbled, and stopped, his eyes glued to the prophet. His whole soul had become a gaze which explored the prophet, ran over his reed-like legs and up to his fiery head and then still higher, to the full invisible stature. The Baptistas back was turned. He felt the vehement stare ransacking his entire body, grew angry, swung completely around and half closed his two round, hawk-like eyes in order to see better. Who was this silent, motionless young man dressed all in white and staring at him? Somewhere, sometime, he had seen him. Where? When? He struggled in agony to remember. Could it have been in a dream? He often dreamed about men dressed similarly all in white. They never talked to him but simply stared and waved their hands as if greeting him or saying goodbye. Then the c.o.c.k of the dawn would crow and they would turn into light and disappear.
Suddenly the Baptist, still looking at him, cried out. He remembered: one day at exactly noon he had lain down on the bank of the river and taken out the Prophet Isaiah, written on a goatskin. All at once stones, water, people, reeds and river vanished; the air filled with fires, trumpets and wings, the words of the prophet opened like doors, and the Messiah stepped forth. He remembered that he was dressed all in white, thin, gnawed by the sun, barefooted and, like this man, he held a green leaf between his teeth!
The asceticas eyes filled with joy and fear. He tumbled down from his rock and approached, stretching forth his gnarled neck.
aWho are you? Who?a he asked, his terrible voice trembling.
aDonat you know me?a said Jesus, advancing one more step. His own voice was trembling: he knew that his fate depended on the Baptistas reply.
Itas him, him, the Baptist was thinking. His heart thumped furiously and he could not, dared not, decide. Once more he stretched forward his neck: aWho are you?a he asked again.
aHavenat you read the Scriptures?a Jesus answered in a voice sweet yet complaining, as though he were scolding him. aHavenat you read the prophets? What does Isaiah say? Forerunner, donat you remember?a aIs it you, you?a whispered the ascetic. He put his hands on Jesusa shoulders and examined his eyes.
aI have come ...a Jesus said hesitatingly, then stopped, unable to breathe, unable to continue. It was as if he were putting forth his foot and searching to see whether or not he could take a further step without falling down.
The savage prophet leaned on top of him and examined him silently. He wondered if he had ever heard the wonderful, terrifying words which had escaped Jesusa lips.
aI have come ...a the son of Mary repeated, so softly that not even Judas, who was on the alert behind them with c.o.c.ked ear, could hear. This time the prophet gave a start. He had understood.
aWhat?a he said, and the hairs of his head stood on end.
A crow pa.s.sed over them and uttered a hoa.r.s.e cry like that of a drowning man who was mocking something, or laughing. The Baptist became angry. He bent over to pick up a stone to throw at the bird. The crow had flown away, but he continued to look for it, rejoicing in the pa.s.sage of timea"for in this way his mind gradually grew calm. ... Rising, he said tranquilly, aWelcome.a He looked at him, but there was no love in his eyes.
Jesusa heart shook. Were his ears jangling or was it true that the prophet had bid him welcome? If true, how astonishing, how joyful, how frightening!
The Baptist glanced around him, swept his eyes over the river Jordan, the reeds, and the people who, kneeling in the mud, were openly confessing their sins. He hurriedly embraced his kingdom and bid it farewell. Then he turned to Jesus. aNow I can depart.a aNot yet, Forerunner. First you must baptize me.a Jesusa voice had become sure, decisive.
aI? You are the one who must baptize me, Lord.a aDonat talk so loud. They might hear us. My hour has not yet come. Let us go!a Judas was straining his ears to hear, but he made out only a murmur, a joyous, dancing murmur as though from the union of two streams of running water.
The crowd which had a.s.sembled on the sh.o.r.e made way. Who was this pilgrim who, having thrown off his white robe, was clothed in sunlight? Who was this man who, without confessing his sins, entered the water with such n.o.bility and a.s.surance? The Baptist in the lead, they both thrust their way into the blue stream. The Baptist climbed onto a rock which jutted out above the face of the water. Jesus stood next to him on the sandy river bed, the water embracing his body up to the chin.
The moment the Baptist lifted his hand to pour water over Jesusa face and to p.r.o.nounce the blessing, the people cried out. The flow of the Jordan had abruptly ceased. Schools of multicolored fish floated up from every direction, circled Jesus and began to dance, folding and unfolding their fins and shaking their tails, and a s.h.a.ggy elf in the form of a simple old man entwined with seaweed rose up from the bottom of the river, leaned against the reeds, and with mouth agape and eyes popping from joy and fear, stared at all that was going on in front of him.
The people, viewing such wonders, were stricken dumb. Many fell face down on the sh.o.r.e to hide their eyes. Others shivered in the violent heat. One, seeing the old man emerge from the deep all covered with mud, shouted, aThe Spirit of the Jordan!a and fainted.
The Baptist filled a deep sh.e.l.l and with trembling hand began to pour water over Jesusa face. aThe servant of G.o.d is baptized ...a he began. But he stopped: he did not know what name to give.
He turned to ask Jesus; but just as everyone, stretched on tiptoe, expected to hear the name, wings were heard to descend from the heavens and a white-feathered birda"was it a bird, or one of Jehovahas Seraphim?a"darted forward and balanced itself on the head of the baptized. It remained motionless for several moments, then suddenly circled three times above him. Three wreaths of light glowed in the air and the bird uttered a cry as though proclaiming a hidden name, a name never heard before. The heavens seemed to be answering the Baptistas mute question.
The peopleas ears buzzed, their minds reeled. There were words together with the beating of wings. The voice of G.o.d? The voice of the bird? It was a strange miracle. ... Jesus tensed his whole body, trying to hear. He had a presentiment that here was his true name, but he could not distinguish what it was. All he heard were many waves breaking within him, many wings, and great, bitter words. He raised his eyes. The bird had already bounded toward the summit of the heavens and become light within the light.
The Baptist, whose years in the desert and in cruel solitude had enabled him to master the language of G.o.d, was the only one who understood. Today is baptized, he whispered to himself, trembling, the servant of G.o.d, the son of G.o.d, the Hope of mankind!
He signaled the waters of the Jordan to resume their flow. The sacrament was over.
Chapter Seventeen.
THE SUN CAME out of the desert like a lion and beat at all the doors of Israel. From every Jewish home the savage morning prayer rose up to the stiff-necked G.o.d of the Hebrews: aWe hymn you and glorify you, our G.o.d and G.o.d of our fathers. Almighty and terrible, you are our help and support. Glory to you, Immortal, glory to you, defender of Abraham. Who can vie with you in strength, O king, with you who slay, resurrect and bring deliverance? Glory to you, Deliverer of Israel! Destroy and crush and scatter our enemies, but quickly, while we are still alive!a Sunrise found Jesus and John the Baptist sitting above the Jordan in the hollow of a precipitous rock. All night long the two of them had held the world in their hands, deliberating what to do with it. Sometimes one took it, sometimes the other. The oneas face was severe and decisive: his arms went up and down as though he were actually holding an ax and striking. The otheras face was tame and irresolute, his eyes full of compa.s.sion.
aIsnat love enough?a he asked.
aNo,a answered the Baptist angrily. aThe tree is rotten. G.o.d called to me and gave me the ax, which I then placed at the roots of the tree. I did my duty. Now you do yours: take the ax and strike!a aIf I were fire, I would burn; if I were a woodcutter, I would strike. But I am a heart, and I love.a aI am a heart also, thatas why I cannot endure injustice, shamelessness or infamy. How can you love the unjust, the infamous and the shameless? Strike! One of manas greatest obligations is anger.a aAnger?a said Jesus, his heart objecting. aArenat we all brothers?a aBrothers?a the Baptist replied sarcastically. aDo you think love is the way of G.o.da"love? Look herea"a He stretched forth his bony, hairy hand and pointed to the Dead Sea, which stank like a rotting carca.s.s. aHave you ever bent over to see the two wh.o.r.es, Sodom and Gomorrah, at her bottom? G.o.d became angry, hurled fire, stamped on the earth: dry land turned to sea and swallowed up Sodom and Gomorrah. That is G.o.das waya"follow it. What do the prophecies say? aOn the day of the Lord blood will flow from wood, the stones of the houses will come to life, will rise up and kill the house-owners!a The day of the Lord has set out and is coming. I was the first to discern it. I uttered a cry, took G.o.das ax, placed it at the root of the world. I called, called, called for you to come. You came, and now I shall depart.a He grasped Jesusa hands as though he were placing a heavy ax in them. Jesus drew back, frightened. aBe patient a little longer, I beg of you,a he said. aDonat hurry. I shall go speak to G.o.d in the desert. There his voice can be heard more clearly.a aSo can the voice of Temptation. Take carea"Satan is lying in wait for you, his army all in order. He knows very well that you mean life or death for him. He shall fall upon you with all his wildness and all his sweetness. Take care. The desert is full of sweet voicesa"and death.a aSweet voices and death cannot deceive me, friend. Trust in me.a aI do. Alas, if I didnat! Go, talk with Satan, talk with G.o.d too, and decide. If you are the One I have been awaiting, G.o.d has already made the decision, and you cannot escape. If you are not, what do I care if you perish? Go ahead, and weall see. But quickly; I donat want to leave the world all alone.a aThe wild dove that beat its wings above me while I was being baptized: what did it say?a aIt was not a wild dove. The day will come when you shall hear the words it p.r.o.nounced. But until then, they will hang over you like swords.a Jesus rose and held out his hand. aBeloved Forerunner,a he said, his voice shaking, afarewella"perhaps forever.a The Baptist pressed his lips to Jesusa lips and held them there. His mouth was a live coal, and Jesusa lips were scorched. aIt is to you I finally render my soul,a he said, tightly squeezing Jesusa tender hand. aIf you are the One Iave been waiting for, hear my last instructions, for I think I shall never see you again on this earth, never again.
aIam listening,a Jesus whispered, shuddering. aWhat instructions?a aChange your expression, strengthen your arms, make firm your heart. Your life is a heavy one. I see blood and thorns on your brow. Endure, my brother and superior, courage! Two roads open up in front of you: the road of man, which is level, and the road of G.o.d, which ascends. Take the more difficult road. Farewell! And donat feel afflicted at partings. Your duty is not to weep; it is to strike. Strike! and may you have a steady hand! That is your road. Both ways are the daughters of G.o.d, do not forget that. But Fire was born first and Love afterward. Let us begin therefore with Fire. Forward, and good luck!a The sun had already risen high. Caravans from the Arabian desert appeared, bringing new pilgrims with multicolored turbans on their shaven heads. Some had crescent-shaped talismans made from boarsa teeth, which they wore suspended around their necks; others had tiny bronze G.o.ddessesa"all hips; and others, necklaces made from the teeth of their enemies. They were wild beasts of the east who had come to be baptized. The Baptist saw them, uttered a piercing cry and rushed down from the rock. The camels knelt on the mud of the Jordan, and the voice of the desert was heard to resound mercilessly: aRepent, repent. The day of the Lord has come!a Meanwhile, Jesus found his companions. They were sitting on the river bank, silent and afflicted, waiting for him. It was now three days and three nights that he had not appeared, three days and three nights that the Baptist had abandoned his baptizing to talk to him. He spoke on and on, and Jesus listened with bowed head. What was he saying, bearing down over him like a vulture; and why was the one so wild and the other so sad? Judas paced up and down in a rage, puffing. As soon as night fell, he secretly approached the rock to hear. The two of them were talking, cheek to cheek. Judas c.o.c.ked his ear but could distinguish only a murmur, a rapid murmur, as from running water. One was giving, the other receiving, being filled, as though the son of Mary were a jug propped up under a tap. The redbeard slid down from the rock in a frenzy, and once more began to pace in the darkness. aShame on me, shame on me,a he grumbled, ato let them deliberate about Israel while I am absent! The Baptist should have entrusted his secret to me, should have given me the ax. I am the only one who feels Israelas pains. I am able to use the ax; he, the clairvoyant, is not. He shamelessly proclaims that we are all brothers, injured and injurers, Israelites and Romans and Greeks, devil take them!a He lay down at the foot of the rock, far from the other companions, whom he did not wish to see. For a moment he fell asleep and seemed to hear the Baptistas voice and scattered, disparate words: aFire,a aSodom and Gomorrah,a aStrike!a He jumped up. Once awake, however, he heard nothing but the night birds and the jackals and the murmur of the Jordan in the reeds. He went down to the river and plunged his flaming head into the water to extinguish the fire. aHeall come down from the rock, wonat he?a he murmured. aHe will, and then I shall learn his secret, whether he likes it or not!a When he saw Jesus approach, therefore, he jumped up, as did the other companions. They ran out joyfully to receive him, touched his shoulders, his back, caressed him; and Johnas eyes filled with tearsa"a deep wrinkle was now engraved in the middle of the masteras forehead.
Peter could not contain himself. aRabbi,a he said, awhy did the Baptist talk to you for days and nights? What did he tell you to make you so sorrowful? Your face has changed.a aHis days are few,a answered Jesus. aStay with him, all of you, and be baptized. I am leaving.a aWhere are you going, Rabbi?a cried out Zebedeeas younger son, taking hold of Jesusa tunic. aWeall all come with you.a aI am going by myself to the desert, where no company is needed. Iam going there to speak with G.o.d.a aWith G.o.d?a said Peter, covering his face. aBut then youall never return!a aI shall return,a said Jesus with a sigh. aI must return. The world is suspended by a single thread. G.o.d will give me instructions, and I shall return.a aWhen? How many days will you be absent again? Look how youare leaving us!a they all shouted, holding on to him so that he would not go.
But Judas stood apart, silent, and looked at them with scorn. aSheep ... sheep ...a he grumbled. aI thank the G.o.d of Israel that I am a wolf.a aI shall return when G.o.d wishes, brothers. Farewell. Stay here and wait for me. Until then, goodbye!a The brothers stood petrified and watched him move slowly toward the desert. He did not walk now as before, when he hardly touched the ground, but heavily, thoughtfully. He picked a reed to lean upon, mounted the arched bridge, stopped at its middle, and looked down. On all sides he saw pilgrims immersed in the muddy current of the river, their sun-blackened faces shining happily. Opposite them, on the sh.o.r.e, others still beat their b.r.e.a.s.t.s and confessed their sins to the air, watching with inflamed eyes for the Baptist to signal their turn to plunge into the holy water. Sunk hip-deep in the Jordan, the wild ascetic baptized the people in whole flocks, then, angrily, without love, pushed them toward the sh.o.r.e whence new flocks followed behind them. His pointed, jet-black beard shone in the sun, as did his fuzzy hair, which had never been cut; and continued shouts came from his wide, ma.s.sive, eternally opened mouth.
Jesus swept his eyes over the river, the people, and in the distance the Dead Sea, the mountains of Arabia, the desert. He leaned over and saw his shadow undulating with the current toward the Dead Sea.
How nice it would be, he thought, to sit at the edge of the river and watch the water flow toward the sea with the trees, birds, clouds and at night the stars all reflected in it and flowing too; how nice if I could roll along also and not be devoured by this care for the world.
But he shook himself, banished the temptation, pulled himself away from the bridge and, descending with quick steps, disappeared behind the bleak rocks. The redbeard stood on the sh.o.r.e keeping constant watch over him. He saw him disappear and, fearing that he might escape, rolled up his sleeves and followed behind, overtaking him just as he was about to enter the endless sea of sand.
aSon of David, stop!a he called to him. aWhy are you leaving me like this?a Jesus turned. aJudas, my brother,a he said supplicatingly, ado not come farther. I must be alone.a aI want to learn your secret!a said Judas, advancing.
aDonat be in a hurry. You will learn it when the time comes. But Iall tell you this much, Judas, my brother: be happy, everything is going well!a a aEverything is going wella is not enough for me. A wolfas hunger is not appeased with words. Maybe you donat know that, but I do.a aIf you love me, be patient. Look at the trees. Are they in a hurry to ripen their fruit?a aIam not a tree, Iam a man,a the redbeard objected, coming closer. aIam a man, and that means a thing which is in a hurry. I go by my own laws.a aThe law of G.o.d is the same, whether for trees or men, Judas.a The redbeard ground his teeth. aAnd what is that law called?a he asked sarcastically.
aTime.a Judas stood still and clenched his fist. He did not accept this law. Its pace was excessively slow, whereas he had not a moment to lose. The depths of his being held to another law, his own, opposite to that of Time.
aG.o.d lives for many years,a he shouted. aHe is immortal; he can be patient therefore and wait. But Iam human, a thing, I tell you, thatas in a hurry. I donat want to die before I see what I have now only in my minda"not only see it, but touch it with my hands!a aYou shall see it,a answered Jesus, waving his hand to calm him. aYou shall see and touch it, Judas, my brothera"have faith. Goodbye! G.o.d is waiting for me in the desert.a aIall come along.a aThe desert is not big enough for two. Go back.a The redbeard growled and bared his teeth like a sheep dog that hears his masteras voice. Head bowed, he turned around and marched heavily over the bridge, talking to himself. He remembered when he roamed the mountains with Barabbasa"G.o.d bless him!a"and the other rebels. What an atmosphere of ferocity and freedom! What a splendid leader of cutthroats was the G.o.d of Israel! That was the kind of leader he needed. Why did he follow this clairvoyant who was scared of blood and shouted aLove! Love!a like a panting young girl? But letas be patient, Judas reflected, and see what he brings back from the desert!
Jesus had now entered the desert. The more he advanced, the more he felt he had gone into a lionas cave. He shuddered, not from fear, but from a dark, inexplicable joy. He was happy. Why? He could not explain it. Suddenly, he remembered, remembered a dream he had one night when he was still a child hardly able to talk. It seemed thousands of years ago: the earliest dream he was able to recall. He had worked his way into a deep cave and found a lioness who had given birth and was suckling her cubs. When he saw her, he grew hungry and thirsty, lay down and began to suckle with the lion cubs. Afterward it seemed that they all went out to a meadow and began to play in the sun, but while they were frisking, Mary, his mother, appeared in his dream, saw him with the lions and screamed. He awoke and turned angrily to his mother, who was sleeping at his side. Why did you wake me up? he shouted at her. I was with my brothers and my mother!
Now I understand why I am happy, he reflected. I am entering my motheras cave, the cave of the lioness, of solitude. ...
He heard the disquieting hiss of snakes, and of the burning wind which blew between the rocks, and of the invisible spirits of the desert.
Jesus bent over and spoke to his soul. aMy soul, here you will show whether or not you are immortal.a Hearing steps behind him, he c.o.c.ked his ear. There was the crunching of sand. Someone was walking toward him, calmly, surely. I forgot her, he thought, shuddering, but she did not forget me. She is coming with me; my mother is coming with me. ... He knew very well that it was the Curse, but he had been calling her Mother to himself now for such a long time.
He marched on, forcing his thoughts elsewhere. He recalled the wild dove. A savage bird seemed to be imprisoned within him-or was it his soul rushing to escape? Perhaps it had escaped; perhaps the wild dove which chirped and flew circles over him the whole time he was being baptized was his soul, not a bird or a Seraph, but his own soul.
This was the answer. He started out again, calm. He heard the footsteps behind him crunching the sand, but his heart was steady now; he could at last endure everything with dignity. Manas soul, he reflected, is all-powerful; it can take on whatever appearance it likes. At that instant it became a bird and flew over me. ... But as he marched tranquilly along, suddenly he cried out and stopped. The thought had come to him that perhaps the dove was an illusion, a buzzing in his ear, a whirling of the aira"because he remembered how his body had gleamed, light and omnipotent, like a soul, how whatever he wanted to hear he had heard, whatever he wanted to see he had seen. ... He had built castles in the air. aO G.o.d, O G.o.d,a he murmured, anow that we shall be alone, tell me the truth, do not deceive me. I am weary of hearing voices in the air.
He advanced and the sun advanced with him. It had finally reached the top of the sky, directly above his head. His feet were burning in the fiery sand. He spied around him to find some shade, and as he did so, he heard wings flapping above him and saw a flock of crows rush into a pit where there was a stinking black object in the process of decay.
Holding his nose, he approached. The crows had fallen upon the carca.s.s, planted their claws in it, and begun to eat. When they saw a man approach they flew away angrily, each with a mouthful of flesh in its talons. They circled in the air, calling to the intruder to go away. Jesus leaned over, saw the opened belly, the black, half-stripped hide, the short knotted horns, the strings of amulets around the putrid neck.
aThe goat!a he murmured with a shudder. aThe sacred goat that bore the peopleas sins. He was chased from village to village, mountain to mountain, and finally to the desert, where he perished.a He bent over, dug in the sand as deeply as he could with his hands, and covered the carca.s.s.
aMy brother,a he said, ayou were innocent and pure, like every animal. But men, the cowards, made you bear their sins, and killed you. Rot in peace; feel no malice against them. Men, poor weak creatures, have not the courage to pay for their sins themselves: they place them upon one who is sinless. My brother, requite their sins. Farewell!a He resumed his march but stopped after a few moments, troubled. Waving his hand, he called, aUntil we meet again!a The crows began to pursue him maniacally. He had deprived them of the tasty carca.s.s and now they were following him, waiting for him to perish in his turn and for his belly to split open so that they could eat. What right did he have to do them this injustice? Had not G.o.d designed crows to eat carca.s.ses? He must pay!
Night was coming at last. Tired, he squatted on a rock which was as large and round as a millstone. aI shall go no farther,a he murmured. aHere on this rock I shall set up my bulwark and do battle.a The darkness flowed abruptly down from the sky, rose up from the soil, covered the earth. And with the darkness came the frost. His teeth chattering, he wrapped himself in his white robe, curled up into a ball and closed his eyes. But as he closed them, he grew frightened. He recalled the crows, heard the famished jackals begin to howl on every side, felt the desert prowling around him like a wild beast. Afraid, he reopened his eyes. The sky had filled with stars, and he felt comforted. The Seraphim have come out to keep me company, he said to himself. They are the six-winged lights which sing psalms around G.o.das throne, but they are far away, so very far away that we cannot hear them. ... His mind illuminated by starlight, he forgot his hunger and cold. He too was a living thing, an ephemeral beacon in the darkness; he too sang hymns to G.o.d. His soul was a small pharos, the humble, poorly dressed sister of the angels. ... Thinking of his high extraction, he took heart, saw his soul standing together with the angels around G.o.das throne; and then, peacefully and without fear, he closed his eyes and slept.
When he awoke he lifted his face toward the east and saw the sun, a terrible blast furnace, rising above the sand. That is G.o.das face, he reflected, putting his palm over his eyes so that he would not be dazzled. aLord,a he whispered, aI am a grain of sand; can you see me in this desert? I am a grain of sand which talks and breathes and loves youa"loves you and calls you Father. I possess no weapon but love. With that I have come to do battle. Help me!a He rose. With his reed he inscribed a circle around the rock where he had slept.
aI shall not leave this threshing floor,a he said loudly, so that the invisible forces which were lying in wait for him could hear, aI shall not leave this threshing floor unless I hear G.o.das voice. But I must hear it clearly; I wonat be satisfied with the usual unsteady hum or twittering or thunder. I want him to speak to me clearly, with human words, and to tell me what he desires from me and what I can, what I must, do. Only then will I get up and leave this threshing floor to return to men, if that is his command, or to die, if that is his will. Iall do whatever he wishes, but I must know what it is. In G.o.das name!a He knelt on the rock with his face toward the sun, toward the great desert. He closed his eyes, rema.s.sed those of his thoughts which had lingered at Nazareth, Magdala, Capernaum, Jacobas well and the river Jordan, and began to put them in battle array. He was preparing for war.
With his neck tensed and his eyelids closed, he sank within himself. He heard the roar of water, the rustling of reeds, the lamentations of men. From the river Jordan came wave after wave of cries, terror and faraway visionary hopes. First to stand up in his mind were the three long nights he had spent on the rock with the wild ascetic. In full armor, they rushed to the desert to enter the war at his side.
The first night jumped down on top of him like a monstrous locust with cruel wheat-yellow eyes and wings, breath like the Dead Sea and strange green letters on its abdomen. It clung to him; its wings began furiously to rend the air. Jesus cried out and turned. The Baptist was standing next to him with his bony arm pointing in the heavy darkness toward Jerusalem.
aLook. What do you see?a aNothing.a aNothing? In front of you is holy Jerusalem, the wh.o.r.e. Donat you see her? She sits and giggles on the Romanas fat knees. The Lord cries, aI do not want her. Is this my wife? I do not want her!a I too, like a dog at the Lordas feet, bark, aI do not want her!a I walk around her towers and walls and bark at her, aWh.o.r.e! Wh.o.r.e!a She has four great fortress gates. At the first sits Hunger, at the next Fear, at the third Injustice, and at the fourth, the northern one, Infamy. I enter, go up and down her streets; I approach her inhabitants and examine them. Regard their faces: three are heavy, fat, over-satiated; three thousand emaciated from hunger. When does a world disappear? When three masters overeat and a people of three thousand starves to death. Look at their faces once more. Fear sits on all of them; their nostrils quiver; they scent the day of the Lord. Regard the women. Even the most honest glances secretly at her slave, licks her chops and nods to him: Come!
aI have unroofed their palaces. Look. The king holds his brotheras wife on his knee and caresses her nakedness. What do the Holy Scriptures say? aHe who looks at the nakedness of his brotheras wifea"death!a It is not he, the incestuous king, who will be killed, but I, the ascetic. Whya"because the day of the Lord has come!a The whole of that first night Jesus sat at the Baptistas feet and watched Hunger, Fear, Injustice and Infamy go in and out of Jerusalemas four opened gates. Over the holy prost.i.tute the clouds were gathering, full of anger and hail.
The second night the Baptist once more stretched forth his reed-like hand and with a thrust pushed through time and s.p.a.ce. aListen. What do you hear?a aNothing.a aNothing! Donat you hear Iniquity, the b.i.t.c.h who has climbed shamelessly up to heaven and is barking at the Lordas door? Havenat you been through Jerusalem, havenat you seen the yelping priests, high priests, Scribes and Pharisees who surround the Temple? But G.o.d endures the earthas impudence no longer. He has risen; he is tramping down the mountainsides and coming. In front of him is Anger; behind him are heavenas three b.i.t.c.hes, Fire, Leprosy and Madness. Where is the Temple with the proud, gold-inlaid columns which supported it and proclaimed: Eternal! Eternal! Eternal! Ashes the Temple, ashes the priests, high priests, Scribes and Pharisees, ashes their holy amulets, their silken ca.s.socks and golden rings! Ashes! Ashes! Ashes!
aWhere is Jerusalem? I hold a lighted lantern, I search in the mountains, in the Lordas darkness; I shout, aJerusalem! Jerusalem!a Deserted, completely forsaken: not even a crow answersa"the crows have eaten, and left. I wade knee-deep in the skulls and bones; tears come to my eyes, but I push the bones away and banish them. I laugh, bend down and choose the longest one, make a flute and hymn the glory of the Lord.a The whole of the second night the Baptist laughed, stood in G.o.das darkness and admired Fire, Leprosy and Madness. Jesus grasped the prophetas knees. aCannot salvation come to the world by means of love?a he asked. aBy means of love, joy, mercy?a The Baptist, without even turning to look at him, replied, aHavenat you ever read the Scriptures? The Saviour crushes our loins, breaks our teeth, hurls fire and scorches the fields-all in order to sow. And he uproots the thorns, stinkweeds and nettles. How can you wipe out falsehood, infamy and injustice from the world if you do not eradicate the liars, the unjust, the wicked? The earth must be cleanseda"donat pity ita"it must be cleansed, made ready for the planting of new seed.a The second night pa.s.sed. Jesus did not speak. He was awaiting the third night: perhaps the prophetas voice would sweeten.
The third night the Baptist twisted and turned upon the rock, uneasy. Without laughing, without talking, he examined Jesus with anguish, searched his arms, hands, shoulders and knees, then shook his head and remained quiet, sniffing the air. Illuminated by the starlight, his eyes stood out, glistening sometimes green, sometimes yellow; and sweat mingled with blood ran from his sun-baked forehead. Finally at daybreak, when the white dawn fell upon them, he took Jesusa hand, looked into his eyes, and frowned. aWhen I first saw you emerge from the reeds by the Jordan and come directly toward me,a he said, amy heart bounded like a young calf. Can you think how Samuelas heart leaped up when he first saw the red-haired beardless shepherd, David? That is how my heart leaped. But the heart is flesh and loves the flesh, and I have no faith in it. Last night I examined you, smelled you as though seeing you for the first time, but I could not find peace. I looked at your hands. They were not the hands of a wood-chopper, of a saviour. Too soft, too merciful. How could they swing the ax? I looked at your eyes. They were not a saviouras eyesa"too full of sympathy. I got up and sighed. Lord, I murmured, your ways are dark and oblique; you are capable of sending a white dove to burn up the world and turn it into ashes. We watch the heavens, expecting a thunderbolt, an eagle or a crowa"and you give us a white dove. What use is there of questioning, of resisting? Do what you like.a He spread out his arms and hugged Jesus, kissed him on his right shoulder, then on his left. aIf you are the One Iave been waiting for,a he said, ayou have not come in the form I imagined you would. Was it all for nothing then that I carried the ax and placed it at the root of the tree? Or can love also wield an ax?a He reflected for a moment. aI cannot judge,a he murmured finally. aI shall die without seeing the result. It does not matter, thatas my lot: a hard onea"and I like it!a He squeezed Jesusa hand. aGo, and good luck. Go talk with G.o.d in the desert. But come back quickly, so that the world will not remain all alone.a Jesus opened his eyes. The river Jordan, the Baptist and the baptized, the camels and the lamentations of the peoplea"all flared up in the air and were snuffed out. The desert now stretched before him. The sun had risen high and was burning: the stones steamed like loaves of bread. He felt his insides being mowed down by hunger. aIam hungry,a he murmured, looking at the stones, aIam hungry!a He remembered the bread which the old Samaritan woman had presented them. How delicious it had been, sweet like honey! He remembered the honey, split olives and dates he was treated to whenever he pa.s.sed through a village; and the holy supper they had when, kneeling on the sh.o.r.e of Lake Gennesaret, they removed the grill, with its row of sweet-smelling fish, from the andirons. And afterward, the figs, grapes and pomegranates came to his mind, agitating him still further.
His throat was dry and parched from thirst. How many rivers flowed in the world! All these waters which bounded from rock to rock, rolled from one end of the land of Israel to the other, ran into the Dead Sea and disappeareda"and he had not even a drop to drink! He thought of these waters and his thirst increased. He felt dizzy; his eyes fluttered. Two cunning devils in the shape of young rabbits emerged from the burning sand, stood up on their hind legs and danced. They turned, saw the eremite, screamed happily and began to hop toward him. They climbed onto his knees and jumped to his shoulders. One was cool, like water, the other warm and fragrant, like bread; but as he longingly put out his hands to grasp them, with a single bound they vanished into the air.
He closed his eyes and recollected the thoughts which hunger and thirst had dispersed. G.o.d came to his mind: he was neither hungry nor thirsty any more. He reflected on the salvation of the world. Ah, if the day of the Lord could only come with love! Was not G.o.d omnipotent? Why couldnat he perform a miracle and by touching menas hearts make them blossom? Look how each year at the Pa.s.sover bare stems, meadows and thorns opened up at his touch. If only one day men could awake to find their deepest selves in bloom!
He smiled. In his thoughts the world had flowered. The incestuous king was baptized, his soul cleansed. He had sent away his sister-in-law Herodias and she had returned to her husband. The high priests and n.o.blemen had opened their larders and coffers, distributed their goods to the poor; and the poor in their turn breathed freely once more and banished hate, jealousy and fear from their hearts. ... Jesus looked at his hands. The ax which the Forerunner had surrendered to him had blossomed: a flowering almond branch was now in his palm.
The day concluded with this feeling of relief. He lay down on the rock and fell asleep. All night long in his sleep he heard water running, small rabbits dancing, a strange rustling, and two damp nostrils examining him. It seemed to him that toward midnight a hungry jackal came up and smelled him. Was this a carca.s.s, or wasnat it? The beast stood for a moment unable to make up its mind. And Jesus, in his sleep, pitied it. He wanted to open his breast and give it food, but restrained himself. He was keeping his flesh for men.
He woke up before dawn. A network of large stars covered the sky; the air was fluffy and blue. At this hour, he reflected, the c.o.c.ks awake, the villages are roused, men open their eyes and look through the skylight at the radiance which has come once more. The infants awake in their turn, the bawling begins and the mothers approach, holding forth their full b.r.e.a.s.t.s. ... For an instant the world undulated over the desert with its men and houses and c.o.c.ks and infants and mothersa"all made from the morning frost and breeze. But the sun would now rise to swallow them up! The eremiteas heart skipped a beat. If only I could make this frost everlasting! he thought. But G.o.das mind is an abyss, his love a terrifying precipice. He plants a world, destroys it just as it is about to give fruit, and then plants another. He recalled the Baptistas words: aWho knows, perhaps love carries an ax ...a and shuddered. He looked at the desert. Ferociously red, it swayed under the sun, which had risen angrily, zoned by a storm. The wind blew; the smell of pitch and sulphur came to his nostrils. He thought of Sodom and Gomorraha"palaces, theaters, taverns, prost.i.tutesa"plunged in the tar. Abraham had shouted, aHave mercy, Lord; do not burn them. Are you not good? Take pity, therefore, on your creatures.a And G.o.d had answered him, aI am just, I shall burn them all!a Was this, then, G.o.das way? If so, it was a great impudence for the hearta"that clod of soft muda"to stand up and shout, Stop! ... What is our duty? he asked himself. It is to look down, to find G.o.das tracks in the soil and follow them. I look down; I clearly see G.o.das imprint on Sodom and Gomorrah. The entire Dead Sea is G.o.das imprint. He trod, and palaces, theaters, taverns, brothelsa"the whole of Sodom and Gomorraha"were engulfed! He will tread once more, and once more the eartha"kings, high priests, Pharisees, Sadduceesa"all will sink to the bottom.
Without realizing it, he had begun to shout. His mind was wild with fury. Forgetting that his knees were unable to support him, he tried to rise, to set out on G.o.das trail, but he collapsed supine onto the ground, out of breath. aI am unable; donat you see me?a he cried, lifting his eyes toward the burning heavens. aI am unable; why do you choose me? I cannot endure!a And as he cried out, he saw a black ma.s.s on the sand before him: the goat, disemboweled, its legs in the air. He remembered how he had leaned over and seen his own face in the leaden eyes. aI am the goat,a he murmured. aG.o.d placed him along my path to show me who I am and where I am heading. ...a Suddenly he began to weep. aI donat want ... I donat want ...a he murmured, aI donat want to be alone. Help me!a And then, while he was bowed over and weeping, a pleasant breeze blew, the stench of the tar and the carca.s.s disappeared and a sweet perfume pervaded the world. The eremite heard water, bracelets and laughter jingling in the distance and approaching. His eyelids, armpits and throat felt refreshed. He lifted his eyes. On a stone in front of him a snake with the eyes and b.r.e.a.s.t.s of a woman was licking its lips and regarding him. The eremite stepped back, terrified. Was this a snake, a woman, or a cunning demon of the desert? Such a serpent had wrapped itself around the forbidden tree of Paradise and seduced the first man and woman to unite and give birth to sin. ... He heard laughter and the sweet, wheedling voice of a woman: aI felt sorry for you, son of Mary. You cried, aI donat want to be alone. Help me!a I pitied you and came. What can I do for you?a aI donat want you. I didnat call you. Who are you?a aYour soul.a aMy soul!a Jesus exclaimed, and he closed his eyes, horrified.
aYes, your soul. You are afraid of being alone. Your great-grandfather Adam had the same fear. He too shouted for help. His flesh and soul united, and woman emerged from his rib to keep him company.a aI donat want you, donat want you! I remember the apple you fed to Adam. I remember the angel with the scimitar!a aYou remember, and thatas why youare in pain and you cry out and cannot find your way. I shall show it to you. Give me your hand. Donat look back; donat recall anything. See how my b.r.e.a.s.t.s take the lead. Follow them, my spouse. They know the way perfectly.a aYou are going to lead me also to sweet sin and the Inferno. Iam not coming. Mine is another road.a The serpent giggled derisively and showed her sharp, poisonous teeth. aDo you wish to follow G.o.das tracks, the tracks of the eaglea"you worm! You, son of the Carpenter, wish to bear the sins of an entire race! Arenat your own sins enough for you? What impudence to think that itas your duty to save the world!a Sheas right ... sheas right ... the eremite thought, trembling. What impudence to wish to save the world!
aI have a secret to tell you, dear son of Mary,a said the snake in a sweet voice, her eyes sparkling. She slid down from the rock like water and began, richly decorated, to roll toward him. She arrived at his feet, climbed onto his knees, curled herself up and with a spring reached his thighs, loins, breast and finally leaned against his shoulder. The eremite, despite himself, inclined his head to hear her. The snake licked Jesusa ear with her tongue. Her voice was seductive and far away: it seemed to be coming from Galilee, from the edge of Lake Gennesaret.
aItas Magdalene ... itas Magdalene ... itas Magdalene ...a aWhat?a said Jesus, shuddering. aWhat about Magdalene?a a... itas Magdalene you must save!a the snake hissed imperatively. aNot the Eartha"forget about the Earth. Itas her, Magdalene, you must save!a Jesus tried to shake the serpent away from his head, but she thrust herself forward and vibrated her tongue in his ear. aHer body is beautiful, cool and accomplished. All nations have pa.s.sed over her, but it has been written in G.o.das hand since your childhood that she is for you. Take her! G.o.d created man and woman to match, like the key and the lock. Open her. Your children sit huddled together and numb inside her, waiting for you to blow away their numbness so that they may rise and come out to walk in the sun. ... Do you hear what Iam telling you? Lift your eyes, give me some sign. Just nod your head, my darling, and this very hour I shall bring you, on a fresh beda"your wife.a aMy wife?a aYour wife. Look how G.o.d married the wh.o.r.e Jerusalem. The nations pa.s.sed over her, but he married her to save her. Look how the prophet Hosea married the wh.o.r.e Gomer, daughter of Debelaim. In the same way, G.o.d commands you to sleep with Mary Magdalene, your wife, to have children, and save her.a The serpent had now pressed its hard, cool, round breast against Jesusa own and was sliding slowly, tortuously, wrapping itself around him. Jesus grew pale, closed his eyes, saw Magdaleneas firm, high-rumped body wriggling along the sh.o.r.es of Lake Gennesaret, saw her gaze toward the river Jordan and sigh. She extended her handa"she was seeking him; and her bosom was filled with children: his own. He had only to twitch the corner of his eye, to give a sign, and all at once: what happiness! How his life would change, sweeten, become more human! This was the way, this! He would return to Nazareth, to his motheras house, would become reconciled with his brothers. It was nothing but youthful follya"madnessa"to want to save the world and die for mankind. But thanks to Magdalene, G.o.d bless her, he would be cured; he would return to his workshop, take up once more his old beloved craft, once more make plows, cradles and troughs; he would have children and become a human being, the master of a household. The peasants would respect him and stand up when he pa.s.sed. He would work the whole week long and on Sat.u.r.day go to the synagogue in the clean garments woven for him of linen and silk by his wife Magdalene, with his expensive kerchief over his head, his golden wedding ring on his finger; and he would have his stall with the elders, would sit and listen peacefully and indifferently while the seething, half-insane Scribes and Pharisees sweated and shivered to interpret the Holy Scriptures. He would sn.i.g.g.e.r and look at them with sympathy. Where would they ever end up, these theologians! He was interpreting Holy Scripture quietly and surely by taking a wife, having children, by constructing plows, cradles, and troughs. ...
He opened his eyes and saw the desert. Where had the day gone! The sun was once more inclining toward the horizon. The serpent, her breast glued to his own, was waiting. She hissed tranquilly, seductively, and a tender, plaintive lullaby flowed into the evening air. The entire desert rocked and lullabied like a mother.
aIam waiting ... Iam waiting ...a the snake hissed salaciously. aNight has overtaken us. Iam cold. Decide. Nod to me, and the doors of Paradise will be opened to you. Decide, my darling. Magdalene is waiting. ...a The eremite felt paralyzed with fear. As he was about to open his mouth to say Yes, he felt someone above looking down on him. Terrified, he lifted his head and saw two eyes in the air, two eyes only, as black as night, and two white eyebrows which were moving and signaling to him: No! No! No! Jesusa heart contracted. He looked up again beseechingly, as if he wished to scream: Leave me alone, give me permission, do not be angry! But the eyes had grown ferocious and the eyebrows vibrated threateningly.
aNo! No! No!a Jesus then shouted, and two large tears rolled from his eyes.
All at once the serpent writhed, unglued herself from him and with a m.u.f.fled roar exploded. The air was glutted with the stench.
Jesus fell on his face. His mouth, nostrils and eyes filled with sand. His mind was blank. Forgetting his hunger and thirst, he wepta"wept as though his wife and all his children had died, as though his whole life had been ruined.
aLord, Lord,a he murmured, biting the sand, aFather, have you no mercy? Your will be done: how many times have I said this to you until now, how many times shall I say it in the future? All my life I shall quiver, resist and say it: Your will be done!a In this way, murmuring and swallowing the sand, he fell asleep; and as the eyes of his body closed, those of his soul opened and he saw the specter of a serpent as thick as the body of a man and extending in length from one end of the night to the other. She was stretched out on the sand with her wide, bright-red mouth opened at his side. Opposite this mouth hopped an ornate, trembling partridge struggling in vain to open its wings and escape. It staggered forward uttering small, weak cries, its feathers raised out of fear. The motionless serpent kept her eyes glued on it, her mouth opened. She was in no hurry, for she was sure of her prey. The partridge advanced little by little directly toward the opened mouth, stumbling on its crooked legs. Jesus stood still and watched, trembling like the partridge. At daybreak the bird had at last reached the gaping mouth. It quivered for a moment, glanced quickly around as though seeking aid; then suddenly stretched forth its neck and entered head first, feet together. The mouth closed. Jesus was able to see the partridge, a ball of feathers and meat and ruby-colored feet, descend little by little toward the dragonas belly.
He jumped up, terrified. The desert was a ma.s.s of swelling rose-colored waves.
The sun was rising. aIt is G.o.d,a he murmured, trembling. aAnd the partridge is ...
His voice broke. He did not have the strength to complete his reflection. But inside himself he thought: ... manas soul. The partridge is manas soul!
He remained plunged in this reflection for hours. The sun came up, set the sand on fire; it pierced Jesusa scalp, went inside him and parched his mind, throat and breast. His entrails were suspended like bunches of left-over grapes after the autumn vintage. His tongue had stuck to his palate, his skin was peeling off, his bones emerging; and his fingertips had turned completely blue.
Time, within him, had become as small as a heartbeat, as large as death. He was no longer hungry or thirsty; he no longer desired children and a wife. His whole soul had squeezed into his eyes. He sawa"that was all: he saw. But at precisely noon his sight grew dim; the world vanished and a gigantic mouth gaped somewhere in front of him, its lower jaw the earth, its upper jaw the skies. Trembling, he dragged himself slowly forward toward the opened mouth, his neck stretched forward. ...