-G.o.d is everywhere in this country, she said. she said. And yet, I hate Him pa.s.sionately. And yet, I hate Him pa.s.sionately.
The comment was so startling, Thomas immediately forgot his hurt. The anger with which she"d spoken shocked him. He waited for her to explain.
-You can"t even look at the rain, at its excess, and not think of G.o.d, she said. she said. He"s everywhere you turn. And viciously cruel. He"s everywhere you turn. And viciously cruel.
Even Thomas, whose own belief amounted to nothing, worried for her blasphemy.
-So much poverty, she said. she said. So much death and disease and heartache. You can blame colonialism, which is what everyone does. Or tribalism, as good a cause as any. But in the end, it"s G.o.d who allows it. So much death and disease and heartache. You can blame colonialism, which is what everyone does. Or tribalism, as good a cause as any. But in the end, it"s G.o.d who allows it.
Thomas was impressed with the strength of her belief. To hate so pa.s.sionately is to value immensely, To hate so pa.s.sionately is to value immensely, he said. he said.
Her cheeks were pinkened with her sudden pa.s.sion, a frown between her brows. She wasn"t actually beautiful, though he and others had called her so. It was more that she was pretty. pretty. Which meant, he supposed, Which meant, he supposed, accessible accessible in some undefined way. in some undefined way.
-You see a lot of poverty? he asked. he asked.
She turned to him. They have no shoes, Thomas. They have no shoes, Thomas.
-The Kenyan elite. They, too, allow it, he said. he said.
-You mean the Wabenzis? she asked with evident distaste, using the common nickname for Kenyans who owned Mercedes-Benzes. she asked with evident distaste, using the common nickname for Kenyans who owned Mercedes-Benzes. You mean the Africans who come in on foot and leave by jet? You mean the Africans who come in on foot and leave by jet?
She fingered her hair. It was drying, even in the humidity. She rose and went into a room he imagined to be the bedroom. She returned with a brush. She sat in an armchair and began to untangle her hair.
-It"s not our struggle, he said. he said.
-We borrow it while we"re here.
-I didn"t want to come to Africa, he said. he said. It was my wife"s idea. I"d just, believe it or not, learned the value of routine. It was my wife"s idea. I"d just, believe it or not, learned the value of routine. He paused, embarra.s.sed. He paused, embarra.s.sed. I write, I write, he said. he said.
She smiled. Not surprised. What do you write? What do you write?
He turned away. Poetry, Poetry, he said, trying to make it a throw-away line. As if his entire life did not depend on it. he said, trying to make it a throw-away line. As if his entire life did not depend on it. I don"t feel I belong here, I don"t feel I belong here, he said. he said.
-It can be a weird, dissonant life, she said. she said.
-We live in Karen, in relative luxury, when all around us.... Well, you know as well as I do what"s all around us.
She nodded.
-It"s not what I imagined, he said. he said. All these paradoxes. All these paradoxes.
The neckline of her blouse revealed her collarbone. He was reminded of the sweater she had worn on the last day he had seen her. A pale blue sweater with an open collar. Her wool skirt had lain in soft folds around her shins in the car.
-What did you do after Middlebury? he asked. he asked.
-I went to graduate school in Boston. In between, I taught high school in Newburyport.
-You were in Boston and Newburyport? All that time? Thomas, incredulous, calculated the distance between Newburyport and Cambridge. An hour at best. Two from Hull. Thomas, incredulous, calculated the distance between Newburyport and Cambridge. An hour at best. Two from Hull.
He tried to sound casual. You lived alone? You had a roommate? You lived alone? You had a roommate?
-I had a boyfriend for a time.
He willed himself not to ask about the boyfriend. I used to try to talk to your aunt when I"d see her around. For about six months, I was in Hull after I graduated. She wouldn"t speak to me. Wouldn"t even acknowledge I was standing there. I used to try to talk to your aunt when I"d see her around. For about six months, I was in Hull after I graduated. She wouldn"t speak to me. Wouldn"t even acknowledge I was standing there.
-She"s very good at that.
-I went to grad school trying to evade the draft. Then my number came up and it was a good one, so I dropped out. If you add it all together, there are probably a couple of years I can"t account for very well. I spent a lot of it drifting. I went to Canada for a while. Then to San Francisco. I was pretty heavily into drugs.
-Which?
-Dope. LSD. I still smoke dope from time to time.
She set her hairbrush on an end table. I"ve always been grateful to you, I"ve always been grateful to you, she said. she said. I"m glad you"ve come, because I"ve always wanted to tell you that. I don"t know what would have happened to me ... I"m glad you"ve come, because I"ve always wanted to tell you that. I don"t know what would have happened to me ...
He let her thought trail off. He did not deny the grat.i.tude. He"d always had a keen sense of how easy it might be to lose oneself.
-Would you like some food? she asked. she asked. Something to eat? Something to eat?
-Something, he said. he said. Not a meal. Not a meal.
She went into the kitchen. He spoke to her back as she moved from counter to fridge to counter. You have electricity? You have electricity? he asked. he asked.
-Sometimes.
The cottage was so dark inside they might have turned a light on.
-Have you ever eaten giraffe? he asked. he asked.
-No, but I"ve had antelope. And crocodile.
-Crocodile isn"t so bad. It tastes like chicken.
She put bread and cheese on a plate. Something that looked like jelly. He had a sudden craving for sugar.
-I sometimes feel like the wrong person in the right place, he said. His unease was so great, he was grasping at ways to explain. he said. His unease was so great, he was grasping at ways to explain. Or vice versa. Or vice versa.
-You"ve always been that way.
The kanga a second skin knotted at her hip. The cloth moved easily about her calves as she worked.
-Living here is like watching an endless doc.u.mentary, he said. he said.
She laughed.
-Tell me about Peter, he said. he said.
She thought a minute. No. No.
Thomas was daunted by her refusal, though he admired the loyalty. A loyalty he hadn"t quite been able to manage himself.
-It"s exhilarating, he said. he said. Talking to you. It must be a form of blood-letting, this desire to pour the soul into another person. Talking to you. It must be a form of blood-letting, this desire to pour the soul into another person.
-You don"t believe in the soul.
She brought food to the table, gestured for him to sit. He put a generous amount of cheese and jelly on a piece of bread.
-We have no good word for it, do we?
-Spirit? she suggested. she suggested.
He shook his head. Too religious. Too religious.
-Ghost?
-Too supernatural.
-Personality?
-G.o.d, no.
-The word life life is too broad, I suppose. is too broad, I suppose.
-I need another f.u.c.king thesaurus, Thomas said. Thomas said. Mine was stolen while I was having a beer at the Thorn Tree. Mine was stolen while I was having a beer at the Thorn Tree.
She laughed. What a funny thing to steal, What a funny thing to steal, she said. she said.
She had made tea. The mention of beer made him want one. I have an overwhelming urge to spill myself messily at your feet, I have an overwhelming urge to spill myself messily at your feet, he said. he said.
Her hands froze as she poured the tea.
-Sorry, he said. he said. You should ignore the s.e.xual implications of that remark. You should ignore the s.e.xual implications of that remark.
She shrugged.
-You look wonderful, he added. he added. I should have said that sooner. I should have said that sooner.
-Thank you.
-Do men follow you in the streets? he asked. he asked.
She put the teapot down. Kenyan men are normally very respectful of women that way, Kenyan men are normally very respectful of women that way, she said. She paused. The rains had suddenly ceased, as if someone had turned off the faucet. Their voices were now too loud. she said. She paused. The rains had suddenly ceased, as if someone had turned off the faucet. Their voices were now too loud. Wouldn"t your wife have told you this? Wouldn"t your wife have told you this?
-My wife might want me to think they did, he said without hesitation when he should have hesitated. Linda turned her face to the window. It was the most disloyal thing he"d said about Regina. Doubly disloyal, implying not only that his wife would lie to her advantage, but might also want to make him jealous. he said without hesitation when he should have hesitated. Linda turned her face to the window. It was the most disloyal thing he"d said about Regina. Doubly disloyal, implying not only that his wife would lie to her advantage, but might also want to make him jealous.
-I"m sorry, he said. To whom or about what, he wasn"t sure. he said. To whom or about what, he wasn"t sure.
-Do you have children? she asked. she asked.
-No. He paused. He paused. Regina was pregnant once, but she miscarried when she was five months along. Regina was pregnant once, but she miscarried when she was five months along.
-I"m sorry.
-It was a hideous miscarriage that ended in the delivery room. It was a week before our wedding.
He didn"t add that backing out of the marriage would have been unthinkable, though, miserably, the thought had crossed his mind. Since then - - fit punishment fit punishment - - Regina had not been able to conceive, a fact that sometimes made her sad and paradoxically maternal. The way she carried on with Kenyan children Regina had not been able to conceive, a fact that sometimes made her sad and paradoxically maternal. The way she carried on with Kenyan children - - any child any child - - was heartbreaking to watch. It had been three years, and it was time to take the tests, but she, who would know, had little faith in Kenyan medicine. She wanted to wait until they got home. Which was fine with him. was heartbreaking to watch. It had been three years, and it was time to take the tests, but she, who would know, had little faith in Kenyan medicine. She wanted to wait until they got home. Which was fine with him.
-You don"t have children? he asked. he asked.
-Oh, no.
No more than he had expected, but he felt relief all the same. I feel like someone just hacked open my chest with a machete, I feel like someone just hacked open my chest with a machete, he said. he said.
-Another scar, she said lightly. she said lightly.
There was a long silence between them.
-Rich is coming, he said after a time. he said after a time.
-Rich? she asked, brightening. she asked, brightening. How old is he now? How old is he now?
-Sixteen.
-Imagine! She shook her head slowly back and forth. She shook her head slowly back and forth. What"s he like? What"s he like?
-He"s a good kid. He likes boats. He works at the yacht club during the summer, ferrying the launch.
-He was seven when I knew him. Such a sweet boy.
-Well, maybe if you"re in Nairobi, you"ll come to dinner and meet him.
The insanity of the dinner invitation was like a boy"s voice breaking in mid-speech.
-I"m sure he remembers you, Thomas added. Thomas added. Well, I know he does. He still talks about what a good ice-skater you were. Well, I know he does. He still talks about what a good ice-skater you were.
-It seems like so long ago, she said wistfully. she said wistfully.
-It seems like only yesterday.
He studied her arm on the table. The hair there was nearly white as well. She seemed to notice his scrutiny, for she withdrew her arm. Perhaps she was still self-conscious about her hands.
-Tell me about your work, she said. she said.
He thought a moment. No. No.
She looked up and smiled. Touche. Touche.
He knew the work was good. It was a simple fact that never left him. And he knew that one day someone else would see this if only he could be patient. He sometimes marveled at his confidence and wondered where it had come from. And though he seldom talked about it, he never mistrusted it.