"You talked to my mom? In person?"
"Yes, briefly," he answered. "She wanted to fill me in on the situation."
I couldn"t imagine my mom in this place, sitting there with her legs crossed next to the hula dancers and the wall of hot sauce, waiting to go in and tell this man about her dead son and her sad daughter.
"Well," Dave said, gesturing inside his office where the big plaid couch and the box of tissues waited. "Come on in."
I hesitated. "Look, maybe this isn"t such a good-"
"I"m basically here to listen, Alexis," he said then. "If you want to talk. Give it a try."
Dave"s a nice enough guy. I haven"t figured out yet what he"s really good for, aside from being a misguided way for my mom to feel like she"s doing something for me during this time of need. Like life is not going to absolutely suck right now no matter what. But whatever. My brother"s dead. I"m not talking much, and not hanging out with my friends, and not being the normal chipper Lex they all expect.
So clearly I should go to therapy.
This afternoon I sit in Dave"s office for a full thirty minutes before I can think of anything productive to say. So far he"s been okay with that-letting me talk when I"m ready-but today I can tell that there"s something on his mind, some little walnut of my psyche he is eager to crack.
There"s something on my mind, too, but I don"t tell him.
I want to. The past few days have been pretty hard-core inside my head. I keep thinking that I must be crazy. Something inside this fragile brain of mine must have snapped under all the emotional strain. I"ve officially lost my grip on reality.
Because Ty is dead.
He"s gone. He"s never coming back.
What I saw the other night had to have been a hallucination or part of a mental breakdown or a waking dream.
It felt real.
But it couldn"t have been real.
Anyway, the smart thing to do would be to tell Dave about it. After all, he"s paid to listen to me. Rationally speaking he"s the perfect person to talk to-impartial, unemotional, practical. This is what therapy is supposed to be good for: to air out your crazy. To get better. To deal.
But what can I say? Um, yes, I saw the ghost of my dead brother in my bas.e.m.e.nt four nights ago.
To which Dave will say: Oh, that"s very interesting, Alexis; let"s get you some nice pills.
So Dave asks me how I am and I say I"m fine. Which I am not. He asks me how my week was and I say it was okay. Which it, very definitely, was not.
Then it"s quiet while Dave pins me with those kind blue eyes of his and I use the toe of my sneaker to fiddle with the edge of the rug.
Dave finally says: "I hope you"re not still upset about last week."
I stare at him blankly for a few seconds before I remember. Oh. Last week.
Right. We had a bit of a disagreement last week.
Because I told him about the hole in my chest. About how I feel like I"m going to die while it"s happening. How I"m terrified that these moments will come more and more often, and they"ll last longer and longer, until all I feel is the hole, and then maybe it will swallow me up for good.
I thought that was brave of me to confess. I was attempting to open up to him. I was trying to do what you"re supposed to do.
What I wanted Dave to tell me was that the hole is horrible, yes, absolutely, but that it"s normal, and that it will get better, not worse, and that I"m not going to die, at least not for a long, long time. It will hurt for a while, but I"m going to live.
And then I would try to believe him.
But what he said was, "There"s a medication we can get you for that."
Then he went on about SSRIs and the wonders of Xanax or maybe starting with Valium, which is nicely non-habit-forming, and I stared at him mutely until he was finished waxing poetically about drugs. Then he said, "What do you think?"
I said, "You want to put me on antidepressants?"
He said that antidepressants with traditional therapy made a very effective combination.
I said, "Do you think I"m depressed?"
He coughed. "I think you"ve been through something really hard, and medication might make it a little easier."
"I see. Have you ever read the book Brave New World?" I asked.
He blinked a few times. "No. I don"t think so."
"It"s about this society in the future where they have a drug called soma that makes everybody feel happy," I explained. "It"s supposed to fix everything. You"re not content at work? No problem. You take soma, and nothing bothers you. Your mom dies? Take some soma, and everything will feel hunky-dory."
"Alexis," Dave said. "I"m trying to help you. What you"re talking about with this hole sounds like a cla.s.sic description of a panic attack-"
"But here"s the thing," I pushed on. "That futuristic society where everybody is drugged to be happy, all the time, no matter what happens, it"s horrible-monstrous, even-it"s like the end of humanity. Because we are supposed to feel things, Dave. My brother died, and I"m supposed to feel it."
I stopped myself, suddenly out of breath. I wanted to say more. I wanted to scream about how Ty had taken antidepressants too, had been taking them for more than two years up until his death, and a fat lot of good it did him. I wanted to tell Dave my ironic little secret: that I know I"m supposed to feel this pain for my brother-sorrow, grief, whatever you want to call it-that I even want to feel it, but I don"t. Outside of those moments with the hole, I don"t feel anything at all.
I don"t need drugs to numb the pain.
"I understand," Dave said.
"G.o.d, when did therapists become pushers?" I said, still worked up.
Dave smiled, like he thought my insult was humorous, and then went straight to placating me. "All right, Alexis, all right. No drugs." And that"s when he suggested the diary thing.
Writing as an alternative to Xanax.
"I wrote in the journal this week," I report to him now.
He looks uncharacteristically surprised. "What did you write about?"
I shrug. "Stuff."
He waits for me to say more, and when I don"t, he just comes out and says, "Okay. This week I"d like to talk about your friends."
"I don"t have friends right now" is what slips out.
He raises his eyebrows. "You don"t have friends?"
Whoops. "I mean, yes, I have friends, but . . ."
"Have they stopped being your friends?" he asks. "Sometimes people don"t know how to respond to something like-"
"No," I backpedal. "No, they"re great. It"s just that . . . I think I stopped being theirs."
Dave makes a thoughtful little noise like this is a therapist"s gold mine. "Why?"
I take a minute to think about it. Well, in Jill"s case it"s because she was suffocating me with sympathy. When Ty first died, she was there every time I turned around, her eyes worried and bloodshot with crying. "Are you okay?" she"d ask, over and over and over.
No, moron, I"d think. I am not okay. My brother"s dead.
But I"d suck it up and say, "Yeah, I"m okay," which after a few days gave way to a weak nod, and then she"d say something like "Let me know if you need anything" or "I"m here if you want to talk." Which, after a while, I figured out was what she really wanted me to do. She wanted me to talk about Ty. About his death. About my feelings about his death. And suddenly I got the distinct feeling that she wanted me to cry, so that she could be my shoulder to cry on. She wanted me to break down so that she could build me back up, so she could be my stellar bestie who got me through the worst.
I know I"m probably being unfair. I love Beaker. I do. I"ve known her since sixth grade, when we were the nerdiest nerds in the gifted and talented cla.s.s. We"ve had a hundred sleepovers and many a long, serious conversation into the wee hours of the morning about the meaning of life and the likelihood of aliens on other planets and the stupidity of boys. But this thing with Ty isn"t just another serious conversation. It"s my whole wrecked, messed-up life. It"s me.
She can"t fix me.
I was getting sick of watching her try. So I just, like, backed away slowly.
I say all of this to Dave, and he nods. "What about your other friends? Your boyfriend?"
"We broke up a few weeks ago," I say. New topic: "I also have this friend Eleanor, but it"s simpler with her, in a way. She"s been avoiding me, while trying to seem like she"s not avoiding me, of course. I don"t think she"s looked me in the eye since it happened. But that"s okay. I get it. Like you said, some people don"t know how to respond."
"So you don"t have any friends right now?"
"Well, I see my old friends at school, eat lunch with them, and we have cla.s.ses together. But I don"t really feel like doing anything extracurricular, and I need to be home for my mom. So I guess, no. I don"t. Not at the moment."
"That"s sad, Lex," he says.
That"s my middle name these days. Alexis Sad Riggs.
"You don"t have to go through this by yourself," Dave says. "Try to let people in. That"s the only way they can help you."
I can"t be helped, I think. There is no magic spell that will bring Ty back. There"s nothing anybody can do.
"I"ll work on that," I say, and go back to fiddling with the rug.
It"s quiet again. I can literally hear the clock in his office ticking. Four minutes of therapy left to go.
Three minutes.
Two.
"So do you have anything else you want to talk about?" Dave asks.
Last chance, I think. Tell him about seeing Ty.
"No," I say. "I"m good."
Which has to be like Lie #17 in this session alone.
Then I stand up, even though I still have ninety-six seconds left, and walk away from therapy as fast as I can go.
I have dinner with Dad at Olive Garden. We normally have dinner together on Tuesday nights, after my regular Tuesday session with Dave. Because Megan has yoga on Tuesdays. Dinner with Dad is always a quiet affair because he has even less to say than I do. He doesn"t have the most exciting job in the world-he"s an accountant-and he knows I don"t want to hear about Megan or the house he lives in with her or how they pa.s.s their time, so there"s not much left to discuss. It was easier when Ty was with us (although Ty hated the Dad dinners and was always finding last-minute excuses not to show), because at least then we could talk about sports.
Now we"re down to one safe topic of conversation.
"How"s school?" Dad asks.
"I got a seventy-one on my calculus midterm," I blurt out.
I don"t know why I tell him. It"s embarra.s.sing, especially with my dad, who"s obviously a bit of a numbers guy himself. I can"t look at him when I say it. I"m sure my face is bright red, but I keep picking at the salad like everything is fine.
Dad puts down his breadstick. "That sounds serious."
"It is serious," I agree. "My grade"s down to at least an A-minus. Which means I"m not going to be valedictorian."
"Can you retake it?" he asks.
"No." Lie #18.
"I see." He clears his throat, then goes back to eating the breadstick.
"I"m sorry, Dad," I say after a minute. And I am. I hate disappointing him, even after everything. I care what he thinks.
"It"s not important," he says, but he doesn"t mean it. Dad"s always going on about how hard you have to work to be the best, to excel at everything, to reach for the very top-the best grades, the best education, the best job-so that you can live up to your potential, he always says, which is where I read so that you don"t end up an accountant in Nebraska with a divorce and two (wait, make that one now) kids when you could have been so much more.
We eat. Dad drinks two gla.s.ses of red wine, even though he hates wine. Then he pressures me into ordering dessert.
"How"s your mother?" he asks as I disa.s.semble a piece of tiramisu.
I could tell him about the crying thing. But he doesn"t want to hear that. He doesn"t want to know that she cries all the time and that she doesn"t get out of bed unless she has to be at work or church and that she sleeps with Ty"s old stuffed monkey clutched to her chest. He doesn"t want to hear that she thinks Ty is still in the house, and I don"t even know what he"d do if I told him what I saw in the bas.e.m.e.nt.
He wants me to say that Mom"s okay.
So I say, "She"s all right"-Lie #19-and Dad pays the check. We put on our coats and wander out into the cold night air, and he hugs me stiffly, and then, as usual, we go our separate ways.
THE HOUSE IS DARK WHEN I GET HOME. Mom must have already gone to bed, which isn"t so unusual, even at eight o"clock at night. She sleeps so she doesn"t have to be awake, so she will be conscious of what"s happened as little as possible.
I wish I could sleep like that.
I spend an hour doing homework. Then I reach that time when normally I would go downstairs to watch TV.
This is a dilemma. I haven"t ventured into the bas.e.m.e.nt in four days, not even to do laundry. I haven"t watched TV. I haven"t brought it up with Mom that maybe the cologne thing wasn"t so ridiculous after all.
Yes, I"m aware that I"m a total coward.