What am I doing?
He didn"t belong in a family anymore. He didn"t even know how to be in one. Too much time had pa.s.sed. Life had gone on. He was a solo operator. A Rogue.
And as the fight ended just as Talyn had predicted it would, the walls seemed to close in on him as they became even more jovial and "normal."
Suddenly, Fain couldn"t breathe. He felt stifled and overwhelmed. This wasn"t right. It wasn"t what he knew or was used to.
I have to get out of here.
Galene froze as she saw the panicked look in Fain"s eyes. He reminded her of a trapped, feral animal. "Fain?" She reached for him.
He shot off the sofa and was across the room, faster than she could blink. "I need to go. I have something I have to take care of. Um..." Frowning, he glanced around at the others as he patted his pockets as if seeking something. "Thanks." He was gone so quickly, she barely realized he"d touched the door.
"That was so weird," Morra said as she picked up plates and threw them out. "Even for Hauk."
Galene gathered the kids" plates. "What do you mean?"
"You know, he"s always reclusive. I"ve never seen him around anyone except his brother."
Qory gestured at them.
"Yeah," Morra translated for him. "He doesn"t even have his own crew. He runs completely solo."
"Paka doesn"t like people," Warwyk said as he threw away their cups. "He says they wear on his nerves. Except for us." He gestured at himself and his sister. " "Cause we"re little people and even though me and Vega outnumber him, we"re still small enough he can toss us over his shoulder and tickle us into submission."
Vega rolled her eyes at his simple explanation. "That"s not what he means, Warwyk. He loves us so we don"t get on his nerves. But he doesn"t trust anyone else at his back. Not even Tavali."
Galene hadn"t really given it any thought before.
Now...
"Would you excuse me?" She left them to follow after Fain. a.s.suming he went back to his Tavali quarters, she tried there first.
She knocked on the door and waited.
No one answered. Since she was the CO of the facility, Fain had given her a master key for Andarion housing. She wasn"t sure if her card would work on his room or not, but it was worth a try.
Galene slid her key in and pressed the lock. The door opened to a large, dark flat. "Fain? You home?"
Turning on the lights, she stepped inside and froze. The floor was covered with the flyers that were constantly being shoved under their doors. By the amount, it was obvious that Fain didn"t spend much, if any, time here. While the entire place was furnished, there was nothing personal inside it. It was eerie and quiet. Like a museum or library. One that included a heavy layer of dust over the furniture and counters.
Yeah, he didn"t live here.
Where else could he be staying?
Scowling, she ran over Vega"s words. Now that she thought about it, she"d never seen him with anyone. He only spoke to Venik when he had to.
He ate alone. Worked out alone.
There was only one other place she could think to try...
Galene hesitated as she pressed the controls for Fain"s ship. It seemed like a stupid idea, but where else could he have gone?
Like his flat, the ship was dark, except for security lighting. She started to leave until she heard the faint sound of music playing.
Frowning, she followed it to the captain"s quarters. The door was open, and there, on the small bed, sat Fain with his hands propped on his bent knees while he played his link.
Alone.
The jacket he"d worn earlier was hanging in his open closet with the rest of his clothes, letting her know that this really was where he made his home. Not in the station quarters he"d been a.s.signed.
Yet it was almost as sterile here as it"d been there. The beauty of his parents and their strict, military rules he"d been raised with. His mother had never allowed Fain any kind of freedom at home. Endine Hauk had run her house like a barracks.
A place for everything and everything in its place. Keep only what you can carry. Males didn"t need any kind of excess toys or items, except for weapons. He hadn"t even been allowed to put posters up on his walls for decoration. Not even a picture frame.
Obviously, Fain still lived that way. There were next to no personal items here. Only the link in his hands, the blaster on his hip, and her ring on his finger. Just what he could carry.
"What are you doing?"
He jumped with a curse that would have been comical if her heart wasn"t broken for him. "What are you doing here?"
"I came to find you."
"Why?"
"I was worried about you."
He frowned as if he couldn"t conceive of that. "I"m fine."
But he wasn"t. There was a deep, dark sadness in his eyes. One that made her ache for him. "Why did you leave so suddenly?"
"Fight was over." His tone was flat and emotionless. "I guess I should have helped clean up. Sorry."
But she wasn"t buying it for even a second. Galene crossed the room to stand by the bed. "Fain. Look at me."
He hesitated before he complied.
"I want the truth. Why did you leave?"
"I felt..." He lowered his gaze to the floor. "Like an intruder."
Sitting down on the bed, she cupped his face in her hand and forced him to look at her. "That was not my intent. I wanted you to feel included."
He covered her hand with his and closed his eyes. "I don"t know how, Stormy." He pulled her hand down to stare at her fingers as if they were foreign objects to him. "You asked me why I put your lineage on my arm. Because I wanted to remember what it was like to have someone beautiful to hold on to. But I realized tonight that it"s gone and that nothing can bring it back. I failed all of you. In the worst ways imaginable. I was never there when you and Talyn needed me, and I don"t know how to make it better. The last thing I want to do is cause you harm. So it"s best if I just stay away."
Tears blinded her as her memories surged. Fain had no real understanding of family.
Only rigid obligation.
His parents had never been loving. They gave because it was what they "had" to do. She remembered when they were kids and Fain would get sick. His mother would criticize him for taking her away from work, and as soon as she got Fain home, she"d leave him for his older brother to tend. Something Keris had resented and he"d made sure that Fain knew just how much he hated caring for him. So Fain had learned to "not bother" his family whenever he was ill.
Not even for broken bones.
All his life, Fain had been charged with taking care of others. But not once had anyone ever taken care of him.
It was time for that to change.
"Come back with me, Fain."
His scowl deepened. "Why?"
"Because I want you there."
His eyebrows shot north. "For?"
She had to force herself not to roll her eyes. He was so much like Talyn it was criminal. Laughing at him, she took his hand and tugged at him. "Not for what you"re thinking. You need someone to take care of you."
He snorted at that. "I"m more than capable of taking care of myself."
"This isn"t about being capable or need. I want to take care of you. Now get on your feet, Pirate, and follow me."
Fain started to argue, but the tone of her voice told him it would be all kinds of stupid. Besides, he didn"t want to fight with her anymore.
Deep down in a part of his heart he didn"t want to admit existed, he wanted what he"d seen tonight. That kind of camaraderie. Kinship.
Family. Just once in his life, he wanted to belong to someone.
Sliding his link into his pocket, he got up and pulled his boots on, then he shrugged his jacket on and locked down his ship.
"Why aren"t you using your Tavali quarters?"
He shrugged nonchalantly. "It"s not home."
"Where is?"
"My ship."
This time, she did roll her eyes. "I"m serious, Fain."
"Yeah. So am I."
She paused to stare up at him. "You honestly live on your ship?"
He nodded. "Dancer lets me crash in his guesthouse sometimes, but I don"t spend a lot of time on Andaria."
Because until recently, it would have meant his life if he"d been caught there. As an Outcast, he"d have been imprisoned by law should anyone have recognized him and reported him to their authorities. It said a lot that he"d risk that to visit his brother, especially given his mother"s hatred of him.
"I"m surprised your mother never turned you in."
"She tried once. Nyk put the fear of the G.o.ds into her. And now that I"ve been returned to caste, thanks to Cairie, it"s a little easier to visit, but I still don"t spend a lot of time there. Too many bad memories."
"But you have addresses on different planets?" She"d seen them in his file.
"They were just mailboxes, over the years. I always lived in ports, unless I was under Tavali orders and doing illicit activities for Ven or Eriadne."
"You never put down any roots?"
He shook his head. "Never had a reason to. Dancer"s the only family I have and he"s always been mobile with The Sentella. I tended to stay within a few days" reach of whatever address he had."
In case his brother needed him. He didn"t say it, but Galene knew the reason. Dancer had always come first with him. "You talk to him a lot?"
"Not really. Just kind of grunt at each other in pa.s.sing."
Laughing, she opened the door to her flat and let him enter first. Everyone had already left, and Talyn was cleaning up the last of their dinner and snacks as they came in.
He scowled at Fain as he closed the fridge.
Fain drew up short at the sight of his son, who was wearing nothing but pajama bottoms. But the wardrobe choice wasn"t what shocked him. It was Talyn"s bloodred eyes that he"d kept covered with contacts up until now.
Stralen.
s.h.i.t.
Like father, like son. Whereas Talyn"s must be permanent, Fain"s had faded a few hours after Talyn"s conception. Had he ever slept with Galene again, it might have become permanent. But there was no way of knowing now.
"You going to say something?" Talyn challenged him in that deep, angry voice.
"Are you?"
"Boys!" Galene warned. "Play nice."
Talyn jerked his chin at Fain. "Why"s he back?"
"I asked him."
Grabbing his water, Talyn snorted and headed for his connecting room. "Thought I raised you better."
Galene shook her head and sighed. "I swear he"s your clone."
"Not really."
"You think not?"
"No. I"d have kicked my a.s.s."
Sighing heavily at him, she took his hand and led him to the couch. "Come on, Fain. Let me show you your son."
He had no idea what she meant until she connected her link to the monitor and spent the next few hours showing him countless photos and videos of Talyn from birth to adulthood.