ch 6 Memories That Can Never Be Erased
I looked at the bed sheet and saw a trace of the mark that was still there, that memory that would never be erased. I didn’t regret it. No matter the craziness, I wouldn’t regret it.
I told myself, “Zhang Yang, dearest, I’m sorry. This time, Bala won’t be listening to you.”
When Xu Yi saw me again, I was having ice cream on the street.
Recently, I’ve always been wanting to eat certain foods. Sometimes it’s soy milk, sometimes it’s cake, and sometimes it’s melon seeds. That day, I wanted to eat ice cream.
Standing on the street, I ate the five-colored ice cream tastily.
Xu Yi walked up to me, “It’s such a cold day, you should be careful of your health.”
That gave me a great big fright. I turned around and saw him. He wore an overstated coat, jeans, and he wasn’t carrying a backpack. His eyes were bloodshot, and he was thinner.
I feigned an easygoing smile, “Child, you have final exams. You can’t skip cla.s.s.”
“What’s the difference,” Xu Yi said. “Whether I skip or not, it will be the same.”
I flipped my ice cream over. “Don’t give up on yourself. Forget the past and start again.” The ice cream dripped to the ground, like thick tears.
“I want to know why,” he persisted. “When you love someone, how can you forget just because someone says to forget? Where did your pa.s.sion at the start go?”
“I’m heartless.”
“Rubbish!” His bloodshot eyes scolded me.
I laughed, lifted my head, and finished my ice cream in one bite. I waved bye at him and strode away.
Dejected, he called after me, “I can’t forget you!”
I kept walking forward, ruthlessly. When I pa.s.sed the street corner, I couldn’t stand it anymore and turned around to look at him. He stood alone on the winter street, serious and desolate, with an air of desolation. Large cotton (?) fell down, his wings that could not fly.
And then I received Zhang Yang’s text.
He said, “I’ll be waiting at the old place.”
I looked at my phone, it was almost 6 in the evening. Winter days were getting dark quickly, and dusk had already come. When I arrived at the old place, the sky was already dark. I saw him leaning there. He wasn’t smoking, but playing with his phone. When he heard my footsteps approaching, he looked up and waved in greeting.
“Which girl are you texting?” I walked close to him, trying to see his phone.
He didn’t pull his phone away. I realized it was a new phone. Samsung, new, impressive.
I pulled my coat together. With my back to him, I whispered, “We haven’t seen each other in half a month, dearest. Why didn’t you come to my place when you were free?”
“We have a test in the night self-study cla.s.s. I only have 15 minutes.” He turned me around and started kissing me. With his other hand, he held his phone and took a picture of the kiss. When I saw what he was doing, I laughed. He let go a bit and whispered, “Concentrate!”
But I couldn’t. I started to feel the uncontrollable nausea again. I pushed him away and crouched down on the side of the road, trying my hardest not to vomit. He quickly crouched down as well, asking, “What’s going on? You still haven’t got rid of it?”
G.o.d bless, I felt a lot better.
I stood up and said, “It’s nothing. I just have a slight cold.”
He looked at me, unbelieving.
I shouted out loud, “I already said I was fine.”
“Li Bala,” he pointed at me with his phone. “If you dare lie to me, do you know what will happen?”
I softly leaned against the wall, smiling as I said, “Are you going to kill me? I really wish you would.”
“Don’t lie to me. I don’t believe you right now.” He started getting agitated. “I’m warning you, you’d better not provoke me!”
“And what if I do provoke you?” I also started to not believe, and I became angry, sneering, “I really want to know. Will you scold me or hit me? Or say you want to break up?”
He put his phone into his pocket, walked to me, and pinched my chin. “Do you know, the thing I hate most is when someone threatens me.”
His eyes looked very scary, as if they were going to start dripping blood.
I sensibly didn’t answer.
I waited for him to calm down a bit.
“Answer me. Did you get rid of the kid in your stomach? Don’t lie!”
“No,” I said.
“Say that again, louder. I didn’t hear you.”
“No!” I cried out.
“This crazy woman, what are you trying to do?” He pushed me against the wall and started hitting my body with his knee. Once, twice, three times… He seemed like he was using all his strength. It hurt so much that I couldn’t breathe. Forget screaming. I could only open my mouth and bite down on his arm. Just as I felt I was about to faint, someone suddenly charged out from nowhere, and pushed aside Zhang Yang.
I tried to see who it was. Little Ear!
After she pushed away Zhang Yang, she spread her arms out in front of me, protecting me. I could clearly tell that she was afraid. She was shaking, but she courageously stood there, like a mother bird protecting her babies. Firm, not willing to leave.
“Get away!” I shouted to Zhang Yang. I was really afraid he might hurt Little Ear.
Seeing a stranger appear, Zhang Yang felt a bit afraid. As he stepped back, he stretched his finger out. In a low voice, he said, “Go ahead and try. If you don’t get rid of it, I’m not going to forgive you!” Then he left without looking back.
I couldn’t hold myself up anymore, sliding down the wall. I knelt on the ground, clutching my abdomen.
My Little Ear, oh, thank you.
That evening, Little Ear, who probably counted as a stranger, sent me home. Her small, warm hand held mine, leading me through the painful city, giving me a sense of stability.
The pain also strangely seemed to be diluted by her warmth.
That evening, I learned her name. Li Er.
Er as in ear, with a w.a.n.g radical.
When she helped me apply medicine, I told her my secret. I couldn’t keep it in anymore, and I really wanted to tell someone. To me, she’d already become someone I could pour my heart out to.
In all my years, the one person who made me want to pour my heart out.
I knew she wouldn’t betray me. But even if she did, I wouldn’t blame her. This little girl named Little Ear made all the goodness in my activate. She made me more tender and soft than when I was in love. I have no way to describe this feeling, but it gave me happiness, so I just went with it.
With G.o.d as my witness, I was very lonely.
That night, I watched her leave, that cute little girl. I was worried she’d be afraid, but I really didn’t have the strength to send her home. She turned back and smiled at me. Her smile was as bright as starlight. I leaned against the door and blew a kiss to her. She blushed. She put her hands together and tilted her head, motioning for me to sleep early. Then she turned around and left. I was a bit dazed as I watched her walk away and disappear into the distance.
The old lady’s game was finished oddly early. She had a cup of tea and kept looking outside. Very strangely, she asked, “Is she from Tian High?”
I ignored her and went back to my room.
I didn’t expect that Zhang Yang would come that night.
It was 12 o’clock. I hadn’t slept yet, when there was some motion at the window. I jumped up and opened the window. There he was.
We stood there, on either side of the window. The biting winter wind flew inside. I watched him, but didn’t tell him to come inside. Finally, I asked, “What are you doing here?”
“I’m sorry.” He was like a small child, lowering his head to apologize.
He was trembling, his inner fears coming out. “No matter what happens in the future, Bala, you have to remember, I really love you. I really do. You’re the first girl who’s made me feel something.”
“Okay,” I said defeatedly. “I’ll go to the country hospital to take care of it tomorrow.”
“I don’t want to either,” Zhang Yang said. “But we’ll have a second one, a third one. We’ll walk down the street, holding their hands. Just give me some time. I’ll give you happiness.”
“How long?” I asked him.
“How long are you willing to wait?” he turned the question back to me.
“For my whole life,” I hesitated. After I spoke, I chuckled at my own words. He asked nervously, “Why are you laughing?”
I honestly responded, “I’m laughing at myself, for having become the kind of girl without a backbone that I used to hate the most!”
He hugged me, his cold feet against mine. He didn’t say anything.
After awhile, it seemed like he’d fallen asleep. Even when there was a light snoring, I didn’t wake him to leave. Instead, I set my phone alarm for 6 AM. When he woke up, I wanted the first thing he saw to be the person he loved the most.
I wanted to be the person he loved the most.
For the rest of his life.
It must be that way.
The 102 bus, all the way from the terminal to the country hospital.
It was about an hour away from the city by car. I’d been there before, two years ago. That time, I’d accompanied one of my cousin’s girlfriend for an abortion. My cousin gave me 2,000 RMB (about 300 USD), and left an unfortunate girl in my hands. That girl was one year younger than me. All along the way, she chewed her gum nonchalantly, and kept sharing boring details about her and my cousin, including how he flirted with her. She was washing my cousin’s clothes for him, and then it was almost like falling into a fairy tale. I saw her sharp fingernails, and I knew right away that she wasn’t the kind of person to be hardworking. Moreover, my cousin didn’t even like her. He probably just liked her because she was young and naive.
The hospital was dirty, and the nurse’s face was very stiff. I remember how she was chewing her gum as she went into the operating room. She might have even been whistling. But when she came out, it was like she became a completely different person. Her face had gone pale, and she could hardly stand up. I’ll never forget how she grabbed tightly to my collar and told me, “I want to kill your cousin.”
Now, it was time to go back.
I went by myself, but there was no one pulling my collar. It was just me.
I also whistled loudly, as I walked into the hospital.
I remember the OBGYN department was on the third floor. After I took my ticket and walked to the second floor, my phone rang. A text came. It was Little Ear with greetings. Being remembered was such a happy thing. I happily returned her call. She still spoke very softly. It was so timid that it made you want to jump through the phone to hold her. When I finished talking to Little Ear, my phone rang again. This time, it was Zhang Yang. He was definitely in the school courtyard making this call. I could hear the sound of the wind blowing past.
“We’re in physical education cla.s.s,” he said. “I remembered you, so I ran off to call you. It’s really cold today. Make sure to take care of yourself.”
“Mm,” I said.
“Is everything taken care of?”
“I’m doing it now.”
“By yourself?”
“Yes.”
He hesitated before saying, “That won’t do, Bala. Why don’t you wait two more days. Wait until I’m on break, and I’ll go with you. You can’t go by yourself.”
“It’s okay.”
“I said it won’t do!” Zhang Yang said. “To be honest, I was really nervous today. I keep worrying that something (bad) will happen. Hurry and get on the bus and come back. At most, it’ll be a week before I’m on break. I can take several days off. Let me go with you.”
“It’s okay,” I said. “I’m already here. Once it’s taken care of, you won’t have to worry.”
“But what if something happens to you? Wouldn’t that be more worrying?” Zhang Yang asked. “Listen to me, and come back.”
“Okay,” I said.
“I love you,” he spit out the words. Then he hung up.
I was in a bit of a trance. I stuffed my phone into my jeans pocket. Standing on the staircase, I wasn’t sure if I should go up or down. Two nurses pa.s.sed by me, looking at my pretty, pointed heels and my strange hairdo. Then they finally left.
I finally turned around and went down the stairs.
In that moment, I realized. Even if Zhang Yang hadn’t called, I wouldn’t have been able to carry this out. Inside of me was my own baby. My dearest and me, our baby. He deserved to be born into the world. No one could kill him, I couldn’t kill him.
It’s just that love made me softhearted for a moment.
I took the 102 bus back to the terminal. As we pa.s.sed Tian High, I couldn’t stop myself from getting off. I stood in a corner, not far from the campus. Originally, I wanted to see Zhang Yang and give him a surprise. I didn’t see him though. But I did suddenly spot Little Ear. She was wearing a pink jacket again, her face flushed, looking very cute.
She walked home alone, looking rather lonely.
I know that she treated me as a good friend, but I couldn’t pull up the courage to shout to her in front of Tian High. I’m someone surrounded by trouble. So I stayed in my corner, silently watching as she left.
The next time I saw Little Ear was already the third day of the new year. Zhang Yang went to his grandmother’s place in Shanghai. He said he’d go to the hospital with me when he came back. I was a bit more energized, and I didn’t feel like sleeping all day anymore. I could even make jokes. I was joking with a friend at Forget It Bar, when I saw Little Ear. It surprised me. I didn’t really like that she was coming to this kind of place. I pulled her outside.
But then she brought up…Xu Yi.
It should have been the second time now. The first time was at the noodle shop. I suddenly felt a but cheerful. It looked like my Little Ear was struggling with a crush. There were a lot of kids like that at Tian High, not daring to love, not daring to hate. Not even daring to speak out loudly. Those people didn’t have anything to do with me, but I couldn’t not care about Little Ear.
She told me that Xu Yi did very poorly on his final exams. She wanted me to help him. I smiled and looked at her. I was sure my smile would unsettle her, but it didn’t. She softly pleaded with me.
I really couldn’t stand her begging, so ridiculously, I agreed to see Xu Yi. But I had her bring Xu Yi over. She turned around and went to find him. To be honest, I didn’t really think she’d be able to bring Xu Yi here. When I was on stage, singing the familiar, sad song, I saw Xu Yi. He had run over. Little Ear wasn’t in his eyes at all. He rushed straight to me, asking, “Is it true about you and Zhang Yang?”
So it was out in the open now.
I didn’t deny it, and simply said, “Yes.”
Xu Yi was like a madman, clutching onto me, refusing to let go, as if he wanted to take my life. I saw my cousin at the counter snap his fingers. Several people surrounded us and pulled him away. They started kicking him. I wanted to stop them, but two people held me back, pulling me over to the counter. I shouted to my cousin, “Don’t fight him! Just throw him out!”
My cousin struck a match and said, “This kid’s been causing trouble all day. That won’t do.”
Then I saw Little Ear, my brave Little Ear. She threw herself into the group of people, wanting to protect Xu Yi with her thin body. I ran over, trying to grab her, but I couldn’t grab her. I watched helplessly, as a beer bottle hit her on the head.
Blood streamed down her face. Maybe she felt pain, maybe she felt fear, as she softly lied on the ground.
I rushed forward and slapped the rotten guy who broke the bottle. It didn’t seem like enough, so I hit him again with the back of my hand.
Finally, the bar settled down.
I bent down and held Little Ear in my arms. She seemed to be completely unconscious. I shook her with all my life. Her eyes flickered open, before closing again.
Beside me came a voice, “Bala, stop shaking her. She’ll be fine. I’ll go get a doctor.”
“No need,” I said coldly. “Take her to my house!”
Xu Yi crawled up from the ground and looked at the girl laying in my arms. It seemed like he didn’t recognize her, and he didn’t understand why she would act so selflessly for him. I said to him, “You’d better go. Remember, her name is Li Er. She likes you. In the future, you’re not allowed to bully her. You hear me?”
“What kind of games are you playing?” he asked, voice hoa.r.s.e.
This unreasonable idiot! I wouldn’t care about him anymore.
With two boys carrying Little Ear, we left Forget It Bar.
Little Ear, I’m sorry. It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have let you get hurt. I held her close, my heart aching. I wished the person who’d gotten hurt was me instead of her.
With G.o.d as my witness, what I said was the truth of all truths.
Later on, I saw something Little Ear had written on her blog. She said that she wanted to become a bad girl. That made me feel overjoyed. She didn’t know. Bad wasn’t something you became, it was something you were born as.
I said it before. I was born as a bad girl.
Oh, no. A bad woman.
During winter break, I got sick.