The kid comes to see me again.His usual happy energy is nowhere to be seen.
Instead he looks tired and drained.
That"s not what shocks me the most though.
No. What shocks me the most is when he practically flings himself into my arms and starts to sob.
I don"t put my arms around him.
I honestly don"t know what to do.
I"ve never had to comfort a sobbing child before.
Still he must have found comfort somehow.
It isn"t long but feels like an eternity before his shuddering sobs subside and he finally pulls away.
"What"s wrong?"
Something obviously is.
Every time I"ve seen him he"s been bright and cheerful and now he can barely keep it together.
He doesn"t answer me.
He just shakes his head.
Still I feel his pain as clearly as my own.
"You don"t have to tell me."
I know I haven"t exactly been forthcoming either.
"Just… Just tell me what to do."
I want to soothe his pain in any way I can.
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I want to see him smile again.
Sadness doesn"t suit him.
"Hold me? Please…?"
His broken voice is almost more than I can take.
Tossing aside my reservations I scoop him into my arms.
I clamp down on my instinctive recoil and just hold him tighter.
He needs this.
After all he"s done to help me the least I can do is help alleviate his pain.
***
Larcen finds us like that some hours later.
He doesn"t say anything, just scoops the now sleeping kid into his arms.
Everything about him screams defeated.
Something big obviously went down.
He looks like he"s about to say something, but he just lets out a sigh instead.
When he leaves the room feels colder somehow and I"m keenly aware of just how empty my arms are.
***
My husband comes to see me that night.
He looks just as bad as the kid and Larcen had.
"Thank you... for taking care of Adrian."
I shrug.
I didn"t really do anything and even if I did it was for the kid, not him.
He takes a seat on a chair next to the bed dashing my hopes that he"ll leave soon.
He shoots me a wry smile when he sees the annoyance I don"t bother hiding.
"Don"t worry. I"m not about to burst into tears and beg you for comfort. I just need a moment."
I try to stifle my curiosity.
Anything that can cause reactions like this is something I"m better off not knowing.
Still I wasn"t raised to ignore things that can affect me in future.
If this place is found out then I"ll be captured and hung again.
No, not just me.
The kid, my husband, Larcen and everyone else here.
"What happened?"
He frowns slightly.
"Do you really want to know?"
The question comes out wary.
Do I?
I give a hesitant nod.
"Some of the guys decided to do a recon run to the palace. That"s all it was supposed to be: recon."
I have a sinking feeling in my stomach about this but it"s too late to back out.
"Recon isn"t all that happened, is it?"
He scoffed derisively.
"Somehow they must have given their position away because the guards were waiting for them."
I stiffen.
I know what"s coming.
"These guys they weren"t warriors. Before this they were peaceful farmers. They were strong but unskilled. They stood no chance."
He doesn"t meet my eyes.
That"s good, because I can"t bring myself to meet his either.
A warning from me could have prevented this.
I don"t say anything.
What could ever be enough at a time like this?
After a moment he continues.
"They managed to get away. They made it here. Adrian tried to heal them but their wounds were too many and too damaging. All it did was prolong their agony."
I wince.
The kid doesn"t deserve to feel that kind of guilt and anguish.
The knowledge that people are counting on you and yet no matter how hard you try and how much you want to help, you"re powerless to do anything.
Riel lets out a heavy breath and gets up.
"Look, I know you probably don"t care about any of this, but thank you for listening."
I give him a jerky nod.
I don"t know how long I sit there after he leaves.
I can"t help but wish Kent was with me.
He"d dispel my doubts.
He"d tell me what to do.
No.
I can"t expect to rely on him all my life.
She is right.
I have been using him as a crutch.
My father would be so disappointed.
He did not raise me to be weak and waver.
This entire time, I"ve been hiding behind excuses.
I keep telling myself that none of this has anything to do with me.
But that"s not true.
I"m involved whether I like it or not.
This rebellion puts everyone in danger.
If even a single action of mine prevents those I care for from becoming collateral damage then isn"t it worth putting aside my own reservations?
Still…
A single mage isn"t going to turn the tide.
No, to stand a fighting chance we need something else.
Someone else.
Can I swallow my pride long enough to do this?
For those who mean most to me....
I can do anything.