"Order them," replied the general, "to get to their families, keep respectable for the rest of the day, and then let them defy the devil with their good behavior, for it is not yet light, and in all my military experience (and I have had more than most men) I never heard of a general being called up at midnight to review troops. Get ye away to them, sir, and if they be not content with this order, tell them the fault"s none of mine; for if the devil come, you must not disturb my sleep."
"It is my duty to carry your order, general," rejoined the colonel, again touching his hat, "but I am sure it will not be obeyed, for I have heard it said that the seventh regiment have a commendable fear of the devil, and would rather have nothing to do with him." The distinguished French gentleman was so puzzled at the conduct of his superior officer, that he stood shrugging his shoulders, lifting his mustache, and contorting his face into every imaginable expression.
At length he swore by Saint Peter, and one or two more of the apostles, that if the general got not up in a trice, and issued his order how to form the brigade, he would withdraw, report his condition, and throw up his sword.
"Stop, sir," said the general, "let not a disrespectful word pa.s.s your lips, or I order you under arrest, and sent to the devil, which is a good enough punishment for Frenchmen." The colonel was about to withdraw; but the general again peremptorily ordered him to stop, and, after some effort, succeeded in getting his legs over the side of the bed, and his body in an upright position; and, when he had gazed about the room confusedly, and fumbled about for his drawers, he said to the officer, "And now, sir, I change my mind, do you do this: first order me a waiter! and when you have done it, see that he be not a simpleton, but a good, honest fellow, who will a.s.sist me to put on my uniform without keeping his hand to my nose, expecting it to drop shillings. Then get this sleeping gentleman you see here awake, for he is a person of much consequence, and, being the guest of the city, (which I say, seeing how much wind the fathers have wasted over him,) and a major who has seen service in Mexico, it will be of much importance that he go with us. Then, sinking the rules of the service for a few minutes, you must join us in a morning gla.s.s, which will do you no injury, for I see you are every inch a soldier. Then, go straightway to the general of brigade, tell him to let the bands play till they have cracked their cheeks, and earned their money, which they will not do unless you tell them. And as I have not seen much of this general of brigade"s skill, and have heard it said that his brains are in his boots, tell him that the general in command orders him to form the brigade, which, if he have sense enough, he can do while I am putting on my breeches." Here the general"s lower lip dropped, he cast a confused look first on the floor then at the feathered Frenchman, and then began tugging away at his drawers, until his nightcap fell to the floor, followed by his wig and numerous imprecations, for he was vain of his looks, and thought himself a man whom any lady of taste might take for husband with credit to herself. "Then," he resumed, "say I order him to march the brigade up Broadway, in platoon, to Union Square; and let the bands ring out music that shall rend the very air, send the rich of the city to wondering, and crowd the streets with ragged vagabonds. And as I am a soldier, I take it when this is done no man dare say the brigade is not made up of heroes, every man of them; if he do, let him be bayoneted! Call a halt, when you reach the square, and there stand till I come, which will be when I have my horse."
After listening with great attention to the general"s commands, the aid again saluted, notwithstanding his chief was in his shirt, and then set about waking up the major, which he succeeded in doing after very many violent shakes, and at length seizing him by the shoulders and raising him bodily to his haunches, on which he sat endeavoring to disenchant his eyes, like the moody josch of a mandarin. The major then set to shouting at the top of his voice, exclaiming sundry queer commands, and making such strange flourishes with his hands as at first caused the Frenchman to take him for a madman.
It turned out, however, that he fancied himself mounted upon old Battle, reviewing the Barnstable Invincibles, whom he was berating right soundly for a set of stupid knaves. An invitation from the general to join him and the aid in drinking a morning sweeper, suddenly brought him to his understanding, and, after offering numerous apologies for the distressed state of his person, said he was not aware that the earliness of the hour prevented military men and politicians from drinking one another"s health, provided they were of equal rank: he therefore begged the feathered Frenchman to join him in drinking the health of General Benthornham, a gentleman and a soldier; in fact, a man of whom the country was proud, for he had seen wars enough to satisfy the ambition of any gentleman with a military turn of mind. The general condescended a bow in return for so flattering a compliment, and saying the best men were known by their deeds, placed the gla.s.s to his lips and quaffed the mixture with a wry face.
The aid now took his departure, with orders to his general of brigade; and a servant having appeared, the two distressed officers, still suffering from the effect of the revel, ordered a light breakfast of coffee, toast, and eggs, which, when they had quaffed the congress water, they devoured like true heroes, the superior officer being not a little surprised at the facility with which Major Roger Potter used his fingers, and discoursed of his wife, Polly"s, skill in preparing good breakfasts. They then ordered their horses, the major giving particular directions how to saddle old Battle, to the end that he might carry a standing tail, which was rare with him. He also directed that his own holsters be mounted, for, though they were shabby in appearance, no soldier could fail to see that they had seen a deal of service, and would admire them the more for it.
And now, gentle reader, lest you be deceived in either of my military heroes, I will just mention, that the major retired to his own room, and, having habited himself in his well worn uniform, joined General Benthornham, who had also got himself into his uniform, and taken up a position at the table, armed, not with his sword, but a corpulent decanter, from which he was filling his gla.s.s. The major never refused an invitation to join in a service held so laudable by the profession, and filled his gla.s.s also. And so strong was the beverage, that not many minutes had elapsed when they found it extremely difficult to take a forward move without oscillating from the line. As, however, the brigade was made up of gentlemen, and not fighting soldiers, the general suddenly remembered that it would not do to keep them waiting; and, taking the major by the arm, they toddled (as if the floor were unsafe for such good men to tread upon) down stairs, into the front hall, to the no small delight of the numerous bystanders, who gave them all the room required by their high positions.
And now, when the grooms brought the horses to the door, they were astonished that so famous a major should ride an animal so shattered in his appearance, and also travel with a pig who could match the devil in cutting up antics. They therefore stood viewing him with intense anxiety; and, as old Battle had the spring halt in his near hind leg, they were sure the major, when mounted, must cut a figure rarely presented in Broadway. And among the grooms there was one Bob Totten, a man born and reared in Barnstable, and who had, many years ago, been a fellow cordwainer in the same shop with the major.
"Faith," said he, in a voice loud enough to be heard by several of the bystanders, "it"s old Roger Potter, or my eyes deceive me, and he used to follow the trade of tin peddling."
A group of ragged and vicious boys, attracted by the strange figure cut by the major in his uniform, commenced dividing their jibes between him and his horse, evincing not the slightest respect for either. The question which should mount first was now mooted. The major insisted that he would see his superior officer first in the saddle; while the general argued, with equal plausibility, that courtesy demanded that the major should mount first, he being the guest of the city. They debated the point for some time; and at last compromised the matter by agreeing to mount together. This difficulty being settled, another of equal importance arose.
"You have brought me another man"s horse," said the general, in an angry tone; "and if I am known for my horsemanship, I value myself too much to be kicked off by a colt."
"Faith, sir," replied the groom, "the horse is your own, and no other man"s; and a horse of steady enough habits he is, too."
The general, however, continued to p.r.o.nounce him a strange horse, and refused to be convinced until he had applied his spectacles.
And now, matters being arranged to their satisfaction, they mounted amidst the shouts and screams of the boys; which was not to be wondered at, for I venture to a.s.set that young New York had never before seen a major so strangely mounted. The noise and confusion, however, was something old Battle was not accustomed to, for, though he was an horse of uncommon good behavior, he now p.r.i.c.ked up his head and tail, and gave out such proofs of the youth that yet remained in his bones, that it was with difficulty his rider could manage him. The general, meanwhile, coursed up Broadway with the lightness of a well mounted dragoon, turning in his saddle now and then to ascertain what had become of the major, who, by dint of hard labor, had got old Battle into a three-jog trot, and his head in the right direction. The mischievous urchins, however, continued to hara.s.s his rear, and so belabored his gambrels with whatever came to hand, that he increased his pace wonderfully, and at the same time made it so difficult for the major to keep his saddle that he completely lost his temper, and swore he would ride over the whole of them. But they ceased not to tease him; in truth, an urchin more mischievous than the rest, lighted a bunch of fire crackers he had tied to the end of a rod, and, with wicked intent, applied them to old Battle"s tail, so frightening him with the explosions that he took to his heels and dashed up Broadway like a colt of three years, spreading consternation among the promenaders, and causing numerous timid people to seek shelter in doors. In truth, I very much doubt whether John Gilpin ever frightened so many people, or caused so many to look with astonishment. Onward he dashed, pa.s.sing omnibuses and other vehicles without number, (all of which made way for him,) until he reached the New York Hotel, where he came up with the general, whose horse took it into his head not to be outdone by so shabby a charger, and, giving one or two springs, dashed up Broadway with the fleetness of an Arabian filly.
Scarce had the general"s horse taken this strange freak into his head, when old Battle stumbled, fell full length upon the pavement, and launched the major head foremost to the ground some yards in advance. "I give my soul to my Maker, for now my end has come," said he, "and I forgive all my enemies." A groan followed this exclamation, his limbs seemed seized with spasms, and then for several minutes he remained speechless. With the a.s.sistance of two policemen and several sympathizing gentlemen, he was carried into the New York Hotel, where the landlord kindly provided for him, and made him as comfortable as it was possible until he called in a physician, one Miliano, who had great skill in mending battered skulls, and restoring life to half dead persons. As for the general"s horse, he dashed on until he reached Union Square, where he made a bolt into the thickest of the brigade, which he scattered in such confusion and dismay that they looked neither to the right nor the left, but, depending upon their heels to save their valuable lives, ran into the nearest open doors, leaving their muskets to whomsoever saw fit to carry them off. And when the horse had reached the Everett House, he, in evident malice, threw the general over his head upon the pavement, when several persons rushed out and picked him up for dead; but, instead of being dead, he proved to be the soberest of men, and when he was upon his feet ordered the bravest man to go in pursuit of his horse, who was proceeding up Fourth Avenue, a terror to all pedestrians.
CHAPTER x.x.xVI.
WHICH RELATES HOW THE MAJOR WAS RESTORED TO CONSCIOUSNESS; AND OF THE STORY OF AN ECCENTRIC CRITIC.
LET me avail myself of your good nature, reader, for I am a man who would not artfully conceal truth to the injury of a friend; but I am, at the same time, conscious of the heavy penalty incurred in speaking the honest, unembroidered truth of some of our well tailored heroes, who open and shut like sunflowers under a vertical sun, and present an excellent object to attract the admiration of your fine ladies in Broadway. Heaven knows I appreciate the true hero, and am ready to favor an honest purpose with a joyful heart; but your political general of militia is a model of c.o.xcombry, a creature ready to faint when you want service of him, and the best imposture known at this day. I, however, hold it not well to turn the wheel too far against men who are harmlessly inclined, and in whose marching and countermarching up Broadway (with the pomp and circ.u.mstance of men about to face blood and flames) the juvenile and other lighthearted portions of the community find an excellent fund of amus.e.m.e.nt. Indeed, I remember that others may love what I have no taste to appreciate; and that when fortune turns against me, which is the case at this moment, I had better keep my thumbs out of my neighbor"s finger gla.s.s. Nor would I knowingly wound with my remarks on General Benthornham"s merits as an officer, the pride of one of his many admirers. Suffice it to say, then, (as the learned Doctor Easley would say,) that although his coat had received a rent or two in the back, no sooner was his truant horse brought back to him than he mounted with the daring of a book publisher, and, after evincing no small desire to ride over the brigade a dozen times, and putting it through a series of intricate evolutions, which the various regiments forming it performed with great credit to themselves, he ordered them dismissed and sent home, there to look well to their good behavior during the rest of the day. And for this last and very kind service, they thought him the bravest general history had any account of. In accordance, then, with this parental admonition, they betook themselves home, well fatigued, but as ready to fight as any good men ought to be when satisfied that arms were necessary to the maintenance of law; which, however much I may blush to acknowledge it, was the case in Gotham, which was in sad disorder-not from any bad spirit between its citizens, but merely the curious antics of a very ambitious mayor. Having made an amende I hope will prove ample, let us turn to the patient at the New York Hotel.
Major Roger Potter, who I forgot to mention had been dubbed a General on the preceding evening, lay in a state of stupor, though with evident signs of life, for some hours. Being the guest of the city, no little anxiety was evinced by the physician, who, after exercising great skill in feeling for broken bones and cracks in his skull, declared that he could find neither bruises nor broken bones; but, if appearances were to be taken, he had received such internal injury as must soon put an end to his usefulness in this world, and send him to a better. He therefore got out his lancet, and, after nearly draining his veins of blood, was about to apply a monster plaster to his head, when the patient suddenly opened his eyes and began to give out such extraordinary signs of life that the doctor as suddenly changed his mind, and, laying aside the plaster, at once declared he had the most sanguine hopes of his recovery. Meanwhile a report got over the city that Major Roger Potter was thrown from his horse, and lay a corpse at the New York Hotel. And the newspapers added to this report by inserting the mournful event as a fact.
Indeed, the city fathers, who evinced a strange pa.s.sion for mournings, were well nigh voting a respectable sum to pay proper respect to his remains, for they held it no disgrace to vote sums for melancholy purposes; which, however, they invariably spend in night suppers, over which they give one another b.l.o.o.d.y noses and black eyes-a distinguishing motto with divers hard headed councilmen. But the major was resolved not to be sent to his long account in so mean a style, and remained with his eyes wide open, and so clearly in possession of his rational senses, that the bystanders, who were all gentlemen of quality, (there not being an opera singer among them,) declared that his power of endurance was without bounds. In truth, it was proven that no amount of battering and bruising could kill so famous a warrior. But, if he opened his eyes, he spoke not a word until the physician was gone, when his lips slowly resumed their power of motion, and he said, in a voice scarcely intelligible, "Quantibus, moribus, canibus, omnibus, ma dormibus."
"Pray, what does he say?" inquired the bystanders of one another.
"Lambabus, Jehovabus, cananius," resumed the major, following the effort with a deep sigh.
"He speaks Latin," replied one of the bystanders; "and as I have a little of that language at my fingers" ends, I recognize that he says, "Blessed is he who dies in a n.o.ble mission." Yes, there! he repeats it again, and I have it exactly."
The major continued muttering several incoherent sentences, interlarding them with words of intelligible English, which doubly confused his auditors, another of whom declared that though he never had read a verse of Latin in his life, he was sure it was not that, but some strange tongue, in which the sufferer, being a profound scholar, desired to make his "dying declaration." They all finally came to this opinion, and agreed that a priest and a parson be called, as they were not quite sure as to his religion, and it was only necessary to have some one who knew Latin by heart. A druggist was suggested by another; but an objection was interposed on the ground that the Latin of druggists was not to be depended upon.
Again, it was said the priest and the parson would get to quarreling over some nice point of doctrine, or as to the exact style of sending him to heaven, which would make it extremely unpleasant for the worldly minded lookers on. "It is just come into my head," spoke a young man of genteel appearance and sympathizing looks, "that there lives in the neighborhood one Orlando Tickler, an Irish gentleman of much ancestry. He is reputed to be poor, but a profound critic of books; it is also said of him that he can speak numerous tongues." Orlando Tickler was a man of fashionable aspect, and had written various learned essays, largely set with Latin sentences, on subjects connected with high art, for which he affected a love equaled only by his contempt for every American who "dabbled in it."
And, as he was always ready to give proof of his wisdom, he came at the first invitation, and with so grave and solemn a bearing that no man would have dared to dispute his wisdom.
"And now, sir," said he, in a brogue of peculiar richness, addressing the prostrate hero, "since I see you are dying, and about to leave this world, pray what would you say in respect to yourself?"
The major (now General Roger Potter) fixed his eyes upon Mr. Tickler with such intenseness that he turned pale, and repeated his question. Whereupon the prostrate patient again muttered, "Quantibus, moribus, canibus, ma dormebus."
"Faith, and it"s as good Latin as my man could speak, which is saying no little for him as a gentleman," said Mr. Tickler, with an air of much wisdom.
"Please, sir, tell us what he says, for we are all impatient, lest the poor man go out of the world with a dying request upon his lips;" interposed one of the bystanders.
"What"s that he says, now?" queried Mr. Tickler, in reply. "Well, I have it!-he says, (and I think his mind is a little out because he says it,) that this world is all naked vanity, and the quicker a man makes his peace with heaven, the stronger is the proof that he is a man of sense."
They all agreed that this was a very sensible remark for a dying man, when the major, to their utter astonishment, again opened his lips, and with more vigor than before, muttered one of two sentences, which were all of Latin he had ever known in his life, "Apolla Majora canimus."
"See, now!-what is this it is now?" interposed the learned Tickler.
"Faith it"s hard enough keeping them all in a body"s head. Indeed, an" it"s come to me quick enough though! He says he gave his energies to his country, and hopes the devil may get his enemies if they say it was otherwise with him."
Mr. Tickler now commenced a dissertation on the beauties of the Latin language, the origin of which he traced into the ancient Celtic, which, judging from its Nomic melody, he should say bore a trite and common resemblance to that now spoken in Wales, Ireland, and the Highlands of Scotland; and which, notwithstanding the authorities to the contrary, he firmly believed was introduced first into his country by William the Conqueror. Indeed, he insisted that he had twice debated this point with the learned critic, Easley, (whom he styled the New York executioner of literature,) and beat him with ease; for though Easley was a man of profound knowledge and erudition, he was not a match for him at Latin.
"Omnes codem cogimur, omnium," repeated the major.
"Gentlemen," said the critic, "he has something of great importance to communicate, and, if it please you, desires to be alone for a few minutes." The bystanders were now well convinced that Mr. Tickler was a man of profound learning, and more than up to his reputation.
They, therefore, withdrew in silence; and had no sooner disappeared than the major rose to his haunches without the slightest difficulty, and gave visible proof that his tongue was restored to its original usefulness.
"Truly, I am under an obligation to you, sir," said he, addressing himself to the critic; "for you have rendered me a service I much needed. I was only stunned, and knew that a little sleep would restore me to my natural understanding. But my tongue had lost its power, and I could not sleep with so many about my bed. The nonsense I muttered was for a disguise; for I feared if I came suddenly to my senses they would dry up their sympathies, and not think so well of me. But pray, how comes it, sir, that you made such good Latin of my gibberish? Tell me, kind sir, for I see you are a scholar, and it may be that Latin is a natural gift with me; and when you are done I will order up a little brandy, which we will divide between us; for I apprehend it will not embarra.s.s you, since you are a man in whose eye I see wisdom enough for several."
"To be honest with you, friend, I will not reject the brandy, for I took a liking to it when I was a strolling player, and believe it does me no harm in my new profession. He here, at the major"s request, rang the bell for a waiter. "As to what you said, to tell the truth between ourselves, not a word of it could I make out; for though I can speak many languages, my head is not troubled with a word of Latin, which, I have no doubt, you spoke with great correctness. I would have you know, sir, that it will not do in these pinching times to set up for a critic, unless you have Latin at your finger"s ends. And if you have it not, why it serves the same purpose to say you have. With Latin you can enter the Press Club, (which affords you an excellent opportunity of escaping the bills of your tailor,) and if you practice the deception with skill, you will be set down for a man of wonderful capacity. But if you knew what a miserable thing it is to be a critic, you would, I knew, say a man had better follow the devil with a fife and drum than depend on the tricks of booksellers for his bread, which is come the fashion with critics at this day."
"Upon my soul, Mr. Tickler," replied the major, rising to his feet, as sound a man as ever was seen, "I reverence you for your good sense. The truth is, I hold it none the worse of a man that he have not his mouth full of Latin every minute in the day. And as my wife Polly knows, I have languages enough at my tongue"s end; but hold it better of a man that he try to get perfect in his own."
"Let us to the priests with the languages," rejoined Mr. Tickler, knowingly; "and let us get to the brandy for here comes the servant." And the servant entered with a bow.
CHAPTER x.x.xVII.
IN WHICH WILL BE FOUND SEVERAL THINGS COMMON TO MILITARY POLITICIANS; ALSO, A CURIOUS HISTORY OF THE CRITICS, AS RELATED BY MR. TICKLER.