"Madam, upon my honor I am no flatterer, but being a military man, gallantry demands of me some acknowledgement of this compliment you have paid me, and which it would be my life"s happiest event to make, were it not that your beauty so embarra.s.ses me. Indeed, madam, I have, while in Mexico, led various forlorn hopes, charged the enemy"s lines, and looked a shower of bullets in the teeth without winking; and all these dangers I would repeat a dozen times rather than face the fire of your beauty, to which every hero, however great, must surrender himself a captive."
"What you say of my beauty, I might say of your valor, than which there is to woman no stronger object of admiration. To pay homage to valor is womanly on the part of our s.e.x. And never in my life have I felt, though I have seen some brave men, that I was paying homage to greatness with so much honor to myself. I have read in the newspapers that our nation, like a sinking ship, was by you saved from inevitable fate-"
"Indeed, madam, I leave it to others to say what I have done for the nation. But you will not find me wanting when called upon; and, as I have always said, give me but a chance, and they shall have enough of my greatness!"
"Truly, sir," rejoined Flora, "I hold it fortunate that the nation should have found so honest a man. But as government is something our s.e.x take no part in, perhaps you can tell me if there be any truth in the report, that politicians have no higher aims in these days than plundering the government; and that patriotism being a thing quite unknown, the great object with our congressmen is how they can best put money in their pockets, in the pursuit of which they are so insatiable as to sell their manliness in exchange for it?"
"Since you have set me down for an honest man, madam, which is no small compliment, I will say that my wife, Polly Potter, who is something of a politician, and as true a wife as needs be, always says of me, that my honesty will be my fortune. And as she has a queer way of expressing herself, she has many times said to me, "Roger, when them politicians get to strippin" the nation to her very skin, do thou be the man to come forward and hold down the ap.r.o.n, and keep her shame from being altogether exposed." And this I have pledged her I would do, and may heaven protect her. As for stripping the nation to the skin, or even taking away her clothes, that, though I am neither prophet nor editor, they shall never do while Major Potter has an arm and a tongue."
Flora blushed, and for some minutes held her peace, as well she might. And as he had gorged himself to that degree that serious consequences were apprehended, and was somewhat disturbed at the questions Flora would put at the moment when his mouth was most full, and which true politeness command that he reply to, the silence which prevailed afforded him an excellent opportunity for despatching his meal in peace. Nat Bradshaw, whose countenance wore a sinister smile, added to the joke by constantly filling the major"s gla.s.s and pledging him in a toast.
When the major had finished his supper, Flora, whose nature was of such a turn that she could not give much rest to her mischief, entreated him that he relate for their entertainment some of the wonderful exploits of which he was the hero during the Mexican War.
"Your grace and beauty, madam, and I am no flatterer, demands that I comply with your request, though it is against the rules of the profession, which set forth that the deeds of all great military men are the property of the nation," replied the major. But as his vanity was stronger than his respect for the rules of the service, he at once commenced and went on to relate some of the most wonderful exploits ever achieved by mortal valor, all of which he described as having taken place during the war with Mexico, though I venture to a.s.sert that they have never been recorded in any published history of that war. Nor will it be necessary to add, that he made himself the hero of every one of them. Indeed, if there was a forlorn hope he had not led, or a plan of attack that had not been suggested by him long before it was executed, they were not worthy of mention in this history. And he would interpolate by saying: "All these things I relate no man will deny, but as history takes care of my General Scott, so such as me, who have braved the brunt of it, must see to ourselves." And these marvelous adventures the major would have gone on relating until the hour of morning, when sparrows rise, had not he of the tall figure put an end to Flora"s mischief, by remarking, that as the wind was freshening, and the squadron had tacked ship, it was necessary they return and report what had taken place to the commodore, who would no doubt receive it as great good news. "And now, sir," said he, taking the major by the hand, "this meeting will long live in my memory; and since I see you need rest from your labors, the night, too, being far advanced, we will return and report, for I see the fleet is put on the other tack, and our commodore is strict in the enforcement of his orders. But if it meet your pleasure, the squadron will to-morrow at ten o"clock form port and starboard lines, fire a salute, and proceed in escort. This done, the commodore will come on board and pay the respect due to your distinguished position." The major replied, that the honor, so unexpected, and in truth so unmerited, he could not but confess would be most gratifying to him; he would therefore prepare himself for the occasion, hoping they would excuse any little deficiency, for barring now and then he was not clever at an impromptu speech.
The party now took leave of him for the night, and having handsomely rewarded Dame Snider for the trouble they had given her, set sail on board the Saucy Kate, her white sails flashing in the moonbeams as she made for the fleet, and the music of Flora"s voice floating sweetly over the sea.
CHAPTER XXV.
WHICH RELATES HOW THE MAJOR WAS RECEIVED BY THE COMMODORE OF THE YACHT SQUADRON, AND SUNDRY OTHER QUEER THINGS, WITHOUT WHICH THIS HISTORY WOULD NOT SUSTAIN ITS CHARACTER FOR TRUTH.
UNGRATEFUL indeed would it be in me, the writer of this history, the companion in arms, and admirer of all that is great and good in the major as a military politician, did I fail to record, in honor of his gallantry, of which none could be more scrupulous, that he offered his arm and escorted Flora safe on board the Saucy Kate, apologizing for the worn condition of his raiment, and regretting exceedingly that he was not habited in his uniform. And although flushed with the importance of what had taken place, the major was haunted with a misgiving as to what ladies of such quality would think of his traveling in so humble a manner. But he bethought himself, that neither scepters, nor miters, nor grand equipages, make the man-in fine, that a man may ride an a.s.s without saddle or bridle and find a good home in heaven, when the doors would be shut against bishops who roll about in liveries devised by the devil, which is his occupation. And this brought him such infinite relief, that he hastened to his faithful old Battle, and having bestowed upon him sundry caresses, told him he ought to be thankful he had so fortunate a master. He also paid a visit to his pig, who was sleeping soundly in his cage of slats. "Now, then," said the major to himself, as he looked in upon the animal with an air of great self-satisfaction, "in the possession of this gifted creature I have a staunch reliance. And should fortune again send me strolling upon the world, as it has done many a popular politician, I will so develop this fellow"s gifts that they shall be worth a bank in Wall Street. In truth, he is as well bred as most of our politicians; and as to his honesty, I will pit him against any of them." As Duncan did not manifest the slightest regard for these kindly tokens, the major went quietly into the cabin, and there occupied himself for more than an hour furbishing up a sword of uncommon size, and a three cornered hat the moths had reduced to dilapidation, though he charged it all to the bullets of the Mexicans. And when they were polished to his entire satisfaction, and he had twice or thrice thanked G.o.d that it was not the failing of politicians to turn parsons, as it was with parsons to turn politicians, he lay down upon the locker and soon was in a sound sleep, in which he dreamed of a thousand or more things that were to take place in honor of him on the following day.
The Saucy Kate was not long in gaining the commodore"s yacht, a rakish looking schooner of some two hundred tons, whose lofty spars and middle staysail were seen overtopping the sails of her lesser companions, like a giant among dwarfs. And although it was past midnight when Frank Story entered her cabin, he found it filled with members of the club, who, at the invitation of the commodore, had left their several yachts, and were making night jubilant over a table spread with choice wines, of which there was no stint. There were also ma.s.sive punch bowls, of chased silver, standing here and there along the table, and filled with delicious punch, which those who preferred drank from goblets of silver and gold. Commodore Skim- merhorn, who sat at the head of the table, was a man of rotund figure, had a bright, ruddy face, and was frank and easy in his bearing. When he of the tall figure entered they were discussing a question of Greek criticism, some of the members of the club being men of much taste and learning. But this they suspended in order to hear his report of the strange sloop. And this he commenced to relate, describing with so much quaint humor the wonderful major he had found on board, that they were all surprised and astonished. In truth, not a few proposed going immediately to pay their respects to him, and learn to what manner of mankind he belonged. But if they were surprised with the description, they marveled when told that this major was no less a person than he whom the New York politicians intended to make such an ado over. However, as the New York politicians were most known for their folly, and making a hero now and then was with them a means of getting bread, it was not so surprising that they chose for a candidate one who would pa.s.s readily for a fool.
The speaker added, that with all the vanity of the man, (and in conceits he could not be surpa.s.sed even by the erudite Dr. Easley, who contemplated himself the most learned scholar and critic,) he sometimes spoke such sense as to make the listener mistake him for a wise man. He next afforded them much diversion by relating what pa.s.sed when he informed the major how the squadron had come in search of him, and were delighted at being first to do him honor.
Every one present entered immediately into the joke they resolved to carry out on the following day, which was arranged with great deliberation, lest any part of it should fail of being properly executed.
And now that Aurora had taken down her shutters, and was filling the eastern sky with pale, misty light, that threw an halo over the deep, dark foliage of the mountain heights, reflecting their shadows along the still, polished waters, so lovely was the morning, so like a picture of repose each object, and the whole so invested with a mysterious stillness, that one might have mistaken it for a fairy scene. The yacht squadron was ranging alongside of the "Two Marys,"
forming a port and starboard line, with the Commodore off the weather bow. As the sun peeped out from the watery horizon, two guns were discharged from the Commodore"s yacht, and so loud was the report that the major suddenly stopped his snoring, and springing to his feet in a state of great confusion, began to call out at the top of his voice that the sloop was sinking. But he as suddenly regained his senses, and called to mind the honors that were to be paid him, he felt great alarm lest he had overslept himself, and besought Captain Luke Snider, who turned out of his berth at the same moment, to run upon deck and say he was not quite ready to receive them. But as Captain Luke took no heed of his request, and thought only of getting into port, the major, in his great anxiety, ran himself upon deck in his shirt, and cut so sorry a figure that no man would have envied him. All was as still and lonely as the Lybian coast-not a wail came over the sea. Now only the dull stillness was broken by some forlorn robin whistling his song along the sh.o.r.e.
The major, satisfied that the cannon were fired only to welcome the rising sun, and not in honor of him, returned to the cabin, where he got into his breeches and boots. He then drew from under a pile of rubbish in one of the berths, a pair of holsters, he declared were presented to him by General Jefferson Davis, for gallant deeds done during the Mexican War, though no sensible man would have given a dime for them. With these, and his saddle and bridle, he again repaired upon deck, where, after no little exertion, he got old Battle upon his feet.
"It seems, my faithful horse, as if heaven lent thee to me for a mighty purpose," said the major, addressing his horse, who gave himself a hearty shake, and stretched his head and neck to their utmost extent. And after he had said many other encouraging things to his horse, he gave him such an excellent rubbing down that, had it not been for the immense size of his legs, which now appeared quite as short as the major"s, no one would have taken him for the same animal. This done, he bridled and saddled him; and with the holsters secured (though they were without pistols,) he was in the major"s eye, as war-like a horse as could be desired.
The morning advanced, and breakfast was scarcely over, when a breeze sprung up, which, giving the squadron a leading wind, they began to trim their sails. A port gun was then fired from the commodore"s yacht, which was followed by their colors being run up, and floating gayly in the wind. A boat now put off, and being rowed by four men, with an officer in the stern sheets, soon reached the "Two Marys."
The officer came on board, and with great courtesy of manner, inquired for Major Roger Potter, who now came forward dressed in the most wonderful uniform ever worn by military politician, inasmuch as there were two patches on his seat of honor, and his coat, which could boast of but one epaulette, had lost a portion of the tails.
"He whom you seek, honored sir," replied the major, making a low bow, "stands before you. And as I see you are an officer, here"s my hand, for it does me good to meet a brave man."
The officer who was slender of figure, and had a youthful appearance, now delivered a letter from the commodore, saying that he was delighted to have met one who had so distinguished himself in the country"s service, and that he held it an honor of no small importance that he had been selected to perform this mission. And when he had taken his departure, which he did without further ceremony, the major approached me, and opening the letter, asked me to read it, as he was none of the quickest at reading writing, which, indeed, was a failing with all great men. I took the letter from his hands, and read as follows: "On board Yacht --, June 14th, Throg"s Point bearing W.N.W. 12 miles distance.
"The Commodore of the Yacht Squadron presents his compliments to his honor, Major Potter, and begs to say that on becoming aware of the great reception to be given him in New York, and that it was solely in consideration of the great services rendered his country, in war as well as peace, the members of this club, desirous of enhancing the grandeur of that reception, pa.s.sed a resolution declaring it their unanimous will to proceed without delay to meet you, offer you their congratulations, and escort you to the city. And as the duty of presenting you their congratulations devolves upon me, I have in accordance with the usages now common among all public speakers, transmitted a copy of the remarks I intend to make, to the end that you may be released from all embarra.s.sment.
"With great consideration, &c., &c.,
"VAN STIVER SKIMMERHORN, "Commodore Commanding, &c., &c."
"To the Hon. Major Roger Potter, On board the sloop "Two Marys.""
On hearing this read, the major"s head seemed to fill with various suspicions, for his hands again went into his inevitable pockets, and he gave his shoulders a shrug expressive of his thoughts. But his suspicions never stuck to him long, and he soon found comfort in the fact that there was the commodore"s full name attached to it. He then set to teasing his beard, and giving himself to his thoughts.
"Pray, young man," said he, "say nothing of my trade in tin, for I see these are men of quality, and, having heard of me only through the newspapers, know but little of my true history. But, let my enemies say what they will, I am not a man to stand at trifles.
Honors never puzzle me: it"s the thickness of them. I say, though, that when fame puts a man on the pedestal he must never think of falling to the ground, for that would be a fear unworthy my profession." He now read and reread the commodore"s letter, and at length said, that though he had written speeches for and given grammar lessons to New York members of Congress, the composing a suitable reply on such an occasion as this alarmed him not a little.
In truth, such little things belonged entirely to polite society, and required a grace and diction rarely attained by politicians.
Indeed, he regretted much that he was not where he could obtain the services of one of those New York critics, who, being the sons and grandsons of poor bishops, write learned book notices by the yard, and get up addresses for distinguished actresses, who deliver them on occasions of receiving bracelets and necklaces from their admiring friends. "Remember, young man," he resumed, "that the path of honor is open to you as well as me. I say this, because it has just struck me, that we can best fulfill our obligations to one another, by your writing the speeches and me delivering them. Heaven forbid that I should want to wrong you; but we must take up the fruit as it falls. Now surely you will write me a neat reply to this fellow-say much about what I have sacrificed, making it, at the same time, so easy that they shall not have a suspicion of the authorship. And above all, endeavor to make me speak like a sensible gentleman."
Having taken great pains to aid the major in all his exploits, I was more than anxious that he should deport himself properly on this occasion, and hence readily consented to accept the task of preparing his reply, selecting for the service all the choice words I could find in an old speech of Thomas Benton"s, delivered by him many years ago, in reply to an address in compliment of his thirty years" services in the United States Senate, and presented by a committee of the Young Men"s Missionary Society for distributing bibles to indigent authors. It must here be said of these young gentlemen, that they had no masked motive in thus complimenting the venerable senator, which they did simply from hearing that his compa.s.sions had taken a new turn.
I soon arranged the method of my important task, and was teaching the major how to deliver the speech, when a barge was seen along side of the commodore"s yacht. Then a salute of seven guns announced the embarkation, and when the smoke rolled away, the barge, rowed by eight st.u.r.dy fellows, was seen skimming over the sea, and making for the Two Marys with all speed. "Upon my soul they are coming, and a merry party they are," said the major, settling himself in his strange uniform. The barge pulled alongside, as the portly figure of the commodore, his chapeau raised, stood up in the stern for a moment, and then mounting over the rail was on the deck of the Two Marys in a trice. The major now came forward with an air of pomp and circ.u.mstance it would not be easy for the reader to paint in his imagination, unless indeed he had seen General Webb on his way to a tea party. The commodore now elongated his body and bowed, and the major elongated his body and bowed; after which they approached one another as men so distinguished ought to do, when he of the tall figure, who accompanied the commodore, came forward, and with great deference of manner did the honors of the introduction. And when they had exchanged civilities and bows to their satisfaction, the commodore spoke as follows: "Since, sir, the high honor of presenting you with the congratulations of our club devolves upon me, I may here be permitted to say, that no event of my whole life has afforded me so much pleasure. In presenting, then, their hearty congratulations, welcoming you at the same time to our great metropolis and its hospitalities, I cannot too highly express my sense of the many services you have rendered the country, which owes you a higher reward than this club can bestow. In addressing the great and the good-the hero who has fought his country"s battles, and the statesman who has carried her safely through impending dangers, our emotions too frequently carry away our power to render due homage. Let me beg you, then, to make every allowance for this feeble manifestation of our high regard. Your fame as a statesman and patriot, as a soldier and a gentleman, is well known and appreciated among us. You have, whenever your country required, lent it the strength of your arm and the influence of your high position; and we seek to pay you homage, because we know, that should she need it again, you would not be found wanting. Nor do we forget your high personal worth, for we have read how well and worthily you have acted the part of a philanthropist, in raising up suffering humanity and redressing the outraged. As an humble expression of our esteem, we beg you then to accept the services of the squadron under my command, in escorting you to the city, where your many political admirers are prepared to receive you with such honors as greatness never fails to command." The speaker concluded, maintaining his gravity of countenance. But the major bowed and was not a little confused, while several of those who stood by, cried out "bravo!"
and were much diverted.
"Truly, Mr. Commodore," replied the major, whose head was so thin that he had let every word of the speech I prepared for him get out of it, "as a principle, you may set it down that the weight of an honor is best felt by the man who has deserved it. In accepting the flattering tribute of respect you offer me, let me say, that although I am no scurvy politician, and have opinions enough of my own, I intend to let history take care of my acts, for the verdict of the nation, which is an exacting tribunal, is rendered in my favor, and if the devil and my enemies only mind their business, there will be no need to meddle with it, as I have heard it said of other men. And now that I am more a man of acts than words, as no doubt you have read, let me say that I accept this great honor, the sincerity of which is evident in the earnestness with which you offer it, with as many thanks as a man can, hoping that your great metropolis may grow greater and be all you expect of it; and like a chaste and virtuous woman, do you see to her, that she be not exposed to the designs of demagogues, and that her virtues creep along with her fair fame." The major delivered these remarks with so much ease and fluency, that the listeners stood in silence, and began to think the man they had had described to them for a fool, was in truth an eccentric politician, who was using this mode of discourse only as a means of deception. But when he invited them to examine his horse and pig, which he did while giving the most wonderful description of their varied good qualities, and the many services they had rendered him, the color of his brain at once discovered itself.
One after another, the party, having exchanged congratulations, engaged the major in conversation, and found that he had ready answers for all their questions, though many of them were far off the mark, ill.u.s.trating the fact, that his mind had been much given to the affairs of the nation, of which he had the most confused ideas. In order to afford the visitors some diversion, he also uncaged his pig, and made him perform a series of antics truly wonderful, and with which they not only expressed themselves highly satisfied, but deeply interested.
The major now visited the commodore"s yacht, and was received with a salute of thirteen guns, which he felt in his heart were solely in compliment to his humble worth. A party of richly dressed ladies were on board the yacht, and received the major with so much deference, that he felt sure not even the slightest mark of respect had been omitted. In fine, the ladies all gathered about him, and were so eager to emulate one another in showing him respect and conciliating his favor, that even Flora, who declared herself his first admirer, could with difficulty get an opportunity to present him her souvenir in the shape of a wine cup bearing her name. "Ah!
sir," said Flora, reproachfully, "last night you condescended to smile upon me, and I took your smiles for serious intentions.
Indeed, I say it in honest truth, that your winning manners had much affected me, though my heart is not of the melting sort. But now, sir, I see you are an arrant coquette, and no exception to the rest of your profession." Another damsel of comely features had set upon the major, and was exciting his vanity to no small extent, when Flora interrupted with the above remarks, preserving a most impatient countenance as she did so.
"As I live, fair maiden, I have no wrong intentions, for my wife, Polly Potter, is not yet dead; nor is it right of a soldier to trifle with the weaknesses of woman. Being a soldier and no flatterer, I will say this, that your beauty has made me your va.s.sal, and had I a dozen hearts, ten at least would be yours."
When they had frolicked with him to their hearts" content, they escorted him into the cabin, where a sumptuous collation was prepared, and to which he, after considerable ceremony, sat down and ate enough to have satisfied three critics for at least a week. They then plied him with punches and other strong drinks, which were so mixed as to seriously affect his brain, for it began to reel up his vision, and he broke forth in the most spasmodic strains, addressing those present, whom he declared a political a.s.semblage, on the state of the nation. In my determination never to swerve from the truth in this history, I am compelled here to record, that the Yacht Club found they had paid dearly for their joke, inasmuch as the major, adopting the conduct most in fashion among the politicians of Tammany Hall, did, during one of his strongest oratorical displays, suddenly spring upon the table, demolishing much valuable gla.s.s, and making wreck of everything in the vicinity, which, as a popular politician, he swore he had a right to do. The state of confusion being now complete, the ladies ran screaming up on deck, and it was with great difficulty the major could be restrained from behaving himself like a madman. At length, from raving about the state of the nation, he relapsed into a state of stupor, in which he became so insensible that they were all alarmed lest death step in and put an untimely end to his existence. In truth, so much did they fear the result of their joke, that they would have sent for a parson and begged him to pray kindly for the poor man, but that he opened his eyes, and gave out such other signs of returning consciousness as a.s.sured them that the only danger now to be feared was that he would soil certain portions of his raiment, which, were it to get out, (and there were always malicious persons ready to speak ill of a politician so famous,) it would do him irreparable damage.
And now, having transcended the limits of my chapter, I must beg the impatient reader, if he love a joke, and have no scruples about its nakedness, to turn to the next, where he will find a result to his satisfaction.
CHAPTER XXVI.
WHICH RELATES HOW THE MAJOR WAS RESTORED TO PERFECT HEALTH; AND ALSO AN AUTHENTIC DESCRIPTION OF WHAT TOOK PLACE ON HIS ARRIVAL IN NEW YORK.
IF, reader, you be an honest man, and in any way acquainted with the pranks of politicians in these our times, you will not pour forth a lamentation over what I have written; for I take it you will see that I have broken the filthy clods only, to get at the real truth.
But if you be a politician, thief, or housebreaker-in fine, if you belong to any of these twin professions, the members of which find it convenient to extinguish the light of their own history, and take no delight in truths which concern themselves, then I may expect to be visited with your eternal enmity. Sweeten, then, your breath; and if you would send me to that place I have firmly resolved never to go to, pray call to your aid such papers as the New York Tribune and Evangelist, for they are both clever at sending all who differ from them to the devil, without even the aid of clergy. And as those sent to the devil by this medium have only the Editor of the Herald for mourner, just imagine that gentleman in tears, and chide me no more, for I must see to the major.