"Pray, sir, reserve your anger, for you have not had time to fully comprehend his many good qualities," replied the major, not a little grieved at the landlord"s remarks.
He next visited his pig, who rose quickly to his feet, and commenced making signs of friendship to his master. "This pig, I a.s.sure you, sir," said the major, "was brought up in the care of the clergy, was the lead pig of one Felix Shulbert, a poor parson, who on losing his church took to the business of swine driving." The landlord was much amused at the simplicity with which the major related the history of this wonderful pig, who now came jumping out of his cage, to the great delight of numerous bystanders, and cut up so many queer pranks that they were ready to swear him possessed of the devil. He would run to the major on hearing his name called; he would turn somersets; he would walk on his hinder feet; he would point with his nose to any letter of the alphabet he was commanded; and, no doubt, with a little more training, he could have delved the mysteries of destiny with a facility that neither medium nor clairvoyant could have excelled. If, then, the lookers on were at first delighted, they now stood amazed, and declared that so sensible an animal had never before been brought to the city. "I have been told, sir," said the major with an air of self-satisfaction, "that you have in your city one Barnum, a man of much note, who is reputed to have become rich of dealing in deformed monstrosities, and though an honest man enough as the world goes, has had a strange history written of himself. And this history, I am told, has been much praised by the critics, though truly it is nothing but a tissue of certain deceptions practiced upon a credulous public-"
"You are right, there," interrupted the landlord; "he has made fools of so many of his fellows, that his imitators regard his tricks as so many virtues, which the public are ready to applaud. But as your pig is truly a wonder, you will do well to get him in the hands of this clever gentleman, for then his fame will be blown trumpet tongued over the land, people will rush to see him, and the critics, being well paid, will write all sorts of things of his talents. You may then let the devil take the rest, which is the way the world goes."
And while they were thus conversing, this clever man stalked in, much to the surprise of every one present, though it was said of him, that he could smell a monstrosity at the distance of a hundred miles. After fixing his scrutinizing eye upon the animal, and witnessing several of his tricks, which he performed with great agility, he commenced casting reflections upon his performances, saying he had talent enough, but it was of so crude a kind, that he would require no end of practice before it would do to bring him before a discriminating audience. As for the critics, it was no hard matter to keep them right; but it might give rise to a question at the Press Club, that would seriously endanger its harmony. He, however, began to inquire what the major thought about terms. To use a vulgarism very common at this day, he began to "pump him," in regard to the value of the animal"s services. And here I must leave him for the present.
CHAPTER x.x.x.
WHICH TREATS OF HOW THE MAJOR RECEIVED THE CALLS OF DISTINGUISHED PERSONS, AND HOW HE DISCOVERED THE OBJECT OF HIS MISSION.
THE landlord enjoined the major, when they returned to the hotel, not to think so much of his horse, for he could not render much service to a military man. As for the pig, he could be depended upon as a source of revenue in case of need, which quite satisfied him on the matter of his bill.
The major spent the rest of the morning in receiving calls, for divers distinguished persons had read his speech in the newspapers, and were eager to pay homage to one of such rare gifts. Among them were prominent members of the Chamber of Commerce, who intimated that he might condescend to make them a speech from the Exchange steps, on the affairs of the nation; members of the Board of Brokers; citizens distinguished for their bountiful charities; members of the Union Club, who suggested that they would propose him for a member; members of the New York Club, who knew he would like to become a member of their body, which consisted of distinguished persons only, and kept the best imported wines and cigars. A person of lean visage, who const.i.tuted himself a delegate from the Century Club, begged to inform the major that the club was composed of poor but very respectable literary persons, who eschewed liquors and cigars, and were about introducing a by-law for the admission of ladies, which it was hoped would prove a regulator to the good conduct of all aspiring youths. The club, he knew, would be most happy to make him a member. A delegation from the Knickerbocker represented their club as the most cosy place imaginable; as for the members, they had so strong a turn for literature, that they had elected a grocer for president, and an actor for secretary. A visit from him would indeed be held as a high honor; and as it was strictly forbidden that any member discover inebriation before ten o"clock, he could not fail of spending a cheerful hour with them.
Each brought some such powerful argument to sustain their comparative claims to his favorable consideration. He also received invitations to visit various factories, and become a member of certain charitable societies for the taking care of widows and orphans, and poor authors with large families. In truth, one might have thought they imagined him a man capable of conquering the world with thirty thousand troops, such was the plentiful pile of invitations spread over his table. Even Hall wrote to say faro was played on the square at his establishment, which was visited by none but gentlemen of fashion and circ.u.mstance. Mrs. Wise, too, intimated in one of the most delicately perfumed billets, that her soirees were the most select in the city, and if so distinguished a major would honor her with a call, she would guarantee the rest.
The major had much to say to all who visited him; and though they listened with particular attention, there was something so strange about him, that, notwithstanding they would, in the coolness of their judgment, have set him down for an insane man, they could not reconcile such a condition of mind with the masterly speech in the morning papers. They were also much disappointed at his appearance, for he resembled more a corsair, or a pirate, than a great politician. And as his coat was threadbare, and his hair short cropped, many thought him a man who could better maintain his dignity at a distance, though heaven might send him fortune and earth give him bounties. But as neither the man of commerce nor the man of letters were capable of fully appreciating a military genius, who found his reward in buffets and hardships, and frequently wore the tattered garments in which he had gained his laurels, it was not to be expected that his preeminence would be recognized at first sight by any but his companions in arms. Hence he found inexpressible pleasure in the calls of several persons, who, though they had never smelled the perfumery of war, took great delight in the appellation of generals. One of these was as great a general as New York was capable of producing, and set much value upon his valor, though the only columns he was known to have led to battle, were those of a ponderous newspaper, in which was carefully preserved all the spice and essence of a wonderful warrior. He could write destructive three column articles with perfect ease, gave extensive tea parties to very respectable ladies, had an opinion ready on all great questions, could get up his choler or his pistol at the shortest notice, could lay his magnificent pistol away as quietly as any other man when the occasion for it was over; and he could, if the nation would only spare him, govern the world with the same refreshing coolness that he could sip chocolate at Lord Twaddlepole"s table, which was a high honor with him. If, I say, this good man and excellent general had a weakness, it was for exhibiting his nakedness with all the embroidery, and for letting mankind in general know that he had joined the church, which latter was well enough, seeing that it atoned for numerous bygone backslidings. And as he stood in his boots, nearly two feet taller than the major, it was curious to witness the elongation of the little, rotund figure that stood bowing before him. "I see, sir,"
spoke the general, whose name was Toadytrip, "that you are a soldier, and belong to the n.o.ble profession, in which I flatter myself I have obtained distinction, though it has fallen short of my expectations."
The major received the general with becoming courtesy, and after expressing his gratification at meeting so famous a companion in arms, inquired as to the wars he had fought in, and what number of scars he had received.
Toadytrip fussed himself into a state of very general self sufficiency, and was at first not a little embarra.s.sed; but at length he replied, that though he had never been in battle, he was ready to serve him with meal or metal in any of his undertakings.
They now shook hands, and strengthened their friendship over a little brandy, for the general was an advocate of temperance only when it applied to others.
"You must know, sir," said the major, "that I am no scurvy fellow, but a man who has stood the devil knows how much buffeting in politics. I have made eight and twenty speeches, sir, in a month; and it was said of me that no man could better them. And if you would know more of my doings, please refer to my companions in the Mexican War."
"Your fame makes that unnecessary. To-morrow I give a tea party, and among the rest of my guests I expect a bishop and a n.o.bleman, who is traveling over the country. They are both honest men, and as jolly fellows as can be found in the land. Honor us with your company, sir, and I warrant you entertainment of no common kind; for there will not be one of the lower order among my guests, and the high promotion you have obtained must, I am sure, be the result of many battles, which my friends will be delighted to hear an account of."
The major was delighted with the compliment, but, as will hereafter be shown, was not in a condition to honor the general"s tea party with his presence. And the general, having expressed his gratification at this meeting, took his departure, with many bows and a.s.surances of friendship. When he was gone, there came several equally great generals and colonels, though editors of smaller newspapers; several of these promised him the support of their columns in any great undertaking he might embark in. This was especially so with the editors of the Celt, and the Irish Citizen, both of which gentlemen only asked that he would give them a pledge not to form an alliance with the English. In addition to this, they discovered a strong inclination for what was in the bottle, of which the major gave them to drink, and sent them home happy.
It being now two o"clock, the major ordered a black bombazine frock coat from Wyman"s, and the committee of reception having arrived with a carriage, he immediately entered it, and was rolled away for the City Hall, where he was received with much pomp and ceremony by Don Fernando, who embraced the opportunity to make a speech, such as, he fancied, Demosthenes never excelled. And the major replied with his customary rhodomontade. Both considered the event an extraordinary one, auguring greater things to themselves. It must, in truth, be said of Don Fernando, that he could receive guests with a courtliness truly wonderful. I have not, however, thought it necessary to record his speech here, inasmuch as it bore a strong resemblance to such as may daily be found in the morning papers.
When they had sufficiently exchanged compliments, Don Fernando took great pains to show the major several objects of greatest interest in the Hall, among which was his corpulent chief of police, and a little man of the name of Sampson Queerquirk, who was his lawyer and factotum. He then took him by the arm, and they sallied out into a great hall, the walls of which were hung with portraits of mayors and other great men. Indeed it seemed as if it were a malady with mayors to admire their own portraits. The small modic.u.m of vanity which slumbered in Don Fernando"s bosom quickly took fire, and deeming it the height of discretion not to overlook any thing that might be of deep interest to so great a visitor, he pleasantly added, that a portrait of himself would soon enhance the splendors of the gallery.
And in order to give more perfection to the reception, and to make it in every way worthy of so great a politician, he had his troop of worthy policemen drawn up in front of the City Hall, where they performed a series of marches and counter-marches with such wonderful precision, that Don Fernando offered to wager a thousand acres of land in California that a more orderly body of men was not to be found. The major expressed himself delighted with what he saw of them. "Indeed, sir," said he, "I am pleased to see that they carry their clubs like men accustomed to a mighty master. And let malicious scribblers say what they will of them, I make no doubt they will either keep or break the peace at your bidding." At this Don Fernando blushed, but was cautious not to whisper a word about their agility for smashing skulls, and sleeping at street corners, which was truly wonderful.
The major returned thanks for the high honor paid him, and taking leave of Don Fernando, with many a.s.surances of esteem for his great administrative abilities, repaired to his carriage, and returned to the hotel, where he met with a misfortune, the quality of which will be related in the next chapter.
CHAPTER x.x.xI.
RELATING TO THE APPEARANCE OF AN UNEXPECTED CHARACTER, WHICH GRIEVOUSLY DISTURBED THE MAJOR"S EQUANIMITY.
As the major entered the great entrance to the St. Nicholas, a well dressed man of medium size advanced toward him, somewhat nervously, and fixing a quick, suspicious eye upon him, whispered in his ear something that caused him to turn pale. Indeed, he seemed confused and bewildered. Seeing that he had "private" business with the major, the honorable gentlemen of this reception committee, with becoming discretion, quietly took their departure. "If you please, sir," said the man, "there is a little matter of business-these are delicate matters; but you see, sir, (and I make it as delicate as my duty will admit,) I treat every one whose acquaintance I make in this way with indulgence, and more especially men of your standing."
Here the man timorously commenced drawing an ominous looking doc.u.ment from his coat pocket, but the major interrupted, by touching him on the arm, and saying, in a whisper, "As you are a man of discretion, pray deal with me like a gentleman, and just come up stairs; for I would have you be cautious how you let your business out."
The man touched his hat, and followed at a respectful distance, and soon both disappeared into the major"s parlor.
"Don"t allow yourself to have any fears, sir; for I pledge you no one will know my business. I may say, for I see you are nervous, that I pay so many little attentions here, and to politicians, though not so great as yourself, that most folks fancy me a guest of the house." The man smiled, and was in no way displeased when he saw the major feeling for a bottle with something in it. After finding one, he held it before his eye:
"And now, sir," said he, "hoping to find you the gentleman I take you for, when you have quaffed a drop of this, which will no doubt do you good, pray tell me what the matter is, and who it is that seeks to take advantage of me?"
"Astor House," replied the man, dryly. "The proprietors are as good, generous fellows as can be found; but they have a way of wanting their own. They direct me to treat you as becomes a gentleman. And now, sir, my name is Tom Flanders; and if you will say how you propose to settle this little affair?"
The major tossed and scratched his head, hitched up his breeches, and seemed to have rolled his thoughts into a state of deep study, in which he remained until the visitor"s patience was well nigh worn out.
"My time, if you please to consider it," replied the man, "is money!" Here he read the writ, and the affidavit affixed thereto.
"Upon my soul," the major replied, drawing his chair nearer the man, and extending his hand, "we can settle this affair, and be the best of friends! It"s an old stick, but that does not matter; and you have said the truth of those gentlemen of the Astor, whose courtesy it was not right of me to forget, though they did me the honor, when a guest at their house, to say it might suit my position and economy better to take private board."
"It"s only one hundred and thirty-seven dollars and costs. The interest, they were good enough to say, should be thrown in, which is something," muttered the man.
There was Mr. Councilman Dinnis Finnigan, alias Greeley Hanniford, who had "done him out" of the money intended for this very bill.
Perhaps, thought the major, having come councilman, he will feel like making me an atonement, who knows? "Upon my reputation, sir, I have hit, (yes, I have,) I have hit on a way of settling this little matter between us!" said he, with an air of exultation. "There is one Councilman Finnigan, who not many years ago, (I say it in confidence,) and when he was an honest Quaker, and went by the name of Greeley Hanniford, did very unkindly do me out of all my money.
Only the other day I jogged his memory concerning this matter, and if he is come an honest man, he will consider my needs. And seeing that the city, in reward for his past deeds, has made him one of its happy fathers, I take it he has straightened his morals, and become a good christian."
The major here paused, and then inquired of the official if he would condescend to accompany him to the residence of Councilman Finnigan.
The officer, in return immediately declared his readiness to proceed with him; at the same time begged to remind him that the journey would be to no purpose; for though the city fathers were fond enough of the city pie, and always made out to keep their fingers in it, they took good care no one else got a sop of the sauce. As to expecting justice of Councilman Finnigan for a past wrong, it was as well to look for gold on Barren Island. They, however, proceeded together to the house of the councilman, and on finding him at home immediately communicated their business, to his great surprise. In truth, the high official immediately began to plead his poverty; and though he would not hear a word concerning the little affair of the pocket book, honestly confessed that he had more than once had it in contemplation to watch a good opportunity, and ask the favor of a small loan, which he stood much in need of to pay his score at the Pewter Mug.
I ought to mention that the councilman treated the victim of his early pranks with much consideration, and after discoursing some time upon the inconveniences of his attendant poverty, took down his whiskey, which he said was an indifferent drink to offer so great a politician, but the best his means would afford. And as it was a drink much in favor with Father Fogarty, who was a priest of great learning, and no renegade, as he had been called by the Herald and Tribune, he hoped he would excuse the rest.
He then explained to him how it was that the city fathers were proverbially poor. It was all, he said, owing to the parsimony of the old comptroller, who, when they felt inclined to be liberal to one another, set himself up for an inquisition. And after expressing his warmest sympathy for the major"s misfortunes, referred him to Alderman Dan Dooley, who was a great discounter of notes, and did a favor for a friend now and then, especially when there was a large return and no uncertainty. The major and his official friend repaired without delay to the alderman"s house. But that gentleman only had a thousand and one regrets to offer. Nor could Mr.
Councilman Blennerha.s.set, who represented his distresses as quite enough for any poor gentleman to manage, render him any material relief; though the truth of the matter was, that he was up for Congress, and required all his surplus to purchase votes. The major now began to discern the complexion of his friends, and set to work thanking heaven for the mercy of his deliverance from them. In short, he now felt like a christian captive kicked by an a.s.s; and as the official began to evince considerable uneasiness, and speak of the value of his time, the major declared his wits at fault. It however came suddenly into his head that he would straightway go to the Astor, and plead his case with the landlord, who being a man of sympathy, and a christian, would not hear his prayer in vain.
Indeed, he felt it a courtesy due from him, for he remembered how kindly the host took the disclosure of the misfortune that had made him a sufferer, which was proof of a man of tender heart. He now communicated his intention to the official, who begged him to remember how far his indulgence had already extended. "You see, sir," said he, "we hold it right to perform favors as bountifully as circ.u.mstances will permit; but unless we get something in return our children would go naked." The major now discovered the inclinations of the man, and enjoining him to be comforted, slipped a piece of gold into his hand. And this quickly proved that such medicine went to the right place, and was a sure panacea with officials for the ills of impatience. Indeed, so ready was the official to serve him, when this medicine had taken effect, that in addition to being purged of all his impatience, I verily believe he would have accompanied the major to the devil, (if his inclinations had taken a turn that way,) so great was his condescension and readiness to serve him.
They now proceeded to the Astor, where they found the landlord in his usual good humor, and so glad to see the major that, after shaking him heartily by the hand, he would fain enter his name upon the register as a guest at his house. "It is many years since we met, sir, and fortune, though it has given me no money, has done something for us both," said the major, when they had sufficiently exchanged compliments.
"Truly, I am glad to see you looking so well, major; as for the money, pray do what you can for us; for our house has been a place of comfort for military men and politicians. And I know you will take no offence when I say that "no money" is the cry with which they raise their voices to us."
"Upon my soul, sir," interrupted the major, swaying his shoulders, "it is not becoming of them to do so with a man of your generosity."