"You are exactly the gentleman I want," spoke the other; "and as to men and meat, I may mention, general, that I have numerous ships at my command, and provisions without stint! And there are at least ten thousand vagabonds, whom, heaven knows, the city would be well rid of; and these, being officered by well starved members of the legal profession, whose name is legion, can be got to do the fighting for the mere love they bear such amus.e.m.e.nt. Indeed, general, I am no prophet, or the appearance of such an army would soon frighten the king out of his kingdom, which would be a blessing, seeing that it would save so much blood. First disorganize the judiciary, then endeavor to spread dissension among the people, (which is a thing common enough with the ministers we send abroad,) and when these things are done the king can be easily overthrown, which will secure me the advantage I desire as well as a victory over my rivals."
"Faith, sir, I pledge my military reputation to do all these things; and if I fail it will be no fault of mine, for my arm is strong enough to meet the enemy at his own game. And as your speech betrays you a man of profound wisdom, I will tell you, for it will be of great advantage to our cause, that I am about to engage one Orlando Tickler, a critic of great learning, who speaks several tongues, and has no less than seven newspapers at his bidding. And what is more, he is much given to poetry, and can get up sonnets in praise of our victories. Think you not he can play an important part?"
"A person we much need," said Glanmoregain, patting the general on the shoulder; "and if he have seven newspapers at his bidding, why, if he but know how to use them in making victories of defeats, I will wager my life on the success of my enterprise. And if you can get that foreign mission you speak of, so much the better. Let it be to the King of the Kaloramas, and you can then use your privileges to get such a knowledge of the weaknesses of the court as will enable you to overthrow it with the greatest facility."
The preliminaries being arranged, the general promised to proceed strictly according to the advice of Glanmoregain, and to lose no time in proceeding to Washington to secure his appointment. He also promised to keep his own counsel; and to prove their good faith, they sat down to a bottle of old port, which, when they had finished, Glanmoregain took his departure, promising to call on the following day, and left the general to pack up his baggage, preparatory to taking his departure.
CHAPTER x.x.xIX.
IN WHICH GENERAL POTTER FINALLY SECURES THE SERVICES OF MR. TICKLER; AND, TOGETHER WITH PEKLEWORTH GLANMOREGAIN, THEY VISIT THE OPERA BEFORE SETTING OUT FOR WASHINGTON.
GLANMOREGAIN went home thinking within himself that the general was, mentally, not quite up to what he had expected to find him. However, as generals were not always to be judged either by their epistles or conversation, so the rotund figure, he thought, might prove himself a dabster in war as well as politics. Further, he did not so much want a general who would have his own way in every thing, (for then there was danger of his holding what he got, under the rules of war,) but rather one whom he could mould and direct according to his desires. In fine, the man, he thought, might reflect the follies of a fool, and in the quality of wars he intended to prosecute, be exactly the general he wanted. The general, on the other hand, commenced setting himself down as the most fortunate military man of his day. Indeed, all the pedantry of his extravagant nature was excited to a degree that made him already begin to contemplate himself the hero of endless victories. He also cast a stray thought to old Battle, and fancied himself mounted upon him at the head of a victorious army, returning proudly home after having demolished several kingdoms and built up as many republics. He also lost no time in writing a second letter to his wife Polly, in which he set forth, with much flourish, that he had been so elevated in the opinion of the nation, that now he was offered the command of an army; which he had accepted, and was about to invade the kingdom of a foreign prince. And this letter he sealed and dispatched with all possible speed, hoping in his heart that it might reach his wife Polly in advance of the other.
When this was done, Mr. Tickler entered, and, after pa.s.sing the usual compliments, proceeded, without further ceremony, to write a note to the landlord of the New York Hotel, returning thanks for his extreme generosity. But not a word was said about the three dollars.
Mr. Tickler declared it would not do to lisp a word concerning it, as such would be in direct violation of the rules of etiquette common at this day. Having despatched the note, the general set about relating what had taken place between himself and Glanmoregain, and expressing himself delighted at the opportunity of so soon displaying his prowess in war. "Faith!" exclaimed Mr.
Tickler, "every merchant will soon get him a general of his own. By the love of my mother! now it"s just struck me: perhaps I can get a small advance on the strength of my future services? for I am in arrears with my landlady, whose look of melancholy so admonishes me every time I enter the house, that I have for more than a week taken advantage of the back door." The general shrugged his shoulders, declared the will good enough to render the desired relief, but that the means were wanting. To be out-spoken, he hinted to Mr. Tickler that, in the event of joining his service, it must be upon the condition that he depend on the fortunes of war for his reward. As to the hostess, he declared that he had not a doubt of her being a very excellent lady, as hostesses ought to be. Still, he gave it as his opinion, that it were much better political economy to leave the poor woman"s house with a small bill unpaid, than eat himself into a large one. He further suggested that when the time came, he pack up and leave as quietly as possible, neither looking to the right nor the left, but getting out of the city by the most direct route; and when a respectful distance was reached, just to drop her a friendly line, saying he could not find it compatible with his conscience to longer eat her bread without paying for it, but as soon as fortune put the means in his way, he would lose no time in rubbing out the score.
"Love of my mother!" again e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.ed Tickler, "but your astetics are well enough. And I like the logic that closes the door on a small debt, rather than bury a friend with a big one. See that, now, master general!"
The preliminaries whereby the adroit critic was to follow the fortunes of his master, were now arranged, and the agreement signed.
Tickler was to be faithful and obedient to his master, rendering him such services as the change of events might demand, being content with rations and clothing until the fortunes of war turned up something better.
When night was come, Glanmoregain again made his appearance, having previously extended an invitation, to escort the general to the opera. And as Tickler was about to perform so important a part in his project, he could do no less than invite him also. Vain of the importance he imagined himself possessing in the eyes of the public, the general was with some difficulty restrained from mounting his uniform, which he held necessary, lest he be confounded with some ordinary individual without claim to popular favor. Having persuaded him to forego this unnecessary display, the three sallied out together, and soon arrived at what is curiously called the Academy of Music, a building which several friends of the writer of this history, and who are gentlemen of acknowledged taste, declare to be unexcelled for splendor and beauty of architecture, not even excepting the La Scala, St. Carlo, Covent Garden, or even the Tacon.
With all deference for the opinions of my accomplished friends, I must confess that the exterior of the building struck me as a huge, square ma.s.s of brick much disfigured with awkward looking windows and common place lintels. Indeed, it might easily have been mistaken for a charity hospital; and in the absence of a front, discovering the slightest architectural grandeur, bore no small resemblance to an absurdly constructed barracks.
Entering what in a church would be designated a vestibule, but which here served as a convenient place for loitering gentlemen who speculate in tickets, and the only visible furniture of which had been reformed down to a cheap chandelier, they pa.s.sed on through a narrow baize door, flanked on one side by an oily ticket taker, and on the other by a fashionably dressed and bearded gentleman, whom the manager, in his praiseworthy efforts to please a capricious public, seemed to have placed there for the ostensible purpose of staring in the faces of ladies, and so circ.u.mscribing the width of the pa.s.sage as to render it exceedingly difficult of ingress. They pa.s.sed on into the "dress circle," where the seats were peculiarly adapted for making the back ache, and soon found that they had got behind a huge column, (of which there were many similar ones,) where no human eye could get a glimpse of the stage, though the unfortunate visitor paid ten dollars for his seat. As to the interior of the house, it forcibly reminded me of an immense gypsum quarry, with rudely excavated galleries, forming such a jumble and confusion of lines, that it was in vain you looked for an architectural beauty. Indeed, I venture to a.s.sert, that such a huge conglomerate of plaster and cheap gilt never before decorated one edifice, and that dedicated to high art. And if the uncouth images, with limbs of giants and heads of ordinary females, which met the eye at every turn, were to be accepted in proof of the high standard of taste at which we had arrived, then surely plaster and gilt ought to form the motto. Figures of ugly females, in plaster, bore up the second tier; groups of nymphs, in plaster, stared at you from the circle borders; grim visaged figures, in plaster, looked tauntingly at you from the proscenium; a troop of impolite figures, in plaster, beset you in flank and rear, and haunted you at every turn, as plaster figures had evidently haunted the imagination of the architect. In fine, every deficiency seemed compensated with an image in plaster, or, what was worse, one of those fashionable society men who sit in dumb show, listening to the melody, without enjoying the sense or knowing a word of what is being sung.
A great admirer of this plaster-perfect edifice was my friend, Miss Kate Suppletongue, who declared to me that though she had been twice to London and Paris, she had seen nothing equal to the Academy for grandeur. Tom Slenderstring, of the Brevoort House, too, said neither the St. Carlos nor the Covent Garden could compare with it for beauty of design. And Tom was a traveled man, whose verdict the whole avenue accepted in matters of taste. My disappointment then was only equaled by the height to which my expectations had been raised by these excellent authorities. But what grieved me most, for I am a man of sympathy, was the batteries which had evidently been committed on these females in plaster forming an advance guard to the d.c.s circle, and obstructing the view while affecting to support the upper boxes. I am told that the directors and stockholders are men of large humanity, whose only vanity lies in fancying themselves liberal patrons of art, which is pardonable in gentlemen much given to commerce. I beseech them, then, as they are christian gentlemen, to look to the distressed condition of these females, some of whom have lost their noses, others their fingers and toes, while still others have had curious antics performed with their bosoms, which would seem to afford no little diversion to certain females of easy virtue, who, together with the empty seats of the stockholders, are firm fixtures of the dress circle. My pity was indeed excited at beholding the large aperture made by some strange accident in the abdomen of one of these plaster females, and which aperture a thoughtless young gentleman made a convenient place for depositing his hat and cane, much to the amus.e.m.e.nt of those in the vicinity.
As the opera (which is familiarly known as that of Lucrezia Borgia) proceeded, the general, who was not accustomed to this style of singing, began to think it a mere tilt of voices between the singers. "Pray, what does it all mean, sir?" said he, turning to Mr.
Tickler with much anxiety, "for I cannot understand a word of it; and it seems to me there are enough more in the same predicament, for those who have books I take it cannot find the places." Mr.
Tickler, who affected to have the whole opera at his fingers" ends, began an explanation of the history and plot of the opera, which, however, only served to leave the matter more confused in the general"s mind; and he declared he saw no good reason why they should scream their troubles in a language not one word of which nineteen-twentieths of the audience could understand.
"Faith of my father, sir," he continued, "but if the fleshy man would only stop his screaming, and set to sing "Auld Lang Syne," or something of that sort, it would be much more to my liking. To your fashionable folks with your fashionable singing, for all me: and let them who understand it pay for it; to be honest with you, sir, (and I see you are much given to this sort of singing,) I can make no more of it than that the fleshy man you call the tenor, and who you say is no scaly fellow, but a man with whom several damsels have become enamored, is outdoing the big man you call the ba.s.so, in telling his troubles to the audience, who, I take it, care not a whit about them, seeing that most of them are keeping up a loud conversation on matters concerning their neighbors, which is a proof of their resolution not to let the bawling fellows upon the stage have it all their own way. As to the moral of the representation, I have no doubt it is good, as you say; but I hold, that vice is better shut up in the closet than served out for the amus.e.m.e.nt of the young. But lest you say I am not a man of feeling, I can tell you I pity the tall woman you call the prima donna; and if she would accept a word of advice from me, I would tell her to so square her example for the future, that she may be prepared for Heaven when Death knocks at the door, since she is a lady of so much beauty that it would be a pity to see her leave this world without redemption.
And as I see the big, fat chorus women are laughing in their skins at our ignorance of what they say, I would have them take heed lest they fall into the snare you describe as being set for the square shouldered damsels you call the atrato." "Contralto!" interrupted Mr. Tickler. "Well, have it contralto, then; the difference is only in a word or two, which matters nothing now-a-days. And as to the opera, I hold it best that we get home and attend to matters concerning our journey, for I see the two foreign gentlemen on the stage are for having a fight between themselves; and as it would not become me, as a military man, to stand by and see any unfair play, or indeed, to have anything to do with it, let us prove the strength of our understanding by getting quietly away." During this colloquy between the general and Mr. Tickler, Glanmoregain had been a quiet listener; but he was not a little amused at the singular innocence of the man he was about to entrust with the important office of overthrowing a kingdom. And although he would have remained to the end of the opera, which, so far as the princ.i.p.als were concerned, was really being performed in a very creditable manner, he accompanied the general to his quarters at the St. Nicholas, where they, having made such arrangements for the journey as will be recorded in the following chapter, parted for the night.
CHAPTER XL.
GENERAL ROGER POTTER AND HIS SECRETARY ARRIVE IN WASHINGTON, TO THE NO SMALL ALARM OF CERTAIN ADEPTS AND OFFICE SEEKERS.
THE general arose on the following morning before the sparrows were up; and as he had ordered the landlord to have his bill forthcoming, he found it duly laid on his table, with a balance so ponderous that he commenced comparing it with the contents of his purse, without at first being able to comprehend the process that had found him thus involved. At length he discovered that although the city fathers had discharged a certain amount of the bill, out of respect of his being the guest of the city, they had ordered refreshments, (such as wines and suppers,) at his expense, and to such an extent as to make it quite clear that he would have saved at least one hundred dollars had he never seen these worthy dignitaries. In fine, the cunning fellows took very good care never to honor a guest without making him pay dear enough for it. But he had enough to square the bill, and something left; and he would have the landlord know that he was none of your shabby politicians who lives on hopes and pays their debts with promises. He therefore paid his bill with an air of wealth that completely won the landlord"s confidence, (for he had previously entertained no few fears of his bill.) Beside, circ.u.mstances made it necessary for him to leave old Battle until his return, for which he had stipulated with Glanmoregain, which was to him a grievous affliction. In truth, General Potter, disordered as his wits were, regarded old Battle as a perfect safeguard in every emergency.
And now as the blushing dawn threw her golden drapery over the eastern sky, as if to cheer the general on his journey, Mr. Tickler, panting for breath, and evidently alarmed at something he could not clearly define, made his appearance, bearing a single valise.
"Faith, sir," he stammered, "I"m right glad to see you ready, for it seemed to me that no less than twenty sheriffs and all my creditors were at my heels."
"Pray, sir, be not so nervous," replied the general, "for your life"s your own."
"That may be all true," rejoined the critic; "but let us leave the argument until we have got safe out of the city, for my conscience tells me that he who slips his creditors had better be sure of his heels."
The two now slipped as slyly as possible to the carriage, and without stopping to take leave of any one but the landlord, took their departure for the Camden and Amboy station, Tickler looking back, and thanking his stars that he had got clear of his creditors.
And as they were pursuing their journey to Philadelphia, Tickler turned to the general, saying:
"Though I may have violated the laws of friendship in this little matter between me and my landlady, I at least breathe freer, and know that I am an honest man. But! heaven save me, sir, if we should get shivered to splinters on this road, (which I am told is one celebrated for the dexterity with which it performs such acts,) what would be said of me by my enemies, for I have enough, and many of them are as good critics as can be found!"
"Have a care for your friends, Mr. Tickler-have a care for your friends; and let not fear of your enemies carry away your judgment.
Example after me; meet your enemies with sword and pistol, and settle the matter as becomes gentlemen. Honestly, friend Tickler, I hold it better a man shut his ears to the sayings of his enemies, for if they spit him to-day, the praises of his friends will offset it to-morrow."
They now continued their journey, and without serious accident or hinderance of any kind, arrived in Washington before sunset, and proceeded directly to "Willard"s Hotel," that being not only the most fashionable, but the house at which distinguished politicians and military men of quality registered their names, though the host was neither celebrated for his courtesy, nor the politeness of his servants, nor the excellence of his table.
"I am General Roger Sherman Potter, commonly called Major Roger Potter, of whose fame, I take it, you have heard enough said in the newspapers," spoke the general, addressing a tall, dark complexioned, and lean visaged man, who was no less a person than the landlord. After casting a scrutinizing glance at the amount of baggage his guests had, as was customary with him, (sharpers had more than once a.s.sumed the t.i.tle of general,) for it was not considered polite to present a bill until the end of the week, the landlord replied by saying in a tone of indifference:
"As to that, sir, perhaps I have, and perhaps I have not; it is not quite clear to my mind at this moment. It is a difficult matter for men of our profession to distinguish between generals." The landlord smiled, and continued his glances up and down the figure before him, as if contemplating his stupendous belly, as contrasted with the shape of his turnip head.
"Heavens! Mr. Landlord, just jog your memory, and see if you don"t find in it a recollection of the ceremonies that have attended me on my journey here," e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.ed the general, not a little crest-fallen that the host of so popular an inn had no knowledge of one who had made himself so famous in politics.
In fine, the landlord, sharp sighted as he was, puzzled his wits not a little to find out what manner of men his guests were, for he had never in his life met so crude a general, with a secretary so fashionable. The general, however, happened to finger his purse, which contained several gold coin, the color of which proved an excellent panacea with the landlord, whose courtesy now knew no bounds. In truth, he ordered them the best double bedded room in his second story; and from being somewhat taciturn, was now ready to vouchsafe a smile and ready reply to all the general"s questions, which were not a few. He then invited them to write their names in his register, which service the general said he would leave to his secretary, Mr. Tickler, who performed it with great skill, nor forgot to add the t.i.tle, which he fancied would secure them superior attentions.
And now, while these preliminaries were performing, numerous fashionably dressed, but seemingly idle men, gathered about the general, viewing him with a feeling divided between curiosity and suspicion. Several military men, too, who prided themselves not a little on their West Point reputation, cast sneers at him, saying he could not be much of a general since he had not even heard the drum beat at the Point. Others said it were impossible so punch bellied a man could endure the fatigues of war, especially when mounted; while still others declared he would pa.s.s readily for a fool, if, indeed, he was not one of those sham generals of whom New England had an infinite number. The whole mob of military men, in fact, affected to regard him with contempt, and would have prayed Heaven to be rid of all such intruders, notwithstanding they traveled with secretaries.
But there was in Washington another, and, perhaps, not less influential cla.s.s of men, who took a very different view of the general, and, before he had been three days in the city, sought by various impertinent questions to ascertain the object of his visit, which they professed to have the power to advance. And these men were lobby agents, correspondents of newspapers, and adepts at all sorts of schemes for plundering the treasury, which they represented as a very soft-sided concern, and so easy of access that it only required a man of undaunted courage to make a breach in it.
Correspondents of newspapers swore by their honor, which was the cheapest thing they possessed, that if he had a project before Congress, they could "get it through for him just as easy as the turning of a mill wheel." Indeed if their declarations were worthy of reliance, they could make any man famous for a trifle; and as for members of Congress, they had but to praise them in their epistles to secure their votes in getting a scheme through. I have never been set down for a malicious writer; but as these gentlemen correspondents would have you believe, they had the nation and Congress in their breeches pockets, I may say, without fear of contradiction, that the devil never projected a scheme they were not ready to aid, and equally ready to crook their palms for the trifle that made it a virtue with them. In fine, I am not so sure that they would not have enjoined the whole calendar of saints to come forth and bear testimony to their honesty, though they were abetting a dozen dishonest schemes.
The cunning fellows also produced papers containing dispatches setting forth that General Roger Potter and his secretary had arrived, and taken rooms at Willard"s. One more daring than the rest, said right in the teeth of truth, that it was reported in diplomatic circles that General Potter would receive an important mission as his reward for the great services he had rendered the democratic party. Finally, after informing the nation, (which they fancied was as deeply interested as themselves,) that General Roger Potter"s visit to Washington was connected with as many as forty different things, they came to the very convenient conclusion that he was really come to ask of Congress compensation for extraordinary services rendered the government by his dead ancestor, (living ones he had none,) during the war of 1812, such being very common at this day. And as nothing could be more fatal to a claim before Congress than the fact that it was founded in honesty, the lobby screw would swear by his ability to get all fict.i.tious ones through. This was the result of that indifference among Congressmen which makes the distinction between justice and fraud something too insignificant to waste time over.
The general declared with all his power of persuasion that he had no claim before Congress; and Tickler was ready to swear to the truth of what he said. But divers lobby men and correspondents refused to be convinced; and after putting an infinite number of questions to him, swore they would take it up, regardless of its character, and "rush it through" Congress for twenty five per cent.
It ought to be mentioned here that the "correspondent" esteems himself a much more respectable gentleman than the "lobby agent,"
whom he affects to hold in virtuous contempt. More than once was the general warned by these facile gentlemen of the press, not to have anything to do with the vagabonds of the lobby, who, though they gave it out that they had Congress between their thumbs, and could double it up, and mould it exactly to their liking, were regarded by every member honest enough not to crook his palm more than once during the session, as so many buzzards resolved on having carrion.