The general had, however, been advised by Glanmoregain to slip a trifle into the palms of certain correspondents, to the end that their praise could do no harm, and might do much good.
Now there was living in Washington about this time, one Ben Stretcher, a man of wonderful genius, and a correspondent of no less than five very enterprising newspapers, for all of which he manufactured wars and diplomatic irruptions with a facility that would have put Lord Stratford de Radcliffe to the blush. Stretcher knew everbody in Washington, and everybody in Washington knew Stretcher. If an enterprising gentleman came to Washington with the very harmless and common inclination of plucking the government, Stretcher was sure to make his acquaintance, and equally sure to find out what feathers he had, and how best they could be plucked.
Wearing his beard after the manner of an apostle, and having a countenance into which he could infuse an air of great wisdom, Ben was sure to insinuate himself into the good graces of every new comer, to whom he would confide all the secrets of the government, which he carried about on his head, as a negro does a basket of apples. His skill at manufacturing state secrets was, however, equaled only by his skill for finding out state secrets. The President never acted on important state affairs without first consulting him. As to cabinet ministers, he was not only the intimate friend and adviser of the whole batch, but swore he had them all so completely at his bidding, (being called on frequently to rectify their blunders,) that no foreign appointment could be made without his consent. Indeed, Ben Stretcher never failed to a.s.sert, while drinking his punch, that nothing was mo re easy than to double up Congress, Administration, Cabinet, and the whole mob of office givers, put them in one"s pocket, and walk quietly off. Ben"s greatest wisdom was, however, displayed to great advantage in the facility with which he gave to the country matters of grave importance that were to be transacted at various cabinet meetings in prospective. In truth, he often made the government cut a sorry figure in the eyes of those not familiar with the art of making state secrets; for being "especial" correspondent of the numerous enterprising newspapers I have referred to, he will to-day frighten the country with an "exclusive" dispatch to the Daily Discoverer, revealing the momentous fact (?) that a war with England was inevitable; while with equal grandeur of equanimity, he will to-morrow a.s.sert that there is not the slightest cause to fear "a disturbance of the friendly intercourse now existing between this country and Great Britain." And these wonderful prophecies, together with extraordinary state secrets, he would vary every day, according to the demands of the public and his own taste. Lucky, indeed, were the journals having Ben Stretcher or a getter up of "startling"
news, and many were they who sought to engage his services. It was, nevertheless, curious to see how Ben, smiling within himself, would, in a third dispatch, a.s.sert that all his prophecies had been verified, though, heaven knows, he was generally as far off the truth as the poles are from the equator.
In order not to lose time in paying his respects to so distinguished a general, and a gentleman who, no doubt, had important business with Congress, where his services might find employment, Ben took the earliest opportunity to make a formal call one day; but finding only Mr. Tickler at home, he relieved his disappointment in a colloquy, which will be recorded in the next chapter.
CHAPTER XLI.
IN WHICH IS RECORDED A CURIOUS CONVERSATION THAT TOOK PLACE BETWEEN STRETCHER, TICKLER, AND THE GENERAL, AND WHAT THEY THOUGHT OF THE STATE OF THE NATION.
MR. STRETCHER entered the general"s room with his head canted toward his left shoulder, his countenance wearing an air of great wisdom, his hat in his left hand, and the fingers of his right to his beard.
"I take the liberty of introducing myself, sir," he spoke, and bowed with becoming courtesy. "Ben Stretcher, that is my name, which, perhaps, is familiar enough to you, being so well known in Washington."
"Lord bless me! why, the name is familiar enough, G.o.d knows; and it"ll not be sayin" much to tell you that my own name is Orlando Tickler, a critic who has fame enough in New York, and of whom I take it you have heard mention."
"Permit me to say, sir, that I am truly happy to meet one so distinguished. As for the name, a household word was never more familiar to me." They now shook each other warmly by the hand, and after exchanging numerous compliments, took seats, and commenced to converse freely upon various subjects connected with the affairs of the Union. And when they were agreed exactly as to its disorders, and had fifty different remedies they were ready to apply whenever the nation demanded their services, Mr. Stretcher said to Mr.
Tickler, "And now, sir, as I am a man fond of rendering service to persons in need, I am come (according to the rules of courtesy) to pay my respects to the general, of whom it is reported that he is come to Washington in search of an important mission. It gives me infinite pleasure, however, to meet his secretary. Now I would suggest to the general that I may be of great service to him, for I am a correspondent of not less than five newspapers, and can make the Administration do my bidding."
"Faith," ejaculatated Mr. Tickler, in reply, "I am glad enough to hear what you say, for my master has need enough of your services to get the mission; and I may tell you in confidence that I have much cause of despairing, for although I know but little of my master, except what I get through the newspapers, I already begin to see that he is simpleton enough for anything, and no little of a knave."
"You astonish me!" interrupted Mr. Stretcher, thoughtfully.
"Faith of my father," resumed Tickler, folding his arms, "I see nothing to be astonished at, for I take it any simpleton may set up for a statesman, and if he have but a fair mixture of the knave to throw in, he may carry the gifts of the government in his breeches pockets; also, if the devil do not carry him off in one of his pranks, he will no doubt distinguish himself as a foreign minister."
Here Mr. Tickler paused for a moment, and then bid the gentleman of the five newspapers, and all the administration, to remember that these remarks were made in confidence.
"I confess, Mr. Tickler," replied Mr. Stretcher, "I admire your plain manner of speech. But you surprise and astonish me with what you say of the soundness of the general"s understanding. In truth, sir, though I know something of the arts practiced by editors in making famous politicians, I had read a speech or two made by the general and upon the wisdom therein contained set him down for a profound scholar, and no small statesman. However, this I will say, and pledge my reputation on the truth of it, that if he be no scholar, but simply an unmitigated mixture of Jew and simpleton, it will rather improve than damage his prospects for the best foreign mission in the gift of the government. Do not mistake me, sir; for I would not say a damaging word of our excellent President, whose too great goodness of heart may account for his lack of discretion; but he has a pa.s.sion for bestowing gifts on Jews and simpletons, of which history affords no example!"
"Faith of my father! if that be the case, then my master will get as fat a slice as any of them," rejoined Tickler, rising from his seat with regained spirits, and grasping the other warmly by the hand.
"And now, seeing that we fellow kindred professions, we will be free in our advances, and settle this matter over a punch." Mr. Tickler rang the bell, and when the servant appeared, ordered two stout punches. Having exchanged compliments, and commenced sipping at their straws, Mr. Tickler touched the man of the newspapers confidentially on the arm, and whispered in his ear, that not having a dollar to his pocket, he began to think General Roger Potter, as he was called, had brought him to a whistling market, on a fool"s errand. "Honestly, friend," he continued, "I was when you entered thinking how best to escape the landlord, for I see he is a sharp fellow; and this paying two dollars and three quarters a day is a thing not so easily done with an empty pocket."
"A very common thing, a very common thing, Mr. Tickler; and though the wits of the landlord are sharp enough, it is no rare thing for him to get shorn by those who seek meat-offerings of the government."
Here Tickler"s mind seemed to run back to a subject upon which it was wont to dwell-the style of his dress. And, throwing himself back in his chair, he raised his right foot upon his left knee, and inquired of Mr. Stretcher how he liked the style of his boots, which were of the brightest leather, and so tight that when he walked, it was with the caution of one stepping upon eggs, and in fear of having to pay for the broken ones. Stretcher expressed himself delighted. In truth, he was not long in discerning the critic"s little weaknesses; and to the end of flattering them, told him that he was in every particular of dress, the most stylish gentleman it had been his good fortune to meet for many a day. And this so pleased Mr. Tickler, that he would have ordered a second punch, but that the adept declared it was a custom with him never to drink more than one, not even with his oldest friends.
And though Stretcher drank his punch freely enough, he was somewhat disappointed at the developments made by the critic concerning his master. As for the secretary, he set him down in his heart as not only a curious specimen of pedantry, but the most fashionable poor gentleman he had ever seen in search of office; and heaven knows he had seen enough of them.
"It is said of the general," spoke Stretcher, laconically, as he set down his gla.s.s and commenced to stroke his beard, "that he has means enough at his command!"
"Upon my faith I know but little of his means, except that I have seen him with a purse full of gold, which is saying something for his means. And he pays readily enough for all he gets, which is more."
Mr. Tickler said this with such an air of self-confidence, that Stretcher immediately began to exhibit signs of anxiety, and was proceeding to make further inquiries, when the door opened and General Roger Potter stalked in, quite out of breath from the excess of heat. Mr. Tickler having drained his punch to the bottom, proceeded without further ceremony to introduce Mr. Stretcher, undertaking at the same time to give the general an account of his business, as also the wonderful influence he had over the various heads of departments. The general expressed great delight at meeting so influential a gentleman; and seeing that he had the government between his thumbs, at once intimated a desire to engage his services. Not to be outdone in courtesy, Mr. Stretcher expressed great delight at meeting so distinguished a General. "It would neither become me, nor the profession to which I belong to speak of myself; for though I have gained fame enough in politics, my military reputation stands so high with the nation that no man can take it down," spoke the general.
"For that matter you speak true enough, Sir," replied Mr. Stretcher, smiling and bowing blandly; "and, as I was just saying to your secretary, you have served the party like a patriot, and deserve well of the government. If it is an office you seek, why, you have only to name it, and I warrant it shall be safe in your pocket in forty-eight hours."
"Since you are capable of such extraordinary achievements, upon my soul, sir, you are just the man for my business."
"I can tell you, general, no man can say of Ben Stretcher that he ever betrayed his trust; no man can say of Ben Stretcher that he cannot twist the government round his thumbs; and no man can say of Ben Stretcher that he artfully connived at doing wrong; for he knows his thread of life has not long to run. Truly, sir, though many a man has tried hard enough to bring me down to his own level, not one has yet been found to raise his finger against my honor; and if you engage my services, I warrant to give you proof enough of my qualifications."
The general listened attentively to the adept"s remarks, and after a short pause, spoke and said, "And now, sir, seeing that you have sufficient endowments for my business, before proceeding further in this matter we will have a punch; for that will soften the heart, and at the same time give such light to the mind, as will enable us to talk the matter over pleasantly."
After turning to Mr. Tickler and apologizing for having declined a second punch with him, he then made his compliments to the general, saying that as the occasion was a rare one he would make an exception to what was otherwise a firmly established principle with him.
"Faith," interposed Mr. Tickler, on hearing the punch suggested, "you both talk like men of the world and scholars; for a punch is a mighty potent in matters of this kind."
The punches were up in a trice; and while Mr. Stretcher and the general debated their affairs over them, Mr. Tickler quietly sipped his in the corner.
"To be honest with you," spoke the general, addressing Mr.
Stretcher, "I am come here in the hope of getting a reward for my services, which is no uncommon thing; and as I take it there are many worse men than me serving the country, I flatter myself I stand a fair chance, seeing that my expectations are neither extravagant nor unwise. I am also of opinion that a man should think more of his country and less of his pocket; and to that end it will content me to be sent a commissioner to the King of the Kaloramas, though it would be natural enough not to refuse the mission to the Tuilleries.
As for the secretaries, I have paid my respects to the whole batch; and though they are willing enough to say good things of me, and to extol my political achievements, they say pleasantly enough that the commonwealth could not do without me, and, therefore, that I must stay quietly at home. In short, they tell me that only such talent as is worthless at home can be spared to go abroad. The president I found a most excellent gentleman, ready to gratify my wishes, and to give me at least six of the seven missions in his gift. In truth, I found him a person ready to please in various ways, and take it that he has a liking for adorers, such as have little scruple in lavishing praise upon his well regulated government, the solidity of which, it is well enough to say, he has raised a pitch higher than any of his predecessors."
"You have it, exactly!" interrupted Mr. Stretcher. "He is possessed of wonderful faith; and if you want a favor of him you have only to ply him with such toys and trinkets as you have named to secure it.
If, however, (and I take what you say for truth,) you are patient enough to be content with a commissionship to the King of the Kaloramas, there will be no more trouble about the matter than the making of a bird cage."
"Ah, sir! but how am I to reward you for your services? for a man is not expected to be a philanthropist in these matters, and my wife Polly Potter always said it was cheaper that a man pays for what he gets," returned the general. The adept charged the general to give himself no concern about that little matter, but merely to set it down for an after consideration. And to this they both agreed, and emptied their punches in the full belief that they were all-bountiful in the power of constructing commonwealths and managing governments. "Faith, it is just come to my mind that the president good-naturedly advised me to forthwith transmit my application in writing to the State Department," spoke the general, as if just waking to a sense of his obligations. To this Stretcher said nothing was more essential, and as much depended on the style and wording of the application (at which he had experienced enough), he enjoined the general to delay this matter until the following morning, when he would arrange it to his liking. Mr. Stretcher then took his leave, consoling himself that he had got a fleece of great value. And now as the limits of my chapter are exhausted, I must beg the reader to turn to the next for what took place on the following morning.
CHAPTER XLII.
WHICH RECORDS THE SINGULAR CHARACTER OF THE APPLICATION MADE BY GENERAL ROGER POTTER FOR AN OFFICE, AND HOW HE IS SENT MINISTER TO THE KING OF THE KALORAMAS, THAT BEING THE EASIEST METHOD OF GETTING RID OF HIM.
STRETCHER, after having looked in at the State Department, where he extolled the qualifications of General Roger Potter in language that would have astonished Cicero and put Lycurgus to the blush, busied himself the greater portion of the night in preparing the general"s application for the mission to the King of the Kaloramas, a nation of savages few had heard of, and yet fewer visited. In short, I may mention here that the only benefit the government expected to derive from going to the great expense of sending a minister to Kalorama was that the savage, whom divers renegades had set up for a King, might have a guano island or two, which by some well-directed trick could be fritted away from him; while, having impressed him with the greatness of our prowess, he would hold it good policy to keep his peace. With a ponderous doc.u.ment, then, covering some forty pages of foolscap, and minutely setting forth all the great political results achieved by the general, and upon which he based his claims to the high consideration of the administration, Mr. Stretcher, not a little vain of his skill in drafting such instruments, entered the general"s room early on the following morning, and found him in consultation with his Secretary, who was writing a letter to the Secretary of State, of which the following is an exact copy:- "Willard"s Hotel, July 7th, 185-. "TO HIS EXCELLENCY THE SECRETARY OF STATE:
"Being informed by my friend, the President of these United States, who has given me no few a.s.surances of his inclination to serve me, that it was to you all those in search of rewards for their endeavors must address themselves, I take it you will not set me down for a maker of wheel-barrows when you read this, my application for the mission to the King of Kalorama, which G.o.d knows is but a trifle, though I am willing to accept it out of respect for the man who is ready to die honest, and has no itching for what money he may get of his country. As to my qualifications, I take it you know enough of them already. But this I will say, that I am not a man to betray a trust, nor am I trickey; which is more than all of your ministers can say of themselves! In short, if your excellency would know all about that, I can refer you to Barnstable, where I am set down for a peaceable neighbor and as good a Christian as any of them. But I have heard it said that diplomacy was only a tissue of scheming to get the advantage over a weak neighbor; therefore it is as well to be silent on my Christianity, seeing that such is not adapted to the business required of a good minister. And though I am ready to pledge my military reputation (which I got in Mexico) neither to get into controversies with editors, nor to fight duels for what may be said of my wife Polly"s muslin; nor indeed to cut up such queer pranks with all who come in my way that I shall be wondered at; nor to leave my debts unpaid, which is common enough with our young diplomatists, I will give battle to all sorts of wickedness which is the mother of despotism. This last I say because I have a Damascus blade that achieved wonders in Mexico, and to this day is as good as new. Grant but my request, and I will see well to this savage. And if he behave like a gentleman there shall be peace between us; but if he be obstinate, and cut up capers, and put himself upon his dignity, then I engage to get as many of his Islands as you shall command, which, judging from the gravity of your nature, I am sure you will value as so many pearls. But I pray your excellency to say to my friend the President that I have a rare talent for conducting governments, and am in favor of taking Cuba by the beard without all this coaxing round the bush, which reminds me of the means used to decoy a tender-hearted virgin. In short, as to that, I will turn my back to no man for my faith in what destiny owes us, and pray that the whole continent may soon be ours.
"Having said thus much, please write me down a man who will fulfill his promises, though sent to the remotest end of the earth. And here let me mention that it is reported of the administration that it has a pa.s.sion for making ministers of unconverted Jews, and such other shabby politicians as the country can well spare. Now, though it may damage my prospects, I will tell you honestly that General Roger Potter never during his whole life trafficked in cheap gallantry and old uniforms. Truly, your excellency, I am neither Jew nor shabby gentleman, but as honest a Christian as can be found; and for that matter take it that my claim to the apples ought at least to be equal.
"As a recommendation of great value, I have been advised to state that I have no language at my tongue"s end but my own; and, in truth, that needs much polishing. And most likely this savage king will be found in the same predicament, which is well for him; for if he had a whole Babylon of tongues in his head, like the three learned executioners of Putnam"s Magazine, the devil would get his kingdom and leave him a beggar. Now as this savage can only speak his own tongue, you may fancy the solitude that must yawn between us. We may say what we please of one another without rendering our actions dangerous. Faith, as my Secretary says, it seems to me we may entertain a mutually magnificent opinion of each other without danger of disturbing the dragons. And if we commit blunders it will be convenient to charge them all to the deficiency of our tongues.
"And now, your excellency, if these qualifications be not enough, pray remember that I have as many more in store. Be not timorous in the matter, but ponder well over my claims to your consideration; and if it please you to grant my prayer, I will accept the boon with as many thanks as you may demand. "Your Excellency"s Humble Servant, "GENERAL ROGER SHERMAN POTTER."
"Heavens, sir!" exclaimed the accommodating Mr. Stretcher, as the general read to him what he had prepared, "but you have left the perfecting of this business to me. Let me beseech you, then, not to dispatch such a letter, for I am not the man to question your abilities; but having got the matter in train, you must not knock the fruit down before it is ripe. Here your honor will find a doc.u.ment in every way suited to the purpose." Mr. Stretcher here produced a ponderous paper, wherein every speech made by the general was carefully referred to, and also no end of political achievements set down to his credit; such, in fine, as would have defied the skill of a dozen politicians of such inferior calibre as Clay and Webster. The general seemed a little chary of this big doc.u.ment, and took it in his fingers somewhat reluctantly. And as he did so, Mr. Tickler, who until then had remained silent, spoke up and said, "By my faith, gentlemen, had the matter been left to me, they should have had proof of my knowledge of Latin in the sentences, for I have heard it said that Secretaries of State are fond of it. But I will smoke my cigar and leave the rest to you."