"FAITH, gentlemen," said Commander Potter, as with a long pole, his attendants drew him, besmeared with soft black mud, from the frog-pond, "though I know not how the battle goes, and am not a bit bruised in my person, I am much concerned for the damage to my uniform. My horse I freely forgive, for he is really a trusty animal. Go then and bring him to me, for though he served me this dirty trick, my heart will not let me forget his past goodness." And while a messenger was dispatched in search of the wayward steed, the general was got to his head-quarters, where a change of raiment so altered his appearance that when his generals came to announce the result of the battle scarce one of them recognised him until he spoke. In truth he was quietly stretched upon a bed, with nothing on but his breeches, shirt, and night cap. But when they announced to him the manner in which this great victory was won, he sprang to his feet, and giving vent to his ecstacy, declared it nothing less than a miracle. "Faith of my mother!" he exclaimed, placing his hands to his belly and tossing his head, "now I know that my horse Battle was preserved to me for a great purpose."
"Aye sir, it is wise of you to say so," replied Broadbottom, taking him gravely by the hand, "but it is my melancholy duty to inform you that the poor animal is killed. But it may afford you consolation to know that he first killed the King and his mule."
This sad news so affected the general that he could with difficulty restrain his tears. Indeed the words choaked in his throat for several minutes, and he seemed completely overcome with melancholy.
"You must remember, general," replied Goneti, with a flourish of his sword, "that it is to this animal we owe the success of our arms."
"I am delighted with this excellent account of my horse," said the Commander, with regained cheerfulness. "It is true, an accident I need not describe here, deprived you of the great service I had intended to bestow upon this battle. If, however, it was by my horse, then by all all the rules of war, I am ent.i.tled to a large share of the honor. It was a miracle performed by him, gentlemen; and viewing it in that light, I am consoled for his death, and so peace be with him."
Broadbottom now stepped forward, in his uniform, and, with a twinkle of mischief in his eye, replied: "Our Commander has it exactly. And if it please him, we will have this battle called the Battle of the Miracle!"
"Faith, general," rejoined Commander Potter, "you have hit my way of thinking, exactly. Let Stoneheart appear, and I will instruct him how to record this great victory in the New York newspapers, so that the whole union be made to dance with joy when it appears."
Stoneheart was not long in appearing before his Commander, who at once complimented him, though in truth he was in no very sober mood, on his great proficiency at making the greatest victories ever won by mortal valor. And although it was said of this Stoneheart that he was nowhere to be found during the hottest of the fight, he was not a whit less than a general in his own eyes. Having been enjoined what to say by his commander, this good man and valiant soldier betook himself to the preparation of these grandiloquent articles.
As for the commander, he busied himself writing ponderous dispatches to Glenmoregain, who, satisfied that he had a perfect pearl of a Commander, as well as the kingdom of Kalorama safe between his thumbs, forthwith ordered the building of seven more steamships, since it was no small matter for a great merchant to go about with two or three kingdoms in his pockets, and not have a navy to protect them. In truth it must be confessed that Glenmoregain, although an excellent gentlemen and worthy citizen, was exceedingly loose in his discretion. Perhaps, however, it is charitable to say that a less credulous gentleman might have yielded to his enthusiasm under the same circ.u.mstances, for Commander Potter declared by the saints that not only had he been in the flame and fire of every fight, but killed with his own arm not less than six of the enemy"s best generals, whose heads he would send him by the next mail.
And now the allies having vanquished the poor Kaloramas, and put the priests to flight, betook themselves to rioting, and were so elated at gaining the victory, that they entirely forgot to take possession of Nezub, and indeed spent three whole days in such pleasant amus.e.m.e.nts as hanging the peasantry in the neighborhood, and pillaging such things as henroosts and beehives. And this strange apathy on the part of the allies afforded the poor Nezubians an excellent opportunity for burying their king decently; after which they vacated their humble homes, with no few sighs and regrets. In truth many was the heart that beat in sorrow as it pa.s.sed some familiar object, and the eye that moistened with tears as it turned to look back upon those rude cabins wherein was stored all the recollections of childhood.
The generals having come to their senses on the fourth day, formed their army, and suddenly remembering that it would be in accordance with the usages of war to demand a capitulation, dispatched an officer with a flag of truce. But on entering the town he found it deserted, even to the dogs; while the priests, as if to leave traces of their mission along the lonely streets, had planted them with crosses. This state of things being reported, Commander Potter, for want of his favorite horse, mounted a well-starved mule, and placing himself at the head of his army, entered the town amidst the blowing of horns and beating of drums, which fully satisfied him that no greater, or more fortunate commander ever lived. But the army had not been in possession of the town more than an hour when a great quarrel arose between Commander Potter and Don Perez Goneti, touching the right to rule the kingdom. Both proceeded to take possession of the king"s palace; both a.s.serted their claims in language and demeanor unbecoming soldiers; and each ordered his followers to hang the other without judge or jury. And when they were about putting an end to this dispute with their drawn swords, (having given the army an incentive to disorder,) Stoneheart interposed for peace, proposing that they both consider themselves sovereigns until such time as a board of generals could be called to settle the question.
I ought to mention that Don Perez Goneti a.s.serted his claim on the ground of having first conceived the project of getting the kingdom out of the king"s fingers. Further, he bid the great Potter bear in mind that he was invited into the country, merely as an auxiliary to the carrying out of a great undertaking. But this only served to increase Commander Potter"s temerity, for he a.s.serted with great force that every victory yet won was due to the army sent him by the New York gentleman, for whom he was to get the kingdom, to say nothing of what his horse had done. Like sensible gentlemen, becoming weary of the quarrel, they partook of a punch, went quietly to bed, and left this great question to be settled among their generals. But unfortunately their generals were not of a turn of mind to agree on anything; and after spending nine days in angry discussion, concluded with calling one another such names as-"robber," "ruffian," "coward." In fact each general had such a longing for the crown, and fancied himself possessed of such a rare talent for governing, that neither coaxing nor beseeching could have brought them to an agreement on this matter of the crown. And this was to be regretted, seeing that the priests were mustering the Kalorama army, and indeed giving various other proofs of their itching to recover the kingdom.
And now, when disorder seemed at its highest pitch, the allied army, with commendable good sense, and without paying the slightest heed to the quarrels of its generals, proclaimed General Roger Sherman Potter ruler over all Kalorama; and this was out of sheer respect to his humor, for the army held it good to be ruled over by a gentleman who could afford soldiers so much diversion.
Be it known then that General Potter accepted this manifestation of popular favor, as homage paid to his great military skill, and having called his soldiers together, he made then a speech, in which he made promises to their satisfaction, declaring that he was more than a match for the duties of the office. "And now, gentlemen soldiers," he concluded, "since you have made me ruler over this kingdom, you shall see that I am not fresh in the business. I would have you recollect, also, that the man who seeks my overthrow must not take it amiss if he find himself dangling to a tree: it is enough for rulers to rule; and for what follows, let citizens look to their own doors." Whereupon there was great clapping of hands, and indeed such acclamations of joy as convinced General Potter that he was a ruler in every way worthy of their admiration.
After bidding his soldiers go and regale themselves wherever they could find wherewith to do it, (for as yet there was no plunder in the treasury,) the ruler had an account of this wonderful transformation of affairs forwarded to the newspapers, that it might be published to the world, which he knew in his heart felt a deep interest in all his movements. This done he set to work organizing his cabinet; but so jealous of Don Perez Goneti was he, that in order to be well rid of him he sent him (disguised in the garb of a priest) amba.s.sador to Washington, where, he thanked heaven, the strangeness of his figure, as well as his extraordinary presumption, would be of great service in recommending him to our good natured president.
Feeling the kingdom safe in his palm, he called the members of his cabinet together, and addressed them in the following manner: "Although I have no mitre on my head, gentlemen, I am no less ruler over this kingdom. And as I am a man who loves peace, pray put an end to your disputes on the spot; for I intend that prudence shall mark my reign. Mark what I say then: he who wrangles for the small offices of this nation, had better look to his reason. I challenge no man for his reputation, for a public servant had needs take care of the little he has got; but if you would find favor with the people, and prolong the glory of my reign, let your thoughts turn on how you can best serve them. And as the nation is without a treasury, I make no doubt you will preserve your integrity, which, heaven knows, is more than most men do. But of all things, lend not your ears to every man"s whisper; for if you do the nation will suffer most where you least think. I would also have you moderate your longing for higher office; for it is a thing that brings much evil to the nation. Above all, be mindful how you give rein to your conceits, since it is come the fashion for men to say fine things of you to your face, and send you to the devil with their thoughts. As for myself, there shall be so good an understanding between me and my people that no man shall speak evil of my reign. Truly, gentlemen, I hold it a pleasant thing to die and know the people will say: "Well, Roger Sherman Potter was a good ruler." And now, let every man to his office."
With this model address, the like of which is not to be found in any history heretofore written, the great Potter dismissed his cabinet.
The members, on consulting among themselves, came to the very sensible conclusion that as their ruler had failed, in his address, to throw any light upon the services required of them, the nation was well enough; and if let alone would take care of itself. They therefore betook themselves to a small cabin built of palm-logs and clay, where they spent the day in carousing; while the great ruler contemplated the majesty of his position, and the army roamed over the country in search of plunder.
And now, having spent one whole day in the mighty task of governing a nation, he was overtaken with one of the most remarkable reverses, which not only changed the whole face of affairs but came within a hair of costing him his life; as well as discovering to him the fact that no really great ruler was sure of his throne, even for a day.
And this wonderful event, with all its serious results, the reader will find faithfully recorded in the next chapter.
CHAPTER LVII.
TREATING OF HOW THE RULER WAS CARRIED OFF INTO CAPTIVITY ON A MULE, ACCOMPANIED BY DIVERS PRIESTS.
WHEN night was come, and disorder reigned throughout the camp of the allies; when both generals and men were making night jubilant with their carousing, a cry broke forth in Nezub that the town was surprised by the enemy. A scene of the wildest confusion now ensued; midnight was made terrible by the howling of dogs, the beating of drums, the tramp of horses, and the clatter of fire-arms. Suddenly it was discovered that the town was in flames; and such was the terror excited in the hearts of the allied vagabonds that they took to their heels and scampered away like sensible men.
And here I am constrained to record, without the slightest disparagement to my ruler, that having drank three punches before he retired to bed, he was disturbed of his slumbers by seven priests, who came rushing into his chamber, and without so much as giving him time to put on his breeches, dragged him forth in his shirt, and having mounted him on a mule, hurried him out of town at full speed.
"The fates have gone against me," said General Potter, musing to himself as he rode silently along on his mule, accompanied by the priests, similarly mounted, but not in their shirts. "But a few hours since, I was measuring the exact dimensions of my glory. Faith of my father! I felt the kingdom as safe between my fingers as need be; and here I am riding a mule for the diversion of these fellows in black gowns; which is an unparalleled discourtesy to a ruler of my standing." Turning to the priests, he addressed them thus: "As you are good and holy men, may I pray that you will respect my position as ruler of this kingdom. Nor do I think it becomes you to trifle thus with my dignity: therefore give me one of your gowns, for the curious figure I am cutting becomes neither of us. And as you owe a duty to heaven, give me raiment, and tell me whither you carry me." The priests made no answer, but whipping up their mules continued on their journey until they reached a grove of palm-trees, some four miles from Nezub, where they halted. And having lighted torches, which threw a curious glow over the foliage, and invested the scene with an air of deep solemnity, they put General Potter on his trial, preparatory to which he was ordered to sit upon the ground, while the most aged of the priests took a seat upon the trunk of a tree.
First, they inquired of him what he had to say touching their punishment in riding the a.s.ses in the plaza, which grievously wounded their feelings. "As to the a.s.ses, gentlemen," replied Ruler Potter, "they, I take it, are emblematic of penitence, which I am sure your reverences ought not be ashamed of, since if my memory serves me right, (and it is good enough to trust on such matter,) I have read somewhere in Scripture that the apostles rode a.s.ses, and were not ashamed."
"Aye," replied the venerable priests, "but that was so long ago, and bears so little resemblance to our case, that it will not serve as a precedent. Heading a band of vagrants in pursuit of plunder, you have overrun our country, caused the death of our good king, and made the priesthood to be scoffed at, which is a crime meriting death. Having set yourself up for a ruler adds no small injury to the insults you have already inflicted upon this kingdom; we therefore condemn you to death, and are resolved to see you hanged on one of these trees at six in the morning." The general essayed to speak in reply to this sentence, but the priests bid him hold his peace, and join them in preparing his soul for heaven. And forthwith they commenced chanting prayers over him; but as their prayers were in Latin, not one word could he understand. Instead, however, of bemoaning his fate, as the reader may be prepared to expect, the condemned betook himself to mourning the loss of his kingdom, and devising means to regain it. He was also not a little puzzled to know what road his graceless army had taken, for he knew in his heart, they would lose no time in getting safely out of the country.
In truth he began to curse the day he took command of Glenmoregain"s army; for though he might have been a good enough gentleman himself, and have a praiseworthy liking for kingdoms, his army was made up of arrant rascals, who treated their commander as if he were a fool, had no fear of the devil, and deserved hanging.
While then the priests were chanting prayers for his soul, his mind was also occupied with these lines: "The funeral train, with the ruler came, And pa.s.sing slowly through the grove; Dropped tears of sorrow As honored they lay him in his lonely grave." Then the priests became oppressed for want of sleep; and in short were so overcome with the fatigue of their ride that, having tied their mules to trees, they stripped off their gowns, and, convinced in their own minds that the prisoner would not attempt to escape in his shirt, (or if he did, that his want of raiment was proof against any one taking him in), they stretched themselves down upon the ground, and were soon fast asleep.
Now, notwithstanding General Potter still fancied himself ruler over Kalorama, he felt that his head was quite as well on his own shoulders, for there was his wife Polly, and three children, who, for aught he knew to the contrary might stand much in need of a portion of his spoils, which as yet had been small indeed. He therefore got quietly up, and habiting himself in the hat and gown of a priest, mounted the fleetest mule of the lot, and reaching the high-road, in breathless anxiety, set out at full speed toward Jolliffee, confident that he would overtake or get some tidings of his straying army on the road. When he had got some three miles over the road, he turned in his saddle, listened with great caution, and said: "To the devil with you, Mister Priests, for General Potter owes you no thanks, and can take care of himself. See what it is to leave until morning a job you should have done at night!"
CHAPTER LVIII.
IN WHICH THE READER WILL FIND MUCH THAT IS CURIOUS AND INTERESTING.
WHEN morning came, and the priests were awakened by the singing of birds and the chattering of monkeys (as if in derision at their sloth), they no sooner discovered their great loss than they set to berating each another right soundly; not because they cared a whit for what evil the fellow could do, but that, having set their hearts on the hanging, it only grieved them to find that they had lost so excellent an opportunity of thus skilfully paying the scamp off for his tricks. "Let us preserve peace between us, for perhaps it is ordained of heaven!" said the venerable priest, with great solemnity of countenance. "And remember, brothers, we have made Jose Farino king, and have much need to join him, and lend him our aid in driving these vagabonds out of the country." Much debate was had on this question, which, however, resulted in an agreement to first pursue and recapture the condemned. So after they had refreshed themselves, and offered up prayer for the success of their undertaking, they mounted their mules and set off at full speed. But as is too often the case with them when over-anxious to get sinners to heaven, they forgot to look for the footprints, and galloped their mules in the wrong direction, and there we must leave them.
Being scrupulous of the character which my hero shall maintain for strict honesty, I here enjoin the reader to remember the circ.u.mstances under which General Roger Potter, ruler over all Kalorama, was constrained to commit a theft so small as that of the mule and the priest"s gown. Life is sweet with the greatest heroes; and let no man question the means by which they seek to preserve it until he has felt the halter about his own neck.
Know then, that while the priests were pursuing their blind way, eager for a victim, the retreating ruler, being hungry and anxious, was entering the cabin of a poor peasant woman, having travelled some twenty miles on the road without stopping. No sooner did the poor woman see him than she fell upon her knees, crossed herself and began saying her beads. In short she paid reverence to him in so many ways that he became alarmed lest she go mad with joy; for being clad in the garb of a priest, and in his bare feet, she mistook him for one of those good and holy men who go over the country renouncing the vanities of the world, and setting an example to others by the terrible penance paid with the soles of their feet.
And when she had paid him reverence to her satisfaction, she bid her children provide fodder for his mule, for she saw the animal was in a lather and seriously jaded. "Madam, I am General Roger Potter, ruler over this nation. Being in pursuit of my army, pray tell me if you have seen it straying this way;" spoke the general, with becoming courtesy. But as neither could understand a word the other said, matters became singularly confused, and to all the general"s questions, the good woman would answer by placing her hands to her bosom, looking heavenward with appealing sweetness, and whispering: "Holy virgin!"
"Faith of my mother!" exclaimed the general, as he concealed the condition of his legs with the priest"s gown, "I am not the person she takes me for-that"s certain!" Soon she brought water and washed his feet, combed and perfumed his beard (which was excessively dirty), and indeed bestowed so many little kindnesses that his heart was moved, and he not only shed tears, but said within himself: "Honestly, it is better to have peace and comfort in a cabin like this (for the smiles of this good woman seem to have much of heaven in them), than to rule king over a nation, and live in a palace when there is no safety against being hanged. Truly, I begin to feel that my ambition has made me a great fool." In washing his feet, the good woman discovered the true condition of his raiment, though it was by the merest accident. The good man, she said within herself, has in his anxiety to do penance forgotten to arrange his robes. In the tenderest manner, then, she brought him the breeches and doublet of her dead husband, for whose soul she beseeched him to pray. The application of the garments he readily understood; but for the prayers, the good woman had to accept the will for the deed.
To afford his reverence an opportunity of arranging his clothes, the good woman proceeded to the garden and filled her basket with plantain for his breakfast. Much as the general stood in need of shoes, he sat himself down for a most fortunate gentleman in being able to procure even such raiment; for, said he, what a figure I would cut entering Jolliffee on a mule, and in the hat and gown of a priest. When, therefore, he had breakfasted on plantain and yams, to which a dish of coffee was added, he returned thanks to the good woman, and fearing the priests might be in pursuit of him, bid her an affectionate adieu, mounted his mule, and proceeded on his journey.
Travelling all day under a burning sun, he found the priest"s hat of great service in protecting his brain, which otherwise would have dissolved. When night came he was more than six leagues from Jolliffee, and his mule being much jaded, and himself fatigued, he drew up by the road-side, in a grove of palms, beneath which a spring of crystal water gushed forth and rippled away over the pebbly bottom. The mule having quenched its thirst, the general seated himself beside the spring; and when he had refreshed himself on some crusts and water, gave himself up to contemplation. And the perfect stillness that pervaded the grove (for not a sound was heard, and even the mule seemed to have an instinctive knowledge of his master"s musings, for he baited cautiously of the young gra.s.s) gave to his revery a melancholy turn. His forlorn condition; the many sudden and unforseen misfortunes that had come upon him; the narrow escapes for his life; the many times he had almost dangled at the limb of a tree; and the unnumbered batterings and bruisings he had got while displaying his "military valor"-all flashed across his mind, as if stretched upon a clearly defined panorama, and caused him to heave a deep sigh. What compensation had he got for all these sufferings, which were the result of his ambition? And the answer came to him with the suddenness of lightning-"Ruler over Kalorama, for a day." "Heaven be with me," he sighed; "for now my poverty is perfect. And who would envy my fate, here in a desert, without a friend, and in the raiment of a priest, which if I cast off I shall look like a clown, which will not do for the man who has ruled a kingdom. Therefore, I say, seeing that it is good to be an honest man, that if heaven spare me and get me safely out of this snare, I will go to my home, and there live so good a man that the neighbors shall say, Roger Potter is a Christian. Faith of my father, I begin to have a hate for these rogues of rulers, and would give a dozen kingdoms of the size of Kalorama to be safe beside my good wife Polly. And resolved am I to get to her, so heaven favor my inclinations, and let not death overtake me on the way. As for my employer, if he still persist in gratifying his love for getting kingdoms, why, he can get him another general, for there is no lack of them. Truly, I have had trials enough in his service, and if he say I have not killed enough of the enemy, I can tell him that the commander who can boast of his clean sword is your true hero. I confess, he sent me rascals enough to destroy the morals of a dozen kingdoms or more; but what matters that when I have not a dollar in my pocket to buy shoes to my feet; and even the paltry sum he promised has never seen the way to my pocket. I swear, then, to give up all these longings, and, though stripped of my coat, get speedily to my home, comfort my family, and live like a man."
The forlorn general was interrupted in these reveries by a rustling noise in the bushes. And fearing he might have been discovered by robbers (for he knew they infested that part of the country), he drew up his mule and was about to mount and be off. But a female voice suddenly struck up a song, which rang silvery through the grove, and in such sweet cadences that the very trees seemed enchanted. Pausing, the general stood as if bound in admiration, whilst the priest"s gown dropped from his shoulders, unfortunately leaving him in his doublet and breeches. Looking in the direction of the music, he espied emerging from a cl.u.s.ter of bushes, and tripping gaily towards him, two young persons he would have sworn were lovers, for the man had his arm about the waist of the damsel, a girl just in the bud of womanhood, who looked lovingly into his face, as she sang for his entertainment. I may mention that she was of what novel-writers call medium size, with features exquisitely regular, eyes ravishingly black, and a deep olive complexion, which though charms enough for one, were enhanced by tresses of black, silky hair, that fell down below her waist.
The touching sweetness of the song cheered the general"s heart, and was like a gleam of sunshine lighting up the dark and adverse events of his life. The singer and her companion suddenly stopped, and as the thrills of her song died away among the whispering branches, they stood gazing fixedly at the newly discovered object in the grove. As the man was not dressed in the garb common to the country, General Roger Potter resolved within himself not to give way to his fears, as perhaps he might be a soldier of his retreating army.
While the lovers, on the other hand, were not a little puzzled as to the true character of the strange figure before them; for while he wore on his head the hat of a priest, his breeches and doublet were those of a mountebank. "Heavenly, stranger, if you be not an enemy, you can render me great service. And as I stand in much need of food and raiment, draw near that I may commend myself to you ;" spoke the general. And so perfect was the stillness of the grove that the words were distinctly echoed to the lovers. Indeed, the man was seen to express surprise and astonishment. But if he was astonished, the general stood confounded when he saw his arms fall from the damsel"s waist, and heard the echo of these words, in return: "Heavens! if my ears do not deceive me, it is our general"s voice."
"Aye, I am General Roger Potter, recently ruler over this kingdom,"
returned the general, in a trembling voice, for he was still more bewildered.
"And yet," rejoined he with the damsel, "it cannot be our general, for he is dressed in the garb of a clown; and may the devil get me if I think he would dress in that style, though it were to get him safe out of the country." Having said this, he was seen to leave the girl sitting upon the trunk of a tree, and to advance a few paces towards the figure in the strange dress. He then paused, and after a searching glance, quickened his pace, and then at the very top of his speed, ran into the other"s arms, crying, "general! general! my good master, let our meeting here be set down for a miracle, for I have much need to ask your forgiveness."