The visit of Moore has been an agreeable variety to my monotonous life. I see few people--Lord Dillon, G. Paul, the Robinsons, _voila tout_.
MRS. Sh.e.l.lEY TO MRS. HOGG.
Since Monday I have been ceaselessly occupied by the scene begun and interrupted, which filled me with a pain that now thrills me as I revert to it. I then strove to speak, but your tears overcame me, whilst the struggle gave me an appearance of coldness.
If I revert to my devotion to you, it is to prove that no worldly motives could estrange me from the partner of my miseries. Often, having you at Kentish Town, I have wept from the overflow of affection; often thanked G.o.d who had given you to me. Could any but yourself have destroyed such engrossing and pa.s.sionate love? And what are the consequences of the change?
When first I heard that you did not love me, every hope of my life deserted me. The depression I sank under, and to which I am now a prey, undermines my health. How many hours this dreary winter I have paced my solitary room, driven nearly to madness, and I could not expel from my mind the memories of harrowing import that one after another intruded themselves! It was not long ago that, eagerly desiring death, though death should only be oblivion, I thought that how to purchase oblivion of what was revealed to me last July, a tortuous death would be a bed of roses.
Do not ask me, I beseech you, a detail of the revelations made to me. Some of those most painful you made to several; others, of less import, but which tended more, perhaps, than the more important to show that you loved me not, were made only to two.
I could not write of these, far less speak of them. If any doubt remain on your mind as to what I know, write to Isabel,[10] and she will inform you of the extent of her communication to me. I have been an altered being since then; long I thought that almost a deathblow was given, so heavily and unremittingly did the thought press on and sting me; but one lives on through all to be a wreck.
Though I was conscious that, having spoken of me as you did, you could not love me, I could not easily detach myself from the atmosphere of light and beauty that ever surrounded you. Now I tried to keep you, feeling the while that I had lost you; but you penetrated the change, and I owe it to you not to disguise the cause. What will become of us, my poor girl?
This explains my estrangement. While with you I was solely occupied by endeavouring not to think or feel, for had I done either I should not have been so calm as I daresay I appeared.... Nothing but my Father could have drawn me to town again; his claims only prevent me now from burying myself in the country. I have known no peace since July. I never expect to know it again. Is it not best, then, that you forget the unhappy
M. W. S.?
We hear no more of this painful episode. It did not put a stop to Jane"s intercourse with Mary. Friendship, in the old sense, could never be. But, to the end of Mary"s life, her letters show the tenderness, the half-maternal solicitude she ever felt for the companion and sharer of her deepest affliction.
Another distraction came to her now in the shape of an invitation to Paris, which she accepted, although she was feeling far from well, a fact which she attributed to depression of spirits, but which proved to have quite another cause.
_Journal, April 11_ (1828).--I depart for Paris, sick at heart, yet pining to see my friend (Julia Robinson).
A lady, an intimate friend of hers at this time, who, in a little book called _Traits of Character_, has given a very interesting (though, in some details, inaccurate) sketch of Mary Sh.e.l.ley, says that her visit to Paris was eagerly looked forward to by many. "Honour to the auth.o.r.ess and admiration for the woman awaited her." But, directly after her arrival, she was prostrated on a sick--it was feared, death-bed. Her journal, three months later, tells the sequel.
_Journal, July 8, Hastings._--There was a reason for my depression: I was sickening of the small-pox. I was confined to my bed the moment I arrived in Paris. The nature of my disorder was concealed from me till my convalescence, and I am so easily duped. Health, buoyant and bright, succeeded to my illness. The Parisians were very amiable, and, a monster to look at as I was, I tried to be agreeable, to compensate to them.
The same auth.o.r.ess a.s.serts that neither when she recovered nor ever after was she in appearance the Mary Sh.e.l.ley of the past. She was not scarred by the disease ("which in its natural form she had had in childhood"), but the pearly delicacy and transparency of her skin and the brightness and luxuriance of her soft hair were grievously dimmed.
She bore this trial to womanly vanity well and bravely, for she had that within which pa.s.seth show--high intellectual endowments, and, better still, a true, loving, faithful heart.
The external effects of her illness must, to a great degree, have disappeared in course of time, for those who never knew her till some twenty years later than this revert to their first impression of her in words almost identical with those used by Christy Baxter when, at ninety years of age, she described Mary G.o.dwin at fifteen as "white, bright, and clear."
If, however, she had any womanly vanity at all, it must have been a trial to her that, just now, her old friend Trelawny should return for a few months to England. She did not see him till November, when Clare also arrived, on a flying visit to her native land. But, before their meeting, she had received some characteristic letters from Trelawny.
TRELAWNY TO MRS. Sh.e.l.lEY.
SOUTHAMPTON, _8th July 1828_.
DEAR MARY--My moving about and having had much to do must be my excuse for not writing as often as I should do. That it is but an excuse I allow; the truth would be better, but who nowadays ever thinks of speaking truth? The true reason, then, is that I am getting old, and writing has become irksome. You cannot plead either, so write on, dear Mary. I love you sincerely, no one better. Time has not quenched the fire of my nature; my feelings and pa.s.sions burn fierce as ever, and will till they have consumed me. I wear the burnished livery of the sun.
To whom am I a neighbour? and near whom? I dwell amongst tame and civilised human beings, with somewhat the same feelings as we may guess the lion feels when, torn from his native wilderness, he is tortured into domestic intercourse with what Shakespeare calls "forked animals," the most abhorrent to his nature.
You see by this how little my real nature is altered, but now to reply to yours. I cannot decidedly say or fix a period of our meeting. It shall be soon, if you stay there, at Hastings; but I have business on hand I wish to conclude, and now that I can see you when I determine to do so, I, as you see, postpone the engagement because it is within my grasp. Such is the perverseness of human nature! Nevertheless, I will write, and I pray you to do so likewise. You are my dear and long true friend, and as such I love you.--Yours, dear,
TRELAWNY.
I shall remain ten or twelve days here, so address Southampton; it is enough.
TRELAWNY TO MRS. Sh.e.l.lEY.
TREWITHEN, _September 1828_.
DEAR MARY--I really do not know why I am everlastingly boring you with letters. Perhaps it is to prevent you forgetting me; or to prove to you that I do not forget you; or I like it, which is a woman"s reason....
How is Jane (Hogg)? Do remember me kindly to her. I hope you are friends, and that I shall see her in town. I have no right to be discontented or fastidious when she is not. I trust she is contented with her lot; if she is, she has an advantage over most of us. Death and Time have made sad havoc amongst my old friends here; they are never idle, and yet we go on as if they concerned us not, and thus dream our lives away till we wake no more, and then our bodies are thrown into a hole in the earth, like a dead dog"s, that infects the atmosphere, and the void is filled up, and we are forgotten.
Can such things be, and overcome us like a summer cloud, without our special wonder?...
Trelawny"s visit to England was of short duration. Before the end of the next February (1829) he was in Florence, overflowing with new plans, and, as usual, imparting them eagerly, certain of sympathy, to Mrs. Sh.e.l.ley.
His renewed intercourse with her had led to no diminution of friendship.
He may have found her even more attractive than when she was younger; more equable in spirits, more lenient in her judgments, her whole disposition mellowed and ripened in the stern school of adversity.
Their correspondence, which for two or three years was very frequent, opened, however, with a difference of opinion. Trelawny was ambitious of writing Sh.e.l.ley"s biography, and wanted Mary to help him by giving him the facts for it.
TRELAWNY TO MRS. Sh.e.l.lEY.
POSTE RESTANTE, FLORENCE, _11th March 1829_.
DEAR MARY--I arrived here some sixteen or seventeen days back. I travelled in a very leisurely way; whilst on the road I used expedition, but I stayed at Lyons, Turin, Genoa, and Leghorn. I have taken up my quarters with Brown. I thought I should get a letter here from you or Clare, but was disappointed. The letter you addressed to Paris I received; tell Clare I was pained at her silence, yet though she neglects to write to me, I shall not follow her example, but will write her in a few days.
My princ.i.p.al object in writing to you now is to tell you that I am actually writing my own life. Brown and Landor are spurring me on, and are to review it sheet by sheet, as it is written; moreover, I am commencing as a tribute of my great love for the memory of Sh.e.l.ley his life and moral character. Landor and Brown are in this to have a hand, therefore I am collecting every information regarding him. I always wished you to do this, Mary; if you will not, as of the living I love him and you best, incompetent as I am, I must do my best to show him to the world as I found him. Do you approve of this? Will you aid in it? without which it cannot be done. Will you give doc.u.ments? Will you write anecdotes? or--be explicit on this, dear--give me your opinion; if you in the least dislike it, say so, and there is an end of it; if on the contrary, set about doing it without loss of time. Both this and my life will be sent you to peruse and approve or alter before publication, and I need not say that you will have free scope to expunge all you disapprove of.
I shall say no more till I get your reply to this.
The winter here, if ten or twelve days somewhat cold can be called winter, has been clear, dry, and sunny; ever since my arrival in Italy I have been sitting without fire, and with open windows. Come away, dear Mary, from the horrible climate you are in; life is not endurable where you are.
Florence is very gay, and a weight was taken from my mind, and body too, in getting on this side of the Alps. Heaven and h.e.l.l cannot be very much more dissimilar....
You may suppose I have now writing enough without scrawling long letters, so pardon this short one, dear Mary, from your affectionate
E. J. TRELAWNY.
_P.S._--Love to Clare.
MRS. Sh.e.l.lEY TO TRELAWNY.
_April 1829._
MY DEAR TRELAWNY--Your letter reminded me of my misdeeds of omission, and of not writing to you as I ought, and it a.s.sured me of your kind thoughts in that happy land where as angels in heaven you can afford pity to us Arctic islanders. It is too bad, is it not, that when such a Paradise does exist as fair Italy, one should be chained here, without the infliction of such absolutely cold weather? I have never suffered a more ungenial winter. Winter it is still; a cold east wind has prevailed the last six weeks, making exercise in the open air a positive punishment. This is truly English; half a page about the weather, but here this subject has every importance; is it fine? you guess I am happy and enjoying myself; is it as it always is? you know that one is fighting against a domestic enemy which saps at the very foundations of pleasure.