WILLIAM G.o.dWIN.
Mary felt the truth of what her father said, but, wounded and embittered as she was, she had little heart for framing plans.
_Journal, February 24._--Evils throng around me, my beloved, and I have indeed lost all in losing thee. Were it not for my child, this would be rather a soothing reflection, and, if starvation were my fate, I should fulfil that fate without a sigh. But our child demands all my care now that you have left us. I must be all to him: the Father, death has deprived him of; the relations, the bad world permits him not to have. What is yet in store for me? Am I to close the eyes of our boy, and then join you?
The last weeks have been spent in quiet. Study could not give repose to, but somewhat regulated, my thoughts. I said: "I lead an innocent life, and it may become a useful one. I have talent, I will improve that talent; and if, while meditating on the wisdom of ages, and storing my mind with all that has been recorded of it, any new light bursts upon me, or any discovery occurs that may be useful to my fellows, then the balm of utility may be added to innocence.
What is it that moves up and down in my soul, and makes me feel as if my intellect could master all but my fate? I fear it is only youthful ardour--the yet untamed spirit which, wholly withdrawn from the hopes, and almost from the affections of life, indulges itself in the only walk free to it, and, mental exertion being all my thought except regret, would make me place my hopes in that. I am indeed become a recluse in thought and act; and my mind, turned heavenward, would, but for my only tie, lose all commune with what is around me. If I be proud, yet it is with humility that I am so. I am not vain. My heart shakes with its suppressed emotions, and I flag beneath the thoughts that oppress me.
Each day, as I have taken my solitary walk, I have felt myself exalted with the idea of occupation, improvement, knowledge, and peace.
Looking back to my life as a delicious dream, I steeled myself as well as I could against such severe regrets as should overthrow my calmness. Once or twice, pausing in my walk, I have exclaimed in despair, "Is it even so?" yet, for the most part resigned, I was occupied by reflection--on those ideas you, my beloved, planted in my mind--and meditated on our nature, our source, and our destination.
To-day, melancholy would invade me, and I thought the peace I enjoyed was transient. Then that letter came to place its seal on my prognostications. Yet it was not the refusal, or the insult heaped upon me, that stung me to tears. It was their bitter words about our Boy. Why, I live only to keep him from their hands. How dared they dream that I held him not far more precious than all, save the hope of again seeing you, my lost one. But for his smiles, where should I now be?
Stars that shine unclouded, ye cannot tell me what will be--yet I can tell you a part. I may have misgivings, weaknesses, and momentary lapses into unworthy despondency, but--save in devotion towards my Boy--fortune has emptied her quiver, and to all her future shafts I oppose courage, hopelessness of aught on this side, with a firm trust in what is beyond the grave.
Visit me in my dreams to-night, my beloved Sh.e.l.ley! kind, loving, excellent as thou wert! and the event of this day shall be forgotten.
_March 19._--As I have until now recurred to this book to discharge into it the overflowings of a mind too full of the bitterest waters of life, so will I to-night, now that I am calm, put down some of my milder reveries; that, when I turn it over, I may not only find a record of the most painful thoughts that ever filled a human heart even to distraction.
I am beginning seriously to educate myself; and in another place I have marked the scope of this somewhat tardy education, intellectually considered. In a moral point of view, this education is of some years"
standing, and it only now takes the form of seeking its food in books.
I have long accustomed myself to the study of my own heart, and have sought and found in its recesses that which cannot embody itself in words--hardly in feelings. I have found strength in the conception of its faculties; much native force in the understanding of them; and what appears to me not a contemptible penetration in the subtle divisions of good and evil. But I have found less strength of self-support, of resistance to what is vulgarly called temptation; yet I think also that I have found true humility (for surely no one can be less presumptuous than I), an ardent love for the immutable laws of right, much native goodness of emotion, and purity of thought.
Enough, if every day I gain a profounder knowledge of my defects, and a more certain method of turning them to a good direction.
Study has become to me more necessary than the air I breathe. In the questioning and searching turn it gives to my thoughts, I find some relief to wild reverie; in the self-satisfaction I feel in commanding myself, I find present solace; in the hope that thence arises, that I may become more worthy of my Sh.e.l.ley, I find a consolation that even makes me less wretched than in my most wretched moments.
_March 30._--I have now finished part of the _Odyssey_. I mark this. I cannot write. Day after day I suffer the most tremendous agitation. I cannot write, or read, or think. Whether it be the anxiety for letters that shakes a frame not so strong as. .h.i.therto--whether it be my annoyances here--whether it be my regrets, my sorrow, and despair, or all these--I know not; but I am a wreck.
A letter from Trelawny gladdened her heart. It said--
I must confess I am to blame in not having sooner written, particularly as I have received two letters from you here. Nothing particular has happened to me since our parting but a desperate a.s.sault of Maremma fever, which had nearly reunited me to my friends, or, as Iago says, removed me. On my arrival here, my first object was to see the grave of the n.o.ble Sh.e.l.ley, and I was most indignant at finding him confusedly mingled in a heap with five or six common vagabonds. I instantly set about removing this gross neglect, and selecting the only interesting spot. I enclosed it apart from all possibility of sacrilegious intrusion, and removed his ashes to it, placed a stone over it, am now planting it, and have ordered a granite to be prepared for myself, which I shall place in this beautiful recess (of which the enclosed is a drawing I took), for when I am dead, I have none to do me this service, so shall at least give one instance in my life of proficiency.
In reply Mary wrote informing him of her change of plan, and begging for all minute details about the tomb, which she was not likely, now, to see.
Trelawny was expecting soon to rejoin Byron at Genoa, but he wrote at once.
TRELAWNY TO MRS. Sh.e.l.lEY.
ROME, _27th April 1823_.
DEAR MARY--I should have sooner replied to your last, but that I concluded you must have seen Roberts, who is or ought to be at Genoa.
He will tell you that the ashes are buried in the new enclosed Protestant burying-ground, which is protected by a wall and gates from every possible molestation, and that the ashes are so placed apart, and yet in the centre and most conspicuous spot of the burying-ground.
I have just planted six young cypresses and four laurels, in front of the recess you see by the drawing is formed by two projecting parts of the old ruin. My own stone, a plain slab till I can decide on some fitting inscription, is placed on the left hand. I have likewise dug my grave, so that, when I die, there is only to lift up my coverlet and roll me into it. You may lie on the other side, if you like. It is a lovely spot. The only inscription on Sh.e.l.ley"s stone, besides the _Cor cordium_ of Hunt, are the lines I have added from Shakespeare--
Nothing of him that doth fade, But doth suffer a sea-change Into something rich and strange.
This quotation, by its double meaning, alludes both to the manner of his death and his genius, and I think the element on which his soul took wing, and the subtle essence of his being mingled, may still retain him in some other shape. The waters may keep the dead, as the earth may, and fire and air. His pa.s.sionate fondness might have been from some secret sympathy in their natures. Thence the fascination which so forcibly attracted him, without fear or caution, to trust an element almost all others hold in superst.i.tious dread, and venture as cautiously on as they would in a lair of lions. I have just compiled an epitaph for Keats and sent it to Severn, who likes it much better than the one he had designed. He had already designed a lyre with only two of the strings strung, as indicating the unaccomplished maturity and ripening of his genius. He had intended a long inscription about his death having been caused by the _neglect_ of his countrymen, and that, as a mark of his displeasure, he said--thus and then. What I wished to subst.i.tute is simply thus--
Here lies the spoils of a Young English Poet, "Whose master-hand is cold, whose silver lyre unstrung,"
And by whose desire is inscribed, That his name was writ in water.
The line quoted, you remember, is in Sh.e.l.ley, _Adonais_, and the last Keats desired might be engraved on his tomb. Ask Hunt if he thinks it will do, and to think of something to put on my ante-dated grave. I am very anxious to hear how Marianne is getting on, and Hunt. You never mention a word of them or the _Liberal_.
I have been delayed here longer than I had intended, from want of money, having lent and given it away thoughtlessly. However, old Dunn has sent me a supply, so I shall go on to Florence on Monday. I will a.s.suredly see you before you go, and, if my exchequer is not exhausted, go part of the way with you. However, I will write further on this topic at Florence. Do not go to England, to encounter poverty and bitter retrospections. Stay in Italy. I will most gladly share my income with you, and if, under the same circ.u.mstances, you would do the same by me, why then you will not hesitate to accept it. I know of nothing would give me half so much pleasure. As you say, in a few years we shall both be better off. Commend me to Marianne and Hunt, and believe me, yours affectionately,
E. TRELAWNY.
Poste Restante a Genes.
You need not tell me that all your thoughts are concentrated on the memory of your loss, for I have observed it, with great regret and some astonishment. You tell me nothing in your letters of how the _Liberal_ is getting on. Why do you not send me a number? How many have come out? Does Hunt stay at Genoa the summer, and what does Lord Byron determine on? I am told the _Bolivar_ is lent to some one, and at sea. Where is Jane? and is Mrs. Hunt likely to recover? I shall certainly go on to Switzerland if I can raise the wind.
MARY Sh.e.l.lEY TO TRELAWNY.
_10th May 1823._
MY DEAR TRELAWNY--You appear to have fulfilled my entire wish in all you have done at Rome. Do you remember the day you made that quotation from Shakespeare in our living room at Pisa? Mine own Sh.e.l.ley was delighted with it, and thus it has for me a pleasing a.s.sociation. Some time hence I may visit the spot which, of all others, I desire most to see.
It is not on my own account, my excellent friend, that I go to England. I believe that my child"s interests will be best consulted by my return to that country....
Desiring solitude and my books only, together with the consciousness that I have one or two friends who, although absent, still think of me with affection, England of course holds out no inviting prospect to me. But I am sure to be rewarded in doing or suffering for my little darling, so I am resigned to this last act, which seems to snap the sole link which bound the present to the past, and to tear aside the veil which I have endeavoured to draw over the desolations of my situation. Your kindness I shall treasure up to comfort me in future ill. I shall repeat to myself, I have such a friend, and endeavour to deserve it.
Do you go to Greece? Lord Byron continues in the same mind. The G---- is an obstacle, and certainly her situation is rather a difficult one.
But he does not seem disposed to make a mountain of her resistance, and he is far more able to take a decided than a petty step in contradiction to the wishes of those about him. If you do go, it may hasten your return hither. I remain until Mrs. Hunt"s confinement is over; had it not been for that, the fear of a hot journey would have caused me to go in this month,--but my desire to be useful to her, and my anxiety concerning the event of so momentous a crisis has induced me to stay. You may think with what awe and terror I look forward to the decisive moment, but I hope for the best. She is as well, perhaps better, than we could in any way expect.
I had no opportunity to send you a second No. of the _Liberal_; we only received it a short time ago, and then you were on the wing: the third number has come out, and we had a copy by post. It has little in it we expected, but it is an amusing number, and L. B. is better pleased with it than any other....
I trust that I shall see you soon, and then I shall hear all your news. I shall see you--but it will be for so short a time--I fear even that you will not go to Switzerland; but these things I must not dwell upon,--partings and separations, when there is no circ.u.mstance to lessen any pang. I must brace my mind, not enervate it, for I know I shall have much to endure.
I asked Hunt"s opinion about your epitaph for Keats; he said that the line from _Adonais_, though beautiful in itself, might be applied to any poet, in whatever circ.u.mstances or whatever age, that died; and that to be in accord with the two-stringed lyre, you ought to select one that alluded to his youth and immature genius. A line to this effect you might find in _Adonais_.
Among the fragments of my lost Sh.e.l.ley, I found the following poetical commentary on the words of Keats,--not that I recommend it for the epitaph, but it may please you to see it.
Here lieth one, whose name was writ in water, But, ere the breath that could erase it blew, Death, in remorse for that fell slaughter, Death, the immortalising winter, flew Athwart the stream, and time"s mouthless torrent grew A scroll of crystal, emblazoning the name Of Adonais.
I have not heard from Jane lately; she was well when she last wrote, but annoyed by various circ.u.mstances, and impatient of her lengthened stay in England. How earnestly do I hope that Edward"s brother will soon arrive, and show himself worthy of his affinity to the n.o.ble and unequalled creature she has lost, by protecting one to whom protection is so necessary, and shielding her from some of the ills to which she is exposed.
Adieu, my dear Trelawny. Continue to think kindly of me, and trust in my unalterable friendship.
MARY Sh.e.l.lEY.
Albaro, 10th May.