[Footnote 12: Then I proclaimed a fast, to seek of G.o.d a right way for us, and for our little ones, and for all our substance.--Ezra viii. 21.]
On March 19, 1829, I landed in London. Soon after my arrival, I heard one of the brethren speak of Mr. Groves, a dentist, who, for the Lord"s sake, had given up his profession, which brought him in at least 1,500[13] a year, and who intended to go as a missionary to Persia, with his wife and children, simply trusting in the Lord for temporal supplies. This made such an impression on me, and delighted me so, that I not only marked it down in my journal, but also wrote about it to my German friends.
[Footnote 13: To avoid the necessity of reducing the sums named to federal money, it may be stated that a pound (.) is equal to about $4.88, a sovereign to the same, a shilling (s.) to about 28 cts. and a penny (d.) to 2 cts. For convenience of computation, when exactness is not required, we may call the pound $5.00, and the shilling 25 cts.--ED.]
I came to England weak in body, and, in consequence of much study, as I suppose, I was taken ill on May 15, and was soon, at least in my own estimation, apparently beyond recovery. The weaker I became in body, the happier I was in spirit. Never in my whole life had I seen myself so vile, so guilty, so altogether what I ought not to have been, as at this time. It was as if every sin of which I had been guilty was brought to my remembrance; but at the same time I could realize that all my sins were completely forgiven,--that I was washed and made clean, completely clean, in the blood of Jesus. The result of this was great peace. I longed exceedingly to depart and be with Christ. When my medical attendant came to see me, my prayer was something like this: "Lord, thou knowest that he does not know what is for my real welfare, therefore do thou direct him." When I took my medicine, my hearty prayer each time was something like this: "Lord, thou knowest that this medicine is in itself nothing, no more than as if I were to take a little water. Now please, O Lord, to let it produce the effect which is for my real welfare, and for thy glory. Let me either be taken soon to thyself, or let me be soon restored; let me be ill for a longer time, and then taken to thyself, or let me be ill for a longer time, and then restored. O Lord, do with me as seemeth thee best!"
After I had been ill about a fortnight, my medical attendant unexpectedly p.r.o.nounced me better. As I recovered but slowly, my friends entreated me to go into the country for change of air. I thought that it might be the will of G.o.d that I should do so, and I prayed therefore thus to the Lord: "Lord, I will gladly submit myself to thy will, and go, if thou wilt have me to go. And now let me know thy will by the answer of my medical attendant. If, in reply to my question, he says it would be very good for me, I will go; but if he, says it is of no great importance, then I will stay." When I asked him, he said that it was the best thing I could do. I was then enabled willingly to submit, and accordingly went to Teignmouth.
A few days after my arrival at Teignmouth, the chapel, called Ebenezer, was reopened, and I attended the opening. I was much impressed by one of those who preached on the occasion. For though I did not like all he said, yet I saw a gravity and solemnity in him different from the rest.
After he had preached, I had a great desire to know more of him; and, being invited by two brethren of Exmouth, in whose house he was staying, to spend some time with them, I had an opportunity of living ten days with him under the same roof. It was at this time that G.o.d began to show me that his word alone is our standard of judgment in spiritual things; that it can be explained only by the Holy Spirit; and that in our day, as well as in former times, he is the teacher of his people. The office of the Holy Spirit I had not experimentally understood before that time.
Indeed, of the office of each of the blessed persons, in what is commonly called the Trinity, I had no experimental apprehension. I had not before seen from the Scriptures that the Father chose us before the foundation of the world; that in him that wonderful plan of our redemption originated, and that he also appointed all the means by which it was to be brought about. Further, that the Son, to save us, had fulfilled the law, to satisfy its demands, and with it also the holiness of G.o.d; that he had borne the punishment due to our sins, and had thus satisfied the justice of G.o.d. And, further, that the Holy Spirit alone can teach us about our state by nature, show us the need of a Saviour, enable us to believe in Christ, explain to us the Scriptures, help us in preaching, etc. It was my beginning to understand this latter point in particular which had a great effect on me; for the Lord enabled me to put it to the test of experience, by laying aside commentaries, and almost every other book, and simply reading the word of G.o.d and studying it. The result of this was, that the first evening that I shut myself into my room, to give myself to prayer and meditation over the Scriptures, I learned more in a few hours than I had done during a period of several months previously. _But the particular difference was, that I received real strength for my soul in doing so._ I now began to try by the test of the Scriptures the things which I had learned and seen, and found that only those principles which stood the test were really of value.
My stay in Devonshire was most profitable to my soul. My prayer had been, before I left London, that the Lord would be pleased to bless my journey to the benefit of my body and soul. In the beginning of September I returned to London, much better in body; and as to my soul, the change was so great that it was like a second conversion. After my return to London, I sought to benefit my brethren in the seminary, and the means which I used were these: I proposed to them to meet together every morning from six to eight for prayer and reading the Scriptures; and that then each of us should give out what he might consider the Lord had shown him to be the meaning of the portion read. One brother in particular was brought into the same state as myself; and others, I trust, were more or less benefited. Several times, when I went to my room after family prayer in the evening, I found communion with G.o.d so sweet that I continued in prayer till after twelve, and then, being full of joy, went into the room of the brother just referred to; and finding him also in a similar frame of heart, we continued praying until one or two; and even then I was a few times so full of joy that I could scarcely sleep, and at six in the morning again called the brethren together for prayer.
After I had been for about ten days in London, and had been confined to the house on account of my studies, my health began again to decline; and I saw that it would not be well, my poor body being only like a wreck or brand brought out of the devil"s service, to spend my little remaining strength in study, but that I now ought to set about actual engagement in the Lord"s work. I wrote to the committee of the Society, requesting them to send me out at once; and, that they might do so more comfortably, to send me as a fellow-laborer with an experienced brother.
However, I received no answer.
After having waited about five or six weeks, in the mean time seeking, in one way or other, to labor for the Lord, it struck me that, considering myself called by the Lord to preach the gospel, I ought to begin at once to labor among the Jews in London, whether I had the t.i.tle of missionary or not. In consequence of this, I distributed tracts among the Jews, with my name and residence written on them, thus inviting them to conversation about the things of G.o.d; preached to them in those places where they most numerously collect together; read the Scriptures regularly with about fifty Jewish boys; and became a teacher in a Sunday school. In this work I had much enjoyment, and the honor of being reproached and ill-treated for the name of Jesus. But the Lord gave me grace, never to be kept from the work by any danger, or the prospect of any suffering.
Mr. Muller was led, toward the close of 1829, to doubt the propriety of continuing under the patronage of the London Society. It seemed to him unscriptural for a servant of Christ to put himself under the control and direction of any one but the Lord. A correspondence with the Society, evincing on his part, and on their part, entire kindness and love, resulted in a dissolution of his relation to them. He was left free to preach the gospel wherever Providence might open the way.
On December 30, I went to Exmouth, where I intended to spend a fortnight in the house of some Christian friends. I arrived at Exmouth on December 31, at six in the evening, an hour before the commencement of a prayer-meeting at Ebenezer Chapel. My heart was burning with a desire to tell of the Lord"s goodness to my soul. Being, however, not called on, either to speak or pray, I was silent. The next morning, I spoke on the difference between being _a Christian_ and _a happy Christian_, and showed whence it generally comes that we rejoice so little in the Lord.
This, my first testimony, was blessed to many believers, that G.o.d, as it appears, might show me that he was with me. At the request of several believers, I spoke again in the afternoon, and also proposed a meeting in the chapel every morning at ten, to expound the epistle to the Romans. The second day after my arrival, a brother said to me, "I have been praying for this month past that the Lord would do something for Lympstone, a large parish where there is little spiritual light. There is a Wesleyan chapel, and I doubt not you would be allowed to preach there." Being ready to speak of Jesus wherever the Lord might open a door, yet so that I could be faithful to the truths which he had been pleased to teach me, I went, and easily obtained liberty to preach twice on the next day, being the Lord"s day.
CHAPTER IV.
LEANING ON JESUS.
1830-1832.
A DOOR OPENED--TOKENS FOR GOOD--TRUST EXERCISED IN THE STUDY AND MINISTRY OF THE WORD--THE SWORD OF THE SPIRIT--TRUSTING IN G.o.d FOR DAILY BREAD--BLESSEDNESS OF WAITING UPON THE LORD--"OWE NO MAN"--"ACCORDING TO YOUR FAITH BE IT UNTO YOU"--THE GIFT OF FAITH, AND THE GRACE OF FAITH.
After I had preached about three weeks at Exmouth and its neighborhood, I went to Teignmouth, with the intention of staying there ten days, to preach the word among the brethren with whom I had become acquainted during the previous summer, and to tell them of the Lord"s goodness to me. In the evening, Monday, I preached for Brother Craik, at Shaldon, in the presence of three ministers, none of whom liked the sermon; yet it pleased G.o.d, through it, to bring to the knowledge of his dear Son a young woman. How differently does the Lord judge from man! Here was a particular opportunity for the Lord to get glory to himself. A foreigner was the preacher, with great natural obstacles in the way, for he was not able to speak English with fluency; but he had a desire to serve G.o.d, and was by this time also brought into such a state of heart as to desire that G.o.d alone should have the glory, if any good were done through his instrumentality.
On Tuesday evening, I preached at Ebenezer Chapel, Teignmouth, the same chapel at the opening of which I became acquainted with the brother whom the Lord had afterwards used as an instrument of benefiting me so much.
During the week ensuing, Mr. M. preached almost daily at the same place, a blessing attending his labors.
By this time, the request that I might stay at Teignmouth, and be the minister of the above chapel, had been repeatedly expressed by an increasing number of the brethren; but others were decidedly against my remaining there. This opposition was instrumental in settling it in my mind that I should stay for a while, at least until I was formally rejected.
I preached again three times on the Lord"s day, none saying we wish you not to preach, though many of the hearers did not hear with enjoyment.
Some of them left, and never returned; some left, but returned after a while. Others came to the chapel who had not been in the habit of attending there previous to my coming. There was a great stir, a spirit of inquiry, and a searching of the Scriptures, whether these things were so. And, what is more than all, G.o.d set his seal upon the work, in converting sinners. Twelve weeks I stood in this same position, whilst the Lord graciously supplied my temporal wants, through two brethren, unasked for. After this time, the whole little church, eighteen in number, unanimously gave me an invitation to become their pastor. They offered to supply my temporal wants by giving me fifty-five pounds a year, which sum was afterwards somewhat increased, on account of the increase of the church.
That which I now considered the best mode of preparation for the public ministry of the word, no longer adopted from necessity, on account of want of time, but from deep conviction, and from the experience of G.o.d"s blessing upon it, both as it regards my own enjoyment, the benefit of the saints, and the conversion of sinners, is as follows: First, I do not presume to know myself what is best for the hearers, and I therefore ask the Lord, in the first place, that he would graciously be pleased to teach me on what subject I shall speak, or what portion of his word I shall expound. Now, sometimes it happens that, previous to my asking him, a subject or pa.s.sage has been in my mind, on which it has appeared well for me to speak. In that case, I ask the Lord whether I should speak on this subject or pa.s.sage. If, after prayer, I feel persuaded that I should, I fix upon it, yet so that I would desire to leave myself open to the Lord to change it if he please. Frequently, however, it occurs that I have no text or subject in my mind, before I give myself to prayer for the sake of ascertaining the Lord"s will concerning it. In this case, I wait some time on my knees for an answer, trying to listen to the voice of the Spirit to direct me. If, then, a pa.s.sage or subject, whilst I am on my knees, or after I have finished praying for a text, is brought to my mind, I again ask the Lord, and that sometimes repeatedly, especially if, humanly speaking, the subject or text should be a peculiar one, whether it be his will that I should speak on such a subject or pa.s.sage. If, after prayer, my mind is peaceful about it, I take this to be the text, but still desire to leave myself open to the Lord for direction, should he please to alter it, or should I have been mistaken. Frequently, also, in the third place, it happens that I not only have no text nor subject on my mind previous to my praying for guidance in this matter, but also I do not obtain one after once, or twice, or more times praying about it. I used formerly at times to be much perplexed when this was the case, but, for more than twenty years, it has pleased the Lord, in general at least, to keep me in peace about it. What I do is, to go on with my regular reading of the Scriptures, where I left off the last time, praying (whilst I read) for a text, now and then also laying aside my Bible for prayer, till I get one. Thus it has happened that I have had to read five, ten, yea, twenty chapters, before it has pleased the Lord to give me a text; yea, many times I have even had to go to the place of meeting without one, and obtained it, perhaps, only a few minutes before I was going to speak; but I have never lacked the Lord"s a.s.sistance at the time of preaching, provided I had earnestly sought it in private. The preacher cannot know the particular state of the various individuals who compose the congregation, nor what they require, but the Lord knows it; and if the preacher renounces his own wisdom, he will be a.s.sisted by the Lord; but if he will choose in his own wisdom, then let him not be surprised if he should see little benefit result from his labors.
Before I leave this part of the subject, I would just observe one temptation concerning the choice of a text. We may see a subject to be so very full that it may strike us it would do for some other occasion.
For instance, sometimes a text brought to one"s mind for a week-evening meeting may appear more suitable for the Lord"s day, because then there would be a greater number of hearers present. Now, in the first place, we do not know whether the Lord ever will allow us to preach on another Lord"s day; and, in the second place, we know not whether that very subject may not be especially suitable for some or many individuals present just that week-evening. Thus I was once tempted, after I had been a short time at Teignmouth, to reserve a subject which had been just opened to me for the next Lord"s day. But being able, by the grace of G.o.d, to overcome the temptation by the above reasons, and preaching about it at once, it pleased the Lord to bless it to the conversion of a sinner, and that, too, an individual who meant to come but that once more to the chapel, and to whose case the subject was most remarkably suited.
2. Now, when the text has been obtained in the above way, whether it be one, or two, or more verses, or a whole chapter or more, I ask the Lord that he would graciously be pleased to teach me by his Holy Spirit whilst meditating over it. Within the last twenty-five years, I have found it the most profitable plan to meditate with my pen in my hand, writing down the outlines as the word is opened to me. This I do, not for the sake of committing them to memory, nor as if I meant to say nothing else, but for the sake of clearness, as being a help to see how far I understand the pa.s.sage. I also find it useful afterwards to refer to what I have thus written. I very seldom use any other help besides the little I understand of the original of the Scriptures, and some good translations in other languages. My chief help is prayer. I have NEVER in my life begun to study one single part of divine truth without gaining some light about it when I have been able really to give myself to prayer and meditation over it. But _that_ I have often found a difficult matter, partly on account of the weakness of the flesh, and partly, also, on account of bodily infirmities and multiplicity of engagements. This I most firmly believe, that no one ought to expect to see much good resulting from his labors in word and doctrine, if he is not much given to prayer and meditation.
3. Having prayed and meditated on the subject or text, I desire to leave myself entirely in the hands of the Lord. I ask him to bring to my mind what I have seen in my closet concerning the subject I am going to speak on, which he generally most kindly does, and often teaches me much additionally whilst I am preaching.
In connection with the above, I must, however, state that it appears to me there is a preparation for the public ministry of the word which is even more excellent than the one spoken of. It is this; to live in such _constant_ and _real_ communion with the Lord, and to be so _habitually_ and _frequently_ in meditation over the truth, that without the above _effort_, so to speak, we have obtained food for others, and know the mind of the Lord as to the subject or the portion of the word on which we should speak.
That which I have found most beneficial in my experience for the last twenty-six years in the public ministry of the word, is _expounding_ the Scriptures, and especially the going now and then through a whole gospel or epistle. This may be done in a twofold way, either by entering minutely into the bearing of every point occurring in the portion, or by giving the general outlines, and thus leading the hearers to see the meaning and connection of the whole. The benefits which I have seen resulting from _expounding_ the Scriptures, are these: 1. The hearers are thus, with G.o.d"s blessing, led to the Scriptures. They find, as it were, _a practical_ use of them in the public meetings. This induces them to bring their Bibles, and I have observed that those who at first did not bring them, have afterwards been induced to do so; so that, in a short time, few (of the believers at least) were in the habit of coming without them. This is no small matter; for everything which in our day will lead believers to value the Scriptures is of importance. 2. The expounding of the Scriptures is in general more beneficial to the hearers than if, on a single verse, or half a verse, or two or three words of a verse, some remarks are made, so that the portion of Scripture is scarcely anything but a motto for the subject; for few have grace to meditate much over the word, and thus exposition may not merely be the means of opening to them the Scriptures, but may also create in them a desire to meditate for themselves. 3. The expounding of the Scriptures leaves to the hearers a connecting link, so that the reading over again the portion of the word which has been expounded brings to their remembrance what has been said, and thus, with G.o.d"s blessing, leaves a more lasting impression on their minds. This is particularly of importance as it regards the illiterate, who sometimes have neither much strength of memory nor capacity of comprehension. 4. The _expounding_ of large portions of the word as the whole of a gospel or an epistle, besides leading the _hearer_ to see the connection of the whole, has also this particular benefit for the _teacher_, that it leads him, with G.o.d"s blessing, to the consideration of portions of the word which otherwise he might not have considered, and keeps him from speaking too much on favorite subjects, and leaning too much to particular parts of truth, which tendency must surely sooner or later injure both himself and his hearers. Expounding the word of G.o.d brings little honor to the preacher from the _unenlightened_ or _careless_ hearer, but it tends much to the benefit of the hearers in general.
Simplicity in expression, whilst the truth is set forth, is, in connection with what has been said, of the utmost importance. It should be the aim of the teacher to speak so that children, servants, and people who cannot read may be able to understand him, so far as the natural mind can comprehend the things of G.o.d. It ought also to be remembered that there is, perhaps, not a single congregation in which there are not persons of the above cla.s.ses present, and that if _they_ can understand, the well-educated or literary persons will understand likewise; but the reverse does not hold good. It ought further to be remembered that the expounder of the truth of G.o.d speaks for G.o.d, for eternity, and that it is not in the least likely that he will benefit the hearers, except he use plainness of speech, which nevertheless needs not to be vulgar or rude. It should also be considered that if the preacher strive to speak according to the rules of this world, he may please many, particularly those who have a literary taste; but, in the same proportion, he is less likely to become an instrument in the hands of G.o.d for the conversion of sinners, or for the building-up of the saints. For neither eloquence nor depth of thought makes the truly great preacher, but such a life of prayer and meditation and spirituality as may render him a vessel meet for the Master"s use, and fit to be employed both in the conversion of sinners and in the edification of the saints.
Becoming convinced, after a prayerful examination of the Scriptures, that baptism should be administered only by immersion, Mr. Muller was then baptized in the spring of 1830.
It was so usual for me to preach with particular a.s.sistance, especially during the first months of this year, that once, when it was otherwise, it was much noticed by myself and others. The circ.u.mstance was this. One day, before preaching at Teignmouth, I had more time than usual, and therefore prayed and meditated about six hours in preparation for the evening meeting, and I thought I saw many precious truths in the pa.s.sage on which I had meditated. It was the first part of the first chapter of the epistle to the Ephesians. After I had spoken a little time, I felt that I spoke in my own strength, and I, being a foreigner, felt particularly the want of words, which had not been the case before. I told the brethren that I felt I was left to myself, and asked their prayers. But after having continued a little longer, and feeling the same as before, I closed, and proposed that we should have a meeting for prayer, that the Lord still might be pleased to help me. We did so, and I was particularly a.s.sisted the next time.
On October 7, 1830, I was united by marriage to Miss Mary Groves, sister of the brother whose name has already been mentioned. This step was taken after prayer and deliberation, from a full conviction that it was better for me to be married; and I have never regretted since either the step itself or the choice, but desire to be truly grateful to G.o.d for having given me such a wife.
About this time, I began to have conscientious objections against any longer receiving a stated salary. My reasons against it were these:
1. The salary was made up by pew-rents; but pew-rents are, according to James ii. 1-6, against the mind of the Lord, as, in general, the poor brother cannot have so good a seat as the rich. 2. A brother may _gladly_ do something towards my support if left to his own time; but, when the quarter is up, he has perhaps other expenses, and I do not know whether he pays his money grudgingly, and of necessity, or cheerfully; but G.o.d loveth a cheerful giver. Nay, _I knew it to be a fact_ that sometimes it had not been convenient to individuals to pay the money when it had been asked for by the brethren who collected it. 3. Though the Lord had been pleased to give me grace to be faithful, so that I had been enabled not to keep back the truth when he had shown it to me; still, I felt that the pew-rents were a snare to the servant of Christ.
It was a temptation to me, at least for a few minutes, at the time when the Lord had stirred me up to pray and search the word respecting the ordinance of baptism, because thirty pounds of my salary was at stake if I should be baptized.
For these reasons, I stated to the brethren, at the end of October, 1830, that I should for the future give up having any regular salary.
After I had given my reasons for doing so, I read Philippians iv., and told the saints that if they still had a desire to do something towards my support, by voluntary gifts, I had no objection to receive them, though ever so small, either in money or provisions. A few days after, it appeared to me that there was a better way still; for, if I received personally every single gift offered in money, both my own time and that of the donors would be much taken up; and in this way, also, the poor might, through temptation, be kept from offering their pence, a privilege of which they ought not to be deprived; and some also might in this way give more than if it were not known who was the giver, so that it would still be doubtful whether the gift were given grudgingly or cheerfully. For these reasons especially, there was a box put up in the chapel, over which was written that whoever had a desire to do something towards my support might put his offering into the box.
At the same time, it appeared to me right that henceforth I should ask no man, not even my beloved brethren and sisters, to help me, as I had done a few times, according to their own request, as my expenses, on account of travelling much in the Lord"s service, were too great to be met by my usual income. For, unconsciously, I had thus again been led, in some measure, to trust in an arm of flesh, going to man instead of going to the Lord at once. _To come to this conclusion before G.o.d required more grace than to give up my salary._
About the same time, also, my wife and I had grace given to us to take the Lord"s commandment, "Sell that ye have, and give alms," Luke xii.
33, literally, and to carry it out. Our staff and support in this matter were Matthew vi. 19-34, John xiv. 13, 14. We leaned on the arm of the Lord Jesus. It is now twenty-five years since we set out in this way, and _we do not in the least regret the step we then took_. As I have written down how the Lord has been pleased to deal with us since, I shall be able to relate some facts concerning this matter, as far as they may tend to edification.
Nov. 18, 1830. Our money was reduced to about eight shillings. When I was praying with my wife in the morning, the Lord brought to my mind the state of our purse, and I was led to ask him for some money. About four hours after, a sister said to me, "Do you want any money?" "I told the brethren," said I, "dear sister, when I gave up my salary, that I would for the future tell the Lord _only_ about my wants." She replied, "But he has told me to give you some money. About a fortnight ago, I asked him what I should do for him, and he told me to give you some money; and last Sat.u.r.day it came again powerfully to my mind, and has not left me since, and I felt it so forcibly last night that I could not help speaking of it to brother P." My heart rejoiced, seeing the Lord"s faithfulness, but I thought it better not to tell her about our circ.u.mstances, lest she should be influenced to give accordingly; and I also was a.s.sured that, if it were of the Lord, she could not but give. I therefore turned the conversation to other subjects, but when I left she gave me two guineas. We were full of joy on account of the goodness of the Lord. I would call upon the reader to admire the gentleness of the Lord, that he did not try our faith much at the commencement, but allowed us to see his willingness to help us, before he was pleased to try it more fully.
The next Wednesday I went to Exmouth, our money having then again been reduced to about nine shillings. I asked the Lord on Thursday, when at Exmouth, to be pleased to give me some money. On Friday morning, about eight o"clock, whilst in prayer, I was particularly led to ask again for money; and before I rose from my knees I had the fullest a.s.surance that we should have the answer that very day. About nine o"clock I left the brother with whom I was staying, and he gave me half a sovereign, saying, "Take this for the expenses connected with your coming to us." I did not expect to have my expenses paid, but I saw the Lord"s fatherly hand in sending me this money within one hour after my asking him for some. But even then I was so fully a.s.sured that the Lord would send more that very day, or had done so already, that, when I came home about twelve o"clock, I asked my wife whether she had received any letters.
She told me she had received one the day before from a brother in Exeter, with three sovereigns. Thus even my prayer on the preceding day had been answered. The next day one of the brethren came and brought me four pounds, which was due to me of my former salary, but which I could never have expected, as I did not even know that this sum was due to me.
Thus I received, within thirty hours, in answer to prayer, seven pounds ten shillings.
About Christmas, when our money was reduced to a few shillings, I asked the Lord for more; when, a few hours after, there was given to us a sovereign by a brother from Axminster. This brother had heard much against me, and was at last determined to hear for himself, and thus came to Teignmouth, a distance of forty miles; and having heard about our manner of living, gave us this money.
With this closes the year 1830. Throughout it the Lord richly supplied all my temporal wants, though at the commencement of it I had no certain human prospect for one single shilling: so that, even as it regards temporal things, I had not been in the smallest degree a loser in acting according to the dictates of my conscience; and as it regards spiritual things, the Lord had dealt bountifully with me, and had condescended to use me as an instrument in doing his work.
On the 6th, 7th, and 8th of Jan. 1831, I had repeatedly asked the Lord for money, but received none. On the evening of January 8, I left my room for a few minutes, and was then tempted to distrust the Lord, though he had been so gracious to us in that he not only, up to that day, had supplied all our wants, but had given us also those answers of prayer which have been in part just mentioned. I was so sinful, for about five minutes, as to think it would be of no use to trust in the Lord in this way. I also began to say to myself, that I had perhaps gone too far in living in this way. But, thanks to the Lord! this trial lasted but a few minutes. He enabled me again to trust in him, and Satan was immediately confounded; for when I returned to my room, out of which I had not been absent ten minutes, the Lord had sent deliverance. A sister in the Lord had brought us two pounds four shillings: so the Lord triumphed, and our faith was strengthened.
Jan. 10. To-day, when we had again but a few shillings, five pounds were given to us, which had been taken out of the box. I had, once for all, told the brethren, who had the care of these temporal things, to have the kindness to let me have the money every week; but as these beloved brethren either forgot to take it out weekly, or were ashamed to bring it in such small sums, it was generally taken out every three, four, or five weeks. As I had stated to them, however, from the commencement, that I desired to look neither to man nor the box, but to the living G.o.d, I thought it not right on my part to remind them of my request to have the money weekly, lest it should hinder the testimony which I wished to give, of trusting in the living G.o.d alone. It was on this account that on January 28, when we had again but little money, though I had seen the brethren, on January 24, open the box and take out the money, I would not ask the brother, in whose hands it was, to let me have it; but standing in need of it, as our coals were almost gone, I asked the Lord to incline his heart to bring it; and but a little time afterwards it was given to us; even one pound eight shillings and sixpence.
I would here mention, that, since the time I began living in this way, I have been kept from speaking, either directly or indirectly, about my wants, at the time I was in need. The only exception is, that in a few instances, twenty years or more since, I have, at such times, spoken to _very poor_ brethren, in the way of encouraging them to trust in the Lord, telling them that I had to do the same, being myself in similar straits; or, in a few instances, where it was needful to speak about my own want, lest I should appear unfeeling, in that I did not help at all, in cases of distress, or not as much as might have been expected.
On February 14 we had again very little money, and, whilst praying, I was led to ask the Lord graciously to supply our wants; and _the instant that I got up from my knees_ a brother gave me one pound, which had been taken out of the box.