But I find it isn"t as easy to get on with my confession as I thought it would be. I"m nervously inclined to put the cart before the horse. Or, I"m hanged if I"m sure which is the cart and which the horse!
The spell of the moon is upon me still. I feel myself two men--the man who argued you down; the man who wishes you had downed him. I wonder if you remember that night--my last on this side of the water--as well as I do? Can you see us two, after our secret visit to _the_ house, getting into the car? The moon a boat tossing a silver prow high into the blue, and the stars small bright points like sequins flung in the air at an Eastern wedding. Away we go, slipping through Cold Spring Harbor; trees pouring past the car like smoke, hills olive gray in the moonshine; old white houses dreaming of their stately past; young houses wide awake and playing bridge or victrolas; carpets of baby bracken; dark, slumbering forests planted by forgotten Indians; stretches of fair country with pools of moonlight ringed in shadow sh.o.r.es; then, _your_ dear old seafaring town of Huntington, where to-night, by the way, I had a glimpse of your own delightful b.u.t.ter-yellow house as we slipped along the road between your lawn and the water. The weeping willows moving in the breeze looked like silver fountains, and the thick blossoms of the apple orchard might have been a million hovering white moths.
You and I had no such fancies in our heads that night, had we? We didn"t think that each side road we pa.s.sed looked as if it led to fairyland--more fools we! But I was always a fool. I see that now, when my brain is suddenly seized with growing pains.
Just about at Northport you suggested the possibility of my wanting to marry. I thought of that last night, as a glimpse of moonlit water flashed under my eyes, and remembered how I laughed you to scorn. All through those gay and vital young woods which wall the road beyond I continued to idiotize, unable to see dryads dancing in the moonlight (as _she_ and I saw them in the same spot to-night), careless that Nature was distilling magic perfume for us from tree and fern and wild flower, our eyes shut to the fact that elves disguised as Indian lilies were using silvered ponds for mirrors.
Do you remember that lonely graveyard in the woods, relic of some community of early settlers? "I"d as soon be dead and lying there as live the life you want me to live!" said I, with a would-be wise nod of the head as I drove past. But now I see too well that you were the wise one. Why didn"t Nature make me understand myself as I begin to understand now? There must have been the same heart-searching perfume in the woods that night--a blend of locust bloom with wild roses and the bitter-sweet tang of young fox-grape tendrils swinging high among the tree branches. Yet I could do no better than expound to you my dry-as-dust opinions on marriage. Women, according to me, had only one way of making a man happy, and thirty thousand ways of torturing him. I wanted to have inscribed on my tombstone: "What did he do for the good of womankind? He remained a bachelor." Most husbands and wives, I thought, had the air of being married to foreigners whose mentality they could never quite touch. I believed that I was cut out for a bad husband, a disappointing friend, an irritating acquaintance, and that the ends of the earth were the only happy hunting grounds for a wild spirit like mine--places where I could freely dive far down under the surface of myself and swim at ease. Birds in the hand had no brightness of plumage for me. They were always moulting. I coveted the ones that sang farthest away in the bush. "Why have a mad desire to become an ancestor for people you don"t know and may dislike?" I think I remember inquiring of you, as you sagely dilated--at ancient Smithtown--on the notable achievements of a certain Bull Rider Smith for the benefits of his posterity. He was doubtless a smart business man and a good sportsman, to gallop so far and fast on such an animal, when told he could have all the road he could ride round on bull-back in the course of a day. But to me his ambitions seemed futile, and the whole of Long Island less important than a flyspeck on the map of the world. Now, I shouldn"t mind spending my life here, even in _the_ house, though I should prefer an old one; and the Smithtown church with its Cyclopian eye of a clock in a tall Puritanical steeple would exactly suit me to be married in.
As we bowled along the Middle Island Country Road _she_ wanted to know if I had ever driven there before. I had to say "yes" (I couldn"t lie to her), and then she asked an embarra.s.sing question or two. But she was almost pathetically easy to put off, so afraid she was of being overcurious. I would have given a good deal to burst out with the whole truth, in that mood of mine, a mood of exaltation with my soul flaming up like a beacon. But even if I"d seriously thought of speaking, I couldn"t with the back of the car boiling over with handsome giantesses from Colorado--G.o.ddesses from the Garden of the G.o.ds. They were pretty good about not interrupting; but now and again they couldn"t resist breaking in with "Oh, _is_ it our dear old Peconic River again, that gives the name to Riverhead?" or, "_Did_ they call it Jamesport after King James the Second of England?" or, "_Can_ those beautiful black trees in front of that _darling_ white house be Irish yews?" or, "_Don"t_ you think Southold"s the most adorable old town we"ve seen _yet_?" Of course, if my companion on the front seat had catechized me in this way, I should have been charmed to give her all my feeble fund of information concerning Huguenot and English settlers, dates, etc.
(fortunately 1648 will do in most instances!), but it was a little disconcerting to hear these extraneous discords just when my heart was beating well in tune with the oldest song in the world.
You now need no explanation of what has happened to me. Besides, you"ve been expecting it to happen. I knew that, and expected on my part to disappoint you by its _not_ happening. But this Girl Magic has been too much for me. I"ve gone under; and I should be a happy man as the moon sets and the sun rises to-day if only I"d listened to you on that moonlight night before it was too late.
Yet is it too late? That"s what I want to thrash out. Have I locked the door between myself and happiness with such a girl as Patricia Moore, and is the key lost? Or can I with your help find the key, oil the lock, and open the door?
I used to think a very young girl went about--so to speak--with a love letter in her pocket all ready for post except that it wasn"t yet addressed. But this girl isn"t like that. She wouldn"t write the letter till she knew the address she wanted to send it to. All the same I feel the possibility that I _could_ make her care for me.
I suppose I was falling in love with her when I wrote you that I wasn"t.
I thought it was just very pleasant and amusing to be on terms of friendship with such a charming and unique girl. But now--_friendship_!
There"s as much difference between that and love as there is between a photographic copy of a Tintoretto and the original Tintoret itself. When I think of any other man getting Patricia Moore, a link seems to drop right out of my spine. Yet she"s not born for an old maid. Love and a "happy ending" for her story ought to be attached to her like a label.
If I can"t work to get her, some one else will. Caspian is doing it already, but in spite of the money I don"t think she"d ever take him: her instinct finds truth as the needle finds the pole. Three boys are also working; but they"re big babies, with young-chicken-coloured hair and merry, heather-mixture eyes. They talk no language but slang. They come to grief in a preposterous automobile about every ten miles and attract their idol"s attention and startle horses by giving vent to S.
O. S. yells. Whenever they have to enter a room they plunge in as if the door had broken away before them. Their only conception of a "good time"
is ragtime. If one of them shows signs for a moment of having been trained to house manners, his chums taunt him. "None of your Peche Melba airs here!" is the favourite expression. So you"ll agree with me I have a fair field, _if_ I"m permitted to enter. Am I?
Can I undo everything and go back to the days before the revolution?
Would it be fair to others concerned? And that reminds me, whatever happens, young Marcel mustn"t suffer. He has been a complication for some time, but apparently he"s likely to be a more serious one now.
You"d never guess what he"s done, if I gave you a dozen chances, so I"ll sandwich his love story with mine.
_Her_ best friend is named Adrienne de Moncourt, daughter of the widowed Marquise "of that ilk." The said Marquise, from what I gather, is responsible for Miss Moore"s being brought up in France, under her own eye. I shrewdly suspect this was arranged in the hope of attracting our "Beloved Vagabond," Larry, back and forth across the sea. A terrible, man-eating tigress of a lady"s maid has been imported, nominally to take care of Princess Pat, secretly (or I"ll eat my hat) to keep an eye upon and report on Larry"s capers to the Marquise de Moncourt! Since my Princess came to these sh.o.r.es, "a distant cousin from America" has introduced himself to the Marquise. He being young, good looking, and presumably rich, the lady invited him to her chateau to spend Easter.
Mademoiselle came home from school for the holidays. The two met. The name of the rich American cousin is Marcel de Moncourt. The Princess Patricia says that she loves her Adrienne next best to Larry, and she hopes and prays the cousin is all he should be. She asked me to tell her if "_our_ Marcel" had a son. I was obliged to confess that he had; but when she wanted to know if it could possibly be the same, I hedged in every direction. You and Moncourt and I must have a powwow as soon as possible.
You can"t blame me for falling in love, as you always said the thing was inevitable; and you"ll be even less likely to croak if I tell you how it was I first diagnosed the serious state of my feelings.
It was at the dance you got me invited to at the Piping Rock Club--many thanks again. You will deduce that I bought a "reach me down" evening suit before starting on this expedition--first time I"d worried myself into such togs for heaven knows how long. I never thought to be caught by conventions again, but I"d tar and feather my body if that was the costume best suited to _her_ society. You see how I"m turning over new leaves--turning so fast I"ve hardly time to read them as I go on!
As I explained to you in asking the favour, I guessed that Caspian meant to score over me, so I wanted to be the one to do the scoring. I thought if I simply swaggered into the ballroom as one of Caspian"s guests, he was certain to repudiate me, which would have been rather amusing if it hadn"t made me conspicuous. It was, as you remarked, something of a risk to appear at all in such a place on such an occasion, but I"ve trusted to luck so often and come out on the top of the wave (literally!) that I didn"t mind, provided I could jog along quietly, and get in even one dance with my little princess. I felt safe under your respectable wing, and was looking forward to the fun of not exploding if Caspian had laid a fuse to blow me up. But Strickland, think of it, _she_ had been suffering for my sake!
When I went to ask her for our dance, I found her deadly pale. "What is the matter?" I jerked out, actually scared by her whiteness. "Are you faint? Shall I take you into the open air?"
"Oh, please do!" she said; and I whisked her out quickly onto one of those verandas as wide as a room.
"Could we go home?" she asked piteously, but when I suggested making a dash into the ballroom to find her pal, Mrs. Winston, she wouldn"t hear of it. "No," she said, "Molly mustn"t be disturbed. It is nothing.
Only--I should like to go. If you wouldn"t mind."
If I wouldn"t _mind_! It would have been pretty well worth being born for to drive her back alone, just we two in the car, but I dared not take the child at her word. I thought she was too ill to remember Mrs.
Grundy"s silly old existence, and I couldn"t take advantage of her forgetfulness. At the same time it seemed the act of a prig grafted on to a bounder to put the idea into her head, and make her ashamed of having said the wrong thing. You see what a nuisance my conscience is! I petted it so much when it was young, now it won"t stop in its cage. I didn"t know what to say, and felt as if it would be money in my pocket not to have been born, for my spirit had melted in me, as one of those soft capsules melts in your mouth.
I don"t know what I should have said or done, my mental state being that of a hen in front of a motor, if at that instant Mrs. Winston herself hadn"t appeared. It was as if my subconscious self had made a dash and dragged her out by the hair! Winston was with her (as Mrs. Shuster ingenuously remarked one day, "That man is as nice to his wife as if he were somebody else"s husband"), and they came straight to us, marching solemnly, like a deputation.
"Angel child," said Molly (we all think of her as "Molly"), "I noticed you looking a little wan, so Jack and I just waltzed out to see how you were, and also to pat Mr. Storm figuratively on the back."
"Why--what has happened?" inquired the princess almost wildly.
"Such fun! Envy is the sincerest flattery, so Mr. Storm ought to be pleased that Mr. Caspian hasn"t loved him since the day he had his great inspiration about Marcel and Kidd"s Pines. It appears that our vaudevillain (isn"t that a nice name for dear Eddy?) pa.s.sed round the word that Mr. Storm had no invitation to this dance, when all the time he had come on the behest of some fearfully celebrated man in New York every one seems to bow down to. Collapse of the gunpowder plot!"
"Oh, I"m _so_ thankful!" sighed dear Molly"s Angel Child. She clapped her hands and gave a little skip. Then I guessed in a flash why she had looked pale, why she had wanted to get me out of the ballroom, and why she"d been ready to defy old Lady Grundy in order to keep me safe, and avoid hurting the poor secretary-chauffeur"s feelings by telling him what was up. That was the moment, my friend, when I realized that I"d always been wrong and you"d always been right. I knew that the girl lit the world for me.
Again I ask you, What am I going to do about it?
I don"t believe she"s in love with me. It was only that she couldn"t bear to have me humiliated, and was willing to make a sacrifice to save me pain. But I do believe I could make her love me if I tried.
The kind angel as good as admitted the cause of her illness by making a quick recovery and going in with Captain Winston while I followed with his wife. Molly, by the way, almost confessed she"d suspected that Pat was anxious for my welfare, and had come out to relieve the girl"s mind.
Do you wonder at the state of mine? I"m bound to add that my rescue didn"t seem to restore her spirits permanently. She looked rather "wan,"
as Molly said, all the rest of the evening; or it may have been the effect of a green dress she wore. Certainly she was somewhat _piano_ in manner, too; and despite her pal"s slap at Caspian, the princess didn"t treat him as if he were the dragon of the opera. On the contrary, she sat out several dances with him. I bear her no grudge, though! She hadn"t the air of enjoying his society.
We were to have started for Kidd"s Pines the morning after the dance at Piping Rock, but a Mrs. Sam de Silverley (who said she knew you) was moved by curiosity to want me introduced to her. She "pined to see the inside of the Stanislaws house," first hinted and then pleaded to do so, and in return invited the whole of our crowd to a garden party at her place. Some Russian dancers were to "entertain," and the Goodriches--who are seeing life with all their souls--yearned to go. So did our bride and bridegroom, who want their money"s worth of honeymoon; therefore it was arranged that we stay over, and drive home in a moonlight procession.
I am not built for bun worries, be they out of doors or in, and declined on the plea of important work. Besides, I saw by the look in Patsey"s eyes that she also intended to refuse. I hoped that through some remarkable coincidence we might meet in the garden "at home," as we had the day before, but Caspian caught the coincidence this time, so I sulked in the house with man"s most faithful dumb companion, a pipe.
Caspian didn"t stay with my little lady for long, so I hope she refused him and got it over with. Anyhow, she was in a delicious mood all the way to Kidd"s Pines, as you may have a.s.sumed from the tone and indeed the very existence of this letter. We talked of impersonal things, never of ourselves and seldom of each other, and she was not as gay as when we began the trip, yet--never had she been so dear.
I began this letter with a partial promise to abide by your advice; but if you harshly tell me it"s too late to change things, I"m afraid I shall go full speed ahead just the same. I won"t, however, decide till I hear from you--not because I"m patient, but because the girl mustn"t be "rushed" in any case. Besides, I shall very likely not see her to-day. I dropped the party at the door of Kidd"s Pines in the dead middle of the night (forgot to tell you Caspian didn"t come with us, but turned tail and went to New York: _another_ sign!), garaged the Grayles-Grice, and biked to the village. I"ll now try to sleep for an hour or two--less because I"m tired than because I want to dream myself back in the path of the moon, where walks Romance to greet me. My bed here, by the by, usually reminds me of a rack out of commission. But to-day I don"t care.
I shall find it a bed of roses.
Write as soon as you"ve thought things over, please. Or, better still, wire: "Advise yes," or--but I won"t think of the alternative.
Either way, however, I"ll still be yours loyally,
PIETRO.
P.S. Can"t sleep, can"t dream. Something tells me all isn"t well at Kidd"s Pines. I had forebodings before we started that there"d be ructions when we got back, but I"d mislaid them under a thousand other thoughts. Seems a long time ago! But while I was trying to sleep just now, this came into my mind as if a voice spoke it: "Bridge the gulf that parts you from your wish, and you can walk across." I wish it were _your_ voice said that, old man!
P.P.S. Talk of women with their postscripts! They"re not in it with me.
I keep leaping off the gridiron--I mean out of bed--again and again to add a word that threatens to burst my brain if bottled up. This time shall be the last! I only want to a.s.sure you that I"m not brooding over any _coup_ of revenge against Caspian. My personal dislike of him has nothing to do with my att.i.tude, except that the more I see of the worm the more I see what a worm he is. Not only is he unworthy to crawl in the same atmosphere with Miss Moore (don"t smile sarcastically at that expression. I _like_ it!) but he"s more fitted for underground conditions than any caterpillar I ever met. Caterpillars change to b.u.t.terflies. Worms, as far as my knowledge goes, are changeless. I don"t feel revengeful against him. But I don"t feel conscientious and dutiful for a cent!
XII
PATRICIA MOORE TO ADRIENNE DE MONCOURT
CHeRIE:
I have not the heart or the time for a long letter, but I must quickly tell you that our Marcel _has_ a son. I asked P. S. But he seems not to think your new cousin can be the same. Soon, surely, he will himself say everything to you, and open his heart wide. Ah, how I wish you all there is of happiness, the more because I am not to have it myself.
The critics knew better about life than I, you see, Mignonne. Yet I am going to be brave. I have got myself engaged with Mr. Caspian already, since I wrote from the beautiful house. You will think that strange, but it came to happen in a simple way. It was at the dance at the Piping Rock Club. That sounds romantic, is it not? But it was not romantic at all. I just had to do it. Then, after a little while, I was very sorry.
I thought perhaps I need not have made myself this misery. I was not nice to him the rest of that night, and the next day I would not let him take a snapshot of me in the wonderful garden. I said I had a copyright of my own face, if we _were_ engaged! And I hoped that would make him break, but it did not. He was only in the sulks. And he does not look nice in the sulks. I was glad he had to go to New York and not motor home with us in the Grayles-Grice, and I could not be interested when he said in hints that his business in town had something to do with _me_--something I should _like_! I"m sure I cannot like it. And oh, cherie, he has such _slept_ on looking ears, I dare not think of them: too flat, and crinkly at the top like inside lettuce leaves!