"I have not changed my mind," I told him, and then had some difficulty in continuing. "I expect," I said, "to reach Thrums safely, even though I should be caught in the mist, but I shall have to go round by the Kelpie brig in order to get across the river, and it is possible that--that something may befall me."
I have all my life been something of a coward, and my voice shook when I said this, so that Gavin again entreated me to remain at the school-house, saying that if I did not he would accompany me.
"And so increase my danger tenfold?" I pointed out. "No, no, Mr.
Dishart, I go alone; and if I can do nothing with the congregation, I can at least send your mother word that you still live. But if anything should happen to me, I want you----"
But I could not say what I had come back to say. I had meant to ask him, in the event of my death, to take a hundred pounds which were the savings of my life; but now I saw that this might lead to Margaret"s hearing of me, and so I stayed my words. It was bitter to me this, and yet, after all, a little thing when put beside the rest.
"Good-by, Mr. Dishart," I said abruptly. I then looked at my desk, which contained some trifles that were once Margaret"s. "Should anything happen to me," I said, "I want that old desk to be destroyed unopened."
"Mr. Ogilvy," he answered gently, "you are venturing this because you loved my mother. If anything does befall you, be a.s.sured that I will tell her what you attempted for her sake."
I believe he thought it was to make some such request that I had turned back.
"You must tell her nothing about me," I exclaimed, in consternation.
"Swear that my name will never cross your lips before her. No, that is not enough. You must forget me utterly, whether I live or die, lest some time you should think of me and she should read your thoughts.
Swear, man!"
"Must this be?" he said, gazing at me.
"Yes," I answered more calmly, "it must be. For nearly a score of years I have been blotted out of your mother"s life, and since she came to Thrums my one care has been to keep my existence from her. I have changed my burying-ground even from Thrums to the glen, lest I should die before her, and she, seeing the hea.r.s.e go by the Tenements, might ask, "Whose funeral is this?""
In my anxiety to warn him, I had said too much. His face grew haggard, and there was fear to speak on it; and I saw, I knew, that some d.a.m.nable suspicion of Margaret----
"She was my wife!" I cried sharply. "We were married by the minister of Harvie. You are my son."
Chapter Thirty-Six.
STORY OF THE DOMINIE.
When I spoke next, I was back in the school-house, sitting there with my bonnet on my head, Gavin looking at me. We had forgotten the cannon at last.
In that chair I had antic.i.p.ated this scene more than once of late. I had seen that a time might come when Gavin would have to be told all, and I had even said the words aloud, as if he were indeed opposite me.
So now I was only repeating the tale, and I could tell it without emotion, because it was nigh nineteen years old; and I did not look at Gavin, for I knew that his manner of taking it could bring no change to me.
"Did you never ask your mother," I said, addressing the fire rather than him, "why you were called Gavin?"
"Yes," he answered, "it was because she thought Gavin a prettier name than Adam."
"No," I said slowly, "it was because Gavin is my name. You were called after your father. Do you not remember my taking you one day to the sh.o.r.e at Harvie to see the fishermen carried to their boats upon their wives" backs, that they might start dry on their journey?"
"No," he had to reply. "I remember the women carrying the men through the water to the boats, but I thought it was my father who--I mean----"
"I know whom you mean," I said. "That was our last day together, but you were not three years old. Yet you remembered me when you came to Thrums. You shake your head, but it is true. Between the diets of worship that first Sabbath I was introduced to you, and you must have had some shadowy recollection of my face, for you asked, "Surely I saw you in church in the forenoon, Mr. Ogilvy?" I said "Yes," but I had not been in the church in the forenoon. You have forgotten even that, and yet I treasured it."
I could hear that he was growing impatient, though so far he had been more indulgent than I had any right to expect.
"It can all be put into a sentence," I said calmly. "Margaret married Adam Dishart, and afterwards, believing herself a widow, she married me. You were born, and then Adam Dishart came back."
That is my whole story, and here was I telling it to my son, and not a tear between us. It ended abruptly, and I fell to mending the fire.
"When I knew your mother first," I went on, after Gavin had said some boyish things that were of no avail to me, "I did not think to end my days as a dominie. I was a student at Aberdeen, with the ministry in my eye, and sometimes on Sat.u.r.days I walked forty miles to Harvie to go to church with her. She had another lover, Adam Dishart, a sailor turned fisherman; and while I lingered at corners, wondering if I could dare to meet her and her mother on their way to church, he would walk past with them. He was accompanied always by a lanky black dog, which he had brought from a foreign country. He never signed for any ship without first getting permission to take it with him, and in Harvie they said it did not know the language of the native dogs. I have never known a man and dog so attached to each other."
"I remember that black dog," Gavin said. "I have spoken of it to my mother, and she shuddered, as if it had once bitten her."
"While Adam strutted by with them," I continued, "I would hang back, raging at his a.s.surance or my own timidity; but I lost my next chance in the same way. In Margaret"s presence something came over me, a kind of dryness in the throat, that made me dumb. I have known divinity students stricken in the same way, just as they were giving out their first text. It is no aid in getting a kirk or wooing a woman.
"If any one in Harvie recalls me now, it is as a hobbledehoy who strode along the cliffs, shouting Homer at the sea-mews. With all my learning, I, who gave Margaret the name of Lalage, understood women less than any fisherman who bandied words with them across a boat. I remember a Yule night when both Adam and I were at her mother"s cottage, and, as we were leaving, he had the audacity to kiss Margaret. She ran out of the room, and Adam swaggered off, and when I recovered from my horror, I apologized for what he had done. I shall never forget how her mother looked at me, and said, "Ay, Gavin, I see they dinna teach everything at Aberdeen." You will not believe it, but I walked away doubting her meaning. I thought more of scholarship then than I do now. Adam Dishart taught me its proper place.
"Well, that is the dull man I was; and yet, though Adam was always saying and doing the things I was making up my mind to say and do, I think Margaret cared more for me. Nevertheless, there was something about him that all women seemed to find lovable, a dash that made them send him away and then well-nigh run after him. At any rate, I could have got her after her mother"s death if I had been half a man. But I went back to Aberdeen to write a poem about her, and while I was at it Adam married her."
I opened my desk and took from it a yellow ma.n.u.script.
"Here," I said, "is the poem. You see, I never finished it."
I was fingering the thing grimly when Gavin"s eye fell on something else in the desk. It was an ungainly clasp-knife, as rusty as if it had spent a winter beneath a hedge.
"I seem to remember that knife," he said.
"Yes," I answered, "you should remember it. Well, after three months Adam tired of his wife."
I stopped again. This was a story in which only the pauses were eloquent.
"Perhaps I have no right to say he tired of her. One day, however, he sauntered away from Harvie whistling, his dog at his heels as ever, and was not seen again for nearly six years. When I heard of his disappearance I packed my books in that kist and went to Harvie, where I opened a school. You see, every one but Margaret believed that Adam had fallen over the cliffs and been drowned."
"But the dog?" said Gavin.
"We were all sure that, if he had fallen over, it had jumped after him. The fisher-folk said that he could have left his shadow behind as easily as it. Yet Margaret thought for long that he had tired of Harvie merely and gone back to sea, and not until two years had pa.s.sed would she marry me. We lived in Adam"s house. It was so near the little school that when I opened the window in summer-time she could hear the drone of our voices. During the weeks before you were born I kept that window open all day long, and often I went to it and waved my hand to her.
"Sometimes, when she was washing or baking, I brought you to the school. The only quarrel she and I ever had was about my teaching you the Lord"s Prayer in Greek as soon as you could say father and mother.
It was to be a surprise for her on your second birthday. On that day, while she was ironing, you took hold of her gown to steady yourself, and began, "~Pater emon ho en tois ouranois~" and to me, behind the door, it was music. But at ~agiastheto~, of which you made two syllables, you cried, and Margaret s.n.a.t.c.hed you up, thinking this was some new ailment. After I had explained to her that it was the Lord"s Prayer in Greek, she would let me take you to the school-house no more.
"Not much longer could I have taken you in any case, for already we are at the day when Adam Dishart came back. It was the 7th of September, and all the week most of the women in Harvie had been setting off at dawn to the harvest fields and straggling home at nights, merry and with yellow corn in their hair. I had sat on in the school-house that day after my pupils were gone. I still meant to be a minister, and I was studying Hebrew, and so absorbed in my book that as the daylight went, I followed it step by step as far as my window, and there I read, without knowing, until I chanced to look up, that I had left my desk. I have not opened that book since.
"From the window I saw you on the waste ground that separated the school from our home. You were coming to me on your hands and feet, and stopping now and again to look back at your mother, who was at the door, laughing and shaking her fist at you. I beckoned to you, and took the book back to my desk to lock it up. While my head was inside the desk I heard the school-house door pushed open, and thinking it was you I smiled, without looking up. Then something touched my hand, and I still thought it was you; but I looked down, and I saw Adam Dishart"s black dog.
"I did not move. It looked up at me and wagged its tail. Then it drew back--I suppose because I had no words for it. I watched it run half-round the room and stop and look at me again. Then it slunk out.
"All that time one of my hands had been holding the desk open. Now the lid fell. I put on my bonnet and went to the door. You were only a few yards away, with flowers in your fist. Margaret was laughing still. I walked round the school and there was no dog visible. Margaret nodded to me, meaning that I should bring you home. You thrust the flowers into my hand, but they fell. I stood there, dazed.
"I think I walked with you some way across the waste ground. Then I dropped your hand and strode back to the school. I went down on my knees, looking for marks of a dog"s paws, and I found them.
"When I came out again your mother was no longer at our door, and you were crying because I had left you. I pa.s.sed you and walked straight to the house. Margaret was skinning rushes for wicks. There must have been fear in my face, for as soon as she saw it she ran to the door to see if you were still alive. She brought you in with her, and so had strength to cry, "What is it? Speak!"
""Come away," I said, "come away," and I was drawing her to the door, but she pressed me into a chair. I was up again at once.