"Then I must get toughened to it. What else is there for me to do? I must do something."
"Marry me!" said Wally, reaching across the table and putting his hand on hers. The light in his eyes lit up his homely face like a lantern.
3.
The suddenness of it startled Jill into silence. She s.n.a.t.c.hed her hand away and drew back, looking at him in wonderment. She was confusedly aware of a babble of sound,--people talking, people laughing, the orchestra playing a lively tune. All her senses seemed to have become suddenly more acute. She was intensely alive to small details. Then, abruptly, the whole world condensed itself into two eyes that were fastened upon hers,--compelling eyes which she felt a panic desire to avoid.
She turned her head away, and looked out into the restaurant. It seemed incredible that all these people, placidly intent upon their food and their small talk, should not be staring at her, wondering what she was going to say; nudging each other and speculating. Their detachment made her feel alone and helpless. She was nothing to them and they did not care what happened to her, just as she had been nothing to those frozen marshes down at Brookport. She was alone in an indifferent world, with her own problems to settle for herself.
Other men had asked Jill to marry them,--a full dozen of them, here and there in country houses and at London before she had met and loved Derek Underhill: but that she had had in the way of experience had prepared her for Wally. These others had given her time to marshal her forces, to collect herself, to weigh them thoughtfully in the balance. Before speaking, they had signalled their devotion in a hundred perceptible ways--by their pinkness, their stammering awkwardness, by the gla.s.sy look in their eyes. They had not shot a proposal at her like a bullet from out of the cover of a conversation that had nothing to do with their emotions at all.
Yet, now that the shock of it was dying away, she began to remember signs she would have noticed, speeches which ought to have warned her ...
"Wally!" she gasped.
She found that he affected her in an entirely different fashion from the luckless dozen of those London days. He seemed to matter more, to be more important, almost--though she rebelled at the word--more dangerous.
"Let me take you out of it all! You aren"t fit for this sort of life.
I can"t bear to see you ..."
Jill bent forward and touched his hand. He started as though he had been burned. The muscles of his throat were working.
"Wally, it"s--" She paused for a word. "Kind" was horrible. It would have sounded cold, almost supercilious. "Sweet" was the sort of thing she could imagine Lois Penham saying to her friend Izzy. She began her sentence again. "You"re a dear to say that, but ..."
Wally laughed chokingly.
"You think I"m altruistic? I"m not. I"m just as selfish and self-centered as any other man who wants a thing very badly. I"m as altruistic as a child crying for the moon. I want you to marry me because I love you, because there never was anybody like you, because you"re the whole world, because I always have loved you. I"ve been dreaming about you for a dozen years, thinking about you, wondering about you--wondering where you were, what you were doing, how you looked. I used to think that it was just sentimentality, that you merely stood for a time of my life when I was happier than I have ever been since. I used to think that you were just a sort of peg on which I was hanging a pleasant sentimental regret for days which could never come back. You were a memory that seemed to personify all the other memories of the best time of my life. You were the G.o.ddess of old a.s.sociations. Then I met you in London, and it was different.
I wanted you--_you!_ I didn"t want you because you recalled old times and were a.s.sociated with dead happiness, I wanted _you!_ I knew I loved you directly you spoke to me at the theatre that night of the fire. I loved your voice and your eyes and your smile and your courage. And then you told me you were engaged. I might have expected it, but I couldn"t keep my jealousy from showing itself, and you snubbed me as I deserved. But now ... things are different now.
Everything"s different, except my love."
Jill turned her face to the wall beside her. A man at the next table, a corpulent red-faced man, had begun to stare. He could have heard nothing, for Wally had spoken in a low voice; but plainly he was aware that something more interesting was happening at their table than at any of the other tables, and he was watching with a bovine inquisitiveness which affected Jill with a sense of outrage. A moment before, she had resented the indifference of the outer world. Now, this one staring man seemed like a watching mult.i.tude. There were tears in her eyes, and she felt that the red-faced man suspected it.
"Wally ..." Her voice broke. "It"s impossible."
"Why? Why, Jill?"
"Because ... Oh, it"s impossible!"
There was a silence.
"Because ..." He seemed to find a difficulty in speaking, "Because of Underhill?"
Jill nodded. She felt wretched. The monstrous incongruity of her surroundings oppressed her. The orchestra dashed into a rollicking melody, which set her foot tapping in spite of herself. At a near-by table somebody was shouting with laughter. Two waiters at a service-stand were close enough for her to catch s.n.a.t.c.hes of their talk. They were arguing about an order of fried potatoes. Once again her feelings veered round, and she loathed the detachment of the world. Her heart ached for Wally. She could not look at him, but she knew exactly what she would see if she did,--honest, pleading eyes searching her face for something which she could not give.
"Yes," she said.
The table creaked. Wally was leaning further forward. He seemed like something large and pathetic,--a big dog in trouble. She hated to be hurting him. And all the time her foot tapped accompaniment to the rag-time tune.
"But you can"t live all your life with a memory," said Wally.
Jill turned and faced him. His eyes seemed to leap at her, and they were just as she had pictured them.
"You don"t understand," she said gently. "You don"t understand."
"It"s ended. It"s over."
Jill shook her head.
"You can"t still love him, after what has happened!"
"I don"t know," said Jill unhappily.
The words seemed to bewilder Wally as much as they had bewildered Freddie.
"You don"t know!"
Jill shut her eyes tight. Wally quivered. It was a trick she had had as a child. In perplexity, she had always screwed up her eyes just like that, as if to shut herself up in herself.
"Don"t talk for a minute, Wally," she said. "I want to think."
Her eyes opened.
"It"s like this," she said. He had seen her look at him exactly the same way a hundred times. "I don"t suppose I can make you understand, but this is how it is. Suppose you had a room, and it was full of things. Furniture. And there wasn"t any s.p.a.ce left. You--you couldn"t put anything else in till you had taken all that out, could you? It might not be worth anything, but it would still be there taking up all the room."
Wally nodded.
"Yes," he said. "I see."
"My heart"s full, Wally dear. I know it"s just lumber that"s choking it up, but it"s difficult to get it out. It takes time getting it out. I put it in, thinking it was wonderful furniture, the most wonderful in the world, and--I was cheated. It was just lumber. But it"s there. It"s still there. It"s there all the time. And what am I to do?"
The orchestra crashed, and was silent. The sudden stillness seemed to break a spell. The world invaded the little island where they sat. A chattering party of girls and men brushed past them. The waiter, judging that they had been there long enough, slipped a strip of paper, decorously turned upside down, in front of Wally. He took the money, and went away to get change.
Wally turned to Jill.
"I understand," he said. "All this hasn"t happened, and we"re just as good pals as before?"
"Yes."
"But ..." He forced a laugh ... "mark my words, a time may come, and then ... !"
"I don"t know," said Jill.
"A time may come," repeated Wally. "At any rate, let me think so. It has nothing to do with me. It"s for you to decide, absolutely. I"m not going to pursue you with my addresses! If ever you get that room of yours emptied, you won"t have to hang out a "To Let" sign. I shall be waiting and you will know where to find me. And, in the meantime, yours to command, Wallace Mason. Is that clear?"
"Quite clear." Jill looked at him affectionately. "There"s n.o.body I"d rather open that room to than you, Wally. You know that."
"Is that the solemn truth?"