When his wife got pregnant with Delia more than twenty years ago, Gladys had called the child a gift from G.o.d. After three miscarriages, two years of fertility treatments, and, finally, experimental blood transfusions, they"d almost given up hope. "She"s the best thing we could have hoped for," Gladys said the day she arrived at the hospital, and for once, cynical Conrad had agreed: Delia Christen Wilc.o.x was perfect.
Smart, pretty, full of giggles. They"d doted, indulged, hugged, and kissed until their hearts had overfilled, broken, and grown back larger and more accommodating. And she"d taken. And kept taking. It had started at her mother"s t.i.t, which she"d suckled too hard and drawn blood. Then the bigger things: backyard swing-set, horseback riding lessons, her own room, a lock on her door, hand-sewn boutique clothes, ski vacations, all-night curfews, and finally, the silver and crystal, and even their flat screen television.
Drugs, they"d guessed, though they"d never known for sure. After their dog Barkley went missing, Conrad had imagined it was something much worse. Bloodier. Probably, one of them should have asked.
She moved out at sixteen and began couch surfing at boyfriends" houses. "Back surfing," he"d once called it, for which the kid had slapped him. He"d slapped her right back. Then she"d bit his arm hard enough to draw blood.
There were more shenanigans. The house got broken into. The Dodge stolen. Some fool named b.u.t.ter had called them at all hours, asking for his "Sweet Momma." They inst.i.tuted a curfew when the high school kids at Tom"s River started turning up dead, but she"d climbed out the window and come waltzing back at dawn. Then she went missing entirely, and though both of them had imagined this absence in their darkest moments and a.s.sumed it would bring relief, it only ushered more misery. Was she cold, frightened, alone? Did she need them, only she was ashamed to ask?
Two years later, they got the call from a special victims unit detective in Louisiana-Delia had been arrested for the human trafficking of her own child.
He"d learned but had promptly forgotten the particulars: A son named Adam born a year after she left home, a kiddie-p.o.r.n ring, a trannie boyfriend who"d kept her high and happy, a $1000 payoff for her infant son. It amounted to less than the going rate for any of the boy"s individual organs on the black market, as if the living child as a whole was worth less than the sum of his parts.
Though he considered it, in the end Conrad decided not to testify in his daughter"s defense. She was sentenced to eight years at the Louisiana Women"s Correctional Facility. He never visited. She never wrote. He and Gladys legally adopted Adam. They gave away Delia"s pretty things and painted her old room blue. Adam never learned to attach significance to the word mother, and for this they considered themselves lucky.
"It"s like she"s dead," Gladys once said. Behind her, the section of wall where Delia"s picture once hung had appeared especially white.
"It"s not like she"s dead," Conrad replied. "It"s like she was never born."
After some time, they got used to the boy. They cherished his coos, and the way he cried out with glee when he woke from naps, so happy, once again, to find them waiting. This second time around the scale tilted in the opposite direction, and they did not spare the rod. For this they were rewarded with an obedient, if less spirited child.
Trouble came when the boy turned five. It started with the fevers. When the welts appeared, the specialists diagnosed him with viral meningitis. He"d gotten it, the best anyone could figure, from an act of sodomy while under his mother"s care. This was also how he"d gotten the syphilis.
Conrad and Gladys sold everything Delia had not stolen, from the diamond ring to the Belgian lace linens. When insurance wouldn"t cover the experimental spinal filtration, they mortgaged their house. Little Adam lived in the Columbia-Presbyterian Intensive Care Unit, and as much as they could, they lived there, too.
Two months later, they saw firsthand in the hospital what the virus did to its victims. They survived somehow, in the way that people meant to live through every kind of misery always do. To his own surprise, Conrad got cold blooded. He bashed two infecteds" heads with an IV pole while Gladys pulled the tubing from Adam"s wrists, and together they ran. Most others, from the administrators to the doctors, surrendered with open hands and horrified expressions. Fighting meant believing, and they hadn"t been ready for that. But by then Conrad"s daughter was a jailbird junkie, his grandson"s skin too tender to touch, and his wife a new-age Jesus freak, praying for the health of her lost family, so what the f.u.c.k did a few zombies matter?
He and Gladys took the boy back home to Tom"s River, where he wheezed his final breaths in their arms. Throughout, Adam wore this betrayed expression on his face, like he"d died under the misapprehension that Conrad was G.o.d and could have cured him, but had chosen otherwise, to teach him a lesson.
Outside their manicured split-level ranch, sirens blasted. Carnage littered the streets. Inexplicably, his walking buddy Dale Crowther, slick with soap, ran naked down Princeton Road. But the animated dead stuck to old routines, and in the suburbs n.o.body visits their neighbors, so Conrad dug the shallow grave in the backyard next to the family dog"s bones unperturbed.
On the television the next night, they learned that the research inst.i.tutes were close to a cure. With Martial Law declared and Civil Rights rescinded, the CDC had turned the southern prisons into laboratories, and begun experimenting on convicts. In thick Brooklyn-ese, Rosie Perez, the fill-in WPIX news anchor, announced that the government had discovered a twenty-three-year-old convict who was immune.
"Isn"t that the lady from the lottery movie?" Gladys asked. Conrad shushed her by putting his hand over her mouth, and they"d sat erect and tense as metal tuning forks while a still photo of their daughter had illuminated the television. She"d looked younger and more p.i.s.sed off than he"d expected.
"They shot her full of the virus and she"s not sick?" Gladys whispered. "Thank the Great Buddha. My baby, I love you so much. Momma loves you," she told the angry woman on the glowing screen while Conrad inspected his hands, because the sight of his wife"s tears, when he was helpless to console her, was intolerable.
Then Rosie returned, and spoke off teleprompter. "So, basically, we"re killing a buncha prisoners even though there"s like, a million zombies out there we could capture and test instead. So if this Delia Wilc.o.x winds up curing everybody, then I guess it was worth it. But if she doesn"t..." Rosie had looked directly into the camera, through the screen, at Conrad, and he"d felt like someone who"s done wrong, and been caught.
"Think about it, people! They can"t see and they can"t hear but they"ll still chase you twenty miles, "cause it"s not your skin these f.u.c.kin" things want. This virus eats souls. That"s not gonna be me. Is it gonna be you?"
Rosie glared. Connie thought about Delia, and the dog Barkley, and that day the ocean met the sky. Then Rosie produced a gun, pressed it to the side of her head while the cameraman shouted, thought better of her strategy, placed the gun in her mouth, and fired. The program went offline.
Conrad and Gladys got close enough to press their faces to the snowy screen, just in case Delia came back. She didn"t. After a half-hour, a rerun of America"s Funniest Home Videos America"s Funniest Home Videos played. Somebody"s cheeky monkey stole a bunch of bananas from a grocery store. Then the signal went out, the television was gone, and America died, just like that. played. Somebody"s cheeky monkey stole a bunch of bananas from a grocery store. Then the signal went out, the television was gone, and America died, just like that.
That night, Gladys shook him awake. The bed was just a mattress on the floor-he"d broken apart the cedar frame, along with the rest of the wood furniture, and nailed it against the windows and doors. They were living on saltines and defrosted vegetables. Some days it felt like camp, but mostly it didn"t.
"I"m dying, Connie," Gladys said.
His belly filled with cold and his heart slowed as it pumped. "You"re healthy as a cow, Gladys," he told her, though in fact she was sweating now, her breath shallow, and he understood with increasing alarm that there was something he"d forgotten.
"It"s my heart. We"re out of the digitalis."
"I"ll get it right now," he answered. The digitalis-why hadn"t she reminded him?
"It"s no good, Connie," she said, and he realized then that she hadn"t been too upset upset to help dig Adam"s plot: she"d been too to help dig Adam"s plot: she"d been too sick sick. "I didn"t tell you because I didn"t want you to risk it."
"Stop this talk," he answered, standing now, in the dark. Orange light played through the cracks in the windows, because something out there was on fire. "I know a little high school chemistry. We"ll cook it on the kitchen stove. What"s digitalis made of?"
"No, Con. I"m on my way, and you"ve got to promise me something."
He ran his hands along the sheets, and found that they were wet with her sweat. "I won"t promise you anything. You tricked me, you coward."
Gladys shook her head. "Stop that, Connie. Now promise. I won"t rest peacefully knowing she"s alone. Locked up, even, with no one to remember to feed her. Remember the time with the blood? She drank it all straight out of the freezer bag. Maybe there"s a reason she ran off and it wasn"t just the drugs. We were wrong to give up on her like that. You"ve got to promise to see what"s become of her."
He looked at his wife, whose complexion had turned orange with the fire. Over these last thirty-nine years, she"d grown wrinkled and fat and timid. He hated her whiny voice, and her old lady stink, and her sagging t.i.ts. Mostly, he hated her worthless ticker. "I"m empty, Gladys. I don"t love anything anymore. Not even you."
She shook her head in what he would later remember as amus.e.m.e.nt. You"re married to somebody that long, you know better than to pretend like love is a fish. "Oh shut up and find her, you big baby!"
In the morning he dressed her in her comfy bathrobe and plastic-soled slippers, then cut off her head just in case, and buried her next to the boy and the dog. By noon he was gone. Walking south, toward Delia.
III.
He Finds the Dog It"s only been two hours since he left the 7-Eleven, but his water is gone and he"s thirsty again. Dusk has settled like a tall man"s shadow, and though the prison is still two miles of dark, broken road to go, he doesn"t have time to set up camp for the night, so will instead persevere.
His back went out during that last fight, so his crab-walk is exaggerated, but at least his shoulder has stopped hurting and become numb. Veins along his neck shine bright blue and green with infection, and he wonders what those little virions are eating. His defenses probably, then his memories.
That"s when he hears the howl carrying across the broken blacktop. It sounds human-a soulful lament. He thinks it must be the thrumping ba.s.s of old world music since he can"t imagine there are any survivors left who"d be so incautious as to wail.
Then again, maybe it"s his imagination. Since he got bit, he"s been hearing voices. They don"t belong to Gladys.
-Sorry I bit you, mister.
-Could you help an old altar boy, Father?
-I saw the mult.i.tudes to every side of me, and their howls were loud.
He thinks it might be a disorder of the brain. He hopes so, at least.
"Maybe you didn"t even get bit, Con," he says in the wrong voice. Gladys" voice. "Maybe you just imagined it, and you"re totally fine."
"No, Gladdy. I"m losing it," he says as a second howl interrupts him. He spots the thing in the middle of the magnolia-strewn street. A black Lab retriever. A dog! It cowers with its head between its paws.
He can"t help it. He smiles and comes to life a little. A dog! He thought they all were dead-eaten up first by the infected, and then by the survivors. He shambles faster. Grinning like an idiot. Remembers games he taught his old mutt Barkley-fetch my beer and and lift Gladys" skirt lift Gladys" skirt.
As he crab-walks, he pa.s.ses a crawling zombie without legs, that is chewing its own flesh- I like it because it is bitter, and because it is my heart.
-but is too decomposed to chase him.
When he gets to the pup he offers it his closed fist. Out of habit, he pulls back when he sees the thing"s chewed-up snout and bloated, white eyes. It doesn"t try to bite him, and he"s confused until he realizes that it smells his infection and knows they are kindred. So he does the dog a favor. With one hand, he takes it by the chin, and with the other he draws the b.u.t.t of his shotgun and smashes it over the mutt"s skull. It whines, just like a real dog.
I loved you where the ocean met the sky, he thinks, even though your mouth was b.l.o.o.d.y even though your mouth was b.l.o.o.d.y. Then he keeps walking, toward Delia. By his map, he"s almost there.
IV..
b.e.s.t.i.a.l Creatures He"s seen a lot of things, none of them good. In Tupelo he met a band of lunatics who sacrificed their healthiest to the infected in the hopes of pleasing G.o.d. Still, they"d been company. In Delaware he met a couple who traveled with him until they got botulism from canned Spam. How can you taste the difference? In Asheville he took pity on an old shut-in and stole a kitchen"s worth of food for her before leaving. On his way out she said, "Stay. Take care of me. You can"t really think your daughter"s still alive." She wept as he shut the door to her small, airless bas.e.m.e.nt, and it occurred to him that in the old days, he might have wasted more time trying to comfort her.
When Delia was small, he"d carried her on his shoulders from place to place, and pitied his bosses at the accounting firm, who"d considered their children"s rearing the domain of women. Now that seemed smug. Who had he been, to judge? s.h.i.t happens. You can blame yourself and G.o.d and everybody around you, but sometimes s.h.i.t just happens.
Like when they went fishing, and the trout flopped in the plastic bucket filled with water. The stillness of the ocean had mesmerized him, and for a moment, he mistook nine-year-old Delia"s b.l.o.o.d.y mouth for a fever dream. But then he heard the slurping. The sun began to rise, and its color married the water to the sky. Maybe it was the blood treatments, or bad genes, or bad rearing. Maybe some people are just born wrong, and there is nothing you can do. "I love you," he told her as he"d dumped the dead bluefish back into the water.
A few years later, Barkley turned up drained and hanging from the roof like a Christmas suckling pig. He buried the dog before Gladys ever saw how badly it was mangled.
Once, a long time ago, he got a phone call. Gladys slept through, even while he spoke in hushed tones next to her. The voice on the other line came reluctantly. "...Dad?"
"Yeah?" It had been months by then. She"d left on a Sunday afternoon while they were at church, and had taken her mother"s heirloom pearls with her.
"...I need help," she said. "Money. I"m in trouble."
He looked at the phone a long while, thinking. "Did you hurt somebody?"
"It"s not about that. It"s a debt. About five thousand."
"We"re out, D. You robbed us blind and I"m not working full-time like I used to."
"They"ll make me pay for it with my body," she said. "And I"m pregnant, Dad." She"d been crying, but that hadn"t meant it was true. He"d been so angry, or maybe so shocked, that he"d hung up.
Next time they heard from her was two years later, in Baton Rouge. His heart swelled like a leaking sponge when he found out she"d been telling the truth.
"Did you ever imagine she had a baby?" Gladys asked as they sat on the plane headed south, their IRAs cashed in for bail. "It"s a blessing, maybe," she said with tearful eyes. "Little feet running around. Burping and p.o.o.ping. G.o.d, I"ve missed that."
Connie looked out the window at the clouds as they"d kissed the ocean. He thought about how, in purgatory, you relive your life over and over without ever finding resolution or redemption. The colors outside the plane had been blue ocean on blue sky, and, in between, the red of a sunset. "I had no idea," he"d said.
V.
Delia and the Start of It All The prison is an ordinary building. The cast-iron gate surrounding it is open and rusted. It"s dark out, but with the infection threading his veins, Connie can see. He can hear, too. Already, he knows that the prison is lousy with the dead. They"re looking for things they"ve lost. Children. Love. Ambitions. Their souls.
"Maybe she wasn"t immune, and they only told people that to keep hope alive," he says in Gladys" voice as he comes to the end of Emanc.i.p.ation Place. "It"s a lie, just like everything else. Maybe she wasn"t the cure; she was the cause."
"You"re the optimist, Glady. Not me."
"You should shoot yourself now while you still can. I hate the idea of you turning into one of them them. What if there"s a heaven, and you"re not allowed, because your soul is gone?"
He stops and looks up at the vast, brick prison whose windows are all barred. "I"ve come this far, Glady. We both know she was never right, but I can"t chicken out now," he says, then climbs the steps to the entrance.
The lobby inside is small and long, with reception stations down the entire length of the building. He wanders first the east wing, then the west, where he pa.s.ses a slender child who sways to the rhythm of the vents that pump hot, wet air. Her eyes are b.l.o.o.d.y, and out of habit, he kicks her so that she lands against the tiled hall wall. Something cracks (her femur?) but she doesn"t come after him. Only lies against the cafeteria wall like a fractured doll.
"Sorry," he mumbles, then keeps walking.
It"s okay, she answers in his mind. Have you seen my daddy? He abandoned me. Have you seen my daddy? He abandoned me.
"That"s a low blow," he mumbles back, only maybe he doesn"t say the words. Maybe now, he and the dead understand each other.
She grins.
The holding cells are in the back of the building. About thirty in all, they border the periphery of a large, two-story room. Connie walks from cell to cell. Half are empty, the other half singly occupied by emaciated, uninfected women lying mostly in their beds. None bear Delia"s face. It seems a waste to Conrad that no one thought to set them free or feed them. In cell nine, a woman clings to the bars with locked fingers. Her front teeth are worn down to the gums from where she tried to bite her way out.
There are zombies, too, of course. They walk in aimless circles, and have spread nearly equidistant-about one per every ten square feet-like air molecules in stasis, mindless and inanimate. For the most part, they don"t notice him, though he can hear their thoughts: I"m hungry.
I"m thirsty.
I"m lonely.
It"s so dark in here, and my love is so dry.
In the bas.e.m.e.nt of the west wing, he finds the makeshift laboratory where it looks like surgeries happened in the hallways. He sees the IV trees, monitors, and needles that remind him of Adam. It occurs to him that he and Gladys never asked Delia if she wanted the child. Instead they took him, then abandoned her as if she were junk. In admitting his own fault, it"s easier to admit the greater truth: she murdered the fish, and Barkley, and those high school kids, too. She was born with a bloodl.u.s.t.
In the bas.e.m.e.nt, he finds the rest of the prisoners chained to gurneys. They must have been injected with the virus, because their heads are cleanly sawed away.
A doctor and nurse, both infected, wander the aisles, forever trapped in their roles of sick and, well, prisoner and captive. They seem to believe they are ministering comfort as they check lifeless wrists for pulses.
"Delia!" he shouts. They look at him for a moment, then return to their work. If she is alive, and I find her, I will be happy If she is alive, and I find her, I will be happy, he thinks. Even if she has not changed, I will take comfort from finishing this journey, and be fulfilled. Even if she has not changed, I will take comfort from finishing this journey, and be fulfilled.
"Delia!" he cries. Like his joints, his throat is beginning to lock.
Just then, a tiny, faraway voice shouts back: "Here!"
It"s been years since he"s seen her, but her voice transcends time. It is imprinted upon him and dwells in the reptile part of his brain that even the virus cannot devour. His body moves, almost of its own volition. Not even his back hurts anymore. He is entirely numb.
"Delia!"
In reply is that same hesitation from years ago, when she called late at night while Gladys slept. He"s run that moment over in his mind every day since, and recognizes now that her hesitation was shame. It was always shame.
"...Dad?"
He"s racing on stiff, rigor mortis legs, while his favorite memories, long forgotten, surface: the night she stayed home from a party to play chess with him; the poster of dogs playing poker in her bedroom that he never took down, even after Adam moved in; the color red, that he has forever a.s.sociated with Delia, his perfect child, who was born with a taste for blood. These memories surface like exploding stars, and then just as quickly, disappear. He tries to catch them, but they are mist. By the time he reaches the lower level of the bas.e.m.e.nt, he is aware only of their loss, and not what they contained.