To W. WEBB, Esq., Ardrum.
Mr. Webb was at home when the servant arrived, and, only detaining him two minutes, sent him back with the following answer:--
Ardrum, Monday Morning.
Mr. Webb presents his compliments to Mr. Brown. Mr. Webb regrets that he cannot comply with the request made in Mr.
Brown"s letter of yesterday"s date.
To JONAS BROWN, Esq., Brown Hall.
The conclave at Brown Hall, on receipt of this laconic epistle, unanimously declared that it was tantamount to a declaration of war, and that desperate measures must at once be adopted.
"The sod"s the only place now, father," said George; "by heavens I like him the better for not recanting."
"He"s a cursed good shot," said Fred. "Would you like to send for Keegan before you go out?"
"Keegan be d----d!" said George; "but have Blake by, for he"ll wing you as sure as Moses."
"May be not," said Fred. "Webb"s a d----d good shot in a gallery; but may be he won"t allow for the wind on the sod; but it"ll be as well to have the sawbones."
"No fear of your legs, governor, for he"ll fire high. The shoulder"s his spot; you may always tell from a man"s eye where he"ll fix the sight of a pistol. Webb always looks up. If his tool lifts a little, he"ll fire over you."
"Yes, he might," said Fred; "or take you on the head--which wouldn"t be so pleasant. I"m not particular--but I"d better run my chance myself with a chap that fired low."
"There you"re out," answered the brother. "The low shot"s the death-shot. Why man, if you did catch a ball in the head, you"d get over it--if it was in the mouth, or cheek, or neck, or anywhere but the temple; but your body"s all over tender bits. May heaven always keep lead out of my bowels--I"d sooner have it in my brains."
The father fidgetted about very uneasily whilst enduring these pleasant remarks from his affectionate children, which, it is needless to say, they made for his particular comfort and amus.e.m.e.nt at the present moment. At last he lost his temper, and exclaimed--
"D---- your brains, you fool--I don"t believe you"ve got any! what"s the use of the two of you going on that way--you that were never out in your life. I tell you when a man"s standing to be fired at, he doesn"t know, nine times in ten, whether he fires high or low. Who"ll I get to go out with me?"
"Yes, and take your message," said Fred; "you"ve a deal to do yet before you"re snug home again."
"Well, who"ll I get to go to him?"
"Why wouldn"t I do?" suggested George. George, at any rate, had the merit of being a good son.
"Nonsense," said Fred; "if the governor got shot you"d be considered a brute if you were cool; and a man should be cool then."
"Cool," said George; "I"d be as cool as a cuc.u.mber."
"Nonsense," said the father; "of course I couldn"t go out with my own son; there"s Theobald French; I went out with his cousin just after Waterloo."
"He can"t show--he"s on his keeping. He"d be nabbed before he was on the ground."
"Then I"ll have Larkin; I"ve known him since I was a boy."
"Larkin"s too old for that game now; he"d be letting them have Webb up with his back to the sun."
"Murphy, of Mullough; he"s used to these things--I"ll send over to him."
"Murphy"s up to snuff; but since the affair of the bill he forged Dan Connolly"s name to, he"s queerly thought of. It wouldn"t do at all, governor, to send anyone that Webb"s friend could refuse to meet."
"I"ll tell you, father, who"d be proud of the job--and he"s quite a gentleman now, since he got an estate of his own--and that"s Cynthy Keegan. It"d be great fun to see him stepping the ground, and he only with one foot."
"By heavens, George, you"re a born fool; must you have your d----d joke, when I"m talking so seriously?"
"Upon my soul, then, if it were myself, I"d send for Keegan. He"d think the compliment so great, he wouldn"t refuse, and it"d be such a joke to see him on the ground with his crutches. But if you don"t like the attorney, send to Fitzpatrick."
"He"s so young," said the father; "he"d do very well for either of you; but I"d want some one steadier."
"Besides," said Fred, "Webb and Fitz are bosom friends. I wouldn"t wonder if Fitz were Webb"s friend himself."
"I tell you, father--Major Longsword"s exactly the boy," said George; "send to Boyle for him; he wants to get a name in the country, and the job"ll just suit him."
"You"re right for once, George," said Jonas, "Longsword"s just the man that will answer." And accordingly it was at last decided that Major Longsword was to be the honoured individual. He had dined once or twice at Brown Hall, and therefore there was some excuse for calling upon him; and a note was accordingly written to him, with a great deal of blarney about his station and experience, and the inexpediency of entrusting affairs of honour to inexperienced country gentlemen. This had the effect of immediately bringing him over to Brown Hall, and on the Tuesday morning he was dispatched to Ardrum, to make what arrangements he pleased with Mr. Webb.
To give Major Longsword his due, Mr. Brown could not have made a much better choice; for though he was a disciple of that school, which thoroughly entertained the now antiquated notion that the world--that is, the world of men in broad cloth--could not go on without duels, or a pretence of duels; still he was one who, as a second, would do all in his power to prevent an absolute effusion of lead. He was a great hand at an apology, and could regulate its proper degree of indifference or abjectness to the exact state of the case; he could make it almost satisfactory to the receiver, without being very disagreeable to the giver; he could twaddle about honour for ever without causing bloodshed; and would, if possible, protect a man"s reputation and body at the same time.
He started on his mission of peace with the determined intention of returning with some doc.u.ment in his pocket which would appease Mr.
Brown"s irritated feelings, and add another laurel to the wreath which he considered his due as a peace-maker.
He was shown into Mr. Webb"s parlour, where that gentleman soon joined him, and he was not long in making known his business. Major Longsword plumed himself on his manners in such emba.s.sies, and to-day he was perfect.
"Now, Mr. Webb," he continued after a long preamble, "of course I am not to judge of the propriety of any words you may think fit to use; but, I am afraid I must admit in this case, a somewhat--I must say a somewhat unwarranted allusion was made to my friend. Such I can a.s.sure you is the general opinion. Now, if you will allow me to say as much, I think,--I cannot but think, you were right--perfectly right--in not disclaiming such an allusion, having once made it; but I trust, indeed I feel confident, that a man of your acknowledged sense, and general character as a man of the world, will not object to give me a line--a mere line will suffice--addressed to myself; I wouldn"t ask you in such a matter to write to Mr. Brown--a mere line, just stating that you regret having said anything in your fervour which should hurt any one"s feelings. The matter you know is now in my hands, and I pledge myself that shall suffice; I really think such a bagatelle as that cannot be objectionable to you. Were I in your place, I can a.s.sure you, Mr. Webb, as a man of honour, I should be delighted to do the same."
"Were you in my place, Major Longsword," replied the Counsellor, "you would, no doubt, act with more judgment than I shall do; but without wishing to say anything offensive to you, I may as well a.s.sure you at once that I will give no letter to any one on the subject."
"But, Mr. Webb, you cannot deny or justify the allusion--the very pointed allusion?"
"I certainly shall not deny it; indeed to you, Major Longsword, I have no objection to acknowledge it."
"And yet you"ll not just state your regret--in a note to myself mind!
Why, Mr. Webb, you can"t but regret it; you can"t desire bloodshed."
"Indeed, Major, I do not regret it. Your friend considered himself at liberty to accuse me in private--not by name, but by allusion, as you say--of certain feelings and opinions derogatory to me. I have retaliated in public. I believe now you will own that I consult your convenience best by telling you that Major Macdonnel, of Tramore, is my friend in this matter. He will make all arrangements with you for the immediate termination of this affair."
"I shall be proud to see the Major; but still let me hope, Mr. Webb, that this little affair may be arranged. As a magistrate, and as a man, I may say, not exactly in your _premiere jeunesse_--"
"As a magistrate, and as a man not exactly, as you say, in my _premiere jeunesse_, for I was fifty yesterday, let me a.s.sure you that if Mr. Brown intends to call me out, I shall go out. If he intends to let me alone, I shall be better pleased to be let alone; as for a word, or a line of retractation or apology, I will not give it."
"But, Mr. Webb--"
"Forgive me for interrupting you, but allow me to suggest that any further remarks you may have to make on the subject had better be made to my friend, Major Macdonnel."
"Would you allow me to put it to you in another light? Suppose now--"