And the show was on.
I stood in the shadow of the stable-tent, dressed in my frock-coat, white stock, white cords, and hunting-boots, sullen, imbittered, red with a false shame that better men than I have weakened under, almost desperate in my humiliation, almost ready to end it all there among those tawny, restless brutes pacing behind the bars at my elbow, watching me stealthily with luminous eyes.
She knew what I was--but that she could come to see with her own eyes I could not understand, I could not forgive. Speed"s senseless words rang in my ears--"She cares for you!" But I knew they were meaningless, I knew she could not care for me. What fools" paradise would he have me enter? What did he know of this woman whom I knew and understood--whom I honored for her tenderness and pity to all who suffered--who I knew counted me as one among a mult.i.tude of unhappy failures whom her kindness and sympathy might aid.
Because she had, in her gracious ignorance, given me a young girl"s impulsive friendship, was I to mistake her? What could Speed know of her--of her creed, her ideals, her calm, pa.s.sionless desire to help where help was needed--anywhere--in the palace, in the faubourgs, in the wretched chaumieres, in the slums? It was all one to her--to this young girl whose tender heart, bruised by her own sad life, opened to all on whom the evil days had dawned.
And yet she had come here--and that was cruel; and she was not cruel.
Could she know that I had a shred of pride left--one little, ragged thread of pride left in me--that she should come to see me do my mountebank tricks to the applause of a greasy throng?
No, she had not thought of that, else she would have stayed away; for she was kind, above all else--generous and kind.
Speed pa.s.sed me in ring-master"s dress; there came the hollow thud of hoofs as Mrs. Grigg galloped into the ring on her white mare, gauze skirts fluttering, whip raised; and, "Hoop-la!" squealed the clown as his pretty little wife went careering around and around the tan-bark, leaping through paper-hoops, over hurdles, while the band played frantically and the Bretons shouted in an ecstasy of excitement.
Then Grigg mounted his little trick donkey; roars of laughter greeted his discomfiture when Tim, the donkey, pitched him headlong and cantered off with a hee-haw of triumph.
Miss Delany tripped past me in her sky-blue tights to hold the audience spellbound with her jugglery, and spin plates and throw glittering knives until the satiated people turned to welcome Horan and his "cogged" dumbbells and clubs.
"Have you seen her?" whispered Speed, coming up to me, long whip trailing.
I shook my head.
He looked at me in disgust. "Here"s something for you," he said, shortly, and thrust an envelope into my hand.
In the envelope was a little card on which was written: "I ask you to be careful, for a friend"s sake." On the other side of the card was engraved her name.
I raised my head and looked at Speed, who began to laugh nervously.
"That"s better," he said; "you don"t look like a surly brute any more."
"Where is she?" I said, steadying my voice, which my leaping heart almost stifled.
He drew me by the elbow and looked toward the right of the amphitheatre. Following the direction of his eyes, I saw her leaning forward, pale-faced, grave, small, gloved hands interlocked. Beside her sat Sylvia Elven, apparently amused at the antics of the clown.
Shame filled me. Not the false shame I had felt--that vanished--but shame that I could have misunderstood the presence of this brave friend of mine, this brave, generous, tender-hearted girl, who had given me her friendship, who was true enough to care what might happen to me--and brave enough to say so.
"I will be careful," I said to Speed, in a low voice. "If it were not for Byram I would not go on to-day--but that is a matter of honor.
Oh, Speed," I broke out, "is she not worth dying for?"
"Why not live for her?" he observed, dryly.
"I will--don"t misunderstand me--I know she could never even think of me--as I do--of her--yes, as I dare to, Speed. I dare to love her with all this wretched heart and soul of mine! It"s all right--I think I am crazy to talk like this--but you are kind, Speed--you will forget what I said--you have forgotten it already--bless your heart--"
"No, I haven"t," he retorted, obstinately. "You must win her--you must! Shame on you for a coward if you do not speak that word which means life to you both!"
"Speed!" I began, angrily.
"Oh, go to the devil!" he snapped, and walked off to where Jacqueline stood glittering, her slim limbs striking fire from every silver scale.
"All ready, little sweetheart!" he cried, rea.s.suringly, as she raised her blue eyes to his and shook her elf-locks around her flushed face.
"It"s our turn now; they"re uncovering the tank, and Miss Crystal is on her trapeze. Are you nervous?"
"Not when you are by me," said Jacqueline.
"I"ll be there," he said, smiling. "You will see me when you are ready. Look! There"s the governor! It"s your call! Quick, my child!"
"Good-bye," said Jacqueline, catching his hand in both of hers, and she was off and in the middle of the ring before I could get to a place of vantage to watch.
Up into the rigging she swung, higher, higher, hanging like a brilliant fly in all that net-work of wire and rope, turning, twisting, climbing, dropping to her knees, until the people"s cheers rose to a sustained shriek.
"Ready!" quavered Miss Crystal, hanging from her own trapeze across the gulf.
It was the first signal. Jacqueline set her trapeze swinging and hung by her knees, face downward.
"Ready!" called Miss Crystal again, as Jacqueline"s trapeze swung higher and higher.
"Ready!" said Jacqueline, calmly.
"Go!"
[Ill.u.s.tration: "I WAS ON MY KNEES"]
Like a meteor the child flashed across the s.p.a.ce between the two trapezes; Miss Crystal caught her by her ankles.
"Ready?" called Speed, from the ground below. He had turned quite pale. I saw Jacqueline, hanging head down, smile at him from her dizzy height.
"Ready," she said, calmly.
"Go!"
Down, down, like a falling star, flashed Jacqueline into the shallow pool, then shot to the surface, shimmering like a leaping mullet, where she played and dived and darted, while the people screamed themselves hoa.r.s.e, and Speed came out, ghastly and trembling, colliding with me like a blind man.
"I wish I had never let her do it; I wish I had never brought her here--never seen her," he stammered. "She"ll miss it some day--like Miss Claridge--and it will be murder--and I"ll have done it! Anybody but that child, Scarlett, anybody else--but I can"t bear to have her die that way--the pretty little thing!"
He let go of my arm and stood back as my lion-cages came rolling out, drawn by four horses.
"It"s your turn," he said, in a dazed way. "Look out for that lioness."
As I walked out into the arena I saw only one face. She tried to smile, and so did I; but a terrible, helpless sensation was already creeping over me--the knowledge that I was causing her distress--the knowledge that I was no longer sure of myself--that, with my love for her, my authority over these caged things had gone, never to return. I knew it, I recognized it, and admitted it now. Speed"s words rang true--horribly true.
I entered the cage, afraid.
Almost instantly I was the centre of a snarling ma.s.s of lions; I saw nothing; my whip rose and fell mechanically. I stood like one stunned, while the tawny forms leaped right and left.
Suddenly I heard a keeper say, "Look out for Empress Khatoun, sir!"
And a moment later a cry, "Look out, sir!"
Something went wrong with another lion, too, for the people were standing up and shouting, and the sleeve of my coat hung from the elbow, showing my bare shoulder. I staggered up against the bars of the sliding door as a lioness struck me heavily and I returned the blow. I remember saying, aloud: "I must keep my feet; I must not fall!" Then daylight grew red, and I was on my knees, with the foul breath of a lion in my face. A hot iron bar shot across the cage. The roaring of beasts and people died out in my ears; then, with a shock, my soul seemed to be dashed out of me into a terrific darkness.