An emotion too complex for mere anger crossed his face, but his voice remained steady. "Why now, Alicia? What changed?"
"I was lonely." Her face still p.r.i.c.kled with heat and she knew from his expression that her shrug didn"t convince. "I thought I needed to do something to mark that I was a free woman. It was, in a way, our ten year anniversary."
A muscle flickered in his cheek. "And you wanted to punish me."
Did she? Even after all this time, turbulent emotion swirled beneath their interactions. She spoke with difficulty. "It"s been over ten years since I had a man in my bed. I"m twenty-eight years old. I thought . . . I thought it was time I tested the waters again."
"With that cream puff?" He released a huff of contemptuous laughter and made a slashing, contemptuous gesture with one hand. "If you"re going to kick over the traces, my girl, at least choose a man with blood in his veins."
"I"ve had a man with blood in his veins," she said in a low voice. "I didn"t like it."
That couldn"t be regret in his face, could it? One thing she remembered about Kinvarra was that he never accepted he was in the wrong. But when he spoke, he confounded her expectations.
"No, that"s not true. You had a selfish, impulsive boy in your bed, Alicia. Never mistake that."
Astonished, she stared at him kneeling before her. "You blamed me for everything. You said touching me was . . . was like making love to a log of wood."
This time it was his turn to flush and glance away. "I"m sorry you remembered that."
"It was rather memorable."
"No wonder you hated me."
She shrugged again, uncomfortable with the turn of the conversation. She hadn"t always hated him. During most of their year together, she"d believed she loved him. And every cruel word he"d spoken had scarred her youthful heart.
His unexpected honesty now forced her to recall how she"d called him a filthy, rutting animal and how she"d barred him from her bedroom when he"d accused her of lacking womanly pa.s.sion.
He"d had provocation for his cruelty. And he"d been young too. At the time, his four years seniority had seemed a lifetime. Now she realized he"d been a young man of twenty-one coping with a difficult wife, immature even for her seventeen years.
No wonder he"d been glad to see the back of her.
She swallowed the lump in her throat that felt like tears. "There"s no point going over all this history. Really we"re just chance-met strangers."
He sent her the half-smile that had made her seventeen-year-old heart somersault. Her mature self found the smile just as lethal. "Surely more than that." He raised his gla.s.s. "To my wife, the most beautiful woman I know."
"Stop it." She turned away, blinking back tears. This painful weight of emotion in her chest was only weariness. It wasn"t the recognition that she"d sacrificed something precious all those years ago and it was too late to get it back. "We just need to endure tonight, then it will be as though this meeting never happened."
Even in her own ears, her voice sounded choked with regret. She"d thought when she accepted Harold"s advances that she was over her inconvenient yen for her husband. How tragically wrong she"d been. Tonight proved she was as susceptible as ever.
She straightened her backbone against the chair in silent defiance. Kinvarra studied her with a speculative look in his black eyes and she gave a premonitory shiver. If she wasn"t careful, he"d have all her secrets. And she"d have no pride left. "Are you going to drink all that wine yourself?"
He laughed softly and raised his gla.s.s in another silent toast, as if awarding her a point in a contest. "Here. Have this one."
He pa.s.sed her the gla.s.s and tugged at her boot. She took a sip of the wine, hoping it would bolster her fort.i.tude. It didn"t. She supposed Kinvarra meant to attempt a seduction. Any man would with a woman in his bedchamber for the night. Although G.o.d knew why he"d be interested. If he"d wanted her any time in the past ten years, he could have sent for her. His long silence spoke volumes about his indifference.
His hands were brisk and efficient, almost impersonal, as he pulled her boots off. Automatically she stretched her legs out and wriggled her toes. A relieved sigh escaped her.
He looked up with a smile as he sat back. "Better?"
"Better," she admitted, taking some more wine. The rich flavour filled her mouth and slipped down her throat, somehow washing away a little more of her bitterness.
He laid one hand on her ankle. Even through the stocking, she felt the heat of that touch. "You always had cold feet."
She closed her eyes, refusing to obey the dictates of common sense telling her to pull back now. That she entered dangerous territory. "I still do."
"I"ll warm them up."
"Mmm."
She was so tired and the cosy room sapped her will. When Kinvarra began to rub her feet, gentle warmth stole up her legs. If his touch even hinted at encroaching further, she"d pull away. But all he did was buff her feet until she wanted to purr with pleasure.
"Don"t stop," she whispered even when her feet glowed with heat and he had to reach forwards to rescue the empty wine gla.s.s from her loosening hand.
As he straightened, he laughed softly and she struggled not to hear fondness in the sound.
Kinvarra wasn"t fond of her. He"d never been fond of her. She"d been foisted on him by family arrangement, an English heiress to fill the coffers of his Scottish earldom. Her foul behaviour during their year together had only confirmed his suspicions that he"d married a brat.
"Let"s have our supper before it gets cold. You"re exhausted."
She let him take her hand and raise her to her feet. It seemed odd that so much touching was involved in sharing this room. She hadn"t expected it. But she was in too much of a daze to protest as he led her to the small table and slid a filled plate before her.
She was so tired that it hardly registered that Kinvarra acted the perfect companion. When she couldn"t eat much of the hearty but simple fare, he summoned the maids to clear the room. He left without her asking to grant her privacy to prepare for bed. She was too tired to do more than a quick cat wash and she had no intention of removing her clothes. When he returned from the corridor, she was already in bed.
What happened now? Trepidation tightened her belly and she clutched the sheets to her chest like a nervous virgin.
He looked across at her, his eyes enigmatic in the candlelight. Inevitably the moment reminded her of her wedding night. He"d been the perfect companion then too. Her gentle knight, the beautiful earl her parents had chosen, the kind, smiling man who made her laugh. And who had taken her body with a painful urgency that had left her hurt and bewildered and crying.
After that, no matter what he did, she turned rigid with fear when he came to her bed. After a couple of weeks, he"d stopped approaching her. After a couple of months, he"d stopped speaking to her, except to quarrel. After a year, she"d suggested they live apart and he"d agreed without demur. Probably relieved to have his troublesome wife off his hands.
She lowered her eyes and pleated the sheets with unsteady fingers. "Are you coming to bed?"
He arched one eyebrow in mocking amus.e.m.e.nt. "Why, Lady Kinvarra, is that an invitation?"
She felt her colour rise. How ridiculous to be a worldly woman of twenty-eight and still blush like a seventeen-year-old. "It"s a cold night. You"ve had a hard ride. I trust you." Strangely, so quickly on top of her earlier uncertainty, it was true.
He released a short laugh and turned away. "More fool you."
Confused she watched him set the big carved chair beside the fire. He undressed down to breeches and a loose white shirt. "It"s only a few hours until dawn. I"ll do quite well here, thank you."
When he"d insisted they share a room, she"d wondered if he had some darker purpose. Some plan to take the wife who so profligately offered herself to another. To teach her who was her legal owner.
But his actions proved her wrong.
What did she expect? That he"d suddenly want her after all this time? She was a fool. She"d always been a fool where Sebastian Sinclair was concerned.
The constriction returned to her throat, the constriction that felt alarmingly like tears. She lay back and forced herself to speak. "Goodnight, then."
"Goodnight, Alicia."
He blew out the candles so only the glow of the fire remained. She listened to him settle. He tugged off his boots and drew his greatcoat over him for warmth. There was an odd intimacy in hearing the creak of the chair and his soft sigh as he extended his legs towards the blaze.
She stretched out. The bed was warm and soft and the sheets smelled fresh. She was weary to the bone but no matter how she wriggled, she couldn"t find that one comfortable spot.
Recollections of the day tormented her. Harold"s desertion, which should have been a considerably sharper blow than it was. If her original plans had eventuated, she"d now be lying in his arms. She should regret his weakness, his absence, but all she felt was vast relief. Her mind dwelled on Kinvarra"s unexpected gallantry. The fleeting moments of affinity. The powerful memories of their life together, memories that tonight stirred poignant sadness instead of furious resentment.
Kinvarra had turned the chair towards the hearth and all she could see of him was a gold-limned black shape. He was so still, he could be asleep. But something told her he was as wide awake as she.
"My Lord?" she whispered.
"Yes, Alicia?" He responded immediately. "Can"t you sleep?"
"No."
Their voices were hushed, which was absurd as there was n.o.body to hear. The wind rattled the windowpanes and a log cracked in the fireplace. He had been right, the weather had worsened.
"Are you cold?"
"No."
"Hungry?"
"No."
"What is it then, la.s.s?" He sounded tender and his Scottish burr was more marked than usual. She remembered that from their year together. When his emotions were engaged, traces of his Highland childhood softened his speech.
Strangely that hint of vulnerability made her answer honestly. "Come and lie down beside me. You can"t be comfortable in that chair."
He didn"t shift. "No."
"Oh."
She huddled into the bed and drew the blankets about her neck as if hiding from the cruel truth. Hurt seared her. Of course he wouldn"t share the bed. He hated her. How could she forget? He just played the gentleman to a lady in distress. He"d do the same for anyone. Just because Alicia was his wife didn"t make her special.
When they"d first married, she"d tried to establish some rapport between them in the daylight hours, but when she"d rebuffed him in bed, he"d rebuffed her during the day. He hadn"t wanted her childish adoration. He"d wanted a woman who gave him pleasure between the sheets, not a silly little girl who froze into a block of ice the instant her husband touched her.
She blinked back the tears that had hovered close so often tonight. She"d cried enough over the Earl of Kinvarra. She"d cried enough tears to fill the deep, dark waters of Loch Varra that extended down the glen from Balmuir House, his ancestral home.
"h.e.l.l, Alicia, I"m sorry. Don"t cry." She opened her eyes and through the mist of tears saw he"d risen to watch her. The fire lent enough light for her to notice that he looked tormented and unsure. Nothing like the all-powerful earl.
"I"m not crying," she said in a thick voice. "I"m just tired."
His mouth lengthened at her unconvincing a.s.sertion. He reached out with one hand to clutch the back of the chair. "Go to sleep."
"I can"t." She wondered why she didn"t let him be instead of courting further misery like this.
"d.a.m.n it, Alicia . . ." He drew in a shuddering breath and the hand on the chair tightened so the knuckles shone white in the flickering firelight.
"I"m not . . . I"m not attempting to seduce you," she said, and suddenly wondered if she was being completely truthful. What in heaven"s name was wrong with her? Surely she couldn"t want to revisit the humiliations of her married life.
Kinvarra was as taut as a violin string. Tension vibrated in the air. "I know. But if I get into that bed, there"s no way I"ll keep my hands to myself. And I don"t want to hurt you again. I couldn"t bear to hurt you again."
She was shocked to hear the naked pain in his voice. This wasn"t the man she remembered. That man hadn"t cared that his pa.s.sion had frightened and bewildered his inexperienced bride.
This man sent excitement skittering through her veins and made her ache for his touch. She raised herself against the headboard and drew in a breath to calm her rioting heartbeat. Another breath.
Her voice was soft but steady as she spoke. "Then be gentle, Sebastian."
Alicia hadn"t used his Christian name since the earliest days of their marriage. The shock of hearing her say "Sebastian" meant he needed a couple of seconds to register what else she"d said.
His grip on the chair became punishing.
He must be mistaken. She couldn"t be offering herself. She"d never offered herself in all these many years. Even in the beginning, he"d always had to take. He"d come to hate it, so that when she"d finally suggested a separation after those miserable months together, he"d almost been relieved.
Of course, he hadn"t realized then that his agreement would lead to ten excruciating years without her.
She sat up in the bed and watched him with a glow in her blue eyes that in any other woman he"d read as blatant s.e.xual interest. She"d taken her beautiful hair down and it flowed around her shoulders, catching the firelight. She became his fantasy Alicia. He had to be dreaming.
A frown crossed her face, he guessed at his continuing silence. "Sebastian?"
"You don"t know what you"re asking," he said in a constricted voice, wondering why the h.e.l.l he tried to talk her out of fulfilling his dearest hopes.
He"d wanted his wife for ten lonely years and now she was near enough to touch. He"d always been blackguard enough to want more from their forced intimacy tonight than mere conversation.
Then he"d remembered those disastrous encounters at Balmuir House. He couldn"t bring himself to inflict himself upon her once again.
She raised her chin, a signal of bravado that had been familiar in the young Alicia. The memory made his gut clench with longing.
"You"ve chased one lover away. Honour compels you to offer recompense." Then in a less confident voice: "Sebastian, once you wanted me. I know you did."
He swallowed and forced his response from a tight throat. "I still do."
She"d taken her thick red cloak off when she entered the room. Now she raised trembling hands to the b.u.t.tons on her mannish ensemble. An ensemble that looked anything but mannish on her lush figure.
Her travelling garb was cut like a riding habit and the white shirt was suitably modest, high at the throat. Even so, when her fumbling fingers loosened that top b.u.t.ton, every drop of moisture dried from his mouth and his heart crashed against his ribs.
The Earl of Kinvarra was accounted a brave man. But he recognized the emotion holding him paralysed as ice-cold fear.
Tonight provided a miraculous second chance to heal the breach in his marriage. But if he hurt Alicia again, he"d never have another opportunity to bring her back to him.
He needed patience, restraint and understanding to seduce his wife into pleasure. Yet he burned like a devil in h.e.l.l. What was he to do? He wanted her too much. And wanting her too much would destroy the fragile, uncertain intimacy building between them in this quiet room.
When his family had presented him with such a beautiful bride, he"d been sure they"d find joy in each other. Instead every coupling had been furtive and shameful, accomplished in darkness and ending with his wife in tears. No wonder he"d lost his taste for forcing himself upon her, although to his endless torment, his desire had never waned.
The shirt fell open another fraction, revealing a delicate line of collarbone and a shadowy hint of her b.r.e.a.s.t.s. She still studied him with an unwavering stare. Her hand dropped to the next b.u.t.ton.
"Stop," he said hoa.r.s.ely.
Her hand paused. "Stop?" The vulnerability that flooded her face carved a rift in his heart. "You said . . ."