The pa.s.sion of tears lay just below the quiet voice all unbetrayed.
Somehow she kept them back.
There was a pause, and then he added:
"I find it more and more so every day." His voice pa.s.sed through the lamp-lit room like a murmur of the wind in branches. The look of youth and happiness she had caught upon his face out there had wholly gone, and an expression of weariness was in its place, as of a man distressed vaguely at finding himself in uncongenial surroundings where he is slightly ill at ease. It was the house he hated--coming back to rooms and walls and furniture. The ceilings and closed windows confined him.
Yet, in it, no suggestion that he found _her_ irksome. Her presence seemed of no account at all; indeed, he hardly noticed her. For whole long periods he lost her, did not know that she was there. He had no need of her. He lived alone. Each lived alone.
The outward signs by which she recognized that the awful battle was against her and the terms of surrender accepted were pathetic. She put the medicine-chest away upon the shelf; she gave the orders for his pocket-luncheon before he asked; she went to bed alone and early, leaving the front door unlocked, with milk and bread and b.u.t.ter in the hall beside the lamp--all concessions that she felt impelled to make.
Fore more and more, unless the weather was too violent, he went out after dinner even, staying for hours in the woods. But she never slept until she heard the front door close below, and knew soon afterwards his careful step come creeping up the stairs and into the room so softly.
Until she heard his regular deep breathing close beside her, she lay awake. All strength or desire to resist had gone for good. The thing against her was too huge and powerful. Capitulation was complete, a fact accomplished. She dated it from the day she followed him to the Forest.
Moreover, the time for evacuation--her own evacuation--seemed approaching. It came stealthily ever nearer, surely and slowly as the rising tide she used to dread. At the high-water mark she stood waiting calmly--waiting to be swept away. Across the lawn all those terrible days of early winter the encircling Forest watched it come, guiding its silent swell and currents towards her feet. Only she never once gave up her Bible or her praying. This complete resignation, moreover, had somehow brought to her a strange great understanding, and if she could not share her husband"s horrible abandonment to powers outside himself, she could, and did, in some half-groping way grasp at shadowy meanings that might make such abandonment--possible, yes, but more than merely possible--in some extraordinary sense not evil.
Hitherto she had divided the beyond-world into two sharp halves--spirits good or spirits evil. But thoughts came to her now, on soft and very tentative feet, like the footsteps of the G.o.ds which are on wool, that besides these definite cla.s.ses, there might be other Powers as well, belonging definitely to neither one nor other. Her thought stopped dead at that. But the big idea found lodgment in her little mind, and, owing to the largeness of her heart, remained there unejected. It even brought a certain solace with it.
The failure--or unwillingness, as she preferred to state it--of her G.o.d to interfere and help, that also she came in a measure to understand.
For here, she found it more and more possible to imagine, was perhaps no positive evil at work, but only something that usually stands away from humankind, something alien and not commonly recognized. There _was_ a gulf fixed between the two, and Mr. Sanderson _had_ bridged it, by his talk, his explanations, his att.i.tude of mind. Through these her husband had found the way into it. His temperament and natural pa.s.sion for the woods had prepared the soul in him, and the moment he saw the way to go he took it--the line of least resistance. Life was, of course, open to all, and her husband had the right to choose it where he would. He had chosen it--away from her, away from other men, but not necessarily away from G.o.d. This was an enormous concession that she skirted, never really faced; it was too revolutionary to face. But its possibility peeped into her bewildered mind. It might delay his progress, or it might advance it. Who could know? And why should G.o.d, who ordered all things with such magnificent detail, from the pathway of a sun to the falling of a sparrow, object to his free choice, or interfere to hinder him and stop?
She came to realize resignation, that is, in another aspect. It gave her comfort, if not peace. She fought against all belittling of her G.o.d. It was, perhaps, enough that He--knew.
"You are not alone, dear in the trees out there?" she ventured one night, as he crept on tiptoe into the room not far from midnight. "G.o.d is with you?"
"Magnificently," was the immediate answer, given with enthusiasm, "for He is everywhere. And I only wish that you--"
But she stuffed the clothes against her ears. That invitation on his lips was more than she could bear to hear. It seemed like asking her to hurry to her own execution. She buried her face among the sheets and blankets, shaking all over like a leaf.
~IX~
And so the thought that she was the one to go remained and grew. It was, perhaps, first sign of that weakening of the mind which indicated the singular manner of her going. For it was her mental opposition, the trees felt, that stood in their way. Once that was overcome, obliterated, her physical presence did not matter. She would be harmless.
Having accepted defeat, because she had come to feel that his obsession was not actually evil, she accepted at the same time the conditions of an atrocious loneliness. She stood now from her husband farther than from the moon. They had no visitors. Callers were few and far between, and less encouraged than before. The empty dark of winter was before them. Among the neighbors was none in whom, without disloyalty to her husband, she could confide. Mr. Mortimer, had he been single, might have helped her in this desert of solitude that preyed upon her mind, but his wife was there the obstacle; for Mrs. Mortimer wore sandals, believed that nuts were the complete food of man, and indulged in other idiosyncrasies that cla.s.sed her inevitably among the "latter signs"
which Mrs. Bittacy had been taught to dread as dangerous. She stood most desolately alone.
Solitude, therefore, in which the mind unhindered feeds upon its own delusions, was the a.s.signable cause of her gradual mental disruption and collapse.
With the definite arrival of the colder weather her husband gave up his rambles after dark; evenings were spent together over the fire; he read The Times; they even talked about their postponed visit abroad in the coming spring. No restlessness was on him at the change; he seemed content and easy in his mind; spoke little of the trees and woods; enjoyed far better health than if there had been change of scene, and to herself was tender, kind, solicitous over trifles, as in the distant days of their first honeymoon.
But this deep calm could not deceive her; it meant, she fully understood, that he felt sure of himself, sure of her, and sure of the trees as well. It all lay buried in the depths of him, too secure and deep, too intimately established in his central being to permit of those surface fluctuations which betray disharmony within. His life was hid with trees. Even the fever, so dreaded in the damp of winter, left him free. She now knew why: the fever was due to their efforts to obtain him, his efforts to respond and go--physical results of a fierce unrest he had never understood till Sanderson came with his wicked explanations. Now it was otherwise. The bridge was made. And--he had gone.
And she, brave, loyal, and consistent soul, found herself utterly alone, even trying to make his pa.s.sage easy. It seemed that she stood at the bottom of some huge ravine that opened in her mind, the walls whereof instead of rock were trees that reached enormous to the sky, engulfing her. G.o.d alone knew that she was there. He watched, permitted, even perhaps approved. At any rate--He knew.
During those quiet evenings in the house, moreover, while they sat over the fire listening to the roaming winds about the house, her husband knew continual access to the world his alien love had furnished for him.
Never for a single instant was he cut off from it. She gazed at the newspaper spread before his face and knees, saw the smoke of his cheroot curl up above the edge, noticed the little hole in his evening socks, and listened to the paragraphs he read aloud as of old. But this was all a veil he spread about himself of purpose. Behind it--he escaped. It was the conjurer"s trick to divert the sight to unimportant details while the essential thing went forward un.o.bserved. He managed wonderfully; she loved him for the pains he took to spare her distress; but all the while she knew that the body lolling in that armchair before her eyes contained the merest fragment of his actual self. It was little better than a corpse. It was an empty sh.e.l.l. The essential soul of him was out yonder with the Forest--farther out near that ever-roaring heart of it.
And, with the dark, the Forest came up boldly and pressed against the very walls and windows, peering in upon them, joining hands above the slates and chimneys. The winds were always walking on the lawn and gravel paths; steps came and went and came again; some one seemed always talking in the woods, some one was in the building too. She pa.s.sed them on the stairs, or running soft and m.u.f.fled, very large and gentle, down the pa.s.sages and landings after dusk, as though loose fragments of the Day had broken off and stayed there caught among the shadows, trying to get out. They blundered silently all about the house. They waited till she pa.s.sed, then made a run for it. And her husband always knew. She saw him more than once deliberately avoid them--because _she_ was there.
More than once, too, she saw him stand and listen when he thought she was not near, then heard herself the long bounding stride of their approach across the silent garden. Already _he_ had heard them in the windy distance of the night, far, far away. They sped, she well knew, along that glade of mossy turf by which she last came out; it cushioned their tread exactly as it had cushioned her own.
It seemed to her the trees were always in the house with him, and in their very bedroom. He welcomed them, unaware that she also knew, and trembled.
One night in their bedroom it caught her unawares. She woke out of deep sleep and it came upon her before she could gather her forces for control.
The day had been wildly boisterous, but now the wind had dropped, only its rags went fluttering through the night. The rays of the full moon fell in a shower between the branches. Overhead still raced the scud and wrack, shaped like hurrying monsters; but below the earth was quiet.
Still and dripping stood the hosts of trees. Their trunks gleamed wet and sparkling where the moon caught them. There was a strong smell of mould and fallen leaves. The air was sharp--heavy with odor.
And she knew all this the instant that she woke; for it seemed to her that she had been elsewhere--following her husband--as though she had been _out_! There was no dream at all, merely the definite, haunting certainty. It dived away, lost, buried in the night. She sat upright in bed. She had come back.
The room shone pale in the moonlight reflected through the windows, for the blinds were up, and she saw her husband"s form beside her, motionless in deep sleep. But what caught her unawares was the horrid thing that by this fact of sudden, unexpected waking she had surprised these other things in the room, beside the very bed, gathered close about him while he slept. It was their dreadful boldness--herself of no account as it were--that terrified her into screaming before she could collect her powers to prevent. She screamed before she realized what she did--a long, high shriek of terror that filled the room, yet made so little actual sound. For wet and shimmering presences stood grouped all round that bed. She saw their outline underneath the ceiling, the green, spread bulk of them, their vague extension over walls and furniture.
They shifted to and fro, ma.s.sed yet translucent, mild yet thick, moving and turning within themselves to a hushed noise of mult.i.tudinous soft rustling. In their sound was something very sweet and sinning that fell into her with a spell of horrible enchantment. They were so mild, each one alone, yet so terrific in their combination. Cold seized her. The sheets against her body had turned to ice.
She screamed a second time, though the sound hardly issued from her throat. The spell sank deeper, reaching to the heart; for it softened all the currents of her blood and took life from her in a stream--towards themselves. Resistance in that moment seemed impossible.
Her husband then stirred in his sleep, and woke. And, instantly, the forms drew up, erect, and gathered themselves in some amazing way together. They lessened in extent--then scattered through the air like an effect of light when shadows seek to smother it. It was tremendous, yet most exquisite. A sheet of pale-green shadow that yet had form and substance filled the room. There was a rush of silent movement, as the Presences drew past her through the air,--and they were gone.
But, clearest of all, she saw the manner of their going; for she recognized in their tumult of escape by the window open at the top, the same wide "looping circles"--spirals as it seemed--that she had seen upon the lawn those weeks ago when Sanderson had talked. The room once more was empty.
In the collapse that followed, she heard her husband"s voice, as though coming from some great distance. Her own replies she heard as well. Both were so strange and unlike their normal speech, the very words unnatural.
"What is it, dear? Why do you wake me _now_ ?" And his voice whispered it with a sighing sound, like wind in pine boughs.
"A moment since something went past me through the air of the room. Back to the night outside it went." Her voice, too, held the same note as of wind entangled among too many leaves.
"My dear, it _was_ the wind."
"But it called, David. It was calling _you_--by name!"
"The air of the branches, dear, was what you heard. Now, sleep again, I beg you, sleep."
"It had a crowd of eyes all through and over it--before and behind--"
Her voice grew louder. But his own in reply sank lower, far away, and oddly hushed.
"The moonlight, dear, upon the sea of twigs and boughs in the rain, was what you saw."
"But it frightened me. I"ve lost my G.o.d--and you--I"m cold as death!"
"My dear, it is the cold of the early morning hours. The whole world sleeps. Now sleep again yourself."
He whispered close to her ear. She felt his hand stroking her. His voice was soft and very soothing. But only a part of him was there; only a part of him was speaking; it was a half-emptied body that lay beside her and uttered these strange sentences, even forcing her own singular choice of words. The horrible, dim enchantment of the trees was close about them in the room--gnarled, ancient, lonely trees of winter, whispering round the human life they loved.
"And let me sleep again," she heard him murmur as he settled down among the clothes, "sleep back into that deep, delicious peace from which you called me."
His dreamy, happy tone, and that look of youth and joy she discerned upon his features even in the filtered moonlight, touched her again as with the spell of those shining, mild green presences. It sank down into her. She felt sleep grope for her. On the threshold of slumber one of those strange vagrant voices that loss of consciousness lets loose cried faintly in her heart--
"There is joy in the Forest over one sinner that--"
Then sleep took her before she had time to realize even that she was vilely parodying one of her most precious texts, and that the irreverence was ghastly.