*So did I." Sidney Grice ground his burnt toast into a powder and sprinkled it into his bowl of prune juice.
Far away and below us the doorbell rang.
*Molly has forgotten something." He tossed his napkin onto the tablecloth.
*How do you know that?"
*Because I do what I am unable to persuade you to do a use my ears. She is answering the door in her heavy outdoor boots. Therefore she must be planning on going out for an essential supply."
I listened but I could hear nothing until our maid began to mount the stairs to the first floor dining room.
*You have a caller, Sir, a gent." Her red hair was escaping either side of her white starched cap. *He said he must see you on..." a She screwed up her face in an effort to remember a *a matter of the outmost importance."
*Did he give you a card?"
*Yes Sir." And, as my guardian had deduced, Molly had her outside boots on.
*Where is it?"
*In my pocket."
*Why not on a tray? Never mind. Just give it to me."
Molly held out the card and her employer s.n.a.t.c.hed it away.
*Mr Horatio Green." He shivered. *What a revoltingly bucolic surname. Where is he now?"
*Outside, Sir. You told me to admit no one without your permission."
Sidney Grice stood up. *Then show him to my study at once." He untied his patch. *Idiotic girl. You never obey my instructions when I want you to." He stood up, took a steely-blue gla.s.s eye from the velvet pouch in his waistcoat pocket, pulled his lids apart and pressed it into his right socket, checked his tie in the mantle mirror and pushed back his thick black hair with his hand. *You had better come too, March. All this moping about has made you even more irritable and irritating than usual."
3.
The Visitor and Party Tricks I followed him down the stairs, his shoulder dipping jerkily with his left leg, and into his study. A plump middle-aged man in a navy blue coat and charcoal trousers was already seated to the right of the fireplace, his hand to his cheek. This was my usual chair but Molly would have never have dared allow him to sit in her employer"s. The moment we appeared our visitor jumped up and grasped my guardian"s hand.
*Mr Grice. It is such a thrill to meet you. I have read so much about you in the newspapers."
*You will have been hard pressed to have found an accurate fact then," Sidney Grice told him.
*And you must be Miss Middleton," Mr Green compressed my hand in his. *I believe you helped Mr Grice solve the Ashby stabbing case."
My guardian adjusted his eye.* She may have accompanied me on that case," he said, *but I can a.s.sure you she was nothing but a hindrance. Ring for tea Miss Middleton."
*I shall try my idiotic best." I pulled the bell rope twice as the two of them sat facing each other and got myself an upright chair from the round central table.
*Go on then." Mr Green flushed with excitement and Sidney Grice blinked.
*What?"
*Make a series of ingenious observations about me."
My guardian stretched languidly. *I do not perform party tricks." But our visitor leant forwards and urged, *Oh come on. Tell me something about myself."
Sidney Grice waved a bored hand. *Apart from the fact that you are a pharmacist..."
Mr Green touched his cheek and asked, *How the blazes..? It is almost supernatural. Do I have faint stains of chemicals on my hands?" He scrutinised his fingers. *I cannot see any."
*It is written on your calling card," my guardian said. *Now if..."
*Well that is not much of a trick then, is it?" Mr Green said. *Do another one."
*You are suffering with an earache," Sidney Grice told him, *though not as much as I might wish."
Mr Green stroked his left ear in confirmation. *I have been a martyr to it since my eardrum was burst by an earwig when I was fourteen."
I laughed. *But surely the belief that earwigs burrow into one"s ear is an old wives" tale?" And Mr Green became sorrowful. *I am living proof that is not." He put his fingertips to his left temple. *But a child could have worked that out from the cotton wool in it. Say something cleverer."
Sidney Grice scratched his head in exasperation. *How am I supposed to know what is or is not obvious to a man of your mean ac.u.men when everything about you is obvious to me? For instance, you are clearly a bachelor."
Mr Green thought about this and said at last, *Very well. I give up. How did you work that one out?"
*Three reasons," my guardian explained. *Firstly the b.u.t.ton st.i.tching on your waistcoat is at least four years out of style a five if you live in one of the better squares, which you do not a and no wife would allow her husband to be abroad so unfashionably attired. Secondly...."
*Yes but what if I choose to ignore sartorial trends and my wife is too meek to prevent me?"
Sidney Grice gave a clipped laugh. *Yet more proof that you are unmarried. You must have been reading the small-brained scribblings of Mr d.i.c.kens if you believe that such a thing as a meek wife exists outside the bindings of one of his tawdry novels. Secondly, you do not wear a wedding band a which many men do not a but since you are a Roman Catholic..."
*Can you smell incense on me?"
*I can smell something," I said but both men ignored me.
*Your rosary is hanging out of your coat pocket," Sidney Grice observed. *Thirdly and most conclusively you are such an insufferable man that no sane woman would ever consent to being your wife and an insane woman is barred by law from entering into the marriage contract."
Mr Green clenched his jaw and half stood. His mouth worked itself into forming a reply but then he beamed and fell back laughing heartily. *Capital. Capital. Your rudeness is as famous as you are Mr Grice and now I shall be able to tell all my customers that I have been a recipient of it."
*I can give you much more than that to report," my guardian said. *I could discourse at length upon your imbecilic grin for example or..."
Mr Green blushed. *I can take a joke as well as any man but..."
*So how was your trip to the dentist?" I asked and my guardian glanced at me.
*But..." Mr Green said again.
*I can smell it on you," I explained, *and you keep touching your right cheek."
Mr Green clapped his hands. *Why, you will be putting your guardian out of work. I..."
*Perhaps you could tell me why you are taking up my time," Sidney Grice broke in and our visitor"s smile vanished.
*It is a bad business Mr Grice," he said as Molly came coughing in with the tea.
4.
The Society of Fools *A very bad business," Mr Green said when Molly had gone. *Have you ever heard of final death societies, Mr Grice?"
*I have three such societies in my files," Sidney Grice said, *and in all of them some of the members were murdered or died in extremely dubious circ.u.mstances but, as I was not called upon to a.s.sist in any of the cases, they remain unsolved."
I poured three cups of tea and asked, *What exactly is a final death society?"
*It is an a.s.sociation of fools," my guardian said, *with large estates and microscopic traces of common sense."
Our caller straightened indignantly. *Let me describe it in less emotional terms," he began but it was Sidney Grice"s turn to bridle.
*The whole world knows I have no emotions," he said, *other than my twin loves a of possessions and the truth."
*Milk and sugar?" I asked and Mr Green nodded.
*The societies are groups of men," he explained, *though in our case we have two lady members a who either have no heirs or have heirs that they do not care for. They make wills for a sum of money usually based upon the total a.s.sets of the poorest member, all of them being independently audited. These testaments are put into the hands of a mutually employed solicitor who will collect and manage their estates as they die and release the total funds to the final surviving member. For he takes a twenty per cent share of any increase in the value of the fund. The..."
*In other words," Sidney Grice broke in, *all the members have a vested interest in ensuring the prior demise of their fellows."
*Which is why I am approaching you." Horatio Green raised his teacup carefully with both hands. *You see seven of us formed the club and we all lodged a promise of eleven thousand pounds each into the fund, the surviving member to receive the grand sum of seventy thousand pounds plus any interest that has accrued in the meantime."
*And who gets the remaining seven thousand pounds?" my guardian enquired.
*Why you do, Mr Grice," our visitor said.
Sidney Grice checked his watch. *Explain."
Mr Green sipped his tea. *We are not so reckless as you suppose Mr Grice. Firstly we allowed only those of the highest character to join our society and secondly we hit upon the stratagem of investigating the death of every member no matter how natural their pa.s.sing may seem. For this we agreed to engage the skills of the finest independent detective in the empire."
*Then you have come to the right address," my guardian said.
*However," Mr Green continued, *Mr Cochran was unwilling to take up the challenge and so I have come to you."
Sidney Grice shot a hand to his eye. *Am I a pigeon to peck at that vain imposter"s crumbs?"
Mr Green put down his cup and chuckled. *Got you there, Mr Grice. You see you are not the only one who can be rude. You are, of course, our first and only choice."
*I still consider it a great impertinence that I was not approached before now." My guardian eyed him icily and considered the matter. *If I accept your brief Mr Green..." a He tapped his watch and edged the minute hand forwards a *it will only be because the prospect of investigating your death will bring me boundless joy. Let us hope I shall not have to wait too long."
Mr Green put his thumbs in his waistcoat pockets and drummed his fingers.
*Well, come what may," he said. *I shall not be the first. We have only been const.i.tuted for a week and we have already lost one member."
*I am so deeply sorry," my guardian said.
*Well thank you but..."
*That I ever employed that useless lumpen serving wench," Sidney Grice continued. *This tea is as weak as a Frenchman and why is she creeping about in the hall?"
*I cannot hear her," I said.
Mr Green c.o.c.ked his head. *Nor I."
*Dull minds have dull senses," my guardian told us and tugged the bell rope sharply twice. *I suppose I had better take the details."
*His name was Edwin Slab," Mr Green began but my guardian raised a hand to silence him.
*You will provide the information as and when I ask for it. Now..." He took a small red leather-bound notebook from the table by his chair and his silver-plated Mordan Mechanical pencil from his inside coat pocket. *What is the name of your ridiculous society?"
*We called it the Last Death Club."
*Ingenious," Sidney Grice murmured. *And who are the other members?"
*I have made out a list with all our member"s names, addresses, occupations and ages." Mr Green proffered a folded piece of paper but Sidney Grice sat back, closed his eyes and said, *Read it to me. Just the names and ages for now."
Our visitor unfolded the sheet, hooked a pair of horn-rimmed spectacles over his ears and began, *Edwin Slab aged eighty one."
My guardian raised his eyebrow. *An unlikely winner then." But Mr Green demurred.
*We tried to organise our club so that all members had similar life expectancies. The Slabs have a long history of centenarians and until yesterday Edwin Slab was in perfect health."
*You were friends?"
*The best of. I introduced him to the society."
*So how did Mr Slab end up on one?"
There was a clatter and Sidney Grice spun around. *Filthy footling tykes," he said. *Why have those street urchins nothing better to do than throw stones at my windows? There is no shortage of blocked drains they could be sent down."
*And no shortage of rats and disease to attack them there," I said but my guardian was unmoved.
*No harm done this time," Mr Green observed. *You should have seen what they did to my pharmacy last night. I was just about to shut up shop when a group of boys burst in and started throwing stock off the shelves. I tried to stop them and got knocked over for my troubles. If a vicar had not turned up with his daughter and frightened them away, I dread to think what they would have done."
*Did they steal anything?" I asked.