[Ill.u.s.tration: Tailpiece to _A Garden of Lies_]
[Ill.u.s.tration: Headpiece to _The Celebrity in Love_]
_THE CELEBRITY IN LOVE_
While the boy sat alone, in wistful idleness, there came a knock at the door--a pompous rat-tat-tat, with a stout tap-tap or two added, once and for all to put the quality of the visitor beyond doubt. The door was then cautiously pushed ajar to admit the head of the personage thus impressively heralded. And a most extraordinary head it was--of fearsome aspect; nothing but long and intimate familiarity could resign the beholder to the unexpected appearance of it. Long, tawny hair, now sadly unkempt, fell abundantly from crown to shoulders; and hair as tawny, as luxuriantly thick, almost as long, completely covered the face, from every part of which it sprang, growing s.h.a.ggy and rank at the eyebrows, which served to ambush two sharp little eyes: so that the whole bore a precise resemblance to an ill-natured Skye terrier. It is superfluous to add that this was at once the face and the fortune of Toto, the Dog-faced Man, known in private life, to as many intimates as a jealous profession can tolerate, as Mr. Poddle: for the present disabled from public appearance by the quality of the air supplied to the exhibits at Hockley"s Musee, his lungs being, as he himself expressed it, "not gone, by no means, but gittin" restless."
"Mother gone?" asked the Dog-faced Man.
"She has gone, Mr. Poddle," the boy answered, "to dine with the Mayor."
"Oh!" Mr. Poddle e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.ed.
"Why do you say that?" the boy asked, frowning uneasily. "You always say, "Oh!""
"Do I? "Oh!" Like that?"
"Why do you do it?"
"Celebrities," replied Mr. Poddle, testily, entering at that moment, "is not accountable. Me bein" one, don"t ask me no questions."
"Oh!" said the boy.
Mr. Poddle sat himself in a chair by the window: and there began to catch and vent his breath; but whether in melancholy sighs or snorts of indignation it was impossible to determine. Having by these violent means restored himself to a state of feeling more nearly normal, he trifled for a time with the rings flashing on his thin, white fingers, listlessly brushed the dust from the skirt of his rusty frock coat, heaved a series of unmistakable sighs: whereupon--and by this strange occupation the boy was quite fascinated--he drew a little comb, a little brush, a little mirror, from his pocket; and having set up the mirror in a convenient place, he proceeded to dress his hair, with particular attention to the eyebrows, which, by and by, he tenderly braided into two limp little horns: so that "twas not long before he looked much less like a frowsy Skye terrier, much more like an owl.
"The hour, Richard," he sighed, as he deftly parted his hair in the middle of his nose, "has came!"
With such fond and hopeless feeling were these enigmatical words charged that the boy could do nothing but heave a sympathetic sigh.
"You see before you, Richard, what you never seen before. A man in the clutches," Mr. Poddle tragically pursued, giving a vicious little twist to his left eyebrow, "of the tender pa.s.sion!"
"Oh!" the boy muttered.
""Fame,"" Mr. Poddle continued, improvising a newspaper head-line, to make himself clear, ""No Shield Against the Little G.o.d"s Darts." Git me? The high and the low gits the arrows in the same place."
"Does it--hurt?"
"Hurt!" cried Mr. Poddle, furiously. "It"s perfectly excrugiating!
Hurt? Why----"
"Mr. Poddle, excuse me," the boy interrupted, "but you are biting your mustache."
"Thanks," said Mr. Poddle, promptly. "Glad to know it. Can"t afford to lose no more hirsute adornment. And I"m give to ravagin" it in moments of excitement, especially sorrow. Always tell me."
"I will," the boy gravely promised.
"The Pink-eyed Albino," Mr. Poddle continued, now released from the necessity of commanding his feelings, in so far as the protection of his hair was concerned, "was fancy; the Circa.s.sian Beauty was fascination; the Female Sampson was the hallugination of sky-blue tights; but the Mexican Sword Swallower," he murmured, with a melancholy wag, "is----"
"Mr. Poddle," the boy warned, "you are--at it again."
"Thanks," said Mr. Poddle, hastily eliminating the danger. "What I was about to remark," was his lame conclusion, "was that the Mexican Sword Swallower is _love_."
"Oh!"
The Dog-faced Man snapped a sigh in two. "Richard," he insinuated suspiciously, "what you sayin", "Oh!" for?"
"Wasn"t the Bearded Lady, love?"
"Love!" laughed Mr. Poddle. "Ha, ha! Far from it! Not so! The Bearded Lady was the snare of ambition. "Marriage Arranged Between the Young Duke of Blueblood and the Daughter of the Clothes-pin King.
Millions of the Higgleses to Repair the Duke"s Shattered Fortunes."
Git me? "Wedding of the Bearded Lady and the Dog-faced Man. Sunday Afternoon at Hockley"s Popular Musee. No Extra Charge for Admission.
Fabulous Quant.i.ty of Human Hair on Exhibition At the Same Instant.
Hirsute Wonders To Tour the Country at Enormous Expense." Git me?
Same thing. Love? Ha, ha! Not so! There"s no more love in _that_,"
Mr. Poddle concluded, bitterly, "than----"
"Mr. Poddle, you are----"
"Thanks," faltered Mr. Poddle. "As I was about to remark when you--ah--come to the rescue--love is froze out of high life. Us natural phenomenons is the slaves of our inheritages."
"But you said the Bearded Lady was love at last!"
""Duke Said To Be Madly In Love With the American Beauty,"" Mr. Poddle composedly replied.
"I don"t quite--get you?"
"Us celebrities has our secrets. High life is hollow. Public must be took into account. "Sacrificed On His Country"s Altar." Git me?
"Good of the Profession." Broken hearts--and all that."
"Would you have broken the Bearded Lady"s heart?"
Mr. Poddle was by this recalled to his own lamentable condition. "I"ve gone and broke my own," he burst out; "for I"m give to understand that the lovely Sword Swallower is got entangled with a tattooed man. Not,"
Mr. Poodle hastily added, "with a _real_ tattooed man! Not by no means! Far from it! _He"s only half done!_ Git me? His legs is finished; and I"m give to understand that the Chinese dragon on his back is gettin" near the end of its tail. There _may_ be a risin" sun on his chest, and a snake drawed out on his waist; of that I"ve heard rumors, but I ain"t had no reports. Not," said Mr. Poddle, impressively, "what you might call undenigeable reports. And Richard,"
he whispered, in great excitement and contempt, "that there half-cooked freak won"t be done for a year! He"s bein" worked over on the installment plan. And I"m give to understand that she"ll wait! Oh, wimmen!" the Dog-faced Man apostrophized. "Took by shapes and complexions----"
"Mr. Poddle, excuse me," the boy interrupted, diffidently, "but your eyebrow----"
"Thanks," Mr. Poddle groaned, his frenzy collapsing. "As I was about to say, wimmen is like arithmetic; there ain"t a easy sum in the book."
"Mr. Poddle!"
"Thanks," said Mr. Poddle, in deep disgust. "Am I at it again?