The hunter sat beside her pretending to be occupied with the book he had taken from the table when really he was stealing glances at her face.
Indeed, she was more than pretty then. Illness and pain had enhanced the sweetness of her expression. As she read on it was manifest that she had forgotten the hunter"s presence. She grew pink, rosy, scarlet, radiant.
And Wade thrilled with her as she thrilled, loved her more and more as she loved. Moore must have written words of enchantment. Wade"s hungry heart suffered a pang of jealousy, but would not harbor it. He read in her perusal of that letter what no other dreamed of, not even the girl herself; and it was cert.i.tude of tragic and brief life for her if she could not live for Wilson Moore. Those moments of watching her were unutterably precious to Wade. He saw how some divine guidance had directed his footsteps to this home. How many years had it taken him to get there! Columbine read and read and reread--a girl with her first love-letter. And for Wade, with his keen eyes that seemed to see the senses and the soul, there shone something infinite through her rapture.
Never until that unguarded moment had he divined her innocence, nor had any conception been given him of the exquisite torture of her maiden fears or the havoc of love fighting for itself. He learned then much of the mystery and meaning of a woman"s heart.
CHAPTER XIII
Dear Wilson,--The note and letter from you have taken my breath away. I couldn"t tell--I wouldn"t dare tell, how they made me feel.
"Your good news fills me with joy. And when Ben told me you wouldn"t lose your leg--that you would get well--then my eyes filled and my heart choked me, and I thanked G.o.d, who"d answered my prayers. After all the heartache and dread, it"s so wonderful to find things not so terrible as they seemed. Oh, I am thankful! You have only to take care of yourself now, to lie patiently and wait, and obey Ben, and soon the time will have flown by and you will be well again. Maybe, after all, your foot will not be so bad. Maybe you can ride again, if not so wonderfully as before, then well enough to ride on your father"s range and look after his stock. For, Wilson dear, you"ll have to go home. It"s your duty.
Your father must be getting old now. He needs you. He has forgiven you--you bad boy! And you are very lucky. It almost kills me to think of your leaving White Slides. But that is selfish. I"m going to learn to be like Ben Wade. He never thinks of himself.
"Rest a.s.sured, Wilson, that I will never marry Jack Belllounds. It seems years since that awful October first. I gave my word then, and I would have lived up to it. But I"ve changed. I"m older. I see things differently. I love dad as well. I feel as sorry for Jack Belllounds. I still think I might help him. I still believe in my duty to his father.
But I can"t marry him. It would be a sin. I have no right to marry a man whom I do not love. When it comes to thought of his touching me, then I hate him. Duty toward dad is one thing, and I hold it high, but that is not reason enough for a woman to give herself. Some duty to myself is higher than that. It"s hard for me to tell you--for me to understand.
Love of you has opened my eyes. Still I don"t think it"s love of you that makes me selfish. I"m true to something in me that I never knew before. I could marry Jack, loving you, and utterly sacrifice myself, if it were right. But it would be wrong. I never realized this until you kissed me. Since then the thought of anything that approaches personal relations--any hint of intimacy with Jack fills me with disgust.
"So I"m not engaged to Jack Belllounds, and I"m never going to be. There will be trouble here. I feel it. I see it coming. Dad keeps at me persistently. He grows older. I don"t think he"s failing, but then there"s a loss of memory, and an almost childish obsession in regard to the marriage he has set his heart on. Then his pa.s.sion for Jack seems greater as he learns little by little that Jack is not all he might be.
Wilson, I give you my word; I believe if dad ever really sees Jack as I see him or you see him, then something dreadful will happen. In spite of everything dad still believes in Jack. It"s beautiful and terrible.
That"s one reason why I"ve wanted to help Jack. Well, it"s not to be.
Every day, every hour, Jack Belllounds grows farther from me. He and his father will try to persuade me to consent to this marriage. They may even try to force me. But in that way I"ll be as hard and as cold as Old White Slides. No! Never! For the rest, I"ll do my duty to dad. I"ll stick to him. I could not engage myself to you, no matter how much I love you. And that"s more every minute!... So don"t mention taking me to your home--don"t ask me again. Please, Wilson; your asking shook my very soul! Oh, how sweet that would be--your wife!... But if dad turns me away--I don"t think he would. Yet he"s so strange and like iron for all concerning Jack. If ever he turned me out I"d have no home. I"m a waif, you know. Then--then, Wilson ... Oh, it"s horrible to be in the position I"m in. I won"t say any more. You"ll understand, dear.
"It"s your love that awoke me, and it"s Ben Wade who has saved me.
Wilson, I love him almost as I do dad, only strangely. Do you know I believe he had something to do with Jack getting drunk that awful October first. I don"t mean Ben would stoop to get Jack drunk. But he might have cunningly put that opportunity in Jack"s way. Drink is Jack"s weakness, as gambling is his pa.s.sion. Well, I know that the liquor was some fine old stuff which Ben gave to the cowboys. And it"s significant now how Jack avoids Ben. He hates him. He"s afraid of him. He"s jealous because Ben is so much with me. I"ve heard Jack rave to dad about this.
But dad is just to others, if he can"t be to his son.
"And so I want you to know that it"s Ben Wade who has saved me. Since I"ve been sick I"ve learned more of Ben. He"s like a woman. He understands. I never have to tell him anything. You, Wilson, were sometimes stupid or stubborn (forgive me) about little things that girls feel but can"t explain. Ben knows. I tell you this because I want you to understand how and why I love him. I think I love him most for his goodness to you. Dear boy, if I hadn"t loved you before Ben Wade came I"d have fallen in love with you since, just listening to his talk of you. But this will make you conceited. So I"ll go on about Ben. He"s our friend. Why, Wilson, that sweetness, softness, gentleness about him, the heart that makes him love us, that must be only the woman in him. I don"t know what a mother would feel like, but I do know that I seem strangely happier since I"ve confessed my troubles to this man. It was Lem who told me how Ben offered to be a friend to Jack. And Jack flouted him. I"ve a queer notion that the moment Jack did this he turned his back on a better life.
"To repeat, then, Ben Wade is our friend, and to me something more that I"ve tried to explain. Maybe telling you this will make you think more of him and listen to his advice. I hope so. Did any boy and girl ever before so need a friend? I need that something he instils in me. If I lost it I"d be miserable. And, Wilson, I"m such a coward. I"m so weak. I have such sinkings and burnings and tossings. Oh, I"m only a woman! But I"ll die fighting. That is what Ben Wade instils into me. While there was life this strange little man would never give up hope. He makes me feel that he knows more than he tells. Through him I shall get the strength to live up to my convictions, to be true to myself, to be faithful to you.
"With love, "COLUMBINE."
"December 3d.
"DEAREST COLLIE,--Your last was only a note, and I told Wade if he didn"t fetch more than a note next time there would be trouble round this bunk-house. And then he brought your letter!
"I"m feeling exuberant (I think it"s that) to-day. First time I"ve been up. Collie, I"m able to get up! WHOOPEE! I walk with a crutch, and don"t dare put my foot down. Not that it hurts, but that my boss would have a fit! I"m glad you"ve stopped heaping praise upon our friend Ben.
Because now I can get over my jealousy and be half decent. He"s the whitest man I ever knew.
"Now listen, Collie. I"ve had ideas lately. I"ve begun to eat and get stronger and to feel good. The pain is gone. And to think I swore to Wade I"d forgive Jack Belllounds and never hate him--or kill him!...
There, that"s letting the cat out of the bag, and it"s done now. But no matter. The truth is, though, that I never could stop hating Jack while the pain lasted. Now I could shake hands with him and smile at him.
"Well, as I said, I"ve ideas. They"re great. Grab hold of the pommel now so you won"t get thrown! I"m going to pitch!... When I get well--able to ride and go about, which Ben says will be in the spring--I"ll send for my father to come to White Slides. He"ll come. Then I"ll tell him everything, and if Ben and I can"t win him to our side then _you_ can.
Father never could resist you. When he has fallen in love with you, which won"t take long, then we"ll go to old Bill Belllounds and lay the case before him. Are you still in the saddle, Collie?
"Well, if you are, be sure to get a better hold, for I"m going to run some next. Ben Wade approved of my plan. He says Belllounds can be brought to reason. He says he can make him see the ruin for everybody were you forced to marry Jack. Strange, Collie, how Wade included himself with, you, me, Jack, and the old man, in the foreshadowed ruin!
Wade is as deep as the canon there. Sometimes when he"s thoughtful he gives me a creepy feeling. At others, when he comes out with one of his easy, cool a.s.surances that we are all right--that we will get each other--why, then something grim takes possession of me. I believe him, I"m happy, but there crosses my mind a fleeting realization--not of what our friend is now, but what he has been. And it disturbs me, chills me.
I don"t understand it. For, Collie, though I understand your feeling of what he is, I don"t understand mine. You see, I"m a man. I"ve been a cowboy for ten years and more. I"ve seen some hard experiences and worked with a good many rough boys and men. Cowboys, Indians, Mexicans, miners, prospectors, ranchers, hunters--some of whom were bad medicine.
So I"ve come to see men as you couldn"t see them. And Bent Wade has been everything a man could be. He seems all men in one. And despite all his kindness and goodness and hopefulness, there is the sense I have of something deadly and terrible and inevitable in him.
"It makes my heart almost stop beating to know I have this man on my side. Because I sense in him the man element, the physical--oh, I can"t put it in words, but I mean something great in him that can"t be beaten.
What he says _must_ come true!... And so I"ve already begun to dream and to think of you as my wife. If you ever are--no! _when_ you are, then I will owe it to Bent Wade. No man ever owed another for so precious a gift. But, Collie, I can"t help a little vague dread--of what, I don"t know, unless it"s a sense of the possibilities of h.e.l.l--Bent Wade....
Dearest, I don"t want to worry you or frighten you, and I can"t follow out my own gloomy fancies. Don"t you mind too much what I think. Only you must realize that Wade is the greatest factor in our hopes of the future. My faith in him is so unshakable that it"s foolish. Next to you I love him best. He seems even dearer to me than my own people. He has made me look at life differently. Likewise he has inspired you. But you, dearest Columbine, are only a sensitive, delicate girl, a frail and tender thing like the columbine flowers of the hills. And for your own sake you must not be blind to what Wade is capable of. If you keep on loving him and idealizing him, blind to what has made him great, that is, blind to the tragic side of him, then if he did something terrible here for you and for me the shock would be bad for you. Lord knows I have no suspicions of Wade. I have no clear ideas at all. But I do know that for you he would not stop at anything. He loves you as much as I do, only differently. Such power a pale, sweet-faced girl has over the lives of men!
"Good-by for this time.
"Faithfully, "WILSON."
"January 10th.
"DEAR WILSON,--In every letter I tell you I"m better! Why, pretty soon there"ll be nothing left to say about my health. I"ve been up and around now for days, but only lately have I begun to gain. Since Jack has been away I"m getting fat. I eat, and that"s one reason I suppose. Then I move around more.
"You ask me to tell you all I do. Goodness! I couldn"t and I wouldn"t.
You are getting mighty bossy since you"re able to hobble around, as you call it. But you can"t boss _me!_ However, I"ll be nice and tell you a little. I don"t work very much. I"ve helped dad with his accounts, all so hopelessly muddled since he let Jack keep the books. I read a good deal. Your letters are worn out! Then, when it snows, I sit by the window and watch. I love to see the snowflakes fall, so fleecy and white and soft! But I don"t like the snowy world after the storm has pa.s.sed. I shiver and hug the fire. I must have Indian in me. On moonlit nights to look out at Old White Slides, so cold and icy and grand, and over the white hills and ranges, makes me shudder. I don"t know why. It"s all beautiful. But it seems to me like death.... Well, I sit idly a lot and think of you and how terribly big my love has grown, and ... but that"s all about that!
"As you know, Jack has been gone since before New Year"s Day. He said he was going to Kremmling. But dad heard he went to Elgeria. Well, I didn"t tell you that dad and Jack quarreled over money. Jack kept up his good behavior for so long that I actually believed he"d changed for the better. He kept at me, not so much on the marriage question, but to love him. Wilson, he nearly drove me frantic with his lovemaking. Finally I got mad and I pitched into him. Oh, I convinced him! Then he came back to his own self again. Like a flash he was Buster Jack once more. "You can go to h.e.l.l!" he yelled at me. And such a look!... Well, he went out, and that"s when he quarreled with dad. It was about money. I couldn"t help but hear some of it. I don"t know whether or not dad gave Jack money, but I think he didn"t. Anyway, Jack went.
"Dad was all right for a few days. Really, he seemed nicer and kinder for Jack"s absence. Then all at once he sank into the glooms. I couldn"t cheer him up. When Ben Wade came in after supper dad always got him to tell some of those terrible stories. You know what perfectly terrible stories Ben can tell. Well, dad had to hear the worst ones. And poor me, I didn"t want to listen, but I couldn"t resist. Ben _can_ tell stories.
And oh, what he"s lived through!
"I got the idea it wasn"t Jack"s absence so much that made dad sit by the hour before the fire, staring at the coals, sighing, and looking so G.o.d-forsaken. My heart just aches for dad. He broods and broods. He"ll break out some day, and then I don"t want to be here. There doesn"t seem to be any idea when Jack will come home. He might never come. But Ben says he will. He says Jack hates work and that he couldn"t be gambler enough or wicked enough to support himself without working. Can"t you hear Ben Wade say that? "I"ll tell you," he begins, and then comes a prophecy of trouble or evil. And, on the other hand, think how he used to say: "Wait! Don"t give up! Nothin" is ever so bad as it seems at first! Be true to what your heart says is right! It"s never too late!
Love is the only good in life! Love each other and wait and trust! It"ll all come right in the end!"... And, Wilson, I"m bound to confess that both his sense of calamity and his hope of good seem infallible. Ben Wade is supernatural. Sometimes, just for a moment, I dare to let myself believe in what he says--that our dream will come true and I"ll be yours. Then oh! oh! oh! joy and stars and bells and heaven! I--I ... But what _am_ I writing? Wilson Moore, this is quite enough for to-day. Take care you don"t believe I"m so--so _very_ much in love.
"Ever, "COLUMBINE."
"_February_ ----.
"DEAREST COLLIE,--I don"t know the date, but spring"s coming. To-day I kicked Bent Wade with my once sore foot. It didn"t hurt me, but hurt Wade"s feelings. He says there"ll be no holding me soon. I should say not. I"ll eat you up. I"m as hungry as the mountain-lion that"s been prowling round my cabin of nights. He"s sure starved. Wade tracked him to a hole in the cliff.
"Collie, I can get around first rate. Don"t need my crutch any more. I can make a fire and cook a meal. Wade doesn"t think so, but I do. He says if I want to hold your affection, not to let you eat anything I cook. I can rustle around, too. Haven"t been far yet. My stock has wintered fairly well. This valley is sheltered, you know. Snow hasn"t been too deep. Then I bought hay from Andrews. I"m hoping for spring now, and the good old sunshine on the gray sage hills. And summer, with its columbines! Wade has gone back to his own cabin to sleep. I miss him. But I"m glad to have the nights alone once more. I"ve got a future to plan! Read that over, Collie.
"To-day, when Wade came with your letter, he asked me, sort of queer, "Say, Wils, do you know how many letters I"ve fetched you from Collie?"
I said, "Lord, no, I don"t, but they"re a lot." Then he said there were just forty-seven letters. Forty-seven! I couldn"t believe it, and told him he was crazy. I never had such good fortune. Well, he made me count them, and, dog-gone it, he was right. Forty-seven wonderful love-letters from the sweetest girl on earth! But think of Wade remembering every one! It beats me. He"s beyond understanding.
"So Jack Belllounds still stays away from White Slides. Collie, I"m sure sorry for his father. What it would be to have a son like Buster Jack!
My G.o.d! But for your sake I go around yelling and singing like a locoed Indian. Pretty soon spring will come. Then, you wild-flower of the hills, you girl with the sweet mouth and the sad eyes--then I"m coming after you! And all the king"s horses and all the king"s men can never take you away from me again!
"Your faithful "WILSON."
"March 19th.
"DEAREST WILSON,--Your last letters have been read and reread, and kept under my pillow, and have been both my help and my weakness during these trying days since Jack"s return.
"It has not been that I was afraid to write--though, Heaven knows, if this letter should fall into the hands of dad it would mean trouble for me, and if Jack read it--I _am_ afraid to think of that! I just have not had the heart to write you. But all the time I knew I must write and that I would. Only, now, what to say tortures me. I am certain that confiding in you relieves me. That"s why I"ve told you so much. But of late I find it harder to tell what I know about Jack Belllounds. I"m in a queer state of mind, Wilson dear. And you"ll wonder, and you"ll be sorry to know I haven"t seen much of Ben lately--that is, not to talk to. It seems I can"t _bear_ his faith in me, his hope, his love--when lately matters have driven me into torturing doubt.
"But lest you might misunderstand, I"m going to try to tell you something of what is on my mind, and I want you to read it to Ben. He has been hurt by my strange reluctance to be with him.
"Jack came home on the night of March second. You"ll remember that day, so gloomy and dark and dreary. It snowed and sleeted and rained. I remember how the rain roared on the roof. It roared so loud we didn"t hear the horse. But we heard heavy boots on the porch outside the living-room, and the swish of a slicker thrown to the floor. There was a bright fire. Dad looked up with a wild joy. All of a sudden he changed.
He blazed. He recognized the heavy tread of his son. If I ever pitied and loved him it was then. I thought of the return of the Prodigal Son!... There came a knock on the door. Then dad recovered. He threw it open wide. The streaming light fell upon Jack Belllounds, indeed, but not as I knew him. He entered. It was the first time I ever saw Jack look in the least like a man. He was pale, haggard, much older, sullen, and bold. He strode in with a "Howdy, folks," and threw his wet hat on the floor, and walked to the fire. His boots were soaked with water and mud. His clothes began to steam.