I leaned my back against the hot steel of the door.
-I want to do better, Chev. I. I want to try and do better. s.h.i.t, man, I want to just, I want to try. I"m tired of. Things. I"m not saying. I don"t feel feel any better. About it. I still can"t think. About it. Too clearly. It still makes me want to fall asleep. But I know. It. Happened. I know I was there and the girl. I know. It. Happened. And I don"t want to be him. I don"t want to be L.L. I don"t want this one f.u.c.ked up thing to be who I am and that"s it, this is the end of my life. I do not want to feel like this, be like this forever. I mean, I"m not sure, but I think I used to be kind of a nice guy. any better. About it. I still can"t think. About it. Too clearly. It still makes me want to fall asleep. But I know. It. Happened. I know I was there and the girl. I know. It. Happened. And I don"t want to be him. I don"t want to be L.L. I don"t want this one f.u.c.ked up thing to be who I am and that"s it, this is the end of my life. I do not want to feel like this, be like this forever. I mean, I"m not sure, but I think I used to be kind of a nice guy.
He took the cigarette from his lips, opened his eyes and slid them my way.
-Web, man, you have never in your life been a nice guy.
He closed his eyes again.
-But you used to be pretty d.a.m.n cool. You used to be a guy a friend could count on. And it"d be nice if you were that way again.
I nodded.
-See, that"s it. That"s it. I want to be that guy, I want to be the guy people can count on. That sounds great. I don"t exactly remember how that worked, but I want to try and be that again. Really, man.
He nodded, worked a hand into his pocket.
-Cool.
He took his hand from his pocket.
-So why don"t you start by telling me where you took my truck.
He opened his hand and showed me the nine-millimeter bullet inside.
-And how this got in there.
-The phone?
-Yeah.
-Jesus. I think we need to get rid of it.
We both sat on the couch, staring at the phone in the middle of the livingroom floor.
I nodded.
-Yeah. Without a doubt.
He pointed at the kitchen table.
-There was stuff on it?
-Um, yeah.
-Lots?
-Not really.
-On the top?
-Yeah.
He shook his head.
-We got to get rid of it.
He put his face in his hands.
-With the f.u.c.king phone. That is so. Oh man.
He took his face from his hands and looked at me.
-Was the guy a d.i.c.k?
-Chev, he beat his nephew to death with a f.u.c.king phone! Yes, he was a d.i.c.k.
-No, the nephew, was he a?
-I don"t know. Probably. Why do you?
He stood up.
-I don"t know. I"m just trying to deal and. Jesus. With the phone. Awwww, man. I used it after that. Awwww, s.h.i.t!
He sat back down.
-That"s f.u.c.ked.
-Sorry.
-What sorry? f.u.c.ked up inbred kills someone with the phone, what are you sorry about?
-I don"t know. Feels like it"s my fault.
We stared at the phone.
Chev cupped his chin in his hand, clicked his thumb ring against one of his earrings.
-No way I can look at that kitchen every day.
He stood.
-We got to move out of here, man.
I nodded.
-Do you think? think?
He looked at me.
-Are you being a smarta.s.s? Are you being a smarta.s.s about a guy getting bludgeoned with a phone in my apartment?
I held my thumb and forefinger an inch apart.
-Little bit?
He shook his head.
-Looks like someone"s feeling better.
He started for the door.
-Long as you"re all chipper, you call the landlady and tell her we"re out at the end of the month.
I stood.
-Where you going?
-The shop.
-Hang on, I"ll come with.
He opened the door.
-Uh-uh, f.u.c.kwit, you have some disturbing s.h.i.t to dispose of before I get home.
He pointed at the phone and the table.
-Those. Gone. And anything else that got. Stuff Stuff on it. on it.
He looked at the kitchen.
-Telling you, Web, a weaker man than me, he"d have quit your s.h.i.t long ago.
I shrugged.
-Must be my abundant charm.
SECRET SKELETONS.
-So what now?
-I don"t know for sure.
Po Sin stirred the ice cubes at the bottom of his gla.s.s.
-You gonna go back to teaching?
I thought about the cla.s.sroom. The kids. How much fun they could be. How much of a pain. I thought about trying to walk back in there and be a normal teacher. Be a person without all these things clinging to him. Deaths like barnacles. They felt visible. And a burden. I didn"t want to have them around kids.
And there were other things.
-I don"t think I can really teach anymore.
-So?
-So I.
-Round two.
Gabe came back from the bar with two bottles of beer and another gin and juice for Po Sin.
I took my beer.
-Thanks.
Gabe nodded.
We all drank.
-Po Sin.
-My name. Means Grandfather Elephant. Speak it and I will answer.
-Po Sin.
I drank again.
-What"d you do with them?
Po Sin stared into his gla.s.s.
-Web, in all honesty, I have no idea what you"re talking about.
I nodded.
-Sure, I get that. But. I called you. And I think, I think I need to know. I"m trying, this is new for me, but I"m trying to be kind of a grown-up. But, hey not too many examples of that in my life, so I"m flying a little blind. Anyway. Part of. I think I need to know what I"m responsible for. What things I do that make other things happen.
I picked at my beer label.
-I think I really need to know what you did to them.
Po Sin looked at Gabe.