He wrung his hands.
"Corbett and Fitzsimmons will never fight again."
"Why?"
"Because they can not get gloves to Fitzsimmons."
ASKIT-What is a convenient fall trip for me to take?
TELLIT-You might step on a banana peel or try to balance on a cake of soap at the head of the stairs.
"There is but one thing," said the professor of medicine, gravely, "that we know about death."
"And that is, sir?" queried the student.
"It is always fatal."
"Did you hear about Miss Jones?"
"No. What"s up?"
"Why, she eloped with one of the boarders in the hotel."
"Oh, that was only a roomer!"
"When was money first invented?"
"I don"t know. When was it?"
"When the dove brought the greenback to Noah."
"What a distinguished looking man."
"Yes, the last time I saw him he was on the bench."
"What, a judge?"
"No; a subst.i.tute ball-player."
HE--"Didn"t you promise to love, honor and obey me?"
SHE--"Heaven only knows what I promised. I was listening to hear what you promised."
THIN BOARDER--"I don"t see how you manage to fare so well at this boarding-house. I have industriously courted the landlady and all her daughters, but I"m half-starved."
FAT BOARDER--"I court the cook."
"Why should a young man never raise his straw hat to a lady?"
"Because it is never felt."
JONES--"Well, we had an addition to our family yesterday."
SMITH--"You don"t say so? Boy or girl?"
JONES--"Neither. It"s my wife"s mother."
DINER--"h.e.l.lo! waiter, where is that ox-tail soup?"
WAITER--"Coming, sir--half a minute."
DINER--"Confound you! How slow you are."
WAITER--"Fault of the soup, sir. Ox-tail is always behind."