MRS. BENHAM--Our new minister"s name is Stone.
BENHAM--Well, there are sermons in stones.
ALGY--"Charming widow, isn"t she? They say she is to marry again."
CHOLLY--"I wouldn"t want to be a widow"s second husband."
ALGY--"Well, I"d rather be a widow"s second husband than her first, doncher-know."
A Boston, man upon learning that there were 4,000 Poles in New York, exclaimed: "What a place to raise beans."
FRED--"I had a fall last night which rendered me unconscious for several hours."
ED--"You don"t mean it? Where did you fall?"
FRED--"I fell asleep."
"I say, old chap, how short your overcoat is!"
"Oh, that"s all right! It"ll be long enough before I can afford a new one."
PAT--""Twas the divil of a blow the dago gave yer. Yer wuz near Kilt."
MIKE--"Begorra, I wish I had died that I moite see the villain hung."
JIM--"Why do you wear your stocking wrong side outward?"
PAT--"Because there"s a hole on the other side."
"Held by the enemy"--the ulster which we are unable to redeem.
"How could you endure talking so long with that ugly old woman with that frightful costume without laughing in her face?" "Oh, that"s easy. She is my wife."
TEACHER--When does suicide become a crime?
SMART BOY--When it becomes a confirmed habit.
"Nonsense, sir. Why is suicide a crime?"
"Because it injures the health."
The modern drummer is not much like the month of March. March is said to come in a lion and go out a lamb, while the drummer comes in a lyin" and goes out a lyin".
How to signal a bark--pull a dog"s tail.
"Say, pop, do people take snuff nowadays?"
"Sometimes, my son."
"Oh, then its all right?"
"What is all right?"
"Why, I heard mamma telling Aunt Amy that you wasn"t up to snuff."