"Every time I get on a ferry boat it makes me cross."
"How is Uncle Mose coming on?" asked Sam Johnsing of Jim Webster.
"He will be out in a few days."
"Is his rheumatism done gone?"
"Well, not perzackly. Dar"s room for improvement yit."
"Yes, I"ve heerd some rheumers ter dat effec"."
--"When Mrs. Riley died she left $40,000 sewed up in her bustle."
--"Dear me! That"s a lot of money to leave behind."
"John, can you tell me the difference between attraction of gravitation and attraction of cohesion?"
"Yes, sir; attraction of gravitation pulls a drunken man down to the ground and the attraction of cohesion prevents his getting up again."
DOCTOR--You are f.a.gged out; you must give up all headwork.
PATIENT--Why, that spells ruin! I"m a hair-dresser!
After a man has had occasion to employ a first-cla.s.s lawyer it is useless to tell him that talk is cheap.
"My dear, what makes you always yawn?"
The wife exclaimed, her temper gone, "Is home so dull and dreary?"
"Not so, my love," he said, "Not so; But man and wife are _one_, you know; And when _alone_ I"m weary!"
A man stole a harness the other day and never left a trace.
"Why does a donkey eat thistles?" asked a Texas teacher of one of the largest boys in the cla.s.s.
"Because he is an a.s.s, I reckon."
"Doing anything now, Bill?"
"Oh, yes, I"m kept busy all the time."
"Ah, glad to hear it. What are you doing?"
"Looking for a job."
"Jones caught the hay fever from dancing with a gra.s.s widow."
Of all the saws That I ever saw saw, I never saw a saw Saw like this saw saws.
"I see villainy in your face," said a judge to a prisoner.
"May it please your honor," said the latter, "that is a personal reflection."
Don"t pen missives to your best girl on postal cards. She may have suspicion that you do not care two cents for her.
"Can you give me a front room on the first floor?" asked a travelling man of the recently installed clerk.
"Can I give it to you?"