The first kiss only comes once in a lifetime.
The trouble with the fellow who loses his temper is that he always finds it again.
The man who plays the ba.s.s drum should have no difficulty in beating his way.
An amateur performance for charity demonstrates that charity uncovers a mult.i.tude of sins.
It takes a musical crank to play a hand organ.
It is possible to square yourself without resorting to cube root.
While some people mount upward to the pinnacle of fame, others reach the height of folly.
A faint heart may never win a fair lady, but five of them have won many a jackpot.
The portrait tumbled from the wall And hit the young man"s head.
"A striking likeness!" That was all The rueful punster said.
The fact that a man has not cut his hair for ten or twelve years need not necessarily imply that he is eccentric. He may be bald.
When a couple are about to elope the young man asks, "Does your mother know your route?"
"I will not sit that way!" angrily screamed the obstinate lady in the photographer"s gallery. "I can"t, and I won"t; so there!"
"Madame," said the photographer, "it will be impossible for me to make a good negative of you unless you quit being so positive."
An Irishman in order to celebrate the advent of a new era, went out on a lark. He didn"t get home, till 3 o"clock in the morning, and was barely in the house before a nurse rushed up and, uncovering a bunch of soft goods, showed him triplets. The Irishman looked up at the clock which said 3, then at the three of a kind in the nurse"s arms, and said: "O"im not superst.i.tious, but thank Hivins thot Oi didn"t come home at twilve!"
"Good gracious," said the hen when she discovered a porcelain egg on the nest. "I shall be a bricklayer next."
"Are you intimate with any of the n.o.bility?" asked Chippy. "Well, rather!" replied Clubdoodle. "I got a queen full last night, and had a high old time with four kings."
Electricity is a great educator. Think what it has done to make men see things in a new light.
"Will the coming man use both arms?" asks a scientist. "Yes, if he can trust the girl to handle the reins."
"I hear Smith, the sea captain, is in hard luck. He married a girl and she ran away from him."
"Yes, he took her for a mate, but she was a skipper."
Another great discovery of diamonds in Kentucky! A man got five of them on the first deal.
"What makes so much froth in a gla.s.s of beer, pa?"
"The barkeep, my son."
MOSES SCHAUMBURG (to his son Jackey)--"How many are twice two, Jackey?"
JACKEY-"Tervice two ish six."
"You are wrong, Jackey. Six vas too mooch."
"Don"t I know dot, fadder, already some times ago. But I shoot said six so dot you could Chew me down."
"Tis now the wily urchin mocks The lynx-eyed cop along the docks, And plunges in the cooling tide, Arrayed in naught else but his hide.