JOHNNIE--"Ya-as, I"ve just come back from Ireland--County Cork.
Ever been to Cork?"
SOUBRETTE--"No--but I"ve seen a good many drawings of it."
"What is love?"
"A fresh egg."
"Marriage?"
"Hard boiled eggs."
"Divorce?"
"Scrambled eggs."
How by the statesman insincere Man"s weary soul is vexed.
He"ll shake your hand one minute and He"ll pull your leg the next!
"Hush, not so loud! We"re having a conference of the powers."
"Eh! Who is conferring?"
"My wife, my mother-in-law and the cook."
"I saw De Castro, the magician, make a $20 gold piece disappear in three minutes." "That"s nothing. You ought to see my wife with a $20 bill at a church bazaar."
An art-school student recently painted the picture of a dog under a tree so lifelike that it was impossible to distinguish the bark of the tree from that of the dog.
LADY--Why do you remove your sword, Lieutenant?
GALLANT OFFICER--My lovely miss, the fire from those eyes would compel the bravest soldier to surrender his arms.
SHE--"You used to call me the light of your life."
HE--"Ah, but I had no idea then how much it would cost to keep it burning."
MOSES--"How did you make your money, Ike?"
IKE--"By horse-razing."
MOSES--"Vatt, not bedding?"
IKE--"Naw--I started a p.a.w.nshop just by the oudside of de razetrack for de peoble who vanted to get home ven de razes was over."
HE--Don"t you think Miss Plainly is the very image of her mother?
SHE--Yes, indeed; the resemblance is something awful.
--"I want to be an angel."
--"Just wait till you"ve backed one or two "stars," and you"ll change that tune my boy."
Telephone operators are always bound to have the last word; that"s why females are always employed in that capacity.
"What are you going to do with your boy?"
"I don"t know; I"m afraid he is a bad egg."
"In that case he might do for an actor."