THE PROFESSOR--"You are one of the cranks."
"Do you think the elevator boy stole your watch?"
"Well, he swore up and down that he didn"t."
SLOPAY--"And, doctor, if you will, I wish you would give me something to help my memory. I forget so easily."
DOCTOR--"Very well. I"ll send you a bill every month."
If the devil lost its tail, where would he go to get another one?
To a liquor store where they retail spirits.
"What must a man be that he shall be buried with military honors?"
"He must be a captain."
"Then I lose the bet."
"What did you bet?"
"I bet he must be dead."
ACTOR FRIEND (inquiring at boarding house)--Has Mr. Comedy taken his departure yet?
"Yes," snapped the landlady, "but that"s all he did take; I"ve got his wardrobe."
"We have German bands and French bands and American bands, but you never hear of an Irish band. You couldn"t have one. Every man would want to be leader."
He dined, not wisely, but too well-- Hence all his ills; And nothing now agrees with him, Excepting pills.
TOMMY--Yes, cats can see in the dark, and so can Ethel; "cause when Mr. Wright walked into the parlor when she was sitting all alone in the dark, I heard her say to him, "Why, Arthur, you didn"t get shaved to-day."
"Too bad they can"t train cats to understand baseball," remarked the fat man to his neighbor on the bleachers. "They"d make ideal umpires. One life for each inning."
"Oh, I am awfully worried. I walk in my sleep." "I only wish I could do it. If I could I"d still have my job on the police force."
He was a genial, smiling man And fond of whisky plain, But when he joined the temperance club, He never smiled again.
She wants to be punctual, always on time, So carries her watch where she goes.
And if you examine her wardrobe you"ll find She even has clocks on her hose.
MERCHANT (to his confidential clerk)--Here"s a letter from Mr.
Slowpay, but no money. What"s the matter with him?
CLERK--Oh, he"s all write.
"Who"s all write?"
"Slowpay."
But they didn"t cheer any, for there"s no cheer in such writing.
"Only a silver watch," said the p.a.w.nbroker. "The last time I advanced you money on your watch it had a solid gold case."
"Yes," replied Hard-uppe, "but--er--circ.u.mstances alter cases, you know."