"Move over a little," he says. "This bed must be narrower than a twin bed."
"I am am moved over," she says. moved over," she says.
He unbends his knees, lies straight in the bed. He is too uncomfortable to sleep. His ears are still ringing from so many hours on the road.
"Here we are in Colorado," he says. "Tomorrow we"ll have to drive around and see it before it"s all under snow."
The next afternoon he borrows a tablet and walks around outside, looking for something to draw. There are bare patches in the snow-patches of brown gra.s.s. Bea and Matthew"s house is modern, with a sundeck across the back and gla.s.s doors across the front. For some reason the house seems out of place; it looks Eastern. There are no other houses nearby. Very little land has been cleared; the lawn is narrow, and the woods come close. It is cold, and there is a wind in the trees. Through the woods, in front of the house, distant snow-covered mountains are visible. The air is very clear, and the colors are too bright, like a Maxfield Parrish painting. No one would believe the colors if he painted them. Instead he begins to draw some old fence posts, partially rotted away. But then he stops. Leave it to Andrew Wyeth. He dusts away a light layer of snow and sits on the hood of his car. He takes the pencil out of his pocket again and writes in the sketchbook: "We are at Bea and Matthew"s. They sit all day. Penelope sits. She seems to be waiting. This is happening in Colorado. I want to see the state, but Bea and Matthew have already seen it, and Penelope says that she cannot face one more minute in the car. The car needs new spark plugs. I will never be a painter. I am not a writer."
Zero wanders up behind him, and he tears off the piece of sketch paper and crumples it into a ball, throws it in the air. Zero"s eyes light up. They play ball with the piece of paper-he throws it high, and Zero waits for it and jumps. Finally the paper gets too soggy to handle. Zero walks away, then sits and scratches.
Behind the house is a ruined birdhouse, and some strings hang from a branch, with bits of suet tied on. The strings stir in the wind. "Push me in the swing," he remembers Penelope saying. Johnny was lying in the gra.s.s, talking to himself. Robert tried to dance with Cyril, but Cyril wouldn"t. Cyril was more stoned than any of them, but showing better sense. "Push me," she said. She sat on the swing and he pushed. She weighed very little-hardly enough to drag the swing down. It took off fast and went high. She was laughing-not because she was having fun, but laughing at him. That"s what he thought, but he was stoned. She was just laughing. Fortunately, the swing had slowed when she jumped. She didn"t even roll down the hill. Cyril, looking at her arm, which had been cut on a rock, was almost in tears. She had landed on her side. They thought her arm was broken at first. Johnny was asleep, and he slept through the whole thing. Robert carried her into the house. Cyril, following, detoured to kick Johnny. That was the beginning of the end.
He walks to the car and opens the door and rummages through the ashtray, looking for the joint they had started to smoke just before they found Bea and Matthew"s house. He has trouble getting it out because his fingers are numb from the cold. He finally gets it and lights it, and drags on it walking back to the tree with the birdhouse in it. He leans against the tree.
Dan had called him the day before they left New Haven and said that Penelope would kill him. He asked Dan what he meant. "She"ll wear you down, she"ll wear you out, she"ll kill you," Dan said.
He feels the tree snapping and jumps away. He looks and sees that everything is okay. The tree is still there, the strings hanging down from the branch. "I"m going to jump!" Penelope had called, laughing. Now he laughs, too-not at her, but because here he is, leaning against a tree in Colorado, blown away. He tries speaking, to hear what his speech sounds like. "Blown away," he says. He has trouble getting his mouth into position after speaking.
In a while Matthew comes out. He stands beside the tree and they watch the sunset. The sky is pale-blue, streaked with orange, which seems to be spreading through the blue sky from behind, like liquid seeping through a napkin, blood through a bandage.
"Nice," Matthew says.
"Yes," he says. He is never going to be able to talk to Matthew.
"You know what I"m in the doghouse for?" Matthew says.
"What?" he says. Too long a pause before answering. He spit the word out, instead of saying it.
"Having a j.a.panese girlfriend," Matthew says, and laughs.
He does not dare risk laughing with him.
"And I don"t even have have a j.a.panese girlfriend," Matthew says. "She lives with a guy I work with. I"m not interested in her. She needed money to go into business. Not a lot, but some. I loaned it to her. Bea changes facts around." a j.a.panese girlfriend," Matthew says. "She lives with a guy I work with. I"m not interested in her. She needed money to go into business. Not a lot, but some. I loaned it to her. Bea changes facts around."
"Where did you go to school?" he hears himself say.
There is a long pause, and Robert gets confused. He thinks he should be answering his own question.
Finally: "Harvard."
"What cla.s.s were you in?"
"Oh," Matthew says. "You"re stoned, huh?"
It is too complicated to explain that he is not. He says, again, "What cla.s.s?"
"1967," Matthew says, laughing. "Is that your stuff or ours? She hid our stuff."
"In my glove compartment," Robert says, gesturing.
He watches Matthew walk toward his car. Sloped shoulders. Something written across the back of his jacket, being spoken by what looks like a monster blue bird. Can"t read it. In a while Matthew comes back smoking a joint, Zero trailing behind.
"They"re inside, talking about what a pig I am." Matthew exhales.
"How come you don"t have any interest in this j.a.panese woman?"
"I do," Matthew says, smoking from his cupped hand. "I don"t have a chance in the world."
"I don"t guess it would be the same if you got another one," he says.
"Another what?"
"If you went to j.a.pan and got another one."
"Never mind," Matthew says. "Never mind bothering to converse."
Zero sniffs the air and walks away. He lies down on the driveway, away from them, and closes his eyes.
"I"d like some Scotch to cool my lungs," Matthew says. "And we don"t have any G.o.dd.a.m.n Scotch."
"Let"s go get some," he says.
"Okay," Matthew says.
They stay, watching the colors intensify. "It"s too cold for me," Matthew says. He thrashes his arms across his chest, and Zero springs up, leaping excitedly, and almost topples Matthew.
They get to Matthew"s car. Robert hears the door close. He notices that he is inside. Zero is in the back seat. It gets darker. Matthew hums. Outside the liquor store Robert fumbles out a ten-dollar bill. Matthew declines. He parks and rolls down the window. "I don"t want to walk in there in a cloud of this stuff," he says. They wait. Waiting, Robert gets confused. He says, "What state is this?"
"Are you kidding?" Matthew asks. Matthew shakes his head. "Colorado," he says.
The Lawn Party
I said to Lorna last night, "Do you want me to tell you a story?" "No," she said. Lorna is my daughter. She is ten and a great disbeliever. But she was willing to hang around my room and talk. "Regular dry cleaning won"t take that out," Lorna said when she saw the smudges on my suede jacket. "Really," she said. "You have to take it somewhere special." In her skepticism, Lorna a.s.sumes that everyone else is also skeptical. said to Lorna last night, "Do you want me to tell you a story?" "No," she said. Lorna is my daughter. She is ten and a great disbeliever. But she was willing to hang around my room and talk. "Regular dry cleaning won"t take that out," Lorna said when she saw the smudges on my suede jacket. "Really," she said. "You have to take it somewhere special." In her skepticism, Lorna a.s.sumes that everyone else is also skeptical.
According to the Currier & Ives calendar hanging on the back of the bedroom door, and according to my watch, and according to my memory, which would be keen without either of them, Lorna and I have been at my parents" house for three days. Today is the annual croquet game that all our relatives here in Connecticut gather for (even some from my wife"s side). It"s the Fourth of July, and d.a.m.n hot. I have the fan going. I"m sitting in a comfortable chair (moved upstairs, on my demand, by my father and the maid), next to the window in my old bedroom. There is already a cl.u.s.ter of my relatives on the lawn. Most of them are wearing little American flags pinned somewhere on their shirts or blouses or hanging from their ears. A patriotic group. Beer (forgive them: Heineken"s) and wine (Almaden Chablis) drinkers. My father loves this day better than his own birthday. He leans on his mallet and gives instructions to my sister Eva on the placement of the posts. Down there, he can see the American flags clearly. But if he is already too loaded to stick the posts in the ground, he probably isn"t noticing the jewelry.
Lorna has come into my room twice in the last hour-once to ask me when I am coming down to join what she calls "the party," another time to say that I am making everybody feel rotten by not joining them. A statement to be dismissed with a wave of the hand, but I have none. No right arm, either. I have a left hand and a left arm, but I have stopped valuing them. It"s the right one I want. In the hospital, I rejected suggestions of a plastic arm or a claw. "Well, then, what do you envision?" the doctor said. "Air," I told him. This needed amplification. "Air where my arm used to be," I said. He gave a little "Ah, so" bow of the head and left the room.
I intend to sit here at the window all day, watching the croquet game. I will drink the Heineken"s Lorna has brought me, taking small sips because I am unable to wipe my mouth after good foamy sips. My left hand is there to wipe with, but who wants to set down his beer bottle to wipe his mouth?
Lorna"s mother has left me. I think of her now as Lorna"s mother because she has made it clear that she no longer wants to be my wife. She has moved to another apartment with Lorna. She, herself, seems to be no happier for having left me and visits me frequently. Mention is no longer made of the fact that I am her husband and she is my wife. Recently Mary (her name) took the ferry to the Statue of Liberty. She broke in on me on my second day here in the room, explaining that she would not be here for the croquet game, but with the news that she had visited New York yesterday and had taken the ferry to the Statue of Liberty. "And how was the city?" I asked. "Wonderful," she a.s.sured me. She went to the Carnegie Delicatessen and had cheesecake. When she does not visit, she writes. She has a second sense about when I have left my apartment for my parents" house. In her letters she usually tells me something about Lorna, although no mention is made of the fact that Lorna is my child. In fact, she once slyly suggested in a bitter moment that Lorna was not-but she backed down about that one.
Lorna is a great favorite with my parents, and my parents are rich. This, Mary always said jokingly, was why she married me. Actually, it was my charm. She thought I was terrific. If I had not fallen in love with her sister, everything would still be fine between us. I did it fairly; I fell in love with her sister before the wedding. I asked to have the wedding delayed. Mary got drunk and cried. Why was I doing this? How could I do it? She would leave me, but she wouldn"t delay the wedding. I asked her to leave. She got drunk and cried and would not. We were married on schedule. She had nothing more to do with her sister. I, on the other hand-strange how many things one cannot say anymore-saw her whenever possible. Patricia-that was her name-went with me on business trips, met me for lunches and dinners, and was driving my car when it went off the highway.
When I came to, Mary was standing beside my hospital bed, her face distorted, looking down at me. "My sister killed herself and tried to take you with her," she said.
I waited for her to throw herself on me in pity.
"You deserved this," she said, and walked out of the room.
I was being fed intravenously in my left arm. I looked to see if my right arm was hooked up to anything. It hurt to move my head. My right arm was free-how free I didn"t know at the time. I swear I saw it, but it had been amputated when I was unconscious. The doctor spoke to me at length about this later, insisting that there was no possibility that my arm was there when my wife was in the room and gone subsequently-gone when she left. No, indeed. It was amputated at once, in surgery, and when I saw my wife I was recovering from surgery. I tried to get at it another way, leaving Mary out of it. Wasn"t I conscious before Mary was there? Didn"t I see the arm? No, I was unconscious and didn"t see anything. No, indeed. The physical therapist, the psychiatrist and the chaplain the doctor had brought with him nodded their heads in fast agreement. But soon I would have an artificial arm. I said that I did not want one. It was then that we had the discussion about air.
Last Wednesday was my birthday. I was unpleasant to all. Mrs. Bates, the cook, baked me chocolate-chip cookies with walnuts (my favorite), but I didn"t eat any until she went home. My mother gave me a red velour shirt, which I hinted was unsatisfactory. "What"s wrong with it?" she said. I said, "It"s got one too many arms." My former student Banks visited me in the evening, not knowing that it was my birthday. He is a shy, thin, hirsute individual of twenty-a painter, a true artiste artiste. I liked him so well that I had given him the phone number at my parents" house. He brought with him his most recent work, a canvas of a nude woman, for my inspection. While we were all gathered around the birthday cake, Banks answered my question about who she was by saying that she was a professional model. Later, strolling in the backyard, he told me that he had picked her up at a bus stop, after convincing her that she did not want to spend her life waiting for buses, and brought her to his apartment, where he fixed a steak dinner. The woman spent two days there, and when she left, Banks gave her forty dollars, although she did not want any money. She thought the painting he did of her was ugly, and wanted to be rea.s.sured that she wasn"t really that heavy around the hips. Banks told her that it was not a representational painting; he said it was an Impressionist painting. She gave him her phone number. He called; there was no such number. He could not understand it. He went back to the bus stop, and eventually he found her again. She told him to get away or she"d call the police.
Ah, Banks. Ah, youth-to be twenty again, instead of thirty-two. In cla.s.s, Banks used to listen to music on his ca.s.sette player through earphones. He would eat candy bars while he nailed frames together. Banks was always chewing food or mouthing songs. Sometimes he would forget and actually sing in cla.s.s-an eerie wail, harmonizing with something none of the rest of us heard. The students who did not resent Banks"s talent resented his chewing or singing or his success with women. Banks had great success with Lorna. He told her she looked like Bianca Jagger and she was thrilled. "Why don"t you get some platform shoes like hers?" he said, and her eyes shriveled with pleasure. He told her a couple of interesting facts about Copernicus; she told him about the habits of gypsy moths. When he left, he kissed her hand. It did my heart good to see her so happy. I never delight her at all, as Mary keeps telling me.
They have written me from the college where I work, saying that they hope all is well and that I will be back teaching in the fall. It is not going to be easy to teach painting, with my right arm gone. Still, one remembers Matisse in his last years. Where there"s a will, et cetera. My department head has sent flowers twice (mixed and tulips), and the dean himself has written a message on a get-well card. There is a bunny on the card, looking at a rainbow. Banks is the only one who really tempts me to go back to work. The others, Banks tells me, are "full of it."
Now I have a visitor. Danielle, John"s wife, has come up to see me. John is my brother. She brings an opened beer and sets it on the windowsill without comment. Danielle is wearing a white dress with small porpoises on it, smiling as they leap. Across that chest, no wonder.
"Are you feeling blue today or just being rotten?" she asks.
The beginnings of many of Danielle"s sentences often put me in mind of trashy, romantic songs. Surely someone has written a song called "Are You Feeling Blue?"
"Both," I say. I usually give Danielle straight answers. She tries to be nice. She has been nice to my brother for five years. He keeps promising to take her back to France, but he never does.
She sits on the rug, next to my chair. "Their rotten lawn parties," she says. Danielle is French, but her English is very good.
"Pull up a chair and watch the festivities," I say.
"I have to go back," she says, pouting. "They want you to come back with me."
Champagne gla.s.ses clinking, white tablecloth, single carnation, key of A: "They Want You Back with Me."
"Who sent you?" I ask.
"John. But I think Lorna would like it if you were there."
"Lorna doesn"t like me anymore. Mary"s turned her against me."
"Ten is a difficult age," Danielle says.
"I thought the teens were difficult."
"How would I know? I don"t have children."
She has a drink of beer, and then puts the bottle in my hand instead of back on the windowsill.
"You have beautiful round feet," I say.
She tucks them under her. "I"m embarra.s.sed," she says.
"Our talk is full of the commonplace today," I say, sighing.
"You"re insulting me," she says. "That"s why John wouldn"t come up. He says he gets tired of your insults."
"I wasn"t trying to be insulting. You"ve got beautiful feet. Raise one up here and I"ll kiss it."
"Don"t make fun of me," Danielle says.
"Really," I say.
Danielle moves her leg, unstraps a sandal and raises her right foot. I take it in my hand and bend over to kiss it across the toes.
"Stop it," she says, laughing. "Someone will come in."
"They won"t," I say. "John isn"t the only one tired of my insults."
I have been taking a little nap. Waking up, I look out the window and see Danielle below. She is sitting in one of the redwood chairs, accepting a drink from my father. One leg is crossed over the other, her beautiful foot dangling. They all know I am watching, but they refuse to look up. Eventually my mother does. She makes a violent sweep with her arm-like a coach motioning the defensive team onto the field. I wave. She turns her back and rejoins the group-Lorna, John, Danielle, my Aunt Rosie, Rosie"s daughter Elizabeth, my father, and some others. Wednesday was also Elizabeth"s birthday-her eighteenth. My parents called and sang to her. When Janis Joplin died Elizabeth cried for six days. "She"s an emotional child," Rosie said at the time. Then, forgetting that, she asked everyone in the family why Elizabeth had gone to pieces. "Why did you feel so bad about Janis, Elizabeth?" I said. "I don"t know," she said. "Did her death make you feel like killing yourself ?" I said. "Are you unhappy the way she was?" Rosie now speaks to me only perfunctorily. On her get-well card to me (no visit) she wrote: "So sorry." They are all sorry. They have been told by the doctor to ignore my gloominess, so they ignore me. I ignore them because even before the accident I was not very fond of them. My brother, in particular, bores me. When we were kids, sharing a bedroom, John would talk to me at night. When I fell asleep he"d come over and shake my mattress. One night my father caught him doing it and hit him. "It"s not my fault," John hollered. "He"s a G.o.dd.a.m.n sn.o.b." We got separate bedrooms. I was eight and John was ten.
Danielle comes back, looking sweatier than before. Below, they are playing the first game. My father"s brother Ed pretends to be a majorette and struts with his mallet, twirling it and pointing his knees.
"n.o.body sent me this time," Danielle says. "Are you coming down to dinner? They"re grilling steaks."
"He"s so cheap he"ll serve Almaden with them," I say. "You grew up in France. How can you drink that stuff ?"
"I just drink one gla.s.s," she says.
"Refuse to do it," I say.
She shrugs. "You"re in an awful mood," she says.
"Give back that piggy," I say.
She frowns. "I came to have a serious discussion. Why aren"t you coming to dinner?"
"Not hungry."
"Come down for Lorna."
"Lorna doesn"t care."
"Maybe you"re mean to her."
"I"m the same way I always was with her."
"Be a little extra nice, then."
"Give back that piggy," I say, and she puts her foot up. I unbuckle her sandal with my left hand. There are strap marks on the skin. I lick down her baby toe and kiss it, at the very tip. In turn, I kiss all the others.
It"s evening, and the phone is ringing. I think about answering it. Finally someone else in the house picks it up. I get up and then sit on the bed and look around. My old bedroom looks pretty much the way it looked when I left for college, except that my mother has added a few things that I never owned, which seem out of place. Two silver New Year"s Eve hats rest on the bedposts, and a snapshot of my mother in front of a Mexican fruit stand (I have never been to Mexico) that my father took on their "second honeymoon" is on my bureau. I pull open a drawer and take out a pack of letters. I pull out one of the letters at random and read it. It is from an old girlfriend of mine. Her name was Alison, and she once loved me madly. In the letter she says she is giving up smoking so that when we are old she won"t be repulsive to me. The year I graduated from college, she married an Indian and moved to India. Maybe now she has a little red dot in the middle of her forehead.
I try to remember loving Alison. I remember loving Mary"s sister, Patricia. She is dead. That doesn"t sink in. And she can"t have meant to die, in spite of what Mary said. A woman who meant to die wouldn"t buy a big wooden bowl and a bag of fruit, and then get in the car and drive it off the highway. It is a fact, however, that as the car started to go sideways I looked at Patricia, and she was whipping the wheel to the right. Maybe I imagined that. I remember putting my arm out to brace myself as the car started to turn over. If Patricia were alive, I"d have to be at the croquet game. But if she were alive, she and I could disappear for a few minutes, have a kiss by the barn.