"What"s funny?" Richard asked.
"Our conversation," she said.
Sam was helping his niece off the rock. "We"ll take a walk," he said to her. "I have a long story for you, but it will bore the rest of them."
The little girl"s knees stuck out. Sam felt sorry for her. He lifted her on his shoulders and cupped his hands over her knees so he wouldn"t have to look at them.
"What"s the story?" she said.
"One time," Sam said, "I wrote a book about your mother."
"What was it about?" the little girl asked.
"It was about a little girl who met all sorts of interesting animals-a rabbit who kept showing her his pocket watch, who was very upset because he was late-"
"I know that book," she said. "You didn"t write that."
"I did write it. But at the time I was very shy, and I didn"t want to admit that I"d written it, so I signed another name to it."
"You"re not shy," the little girl said.
Sam continued walking, ducking whenever a branch hung low.
"Do you think there are more snakes?" she asked.
"If there are, they"re harmless. They won"t hurt you."
"Do they ever hide in trees?"
"No snakes are going to get you," Sam said. "Where was I?"
"You were talking about Alice in Wonderland. Alice in Wonderland."
"Don"t you think I did a good job with that book?" Sam asked.
"You"re silly," she said.
It was evening-cool enough for them to wish they had more than two towels to wrap around themselves. The little girl was sitting between her father"s legs. A minute before, he had said that she was cold and they should go, but she said that she wasn"t and even managed to stop shivering. Alice"s son was asleep, squinting. Small black insects cl.u.s.tered on the water in front of the rock. It was their last night there.
"Where will we go?" Richard said.
"How about a seafood restaurant? The motel owner said he could get a babysitter."
Richard shook his head.
"No?" Alice said, disappointed.
"Yes, that would be fine," Richard said. "I was thinking more existentially."
"What does that mean?" the little girl asked.
"It"s a word your father made up," Sam said.
"Don"t tease her," Alice said.
"I wish I could look through that man"s gla.s.ses again," the little girl said.
"Here," Sam said, making two circles with the thumb and first finger of each hand. "Look through these."
She leaned over and looked up at the trees through Sam"s fingers.
"Much clearer, huh?" Sam said.
"Yes," she said. She liked this game.
"Let me see," Richard said, leaning to look through his brother"s fingers.
"Don"t forget me," Alice said, and she leaned across Richard to peer through the circles. As she leaned across him, Richard kissed the back of her neck.
Vermont
Noel is in our living room shaking his head. He refused my offer and then David"s offer of a drink, but he has had three gla.s.ses of water. It is absurd to wonder at such a time when he will get up to go to the bathroom, but I do. I would like to see Noel move; he seems so rigid that I forget to sympathize, forget that he is a real person. "That"s not what I want," he said to David when David began sympathizing. Absurd, at such a time, to ask what he does want. I can"t remember how it came about that David started bringing gla.s.ses of water.
Noel"s wife, Susan, has told him that she"s been seeing John Stillerman. We live on the first floor, Noel and Susan on the second, John on the eleventh. Interesting that John, on the eleventh, should steal Susan from the second floor. John proposes that they just rearrange-that Susan move up to the eleventh, into the apartment John"s wife only recently left, that they just... John"s wife had a mastectomy last fall, and in the elevator she told Susan that if she was losing what she didn"t want to lose, she might as well lose what she did want to lose. She lost John-left him the way popcorn flies out of the bag on the roller coaster. She is living somewhere in the city, but John doesn"t know where. John is a museum curator, and last month, after John"s picture appeared in a newsmagazine, showing him standing in front of an empty s.p.a.ce where a stolen canvas had hung, he got a one-word note from his wife: "Good." He showed the note to David in the elevator. "It was tucked in the back of his wallet-the way all my friends used to carry rubbers in high school," David told me.
"Did you guys know?" Noel asks. A difficult one; of course we didn"t know know, but naturally we guessed. Is Noel able to handle such semantics? David answers vaguely. Noel shakes his head vaguely, accepting David"s vague answer. What else will he accept? The move upstairs? For now, another gla.s.s of water.
David gives Noel a sweater, hoping, no doubt, to stop his shivering. Noel pulls on the sweater over pajamas patterned with small gray fish. David brings him a raincoat, too. A long white scarf hangs from the pocket. Noel swishes it back and forth listlessly. He gets up and goes to the bathroom.
"Why did she have to tell him when he was in his pajamas?" David whispers.
Noel comes back, looks out the window. "I don"t know why I didn"t know. I can tell you guys knew."
Noel goes to our front door, opens it, and wanders off down the hallway.
"If he had stayed any longer, he would have said, "Jeepers," " David says.
David looks at his watch and sighs. Usually he opens Beth"s door on his way to bed, and tiptoes in to admire her. Beth is our daughter. She is five. Some nights, David even leaves a note in her slippers, saying that he loves her. But tonight he"s depressed. I follow him into the bedroom, undress, and get into bed. David looks at me sadly, lies down next to me, turns off the light. I want to say something but don"t know what to say. I could say, "One of us should have gone with Noel. Do you know your socks are still on? You"re going to do to me what Susan did to Noel, aren"t you?"
"Did you see his poor miserable pajamas?" David whispers finally. He throws back the covers and gets up and goes back to the living room. I follow, half asleep. David sits in the chair, puts his arms on the armrests, presses his neck against the back of the chair, and moves his feet together. "Zzzz," he says, and his head falls forward.
Back in bed, I lie awake, remembering a day David and I spent in the park last August. David was sitting on the swing next to me, sc.r.a.ping the toes of his tennis shoes in the loose dirt.
"Don"t you want to swing?" I said. We had been playing tennis. He had beaten me every game. He always beats me at everything-precision parking, three-dimensional ticktacktoe, souffles. His souffles rise as beautifully curved as the moon.
"I don"t know how to swing," he said.
I tried to teach him, but he couldn"t get his legs to move right. He stood the way I told him, with the board against his behind, gave a little jump to get on, but then he couldn"t synchronize his legs. "Pump!" I called, but it didn"t mean anything. I might as well have said, "Juggle dishes." I still find it hard to believe there"s anything I can do that he can"t do.
He got off the swing. "Why do you act like everything is a G.o.dd.a.m.n contest?" he said, and walked away.
"Because we"re always having contests and you always win!" I shouted.
I was still waiting by the swings when he showed up half an hour later.
"Do you consider it a contest when we go scuba diving?" he said.
He had me. It was stupid of me last summer to say how he always s.n.a.t.c.hed the best sh.e.l.ls, even when they were closer to me. That made him laugh. He had chased me into a corner, then laughed at me.
I lie in bed now, hating him for that. But don"t leave me, I think-don"t do what Noel"s wife did. I reach across the bed and gently take hold of a little wrinkle in his pajama top. I don"t know if I want to yank his pajamas-do something violent-or smooth them. Confused, I take my hand away and turn on the light. David rolls over, throws his arm over his face, groans. I stare at him. In a second he will lower his arm and demand an explanation. Trapped again. I get up and put on my slippers.
"I"m going to get a drink of water," I whisper apologetically.
Later in the month, it happens. I"m sitting on a cushion on the floor, with newspapers spread in front of me, repotting plants. I"m just moving the purple pa.s.sion plant to a larger pot when David comes in. It is late in the afternoon-late enough to be dark outside. David has been out with Beth. Before the two of them went out, Beth, confused by the sight of soil indoors, crouched down beside me to ask, "Are there ants, Mommy?" I laughed. David never approved of my laughing at her. Later, that will be something he"ll mention in court, hoping to get custody: I laugh at her. And when that doesn"t work, he"ll tell the judge what I said about his s.n.a.t.c.hing all the best seash.e.l.ls.
David comes in, coat still b.u.t.toned, blue silk scarf still tied (a Christmas present from Noel, with many apologies for losing the white one), sits on the floor, and says that he"s decided to leave. He is speaking very reasonably and quietly. That alarms me. It crosses my mind that he"s mad. And Beth isn"t with him. He has killed her!
No, no, of course not. I"m mad. Beth is upstairs in her friend"s apartment. He ran into Beth"s friend and her mother coming into the building. He asked if Beth could stay in their apartment for a few minutes. I"m not convinced: What friend? I"m foolish to feel rea.s.sured as soon as he names one-Louisa. I feel nothing but relief. It might be more accurate to say that I feel nothing. I would have felt pain if she were dead, but David says she isn"t, so I feel nothing. I reach out and begin stroking the plant"s leaves. Soft leaves, sharp points. The plant I"m repotting is a cutting from Noel"s big plant that hangs in a silver ice bucket in his window (a wedding gift that he and Susan had never used). I helped him put it in the ice bucket. "What are you going to do with the top?" I asked. He put it on his head and danced around.
"I had an uncle who got drunk and danced with a lampshade on his head," Noel said. "That"s an old joke, but how many people have actually seen seen a man dance with a lampshade on his head? My uncle did it every New Year"s Eve." a man dance with a lampshade on his head? My uncle did it every New Year"s Eve."
"What the h.e.l.l are you smiling about?" David says. "Are you listening to me?"
I nod and start to cry. It will be a long time before I realize that David makes me sad and Noel makes me happy.
Noel sympathizes with me. He tells me that David is a fool; he is better off without Susan, and I will be better off without David. Noel calls or visits me in my new apartment almost every night. Last night he suggested that I get a babysitter for tonight, so he could take me to dinner. He tries very hard to make me happy. He brings expensive wine when we eat in my apartment and offers to buy it in restaurants when we eat out. Beth prefers it when we eat in; that way, she can have both Noel and the toy that Noel inevitably brings. Her favorite toy, so far, is a handsome red tugboat pulling three barges, attached to one another by string. Noel bends over, almost doubled in half, to move them across the rug, whistling and calling orders to the imaginary crew. He does not just bring gifts to Beth and me. He has bought himself a new car, and pretends that this is for Beth and me. ("Comfortable seats?" he asks me. "That"s a nice big window back there to wave out of," he says to Beth.) It is silly to pretend that he got the car for the three of us. And if he did, why was he too cheap to have a radio installed, when he knows I love music? Not only that but he"s bowlegged. I am ashamed of myself for thinking bad things about Noel. He tries so hard to keep us cheerful. He can"t help the odd angle of his thighs. Feeling sorry for him, I decided that a cheap dinner was good enough for tonight. I said that I wanted to go to a Chinese restaurant.
At the restaurant I eat shrimp in black bean sauce and drink a Heineken"s and think that I"ve never tasted anything so delicious. The waiter brings two fortune cookies. We open them; the fortunes make no sense. Noel summons the waiter for the bill. With it come more fortune cookies-four this time. They are no good, either: talk of travel and money. Noel says, "What b.l.o.o.d.y rot." He is wearing a gray vest and a white shirt. I peek around the table without his noticing and see that he"s wearing gray wool slacks. Lately it has been very important for me to be able to see everything. Whenever Noel pulls the boats out of sight, into another room, I move as quickly as Beth to watch what"s going on.
Standing behind Noel at the cash register, I see that it has started to rain-a mixture of rain and snow.
"You know how you can tell a Chinese restaurant from any other?" Noel asks, pushing open the door. "Even when it"s raining, the cats still run for the street."
I shake my head in disgust.
Noel stretches the skin at the corners of his eyes. "Sorry for honorable joke," he says.
We run for the car. He grabs the belt of my coat, catches me, and half lifts me with one arm, running along with me dangling at his side, giggling. Our wool coats stink. He opens my car door, runs around, and pulls his open. He"s done it again; he has made me laugh.
We start home.
We are in heavy traffic, and Noel drives very slowly, protecting his new car.
"How old are you?" I ask.
"Thirty-six," Noel says.
"I"m twenty-seven," I say.
"So what?" he says. He says it pleasantly.
"I just didn"t know how old you were."
"Mentally, I"m neck and neck with Beth," he says.
I"m soaking wet, and I want to get home to put on dry clothes. I look at him inching through traffic, and I remember the way his face looked that night he sat in the living room with David and me.
"Rain always puts you in a bad mood, doesn"t it?" he says. He turns the windshield wipers on high. Rubber squeaks against gla.s.s.
"I see myself dead in it," I say.
"You see yourself dead in it?"
Noel does not read novels. He reads Moneysworth Moneysworth, the Wall Street Journal, Commentary Wall Street Journal, Commentary. I reprimand myself; there must be fitting ironies in the Wall Street Journal Wall Street Journal.
"Are you kidding?" Noel says. "You seemed to be enjoying yourself at dinner. It was a good dinner, wasn"t it?"
"I make you nervous, don"t I?" I say.
"No. You don"t make me nervous."
Rain splashes under the car, drums on the roof. We ride on for blocks and blocks. It is too quiet; I wish there were a radio. The rain on the roof is monotonous, the collar of my coat is wet and cold. At last we are home. Noel parks the car and comes around to my door and opens it. I get out. Noel pulls me close, squeezes me hard. When I was a little girl, I once squeezed a doll to my chest in an antique shop, and when I took it away the eyes had popped off. An unpleasant memory. With my arms around Noel, I feel the cold rain hitting my hands and wrists.
A man running down the sidewalk with a small dog in his arms and a big black umbrella over him calls, "Your lights are on!"
It is almost a year later-Christmas-and we are visiting Noel"s crazy sister, Juliette. After going with Noel for so long, I am considered one of the family. Juliette phones before every occasion, saying, "You"re one of the family. Of course you don"t need an invitation." I should appreciate it, but she"s always drunk when she calls, and usually she starts to cry and says she wishes Christmas and Thanksgiving didn"t exist. Jeanette, his other sister, is very nice, but she lives in Colorado. Juliette lives in New Jersey. Here we are in Bayonne, New Jersey, coming in through the front door-Noel holding Beth, me carrying a pumpkin pie. I tried to sniff the pie aroma on the way from Noel"s apartment to his sister"s house, but it had no smell. Or else I"m getting another cold. I sucked chewable vitamin C tablets in the car, and now I smell of oranges. Noel"s mother is in the living room, crocheting. Better, at least, than David"s mother, who was always discoursing about Andrew Wyeth. I remember with satisfaction that the last time I saw her I said, "It"s a simple fact that Edward Hopper was better."
Juliette: long, whitish-blond hair tucked in back of her pink ears, spike-heel shoes that she orders from Frederick"s of Hollywood, dresses that show her cleavage. Noel and I are silently wondering if her husband will be here. At Thanksgiving he showed up just as we were starting dinner, with a black-haired woman who wore a dress with a plunging neckline. Juliette"s b.r.e.a.s.t.s faced the black-haired woman"s b.r.e.a.s.t.s across the table (tablecloth crocheted by Noel"s mother). Noel doesn"t like me to criticize Juliette. He thinks positively. His other sister is a musician. She has a husband and a Weimaraner and two rare birds that live in a birdcage built by her husband. They have a lot of money and they ski. They have adopted a Korean boy. Once, they showed us a film of the Korean boy learning to ski. Wham, wham, wham-every few seconds he was groveling in the snow again.
Juliette is such a liberal that she gives us not only the same bedroom but a bedroom with only a single bed in it. Beth sleeps on the couch.
Wedged beside Noel that night, I say, "This is ridiculous."
"She means to be nice," he says. "Where else would we sleep?"
"She could let us have her double bed and she could sleep in here. After all, he"s not coming back, Noel."
"Shh."
"Wouldn"t that have been better?"
"What do you care?" Noel says. "You"re nuts about me, right?"
He slides up against me and hugs my back.