But as I say it was getting too late for perfect watchfulness, in fact for any kind of effective watchfulness at all. The complexion of the whole situation was changing in a rush. The possibilities of dealing or receiving death--along with the chance of the minor indignity of cannibalism, which some of us practice--were suddenly gone, all gone. It was going to be all right this time, I was telling myself. This was the time it would be different, this was the time love would last, this was the time l.u.s.t would be the firm foundation for understanding and trust, this time there would be really safe sleeping. This girl"s body would be home for me, a beautiful tender inexhaustibly exciting home, and mine for her, for always.
As she threw off her shirt, the last darkly red light showed me another smooth slantwise scar, this one around her hips, like a narrow girdle that has slipped down a little on one side.
CHAPTER 2
_Murder most foul, as in the best it is; But this most foul, strange and unnatural._
--Hamlet
When I woke the light was almost full amber and I could feel no flesh against mine, only the blanket under me. I very slowly rolled over and there she was, sitting on the corner of the blanket not two feet from me, combing her long black hair with a big, wide-toothed comb she"d screwed into the leather-and-metal cap over her wrist stump.
She"d put on her pants and shirt, but the former were rolled up to her knees and the latter, though tucked in, wasn"t b.u.t.toned.
She was looking at me, contemplating me you might say, quite dreamily but with a faint, easy smile.
I smiled back at her.
It was lovely.
Too lovely. There had to be something wrong with it.
There was. Oh, nothing big. Just a solitary trifle--nothing worth noticing really.
But the tiniest solitary things can sometimes be the most irritating, like _one_ mosquito.
When I"d first rolled over she"d been combing her hair straight back, revealing a wedge of baldness following the continuation of her forehead scar deep back across her scalp. Now with a movement that was swift though not hurried-looking she swept the ma.s.s of her hair forward and to the left, so that it covered the bald area. Also her lips straightened out.
I was hurt. She shouldn"t have hidden her bit of baldness, it was something we had in common, something that brought us closer. And she shouldn"t have stopped smiling at just that moment. Didn"t she realize I loved that blaze on her scalp just as much as any other part of her, that she no longer had any need to practice vanity in front of me?
Didn"t she realize that as soon as she stopped smiling, her contemplative stare became an insult to me? What right had she to stare, critically I felt sure, at my bald head? What right had she to know about the nearly-healed ulcer on my left shin?--that was a piece of information worth a man"s life in a fight. What right had she to cover up, anyways, while I was still naked? She ought to have waked me up so that we could have got dressed as we"d undressed, together. There were lots of things wrong with her manners.
Oh, I know that if I"d been able to think calmly, maybe if I"d just had some breakfast or a little coffee inside me, or even if there"d been some hot breakfast to eat at that moment, I"d have recognized my irritation for the irrational, one-mosquito surge of negative feeling that it was.
Even without breakfast, if I"d just had the knowledge that there was a reasonably secure day ahead of me in which there"d be an opportunity for me to straighten out my feelings, I wouldn"t have been irked, or at least being irked wouldn"t have bothered me terribly.
But a sense of security is an even rarer commodity in the Deathlands than a hot breakfast.
Given just the ghost of a sense of security and/or some hot breakfast, I"d have told myself that she was merely being amusingly coquettish about her bald streak and her hair, that it was natural for a woman to try to preserve some mystery about herself in front of the man she beds with.
But you get leery of any kind of mystery in the Deathlands. It makes you frightened and angry, like it does an animal. Mystery is for cultural queers, strictly. The only way for two people to get along together in the Deathlands, even for a while, is never to hide anything and never to make a move that doesn"t have an immediate clear explanation. You can"t talk, you see, certainly not at first, and so you can"t explain anything (most explanations are just lies and dreams, anyway), so you have to be doubly careful and explicit about everything you do.
This girl wasn"t being either. Right now, on top of her other gaucheries, she was uns.c.r.e.w.i.n.g the comb from her wrist--an unfriendly if not quite a hostile act, as anyone must admit.
Understand, please, I wasn"t _showing_ any of these negative reactions of mine any more than she was showing hers, except for her stopping smiling. In fact _I hadn"t_ stopped smiling, I was playing the game to the hilt.
But inside me everything was stewed up and the other urge had come back and presently it would begin to grow again. That"s the trouble, you know, with s.e.x as a solution to the problem of the two urges. It"s fine while it lasts but it wears itself out and then you"re back with Urge Number One and you have nothing left to balance it with.
Oh, I wouldn"t kill this girl today, I probably wouldn"t seriously think of killing her for a month or more, but Old Urge Number One would be there and growing, mostly under cover, all the time. Of course there were things I could do to slow its growth, lots of little gimmicks, in fact--I was pretty experienced at this business.
For instance, I could take a shot at talking to her pretty soon. For a catchy starter, I could tell her about Nowhere, how these five other b.u.g.g.e.rs and me found ourselves independently skulking along after this scavenging expedition from Porter, how we naturally joined forces in that situation, how we set a pitfall for their alky-powered jeep and wrecked it and them, how when our haul turned out to be unexpectedly big the four of us left from the kill chummied up and padded down together and amused each other for a while and played games, you might say. Why, at one point we even had an old crank phonograph going and read some books. And, of course, how when the loot gave out and the fun wore off, we had our murder party and I survived along with, I think, a b.u.g.g.e.r named Jerry--at any rate, he was gone when the blood stopped spurting, and I"d had no stomach for tracking him, though I probably should have.
And in return she could tell me how she had killed off her last set of girlfriends, or boyfriends, or friend, or whatever it was.
After that, we could have a go at exchanging news, rumors and speculations about local, national and world events. Was it true that Atlantic Highlands had planes of some sort or were they from Europe?
Were they actually crucifying the Deathlanders around Walla Walla or only nailing up their dead bodies as dire warnings to others such? Had Manteno made Christianity compulsory yet, or were they still tolerating Zen Buddhists? Was it true that Los Alamos had been completely wiped out by plague, but the area taboo to Deathlanders because of the robot guards they"d left behind--metal guards eight feet tall who tramped across the white sands, wailing? Did they still have free love in Pacific Palisades? Did she know there"d been a pitched battle fought by expeditionary forces from Ouachita and Savannah Fortress? Over the loot of Birmingham, apparently, after yellow fever had finished off that princ.i.p.ality. Had she rooted out any "observers" lately?--some of the "civilized" communities, the more "scientific" ones, try to maintain a few weather stations and the like in the Deathlands, camouflaging them elaborately and manning them with one or two impudent characters to whom we give a hard time if we uncover them. Had she heard the tale that was going around that South America and the French Riviera had survived the Last War absolutely untouched?--and the obviously ridiculous rider that they had blue skies there and saw stars every third night? Did she think that subsequent conditions were showing that the Earth actually had plunged into an interstellar dust cloud coincidentally with the start of the Last War (the dust cloud used as a cover for the first attacks, some said) or did she still hold with the majority that the dust was solely of atomic origin with a little help from volcanoes and dry spells? How many green sunsets had she seen in the last year?
After we"d chewed over those racy topics and some more like them, and incidentally got bored with guessing and fabricating, we might, if we felt especially daring and conversation were going particularly well, even take a chance on talking a little about our childhoods, about how things were before the Last War (though she was almost too young for that)--about the _little_ things we remembered--the big things were much too dangerous topics to venture on and sometimes even the little memories could suddenly twist you up as if you"d swallowed lye.
But after that there wouldn"t be anything left to talk about. Anything you"d risk talking about, that is. For instance, no matter how long we talked, it was very unlikely that we"d either of us tell the other anything complete or very accurate about how we lived from day to day, about our techniques of surviving and staying sane or at least functional--that would be too imprudent, it would go too much against the grain of any player of the murder game. Would I tell her, or anyone, about how I worked the ruses of playing dead and disguising myself as a woman, about my trick of picking a path just before dark and then circling back to it by a pre-surveyed route, about the chess games I played with myself, about the bottle of green, terribly hot-looking powder I carried to sprinkle behind me to bluff off pursuers? A fat chance of my revealing things like that!
And when all the talk was over, what would it have gained us? Our minds would be filled with a lot of painful stuff better kept buried--meaningless hopes, sc.r.a.ps of vicarious living in "cultured"
communities, memories that were nothing but melancholy given concrete form. The melancholy is easiest to bear when it"s the diffused background for everything; and all garbage is best kept in the can. Oh yes, our talking would have gained us a few more days of infatuation, of phantom security, but those we could have--almost as many of them, at any rate--without talking.
For instance things were smoothing over already between her and me again and I no longer felt quite so irked. She"d replaced the comb with an inoffensive-looking pair of light pliers and was doing up her hair with the metal shavings. And I was acting as if content to watch her, as in a way I was. I"d still made no move to get dressed.
She looked real sweet, you know, primping herself that way. Her face was a little flat, but it was young, and the scar gave it just the fillip it needed.
But what was going on behind that forehead right now, I asked myself? I felt real psychic this morning, my mind as clear as a bottle of White Rock you find miraculously unbroken in a blasted tavern, and the answers to the question I"d asked myself came effortlessly.
She was telling herself she"d got herself a man again, a man who was adequate in the primal clutch (I gave myself that pat on the back), and that she wouldn"t have to be plagued and have her safety endangered by _that_ kind of mind-dulling restlessness and yearning for a while.
She was lightly playing around with ideas about how she"d found a home and a protector, knowing she was kidding herself, that it was the most gimcracky feminine make-believe, but enjoying it just the same.
She was sizing me up, deciding in detail just what I went for in a woman, what whetted my interest, so she could keep that roused as long as seemed desirable or prudent to her to continue our relation.
She was kicking herself, only lightly to begin with, because she hadn"t taken any precautions--because we who"ve escaped hot death against all reasonable expectations by virtue of some incalculable resistance to the ills of radioactivity, quite often find we"ve escaped sterility too. If she should become pregnant, she was telling herself, then she had a real sticky business ahead of her where no man could be trusted for a second.
And because she was thinking of this and because she was obviously a realistic Deathlander, she was reminding herself that a woman is basically less impulsive and daring and resourceful than a man and so had always better be sure she gets in the first blow. She would be thinking that I was a realist myself and a smart man, one able to understand her predicament quite clearly--and because of that a much sooner danger to her. She was feeling Old Number One Urge starting to grow in her again and wondering whether it mightn"t be wisest to give it the hot-house treatment.
That is the trouble with a clear mind. For a little while you see things as they really are and you can accurately predict how they"re going to shape the future ... and then suddenly you realize you"ve predicted yourself a week or a month into the future and you can"t live the intervening time any more because you"ve already imagined it in detail.
People who live in communities, even the cultural queers of our maimed era, aren"t much bothered by it--there must be some sort of blinkers they hand you out along with the key to the city--but in the Deathlands it"s a fairly common phenomenon and there"s no hiding from it.
Me and my clear mind!--once again it had done me out of days of fun, changed a thoroughly-explored love affair into a one night stand. Oh, there was no question about it, this girl and I were finished, right this minute, as of now, because she was just as psychic as I was this morning and had sensed every last thing that I"d been thinking.
With a movement smooth enough not to look rushed I swung into a crouch.