A man called on me last week and proposed gravely that I should write a book upon an idea which had occurred to a friend of his, a Jew living in New Bond Street. It was a plan requiring the co-operation of a brilliant writer and that was why he had come to me. If only I would help, the return of the Jews to Palestine would be rendered certain and easy. There was no trouble about the poor Jews, he knew how he could get them back at any time; the difficulty lay with the Rothschilds, the Oppenheims and such; with my a.s.sistance, however, the thing could be done.
I am afraid I was rude enough to decline to go into the scheme on the ground that I did not care twopence whether the Rothschilds and Oppenheims went back to Palestine or not. This was felt to be an obstacle; but then he began to try and make me care, whereupon, of course, I had to get rid of him. [1883.]
The Great Bear"s Barley-Water
Last night Jones was walking down with me from Staple Inn to Clifford"s Inn, about 10 o"clock, and we saw the Great Bear standing upright on the tip of his tail which was coming out of a chimney pot.
Jones said it wanted attending to. I said:
"Yes, but to attend to it properly we ought to sit up with it all night, and if the Great Bear thinks that I am going to sit by his bed-side and give him a spoonful of barley-water every ten minutes, he will find himself much mistaken." [1892.]
The c.o.c.k Tavern
I went into Fleet Street one Sunday morning last November [1882] with my camera lucida to see whether I should like to make a sketch of the gap made by the demolition of the c.o.c.k Tavern. It was rather pretty, with an old roof or two behind and scaffolding about and torn paper hanging to an exposed party-wall and old fireplaces and so on, but it was not very much out of the way. Still I would have taken it if it had not been the c.o.c.k. I thought of all the trash that has been written about it and of Tennyson"s plump head waiter (who by the way used to swear that he did not know Tennyson and that Tennyson never did resort to the c.o.c.k) and I said to myself:
"No--you may go. I will put out no hand to save you."
Myself in Dowie"s Shop
I always buy ready-made boots and insist on taking those which the shopman says are much too large for me. By this means I keep free from corns, but I have a great deal of trouble generally with the shopman. I had got on a pair once which I thought would do, and the shopman said for the third or fourth time:
"But really, sir, these boots are much too large for you." I turned to him and said rather sternly, "Now, you made that remark before."
There was nothing in it, but all at once I became aware that I was being watched, and, looking up, saw a middle-aged gentleman eyeing the whole proceedings with much amus.e.m.e.nt. He was quite polite but he was obviously exceedingly amused. I can hardly tell why, nor why I should put such a trifle down, but somehow or other an impression was made upon me by the affair quite out of proportion to that usually produced by so small a matter.
My Dentist
Mr. Forsyth had been stopping a tooth for me and then talked a little, as he generally does, and asked me if I knew a certain distinguished literary man, or rather journalist. I said No, and that I did not want to know him. The paper edited by the gentleman in question was not to my taste. I was a literary Ishmael, and preferred to remain so. It was my role.
"It seems to me," I continued, "that if a man will only be careful not to write about things that he does not understand, if he will use the tooth-pick freely and the spirit twice a day, and come to you again in October, he will get on very well without knowing any of the big-wigs."
"The tooth-pick freely" and "the spirit twice a day" being tags of Mr. Forsyth"s, he laughed.
Furber the Violin-Maker
From what my cousin [Reginald E. Worsley] and Gogin both tell me I am sure that Furber is one of the best men we have. My cousin did not like to send Hyam to him for a violin: he did not think him worthy to have one. Furber does not want you to buy a violin unless you can appreciate it when you have it. My cousin says of him:
"He is generally a little tight on a Sat.u.r.day afternoon. He always speaks the truth, but on Sat.u.r.day afternoons it comes pouring out more."
"His joints [i.e. the joints of the violins he makes] are the closest and neatest that were ever made."
"He always speaks of the corners of a fiddle; Haweis would call them the points. Haweis calls it the neck of a fiddle. Furber always the handle."
My cousin says he would like to take his violins to bed with him.
Speaking of Strad violins Furber said: "Rough, rough linings, but they look as if they grew together."
One day my cousin called and Furber, on opening the door, before saying "How do you do?" or any word of greeting, said very quietly:
"The dog is dead."
My cousin, having said what he thought sufficient, took up a violin and played a few notes. Furber evidently did not like it. Rose, the dog, was still unburied; she was laid out in that very room. My cousin stopped. Then Mrs. Furber came in.
R. E. W. "I am very sorry, Mrs. Furber, to hear about Rose."
Mrs. F. "Well, yes sir. But I suppose it is all for the best."
R. E. W. "I am afraid you will miss her a great deal."
Mrs. F. "No doubt we shall, sir; but you see she is only gone a little while before us."
R. E. W. "Oh, Mrs. Furber, I hope a good long while."
Mrs. F. (brightening). "Well, yes sir, I don"t want to go just yet, though Mr. Furber does say it is a happy thing to die."
My cousin says that Furber hardly knows any one by their real name.
He identifies them by some nickname in connection with the fiddles they buy from him or get him to repair, or by some personal peculiarity.
"There is one man," said my cousin, "whom he calls "diaphragm"
because he wanted a fiddle made with what he called a diaphragm in it. He knows Dando and Carrodus and Jenny Lind, but hardly any one else."
"Who is Dando?" said I.
"Why, Dando? Not know Dando? He was George the Fourth"s music master, and is now one of the oldest members of the profession."
Window Cleaning in the British Museum Reading-Room
Once a year or so the figures on the a.s.syrian bas-reliefs break adrift and may be seen, with their scaling ladders and all, cleaning the outside of the windows in the dome of the reading-room. It is very pretty to watch them and they would photograph beautifully. If I live to see them do it again I must certainly snapshot them. You can see them smoking and sparring, and this year they have left a little hole in the window above the clock.
The Electric Light in its Infancy
I heard a woman in a "bus boring her lover about the electric light.
She wanted to know this and that, and the poor lover was helpless.
Then she said she wanted to know how it was regulated. At last she settled down by saying that she knew it was in its infancy. The word "infancy" seemed to have a soothing effect upon her, for she said no more but, leaning her head against her lover"s shoulder, composed herself to slumber.