Unable to think of anything I could do that would threaten Russell in any way, I ignored him. The cat showed no fear, continuing his rusty metal noise, so I picked him up and set off for home, with Thomas muttering to himself every inch of the way.
"Youre wasting your time, I said, crossly. "Im not listening.
I hoped Russell would still be yelling at Mr Daniels, but he was crossing the yard. Of course he was.
I said to the cat, "This is Russell. He shouts a lot but he doesnt mean any harm so dont worry. Im just going to cover you up now.
"Now youre in trouble.
What happened to we?
"Jenny, whats happened?
"What do you mean?
"Youre soaking wet and youve cut your cheek. I have to hand it to you, wife, Ive only been gone half an hour. Whats in the jacket?
Well, hed stolen a donkey and Id backed him up. Now it was his turn. I went to pull back my jacket, but the cat beat me to it and poked out a head like an outraged periscope, took one look at Russell, laid back its stumpy ear and hissed, long and hard.
Russell took a step backwards.
"What the b.l.o.o.d.y h.e.l.l is that?
Off we went again.
"Its a cat.
"Jenny, put down the jacket and step away.
"No. I tightened my grip.
"What?
"I said no, Russell. I cant pull it out of the pond and then ... just leave it.
"What pond?
"The Duck Pond. Some boys threw him in.
"What boys?
"The boys who threw him into the pond.
"And you pulled it out? You?
"Yes.
"Where were the boys while this was going on?
"I dont know. I wasnt looking. I was in the pond.
"Theres blood on you. Did it bite you?
"No, I fell over something.
The cat spat at Russell again.
"Whats the matter with it?
"Nothing. It just doesnt like you.
"Why the h.e.l.l not?
"Because Im cold and wet, and my face hurts, and hes cold and wet and hurt and youre just standing there yelling at the pair of us and if I could spit then I would too.
Mrs Crisp pushed past him. "Russell, get out of the way. Come with me, Mrs Checkland. Well get you both dried off and you can have a cup of tea and he can have some milk.
"Mrs Crisp, youre not taking that disease-ridden object into my house, he shouted after us.
I turned round. "Thats not very ... nice. Im your wife.
"I didnt mean you. You know I didnt mean you. b.l.o.o.d.y h.e.l.l, Jenny.
"Nice one, Mrs Checkland. said Mrs Crisp, quietly.
When I came back downstairs, warm and dry again, Mrs Crisp handed me a mug of tea and nodded towards the stove. The cat crouched on a towel, slurping noisily at a saucer of milk. He was not a neat lapper. Milk sprayed everywhere. Beside the milk sat an empty saucer, licked more than clean.
"Tinned salmon, she said. "He seemed to enjoy it.
"Of course he b.l.o.o.d.y enjoyed it, said Russell sitting at the kitchen table. "Half an hour ago he was sinking to a watery death and now hes got the warmest spot in the house, gorged himself on a tin of Sainsburys finest red salmon, and is now lapping the cream off the top of the milk. Whats not to enjoy?
If I thought that drying out would improve his looks then I was wrong. This was not a beautiful cat. He was bigger than I thought, but that might have been because his coat was drying out. He was longhaired so hed gone fluffy. The bits I could see were a kind of rusty tabby. His tail was odd. Almost F shaped.
"Its been badly broken at one time, said Russell. "And hes covered in lumps, b.u.mps, scars, and burns. This probably ranks as one of his better days. So, when hes finished, Mrs Crisp will show him out and well be on our way, Jenny. Get your coat.
I looked at Mrs Crisp, who looked back at me.
Russell became aware of the silence.
"Were not keeping it. Its wild.
"He. Its a he.
"And yet another reason for not keeping it.
"No, its not, said Mrs Crisp who had put on her gla.s.ses and done some peering. "Its an ex-he. So he was someones pet once, maybe.
"Exactly, said Russell. "Some little kid is out there sobbing his heart out for his beloved pet. Jenny, how can you be so cruel? Or even worse, some dear old pensioner has lost his only companion and is even now sinking into the pits of despair and loneliness. And its all your fault. Seriously, Jenny, if you want a cat Ill get you one, but believe me, you dont want this one. Well take him to the cat shelter and someone will give him a nice home.
"No they wont, I said. "Hes not a pretty kitten so no one will want him. h.e.l.l sit in his cage and people wont even stop to look at him because hes not like the other cats and after a while theyll just put him down, because no one wants someone whos got something the matter with them.
Thomas, whod been very quiet all this time, blew gently in my hair.
At the other end of the room the cat was trying to purr and lap at the same time with disastrous results.
We left Mrs Crisp and Kevin fashioning a cat bed from a cardboard box, two cushions, and a towel. The way they were going at it there would be satellite TV and a split-level dining room as well.
Any anxieties I might have experienced about Russells apparent reluctance to start painting again were dispelled immediately upon entering the shop. He gazed around for a moment and then plunged off towards the paints. This was his world and I realised, without rancour, that I was forgotten.
"Wow, said Thomas, perennial shopping victim. " This is better than the bucket shop. Look at all this stuff. Look at these colours. Whats that smell? Whats this for? Oh, this is so cool ... and he disappeared too. And they talk about women and shopping.
I amused myself wandering around, occasionally catching a glimpse of Russell at the end of an aisle or hearing an echo of his voice. After about half an hour, I drifted over to the cash point where an astonishing number of boxes and bags were a.s.sembled. He had bought half the shop, it seemed. I added a rather nice book of Vermeer reproductions to the pile and settled down to wait until such time as he would remember my existence. He would certainly remember me when it came to carrying this lot to the car. I found a stool, exchanged a sympathetic glance with the cashier and leafed through my book.
He reappeared eventually, trailing two more a.s.sistants; all of them festooned like Batmans utility belt.
"h.e.l.lo, wife, he said, cheerfully. "Have you been waiting long?
"Yes, was the answer to that one but he looked so excited and happy Id have to be a monster to say it.
I smiled and shook my head and they started to ring things up. Russell apparently out of habit and not realising he didnt have to do that now, started to haggle about the price. The manager, obviously knowing him of old and with a large part of his mind calculating his commission, responded with spirit and an energetic discussion ensued. The cashier reached under the counter and placidly sipped her tea. I continued to read my book.
Silence fell. A total had been agreed. I handed over my book and it was returned to me with a smile and the compliments of the shop and before Russell could bristle indignantly and demand to know why I got freebies when I hadnt actually spent a single penny, the total was rung up and we were done.
Thomas reappeared. "Oh, there you are.
I said nothing.
He surveyed the mountain of boxes, cartons and bags. "Are you sure you havent forgotten anything?
I held up my book.
"It took you an hour to buy a book?
We were interrupted by Russell, belatedly realising he would require a.s.sistance with getting this lot back to the car.
"Now then, Jenny. Most of this stuff is quite light. Ill take the heavier stuff, but if we load you up carefully, therell be no need for two trips. Hold out your arms.
Light it may have been, but by the time hed finished I could barely see where I was going.
"Are you all right behind that lot? said Thomas.
"This is my own fault, I said to him. "I should have had the foresight to train you to pull a small cart.
He was horrified. "I dont pull carts.
"Why not? Youre always telling me youre a horse.
By this time, we were out on the pavement. Russell turned right and strode off. I followed as best I could. It wasnt far and the load wasnt heavy. I just couldnt see very well.
A man standing outside Boots put his phone away and asked, "Do you want a hand, pet?
"Oh, no, thank you. Its not far, but thank you.
"Well, look at you, said Thomas. "Talking to strange men in the street. Whod have thought?
"He, I said, with emphasis, "was being helpful.
Russell materialised. "Whats going on? Was that man bothering you?
"On the contrary, I said. "He offered to help.
"Oh, did he? said Russell, turning to glare at the fortunately just vacated spot where hed been. "Really, Jenny, I dont think ...
But we never got to find out what he didnt think because with all the inevitability of an anvil dropped from a pa.s.sing cloud, Aunt Julia was with us.
Chapter Ten.
"What on earth ...? Jenny? Is that you? What are you doing?
Her tone of voice would lead anyone to believe hed set me to work in a sugar plantation.
I think Russell had had enough.
"Ah, Julia, the very person. Im sorry to have to say this, but I really must take issue with some aspects of my wifes upbringing. Ive just had to reprimand her for speaking to strange men in the street a very inappropriate action for a newly married woman, I think youll agree. Now you know me, I dont like to criticise, but youve been remiss, Julia, very remiss indeed. However, no harm done, so well say no more about it.
I said, "Um ... but there was no chance.
Whatever promises of good behaviour shed made to Uncle Richard went straight out of the window. Or down the road, in our case.
"I beg your pardon? she gasped.
"No, thats all right, Julia. No need to be embarra.s.sed. Ive had a word with Jenny and she a.s.sures me it wont happen again. Nice to see you but we must crack on.
Francesca said, "h.e.l.lo, Russell.
I hadnt seen her from behind the boxes.
"Oh-oh.
I wondered if there was anything in the boxes that would break if I started throwing them.