"Thats my girl. Have a good cry.
So I did. I cried for Thomas, for the parents Id barely known, for the mess Id made of my life, for loneliness, for pretty well everything.
He stroked and soothed and spoke to me using his Boxer voice. He made me blow my nose. And again. He held the mug while I sipped some tea and didnt shout when I fell asleep before finishing.
When I awoke it was the next day and he was still there, more untidy and tired-looking than ever. Mrs Crisp was bringing tea. That was what had woken me. I wondered why everyone was in my room, looked over at the empty corner, remembered and felt myself begin to slide away again. Away from the long, lonely, frightening life ahead of me.
"Open your eyes, sweetheart. Theres some tea here.
I sipped obediently.
"Well done. He wiped my face. "How are you feeling?
I nodded.
And that was the end of Mr Nice Guy.
"No, he said sternly. "Speak.
I shook my head and closed my eyes again.
He pinched the back of my hand. Hard. It hurt. My eyes flew open.
"Speak. Or Ill pick up the phone and before you know it youll be up to your ears in doctors and aunts. What happened, Jenny? Tell me. Now.
It took some doing and half of me hoped hed get fed up and go, but he didnt. Finally, in a tiny thread of a voice, I said, "I lost my friend.
Which was true.
He didnt bother with easy sympathy. "Do I know him or her?
I shook my head. He saw my laptop nearby.
"An Internet friend?
Yes, that would do.
I nodded.
"What happened?
"It was very sudden. Hes just gone.
"Just like that? No warning?
I shook my head.
"Had you known your friend long?
"Fifteen years.
"Oh, Jenny. And its not as if you had that many friends to begin with. Were you close?
"I told him everything. He helped me. He made things not so bad.
If he noticed the "he, he made no comment.
We sat in silence for a long time.
"Its not easy, losing someone. Without warning. Its like having a piece of yourself ripped out.
I nodded. That was exactly what it was like. He knew. Hed lost his mother. Hed lost Francesca. Both without warning.
"It doesnt do to dwell too much on the past, Jenny. Trust me. Of course you must respect the memory of your friend and the best way to do that is to carry on with your life. Hold the memories in your heart. Keep them safe and youll find theyre there when you need them.
I nodded, not looking at the empty corner.
"Now, up you get. Come down and have something to eat. Theres donkeys to feed, gardens to work in, Kevins to advise. Your friend helped you. Now the time has come to pa.s.s on that help to others.
For a moment, I could almost hear an echo of Thoma.s.s voice in the corner. Russell had said exactly the right thing. Who would have thought it?
I nodded. "You dont look so hot yourself.
He smiled and got up. "My wife is a darling, but very high maintenance. Ill be back in half an hour. Be ready.
I was very obedient. I did exactly as I was told. I showered and dressed, albeit very slowly. I ate what was put in front of me. I helped muck out the stables. I listened while Mrs Crisp talked of menus and household accounts. I sat with a trowel in my hand and watched Kevin work in the garden. I forgot to hide my chocolate digestives and a surprised but delighted Marilyn could hardly believe her luck. After lunch, we sat down with Kevin.
He had his letter in front of him. It was folded, but I could just see the ending "Your loving Mum, and three kisses.
I would not have thought anything could pierce the fog of misery in which I had wrapped myself, but the sight of his face shocked me into thinking of someone other than myself for a change. Gone was the happy, relaxed Kevin who pottered about the yard, teasing and being teased by Marilyn. He looked exactly as he had on that first night. Except he was about a foot taller. And wider.
Mrs Crisp put tea on the table, shot me a worried look, and then took herself off with Sharon, who was shooting worried looks at Kevin. The only sound was the cat, sprawled belly-up in front of the range. I didnt know cats snored.
"For G.o.ds sake, said Russell, irritably. "Someone put a tea-towel over it. A food preparation area is no place to be showing us where his privates used to be. Suppose the vicar calls. Eh?I tried to think of something anything less likely than the clergy turning up to visit the Gomorrah that was Frogmorton Farm.
"Now then, young Kevin, he said briskly, but not unkindly. "Whats happening?
He swallowed. "Ive had a letter from my mum, he said, which we knew, but he got no further.
I felt Russell twitch with impatience beside me, and felt a twinge of alarm, but he said only, "Have you decided what to do?
"She wants me to go and live with her again. Hes gone. My step-dads gone. But ... he trailed off, blinking at the letter.
"But youre not sure if you want to go back, supplied Russell. "Youre worried the same thing might happen again when the next man comes along. Youre not sure how you feel about her making you leave in the first place. And youre worried well make you leave now you have somewhere to go. Youve had a taste of independence and you like it here.
And if he leaves he wont be able to spend his days being reduced to blushing incoherency every time Sharon looks at him, I thought.
"But, continued Russell, "you feel bad because you do really want to see your mum again, but youre not sure what to say or do when you do see her.
He nodded.
I was impressed. But, of course, hed been in the army. Young men and their troubles were not the mystery to him that they were to me.
"Well, to deal with these things in order. You know your mum best, of course. How likely is it to happen again? Do you think she will have learned from her mistake? And we all make mistakes, Kev. Even parents arent perfect. Everyone screws up occasionally. One day it might be you, but my guess is that when you do, sh.e.l.l still welcome you back with open arms because thats what mothers do. Its in their job description.
"And theres no chance of us chucking you out. Boxers got used to you and youre the only one brave enough to tackle the garden without full SWAT-style protection and flame-thrower. So dont worry about that. One day you will want to go. And well miss you. But not just yet.
Kevin nodded again, staring at the table.
"So heres a thought. Go and stay for a weekend. That way you can come back quite naturally on the Monday which will give both of you chance to think things over in your own time. See how it goes. What do you think?
He nodded again.
"And if she wants to visit you here, to make sure were not abusing you or selling you into slavery, then thats fine. Just let us know so we can keep that b.l.o.o.d.y cat covered up. In fact, Im not sure what its still doing here? he said accusingly.
That was true. Hed initially demanded it be removed from the premises and when his entire household had stared reproachfully at him, had amended this to grudgingly allowing it to sleep in the stable, where at least it might prove useful keeping the rodents down. The cat, of course, had ignored him and snagged the warmest and most comfortable place in the house. His body language suggested he was immoveable.
Kevin spoke at last. "There was something else, he said.
"Yes?
"The garden. I like it. I like doing it. I wondered ... Well, I thought ... The thing is, Id like to do it properly. And all the time. So I went to the library and got some details about the college. And they do a landscaping course. Theres a certificate at the end of it. And then I could get a proper job. No, I dont mean that the way it sounds, but I cant impose on you for ever. Its not a full-time course and I thought I could still work here, and then maybe, if I pa.s.s the course, you could give me some references. For a job, I mean, and maybe for if I find somewhere to live ...
He pulled a crumpled leaflet from his pocket and shoved it in front of Russell and said to me, "But of course, I wont go until the gardens finished. I couldnt anyway, because the new course doesnt start until September, but I have to go and talk to them and find out what equipment I need and how much it costs and everything.
Russell was smoothing out the leaflet. "Well, good for you, Kevin. But a word of advice go and talk to them now and get your name down quick. Sometimes they dont run these courses if not enough people sign up and sometimes theres too many people want to do it and its first come first served. Either way, go and talk to them. Im going into Rushford tomorrow to shout at Charlie Daniels about this b.l.o.o.d.y feed bill again, or maybe just bang his head against the wall and set fire to his office it depends how I feel and you can nip off to the college then.
"All right, thank you, said Kevin, looking suddenly much better.
"Right, said Russell, looking around him. "Anything else while Im on a roll? Shall I lead us out of recession? Solve the problems in the Middle East? Find a competent politician? Put the cat out? No? Im off to spend a quiet afternoon in my studio. Do you want to come, wife?
Actually, I just wanted to go back to my room, but Thomas would have had something to say about that, so I nodded, picked up a book so he wouldnt feel he had to talk to me, and followed him as he galloped up the stairs.
What a difference. Tanyas careful arrangement of his equipment was abandoned. Everything was everywhere. Pictures and newspaper cuttings were stuck higgledy-piggledy all over the walls. The now familiar smell of linseed oil hit me in the face. Stained canvases leaned against the walls. Both easels held a canvas a landscape on one and something swirly on the other. Sketches, big and small littered the big table. On top was a rather nice study of some autumn leaves. I would have liked to look through them, but good manners prevailed. I picked my way carefully across the floor, which was equally strewn with books, a couple of empty beer bottles, and a pizza box he was obviously hiding from Mrs Crisp. I cautiously zig-zagged to the sofa, made myself a little nest of pillows and cushions, picked up my book, and fell asleep.
"Well, youre a stimulating companion, said my husband, when I opened my eyes half an hour later. "Id hoped for witty banter, the exchange of ideas, the stimulation of creative juices, the wifely chirps of encouragement, and all I got was snoring. Do you want some tea?
I nodded, still pulling myself together.
"Well, stick the kettle on and make some, theres a good girl.
I scowled at him, made two cups of tea, and brought one over.
"What do you think?
Hed done a delightful sketch of Marilyn peering angelically through her fringe, usually just prior to doing something completely outrageous.
"Its perfect, I said. "Thats just how she looked before she ate that pack of chocolate digestives. Can we frame it?
"Well, he said, "I was thinking we could use it as our Christmas card. Its going to be our one and only Christmas together so we ought to make it a bit special. You know the sort of thing, "Seasons Greetings from Russell and Jenny Checkland." Well send them out to people we like and in a few years their rarity value will make them worth a bit. Theyll become collectors items and when Im rich and famous, people will auction theirs off for a fortune.
Something else Id forgotten about during my current bout of misery. In just over six months, I would be leaving, and whereas a little place somewhere to share with Thomas was an appealing prospect, suddenly, living alone wasnt half so inviting. But I didnt want to appear clinging and pathetic, so I sipped my tea and nodded.
He didnt say anything either, and the silence just went on and on. The view outside darkened as the afternoon wore on. A bit of a metaphor, really.
A couple of weeks drifted by. The weather warmed up. Kevin and I cleared more of the garden. We borrowed books from the library and I downloaded various bits from the Internet. We propped them up in front of us and did our best. I tried hard to be enthusiastic, but inside was always a great, gaping Thomas-sized hole.
Russell was painting we could hear him shouting. Occasionally, something got thrown across the room. But most afternoons he was out. Or if he was staying in, hed get a telephone call, shout something incomprehensible over his shoulder, jump into his Land Rover, and roar out of the yard. No one knew where he was going. I ignored the little voice inside which said: "You know where hes going, because Thomas would want me to and actually, how much did I care?
The cat, as unstoppable as continental drift, oozed into the living room and lay in front of the fire each evening, adding the distinctive smell of hot cat to the room.
Kevin came back from his mothers, looking tired but better and, on the next visit, Sharon went with him.
Mrs Crisp spent less time in her room. I learned to cook Shepherds Pie, Chocolate Sponge, Toad in the Hole, and Spag Bol, all with varying degrees of success. If she noticed she was teaching me single woman dishes, she said nothing.
Marilyn put on weight, learned how to open the door into the mud room and from there into the kitchen and was discovered pulling the cloth off the table in an attempt to dislodge the fruit bowl.
"Clever girl, said Russell, admiringly.
"Naughty girl, chided Mrs Crisp, not very convincingly.
"Lucky girl, I thought. You never caught Marilyn worrying about the future.
Russell and I went to dinner with Andrew and Tanya. I watched the un.o.btrusive togetherness that comes from a shared understanding of each other and realised I was lonelier now than ever before.
The silver lining was that Uncle Richard and Aunt Julia were away for three weeks in Portugal, where they went every year.
"Poor old Portugal, said Russell. "What did they ever do to us? Now then, Jenny, its your birthday on Sat.u.r.day. What would you like to do?
Id forgotten. Because all my days had been pretty much the same, Id never had a good sense of time. I could usually identify the current season; narrowing it down to the month was a bit more difficult; and naming the actual date was pretty well impossible. It was a good job he reminded me.
I remembered back to last year. Thomas and I had rented John Carpenters The Thing and with a household-sized bar of chocolate had enjoyed an evening of delighted terror. This year I wasnt even sure I could be bothered.
Other people, however, had different plans. Russell awoke me at some awful hour, bouncing across the room like an over-caffeinated Tigger. I suspected hed stood outside the door, looking at his watch until it showed the earliest possible time Mrs Crisp had told him would be acceptable.
He handed me a cup of tea. A tray with a rose would have been nice, but this was Russell. At least it was in a receptacle.
"Birthday breakfast downstairs, he said. "Dont be long.
Chance would have been a fine thing. Fifteen minutes later he was banging at the door again. I bundled my hair up in a scrunchie and opened the door.
"This way, he said, grabbing my wrist and for a moment, I was back in my first day here when Id got the tour. How exciting and wonderful everything had seemed. When Thomas had been with me. How could it all go so wrong?
The table was laid with a huge breakfast. Russell served Bucks Fizz. My place had a little pile of presents. I was touched they had taken all this trouble. Mrs Crisp gave me a little book of simple recipes with, most importantly of all, colour pictures of the finished dish so I had something to aim at. Sharon gave me a pretty scarf. Kevin had carved a little mouse from a piece of wood. What a talented boy he was turning out to be. And there was a big box of chocolates from Boxer, the cat, and Marilyn. I opened all my cards and stood them on the table in front of me. No one mentioned there was nothing from Aunt Julia or Uncle Richard. Maybe it was in the post.
We all sat down together, and even I picked up a little of the excitement in the room. The Bucks Fizz helped. When wed finished, Sharon got up and Russell said, "Close your eyes.
Not without some misgivings, I did as I was told. I heard a s.p.a.ce being cleared on the table. Something was put down. There was whispering.