"I don"t know" returned Mr Swiveller. "Towards Highgate, I suppose.
Perhaps the bells might strike up "Turn again Swiveller, Lord Mayor of London." Whittington"s name was d.i.c.k. I wish cats were scarcer."
Quilp looked at his companion with his eyes screwed up into a comical expression of curiosity, and patiently awaited his further explanation; upon which, however, Mr Swiveller appeared in no hurry to enter, as he ate a very long dinner in profound silence, finally pushed away his plate, threw himself back into his chair, folded his arms, and stared ruefully at the fire, in which some ends of cigars were smoking on their own account, and sending up a fragrant odour.
"Perhaps you"d like a bit of cake"--said d.i.c.k, at last turning to the dwarf. "You"re quite welcome to it. You ought to be, for it"s of your making."
"What do you mean?" said Quilp.
Mr Swiveller replied by taking from his pocket a small and very greasy parcel, slowly unfolding it, and displaying a little slab of plum-cake extremely indigestible in appearance, and bordered with a paste of white sugar an inch and a half deep.
"What should you say this was?" demanded Mr Swiveller.
"It looks like bride-cake," replied the dwarf, grinning.
"And whose should you say it was?" inquired Mr Swiveller, rubbing the pastry against his nose with a dreadful calmness. "Whose?"
"Not--"
"Yes," said d.i.c.k, "the same. You needn"t mention her name. There"s no such name now. Her name is Cheggs now, Sophy Cheggs. Yet loved I as man never loved that hadn"t wooden legs, and my heart, my heart is breaking for the love of Sophy Cheggs."
With this extemporary adaptation of a popular ballad to the distressing circ.u.mstances of his own case, Mr Swiveller folded up the parcel again, beat it very flat between the palms of his hands, thrust it into his breast, b.u.t.toned his coat over it, and folded his arms upon the whole.
"Now, I hope you"re satisfied, sir," said d.i.c.k; "and I hope Fred"s satisfied. You went partners in the mischief, and I hope you like it.
This is the triumph I was to have, is it? It"s like the old country-dance of that name, where there are two gentlemen to one lady, and one has her, and the other hasn"t, but comes limping up behind to make out the figure. But it"s Destiny, and mine"s a crusher."
Disguising his secret joy in Mr Swiveller"s defeat, Daniel Quilp adopted the surest means of soothing him, by ringing the bell, and ordering in a supply of rosy wine (that is to say, of its usual representative), which he put about with great alacrity, calling upon Mr Swiveller to pledge him in various toasts derisive of Cheggs, and eulogistic of the happiness of single men. Such was their impression on Mr Swiveller, coupled with the reflection that no man could oppose his destiny, that in a very short s.p.a.ce of time his spirits rose surprisingly, and he was enabled to give the dwarf an account of the receipt of the cake, which, it appeared, had been brought to Bevis Marks by the two surviving Miss Wackleses in person, and delivered at the office door with much giggling and joyfulness.
"Ha!" said Quilp. "It will be our turn to giggle soon. And that reminds me--you spoke of young Trent--where is he?"
Mr Swiveller explained that his respectable friend had recently accepted a responsible situation in a locomotive gaming-house, and was at that time absent on a professional tour among the adventurous spirits of Great Britain.
"That"s unfortunate," said the dwarf, "for I came, in fact, to ask you about him. A thought has occurred to me, d.i.c.k; your friend over the way--"
"Which friend?"
"In the first floor."
"Yes?"
"Your friend in the first floor, d.i.c.k, may know him."
"No, he don"t," said Mr Swiveller, shaking his head.
"Don"t! No, because he has never seen him," rejoined Quilp; "but if we were to bring them together, who knows, d.i.c.k, but Fred, properly introduced, would serve his turn almost as well as little Nell or her grandfather--who knows but it might make the young fellow"s fortune, and, through him, yours, eh?"
"Why, the fact is, you see," said Mr Swiveller, "that they HAVE been brought together."
"Have been!" cried the dwarf, looking suspiciously at his companion.
"Through whose means?" "Through mine," said d.i.c.k, slightly confused.
"Didn"t I mention it to you the last time you called over yonder?"
"You know you didn"t," returned the dwarf.
"I believe you"re right," said d.i.c.k. "No. I didn"t, I recollect. Oh yes, I brought "em together that very day. It was Fred"s suggestion."
"And what came of it?"
"Why, instead of my friend"s bursting into tears when he knew who Fred was, embracing him kindly, and telling him that he was his grandfather, or his grandmother in disguise (which we fully expected), he flew into a tremendous pa.s.sion; called him all manner of names; said it was in a great measure his fault that little Nell and the old gentleman had ever been brought to poverty; didn"t hint at our taking anything to drink; and--and in short rather turned us out of the room than otherwise."
"That"s strange," said the dwarf, musing.
"So we remarked to each other at the time," returned d.i.c.k coolly, "but quite true."
Quilp was plainly staggered by this intelligence, over which he brooded for some time in moody silence, often raising his eyes to Mr Swiveller"s face, and sharply scanning its expression. As he could read in it, however, no additional information or anything to lead him to believe he had spoken falsely; and as Mr Swiveller, left to his own meditations, sighed deeply, and was evidently growing maudlin on the subject of Mrs Cheggs; the dwarf soon broke up the conference and took his departure, leaving the bereaved one to his melancholy ruminations.
"Have been brought together, eh?" said the dwarf as he walked the streets alone. "My friend has stolen a march upon me. It led him to nothing, and therefore is no great matter, save in the intention. I"m glad he has lost his mistress. Ha ha! The blockhead mustn"t leave the law at present. I"m sure of him where he is, whenever I want him for my own purposes, and, besides, he"s a good unconscious spy on Bra.s.s, and tells, in his cups, all that he sees and hears. You"re useful to me, d.i.c.k, and cost nothing but a little treating now and then. I am not sure that it may not be worth while, before long, to take credit with the stranger, d.i.c.k, by discovering your designs upon the child; but for the present we"ll remain the best friends in the world, with your good leave."
Pursuing these thoughts, and gasping as he went along, after his own peculiar fashion, Mr Quilp once more crossed the Thames, and shut himself up in his Bachelor"s Hall, which, by reason of its newly-erected chimney depositing the smoke inside the room and carrying none of it off, was not quite so agreeable as more fastidious people might have desired. Such inconveniences, however, instead of disgusting the dwarf with his new abode, rather suited his humour; so, after dining luxuriously from the public-house, he lighted his pipe, and smoked against the chimney until nothing of him was visible through the mist but a pair of red and highly inflamed eyes, with sometimes a dim vision of his head and face, as, in a violent fit of coughing, he slightly stirred the smoke and scattered the heavy wreaths by which they were obscured. In the midst of this atmosphere, which must infallibly have smothered any other man, Mr Quilp pa.s.sed the evening with great cheerfulness; solacing himself all the time with the pipe and the case-bottle; and occasionally entertaining himself with a melodious howl, intended for a song, but bearing not the faintest resemblance to any sc.r.a.p of any piece of music, vocal or instrumental, ever invented by man. Thus he amused himself until nearly midnight, when he turned into his hammock with the utmost satisfaction.
The first sound that met his ears in the morning--as he half opened his eyes, and, finding himself so unusually near the ceiling, entertained a drowsy idea that he must have been transformed into a fly or blue-bottle in the course of the night,--was that of a stifled sobbing and weeping in the room. Peeping cautiously over the side of his hammock, he descried Mrs Quilp, to whom, after contemplating her for some time in silence, he communicated a violent start by suddenly yelling out--"Halloa!"
"Oh, Quilp!" cried his poor little wife, looking up. "How you frightened me!"
"I meant to, you jade," returned the dwarf. "What do you want here?
I"m dead, an"t I?"
"Oh, please come home, do come home," said Mrs Quilp, sobbing; "we"ll never do so any more, Quilp, and after all it was only a mistake that grew out of our anxiety."
"Out of your anxiety," grinned the dwarf. "Yes, I know that--out of your anxiety for my death. I shall come home when I please, I tell you. I shall come home when I please, and go when I please. I"ll be a Will o" the Wisp, now here, now there, dancing about you always, starting up when you least expect me, and keeping you in a constant state of restlessness and irritation. Will you begone?"
Mrs Quilp durst only make a gesture of entreaty.
"I tell you no," cried the dwarf. "No. If you dare to come here again unless you"re sent for, I"ll keep watch-dogs in the yard that"ll growl and bite--I"ll have man-traps, cunningly altered and improved for catching women--I"ll have spring guns, that shall explode when you tread upon the wires, and blow you into little pieces. Will you begone?"
"Do forgive me. Do come back," said his wife, earnestly.
"No-o-o-o-o!" roared Quilp. "Not till my own good time, and then I"ll return again as often as I choose, and be accountable to n.o.body for my goings or comings. You see the door there. Will you go?"
Mr Quilp delivered this last command in such a very energetic voice, and moreover accompanied it with such a sudden gesture, indicative of an intention to spring out of his hammock, and, night-capped as he was, bear his wife home again through the public streets, that she sped away like an arrow. Her worthy lord stretched his neck and eyes until she had crossed the yard, and then, not at all sorry to have had this opportunity of carrying his point, and a.s.serting the sanct.i.ty of his castle, fell into an immoderate fit of laughter, and laid himself down to sleep again.
CHAPTER 51
The bland and open-hearted proprietor of Bachelor"s Hall slept on amidst the congenial accompaniments of rain, mud, dirt, damp, fog, and rats, until late in the day; when, summoning his valet Tom Scott to a.s.sist him to rise, and to prepare breakfast, he quitted his couch, and made his toilet. This duty performed, and his repast ended, he again betook himself to Bevis Marks.
This visit was not intended for Mr Swiveller, but for his friend and employer Mr Sampson Bra.s.s. Both gentlemen however were from home, nor was the life and light of law, Miss Sally, at her post either. The fact of their joint desertion of the office was made known to all comers by a sc.r.a.p of paper in the hand-writing of Mr Swiveller, which was attached to the bell-handle, and which, giving the reader no clue to the time of day when it was first posted, furnished him with the rather vague and unsatisfactory information that that gentleman would "return in an hour."