"Now you will get your feet wet again," said Julia; "and then you will have another sickness; and Mr. Carlisle will be angry."
"Do let Mr. Carlisle"s anger alone!" said Eleanor. "I shall not sit down in wet shoes, so I shall not get hurt. Did you ever see him angry?"
"No," said Julia; "and I am glad he won"t be angry with me?"
In spite of her words, the wet gra.s.s gave Eleanor a disagreeable reminder of what wet gra.s.s had done for her some months before. The remembrance of her sickness came up with the immediate possibility of its returning again; the little feeling of danger and exposure gave power to the things she had just heard. She could not banish them; she recalled freshly the miserable fear and longing of those days when she lay ill and knew not how her illness would turn; the fearful want of a shelter; the comparative littleness of all things under the sun.
Rythdale Priory had not been worth a feather in that day; all the gay pleasures and hopes of the summer could have found no entrance into her heart then. And as she was then, so Eleanor knew herself now--defenceless, if danger came. And the wet gra.s.s into which every footstep plunged said that danger might be at any time very near.
Eleanor wished bitterly that she had not come this walk with Julia. It was strange, how utterly shaken, miserable, forlorn, her innermost spirit felt, at this possible approach of evil to her shelterless head.
And with double force, though they had been forcible at the time, Mr.
Rhys"s words recurred to her--the words that he had spoken half to himself as it were--"Hope thou in G.o.d." Eleanor had heard those words, read by different lips, at different times; they were not new; but the meaning of them had never struck her before. Now for the first time, as she heard the low, sweet, confident utterance of a soul fleeing to its stronghold, of a spirit absolutely secure there, she had an idea of what "hope in G.o.d" meant; and every time she remembered the tones of those words, spoken by failing lips too, it gave a blow to her heart.
There was something she wanted. What else could be precious like that?
And with them belonged in this instance, Eleanor felt, a purity of character till now unimagined. Thoughts and footsteps hurrying along together, they were past the village and far on their way towards home, the two sisters, before much was said between them.
"I wish Mr. Rhys would get well and stay here," said Julia. "It is nice to go to see him, isn"t it, Eleanor? He is so good."
"I don"t know whether it is nice," said Eleanor. "I wish almost I had not gone with you. I have not thought of disagreeable things before in a great while."
"But isn"t he good?"
"Good!" said Eleanor. "He makes me feel as black as night."
"Well, you aren"t black," said Julia, pleased; "and I"ll tell Mr.
Carlisle what you say. He won"t be angry that time."
"Julia!" said Eleanor. "Do if you dare! You shall repeat no words of mine to Mr. Carlisle."
Julia only laughed; and Eleanor hoped that the gentleman would stay in London till her purpose, whatever it might be, was forgotten. He did stay some days; the Lodge had a comparatively quiet time. Perhaps Eleanor missed the constant excitement of the weeks past. She was very restless, and her thoughts would not be diverted from the train into which the visit to Mr. Rhys had thrown them. Obstinately the idea kept before her, that a defence was wanting to her which she had not, and might have. She wanted some security greater than dry shoes could afford. Yea, she could not forget, that beyond that earthly coronet which of necessity must some time fade, she might want something that would endure in the air of eternity. Her musings troubled Eleanor. As Black Maggie did not wait upon her, these days, she ordered up her own little pony, and went off upon long rides by herself. It soothed her to be alone. She let no servant attend her; she took the comfort of good stirring gallops all over the moor; and then when she and the pony were both tired she let him walk and her thoughts take up their train. But it did not do her any good. Eleanor grew only more uneasy from day to day. The more she thought, the deeper her thoughts went; and still the contrast of purity and high Christian hope rose up to shame her own heart and life. Eleanor felt her danger as a sinner; her exposure as guilty; and the insufficiency of all she had or hoped for, to meet future and coming contingencies. So far she got; there she stopped; except that her sense of these things grew more keen and deep day by day; it did not fade out. Friends she had none to help her. She wanted to see Dr. Cairnes and attack him in private and bring him to a point on the subjects which agitated her; but she could not. Dr. Cairnes too was absent from Wiglands at this time; and Eleanor had to think and wait all by herself. She had her Bible, it is true; but she did not know how to consult it. She took care not to go near Mr. Rhys again; though she was sorry to hear through Julia that he was not mending. She wished herself a little girl, to have Julia"s liberty; but she must do without it. And what would Mr. Carlisle say to her thoughts? She must not ask him. He could do nothing with them. She half feared, half wished for his influence to overthrow them.
He came; but Eleanor did not find that he could remove the trouble, the existence of which he did not suspect. His presence did not remove it.
In all her renewed engagements and gaieties, there remained a secret core of discomfort in her heart, whatever she might be about.
They were taking tea one evening, half in and half out of the open window, when Julia came up.
"Mr. Carlisle," said she, "I am going to pay you my forfeit." He had caught her in some game of forfeits the day before. "I am going to give you something you will like very much."
"What can it be, Julia?"
"You don"t believe me. Now you do not deserve to have it. I am going to give you something Eleanor said."
Eleanor"s hand was on her lips immediately, and her voice forbade the promised forfeit; but there were two words to that bargain. Mr.
Carlisle captured the hand and gave a counter order.
"Now you don"t believe me, but you believe Eleanor," said the lawless child. "She said,--she said it when you went away,--that she had not thought of anything disagreeable in a long while!"
Mr. Carlisle looked delighted, as well he might. Eleanor"s temples flushed a painful scarlet.
"Dear me, how interesting these goings away and comings home are, I suppose!" exclaimed Miss Broadus, coming up to the group. "I see! there is no need to say anything. Mr. Carlisle, we are all rejoiced to see you back at Wiglands. Or at the Lodge--for you do not honour Wiglands much, except when I see you riding through it on that beautiful brown horse of yours. The black and the brown; I never saw such a pair. And you do ride! I should think you would be afraid that creature would lose a more precious head than its own."
"I take better care than that, Miss Broadus."
"Well, I suppose you do; though for my part I cannot see how a person on one horse can take care of a person on another horse; it is something I do not understand. I never did ride myself; I suppose that is the reason. Mr. Carlisle, what do you say to this lady riding all alone by herself--without any one to take care of her?"
Mr. Carlisle"s eyes rather opened at this question, as if he did not fully take in the idea.
"She does it--you should see her going by as I did--as straight as a grenadier, and her pony on such a jump! I thought to myself, Mr.
Carlisle is in London, sure enough. But it was a pretty sight to see.
My dear, how sorry we are to miss some one else from our circle, and he did honour us at Wiglands--my sister and me. How sorry I am poor Mr.
Rhys is so ill. Have you heard from him to-day, Eleanor?"
"You should ask Julia, Miss Broadus. Is he much more ill than he was?
Julia hears of him every day, I believe."
"Ah, the children all love him. I see Julia and Alfred going by very often; and the other boys come to see him constantly, I believe. And my dear Eleanor, how kind it was of you to go yourself with something for him! I saw you and Julia go past with your basket--don"t you remember?--that day before the rain; and I said to myself--no, I said to Juliana, some very complimentary things about you. Benevolence has flourished in your absence, Mr. Carlisle. Here was this lady, taking jelly with her own hands to a sick man. Now I call that beautiful."
Mr. Carlisle preferred to make his own compliments; for he did not echo those of the talkative lady.
"But I am afraid he is very ill, my dear," Miss Broadus went on, turning to Eleanor again. "He looked dreadfully when I saw him; and he is so feeble, I think there is very little hope of his life left. I think he has just worked himself to death. But I do not believe, Eleanor, he is any more afraid of death, than I am of going to sleep. I don"t believe he is so much."
Miss Broadus was called off; Mr. Carlisle had left the window; Eleanor sat sadly thinking. The last words had struck a deeper note than all the vexations of Miss Broadus"s previous talk. "No more afraid of death than of going to sleep." Ay! for his head was covered from danger.
Eleanor knew it--saw it--felt it; and felt it to be blessed. Oh how should she make that same covering her own? There was an engagement to spend the next afternoon at the Priory--the whole family. Dr. Cairnes would most probably be there to meet them. Perhaps she might catch or make an opportunity of speaking to him in private and asking him what she wanted to know. Not very likely, but she would try. Dr. Cairnes was her pastor; it ought to be in his power to resolve her difficulties; it must be. At any rate, Eleanor would apply to him and see. She had no one else to apply to. Unless Mr. Rhys would get well. Eleanor wished that might be. _He_ could help her, she knew, without a peradventure.
Mr. Carlisle appeared again, and the musings were banished. He took her hand and put it upon his arm, and drew her out into the lawn. The action was caressingly done; nevertheless Eleanor felt that an inquiry into her behaviour would surely be the next thing. So half shrinking and half rebellious, she suffered herself to be led on into the winding walks of the shrubbery. The evening was delicious; nothing could be more natural or pleasant than sauntering there.
"I am going to have Julia at the Priory to-morrow, as a reward for her good gift to me," was Mr. Carlisle"s opening remark.
"I am sure she does not deserve it," said Eleanor very sincerely.
"What do you deserve?"
"Nothing--in the way of rewards."
Mr. Carlisle did not think so, or else regarded the matter in the light of a reward to himself.
"Have you been good since I have been away?"
"No!" said Eleanor bluntly.
"Do you always speak truth after this fashion?"
"I speak it as you will find it, Mr. Carlisle."
The questions were put between caresses; but in all his manner nevertheless, in kisses and questions alike, there was that indefinable air of calm possession and power, before which Eleanor always felt unable to offer any resistance. He made her now change "Mr. Carlisle"
for a more familiar name, before he would go on. Eleanor felt as a colt may be supposed to feel, which is getting a skilful "breaking in;"
yielding obedience at every step, and at every step secretly wishing to refuse obedience, to refuse which is becoming more and more impossible.
"Haven"t you been a little too good to somebody else, while I have been away?"
"No!" said Eleanor. "I never am."