"Don"t you think, sir," I said that evening at dinner, the subject being reintroduced by my father himself, "that we have some duty towards them when we draw so much from them?"
"Certainly," he said; "I take as much trouble about their drains as I do about my own."
"That is always something, I suppose."
"Something! it is a great deal; it is more than they get anywhere else. I keep them clean, as far as that"s possible. I give them at least the means of keeping clean, and thus check disease, and prolong life, which is more, I a.s.sure you, than they"ve any right to expect."
I was not prepared with arguments as I ought to have been. That is all in the Gospel according to Adam Smith, which my father had been brought up in, but of which the tenets had begun to be less binding in my day. I wanted something more, or else something less; but my views were not so clear, nor my system so logical and well-built, as that upon which my father rested his conscience, and drew his percentage with a light heart.
Yet I thought there were signs in him of some perturbation. I met him one morning coming out of the room in which the portrait hung, as if he had gone to look at it stealthily. He was shaking his head, and saying "No, no," to himself, not perceiving me, and I stepped aside when I saw him so absorbed. For myself, I entered that room but little. I went outside, as I had so often done when I was a child, and looked through the windows into the still and now sacred place, which had always impressed me with a certain awe. Looked at so, the slight figure in its white dress seemed to be stepping down into the room from some slight visionary alt.i.tude, looking with that which had seemed to me at first anxiety, which I sometimes represented to myself now as a wistful curiosity, as if she were looking for the life which might have been hers. Where was the existence that had belonged to her, the sweet household place, the infant she had left? She would no more recognize the man who thus came to look at her as through a veil, with a mystic reverence, than I could recognize her. I could never be her child to her, any more than she could be a mother to me.
Thus time pa.s.sed on for several quiet days. There was nothing to make us give any special heed to the pa.s.sage of time, life being very uneventful and its habits unvaried. My mind was very much preoccupied by my father"s tenants. He had a great deal of property in the town which was so near us,--streets of small houses, the best-paying property (I was a.s.sured) of any. I was very anxious to come to some settled conclusion: on the one hand, not to let myself be carried away by sentiment; on the other, not to allow my strongly roused feelings to fall into the blank of routine, as his had done. I was seated one evening in my own sitting-room, busy with this matter,--busy with calculations as to cost and profit, with an anxious desire to convince him, either that his profits were greater than justice allowed, or that they carried with them a more urgent duty than he had conceived.
It was night, but not late, not more than ten o"clock, the household still astir. Everything was quiet,--not the solemnity of midnight silence, in which there is always something of mystery, but the soft-breathing quiet of the evening, full of the faint habitual sounds of a human dwelling, a consciousness of life about. And I was very busy with my figures, interested, feeling no room in my mind for any other thought.
The singular experience which had startled me so much had pa.s.sed over very quickly, and there had been no return. I had ceased to think of it; indeed, I had never thought of it save for the moment, setting it down after it was over to a physical cause without much difficulty. At this time I was far too busy to have thoughts to spare for anything, or room for imagination; and when suddenly in a moment, without any warning, the first symptom returned, I started with it into determined resistance, resolute not to be fooled by any mock influence which could resolve itself into the action of nerves or ganglions. The first symptom; as before, was that my heart sprang up with a bound, as if a cannon had been fired at my ear. My whole being responded with a start. The pen fell out of my fingers, the figures went out of my head as if all faculty had departed; and yet I was conscious for a time at least of keeping my self-control. I was like the rider of a frightened horse, rendered almost wild by something which in the mystery of its voiceless being it has seen, something on the road which it will not pa.s.s, but wildly plunging, resisting every persuasion, turns from, with ever-increasing pa.s.sion. The rider himself after a time becomes infected with this inexplainable desperation of terror, and I suppose I must have done so; but for a time I kept the upper hand. I would not allow myself to spring up as I wished, as my impulse was, but sat there doggedly, clinging to my books, to my table, fixing myself on I did not mind what, to resist the flood of sensation, of emotion, which was sweeping through me, carrying me away. I tried to continue my calculations. I tried to stir myself up with recollections of the miserable sights I had seen, the poverty, the helplessness. I tried to work myself into indignation; but all through these efforts I felt the contagion growing upon me, my mind falling into sympathy with all those straining faculties of the body, startled, excited, driven wild by something, I knew not what. It was not fear. I was like a ship at sea straining and plunging against wind and tide, but I was not afraid. I am obliged to use these metaphors, otherwise I could give no explanation of my condition, seized upon against my will, and torn from all those moorings of reason to which I clung with desperation, as long as I had the strength.
When I got up from my chair at last, the battle was lost, so far as my powers of self-control were concerned. I got up, or rather was dragged up, from my seat, clutching at these material things round me as with a last effort to hold my own. But that was no longer possible; I was overcome. I stood for a moment looking round me feebly, feeling myself begin to babble with stammering lips, which was the alternative of shrieking, and which I seemed to choose as a lesser evil. What I said was, "What am I to do?" and after a while, "What do you want me to do?"
although throughout I saw no one, heard no voice, and had in reality not power enough in my dizzy and confused brain to know what I myself meant.
I stood thus for a moment, looking blankly round me for guidance, repeating the question, which seemed after a time to become almost mechanical, "What do you want me to do?" though I neither knew to whom I addressed it nor why I said it. Presently--whether in answer, whether in mere yielding of nature, I cannot tell--I became aware of a difference: not a lessening of the agitation, but a softening, as if my powers of resistance being exhausted, a gentler force, a more benignant influence, had room. I felt myself consent to whatever it was. My heart melted in the midst of the tumult; I seemed to give myself up, and move as if drawn by some one whose arm was in mine, as if softly swept along, not forcibly, but with an utter consent of all my faculties to do I knew not what, for love of I knew not whom. For love,--that was how it seemed,--not by force, as when I went before. But my steps took the same course: I went through the dim pa.s.sages in an exaltation indescribable, and opened the door of my father"s room.
He was seated there at his table as usual, the light of the lamp falling on his white hair; he looked up with some surprise at the sound of the opening door. "Phil," he said, and with a look of wondering apprehension on his face, watched my approach. I went straight up to him and put my hand on his shoulder. "Phil, what is the matter? What do you want with me? What is it?" he said.
"Father, I can"t tell you. I come not of myself. There must be something in it, though I don"t know what it is. This is the second time I have been brought to you here."
"Are you going--?" He stopped himself. The exclamation had been begun with an angry intention. He stopped, looking at me with a scared look, as if perhaps it might be true.
"Do you mean mad? I don"t think so. I have no delusions that I know of.
Father, think--do you know any reason why I am brought here? for some cause there must be."
I stood with my hand upon the back of his chair. His table was covered with papers, among which were several letters with the broad black border which I had before observed. I noticed this now in my excitement without any distinct a.s.sociation of thoughts, for that I was not capable of; but the black border caught my eye. And I was conscious that he too gave a hurried glance at them, and with one hand swept them away.
"Philip," he said, pushing back his chair, "you must be ill, my poor boy.
Evidently we have not been treating you rightly; you have been more ill all through than I supposed. Let me persuade you to go to bed."
"I am perfectly well," I said. "Father, don"t let us deceive one another.
I am neither a man to go mad nor to see ghosts. What it is that has got the command over me I can"t tell; but there is some cause for it. You are doing something or planning something with which I have a right to interfere."
He turned round squarely in his chair, with a spark in his blue eyes.
He was not a man to be meddled with. "I have yet to learn what can give my son a right to interfere. I am in possession of all my faculties, I hope."
"Father," I cried, "won"t you listen to me? No one can say I have been undutiful or disrespectful. I am a man, with a right to speak my mind, and I have done so; but this is different. I am not here by my own will.
Something that is stronger than I has brought me. There is something in your mind which disturbs--others. I don"t know what I am saying. This is not what I meant to say; but you know the meaning better than I. Some one--who can speak to you only by me--speaks to you by me; and I know that you understand."
He gazed up at me, growing pale, and his underlip fell. I, for my part, felt that my message was delivered. My heart sank into a stillness so sudden that it made me faint. The light swam in my eyes; everything went round with me. I kept upright only by my hold upon the chair; and in the sense of utter weakness that followed, I dropped on my knees I think first, then on the nearest seat that presented itself, and, covering my face with my hands, had hard ado not to sob, in the sudden removal of that strange influence,--the relaxation of the strain.
There was silence between us for some time; then he said, but with a voice slightly broken, "I don"t understand you, Phil. You must have taken some fancy into your mind which my slower intelligence--Speak out what you want to say. What do you find fault with? Is it all--all that woman Jordan?"
He gave a short, forced laugh as he broke off, and shook me almost roughly by the shoulder, saying, "Speak out! what--what do you want to say?"
"It seems, sir, that I have said everything." My voice trembled more than his, but not in the same way. "I have told you that I did not come by my own will,--quite otherwise. I resisted as long as I could: now all is said. It is for you to judge whether it was worth the trouble or not."
He got up from his seat in a hurried way. "You would have me as--mad as yourself," he said, then sat down again as quickly. "Come, Phil: if it will please you, not to make a breach,--the first breach between us,--you shall have your way. I consent to your looking into that matter about the poor tenants. Your mind shall not be upset about that, even though I don"t enter into all your views."
"Thank you," I said; "but, father, that is not what it is."
"Then it is a piece of folly," he said angrily. "I suppose you mean--but this is a matter in which I choose to judge for myself."
"You know what I mean," I said, as quietly as I could, "though I don"t myself know; that proves there is good reason for it. Will you do one thing for me before I leave you? Come with me into the drawing-room--"
"What end," he said, with again the tremble in his voice, "is to be served by that?"
"I don"t very well know; but to look at her, you and I together, will always do something for us, sir. As for breach, there can be no breach when we stand there."
He got up, trembling like an old man, which he was, but which he never looked like save at moments of emotion like this, and told me to take the light; then stopped when he had got half-way across the room. "This is a piece of theatrical sentimentality," he said. "No, Phil, I will not go. I will not bring her into any such--Put down the lamp, and, if you will take my advice, go to bed."
"At least," I said, "I will trouble you no more, father, to-night. So long as you understand, there need be no more to say."
He gave me a very curt "good-night," and turned back to his papers,--the letters with the black edge, either by my imagination or in reality, always keeping uppermost. I went to my own room for my lamp, and then alone proceeded to the silent shrine in which the portrait hung. I at least would look at her to-night. I don"t know whether I asked myself, in so many words, if it were she who--or if it was any one--I knew nothing; but my heart was drawn with a softness--born, perhaps, of the great weakness in which I was left after that visitation--to her, to look at her, to see, perhaps, if there was any sympathy, any approval in her face. I set down my lamp on the table where her little work-basket still was; the light threw a gleam upward upon her,--she seemed more than ever to be stepping into the room, coming down towards me, coming back to her life. Ah, no! her life was lost and vanished: all mine stood between her and the days she knew. She looked at me with eyes that did not change.
The anxiety I had seen at first seemed now a wistful, subdued question; but that difference was not in her look but in mine.
I need not linger on the intervening time. The doctor who attended us usually, came in next day "by accident," and we had a long conversation.
On the following day a very impressive yet genial gentleman from town lunched with us,--a friend of my father"s, Dr. Something; but the introduction was hurried, and I did not catch his name. He, too, had a long talk with me afterwards, my father being called away to speak to some one on business. Dr.---- drew me out on the subject of the dwellings of the poor. He said he heard I took great interest in this question, which had come so much to the front at the present moment. He was interested in it too, and wanted to know the view I took. I explained at considerable length that my view did not concern the general subject, on which I had scarcely thought, so much as the individual mode of management of my father"s estate. He was a most patient and intelligent listener, agreeing with me on some points, differing in others; and his visit was very pleasant. I had no idea until after of its special object; though a certain puzzled look and slight shake of the head when my father returned, might have thrown some light upon it. The report of the medical experts in my case must, however, have been quite satisfactory, for I heard nothing more of them. It was, I think, a fortnight later when the next and last of these strange experiences came.
This time it was morning, about noon,--a wet and rather dismal spring day. The half-spread leaves seemed to tap at the window, with an appeal to be taken in; the primroses, that showed golden upon the gra.s.s at the roots of the trees, just beyond the smooth-shorn gra.s.s of the lawn, were all drooped and sodden among their sheltering leaves. The very growth seemed dreary--the sense of spring in the air making the feeling of winter a grievance, instead of the natural effect which it had conveyed a few months before. I had been writing letters, and was cheerful enough, going back among the a.s.sociates of my old life, with, perhaps, a little longing for its freedom and independence, but at the same time a not ungrateful consciousness that for the moment my present tranquillity might be best.
This was my condition--a not unpleasant one--when suddenly the now well-known symptoms of the visitation to which I had become subject suddenly seized upon me,--the leap of the heart; the sudden, causeless, overwhelming physical excitement, which I could neither ignore nor allay.
I was terrified beyond description, beyond reason, when I became conscious that this was about to begin over again: what purpose did it answer; what good was in it? My father indeed understood the meaning of it though I did not understand; but it was little agreeable to be thus made a helpless instrument, without any will of mine, in an operation of which I knew nothing; and to enact the part of the oracle unwillingly, with suffering and such a strain as it took me days to get over. I resisted, not as before, but yet desperately, trying with better knowledge to keep down the growing pa.s.sion. I hurried to my room and swallowed a dose of a sedative which had been given me to procure sleep on my first return from India. I saw Morphew in the hall, and called him to talk to him, and cheat myself, if possible, by that means. Morphew lingered, however, and, before he came, I was beyond conversation. I heard him speak, his voice coming vaguely through the turmoil which was already in my ears, but what he said I have never known. I stood staring, trying to recover my power of attention, with an aspect which ended by completely frightening the man. He cried out at last that he was sure I was ill, that he must bring me something; which words penetrated more or less into my maddened brain. It became impressed upon me that he was going to get some one--one of my father"s doctors, perhaps--to prevent me from acting, to stop my interference, and that if I waited a moment longer I might be too late. A vague idea seized me at the same time, of taking refuge with the portrait,--going to its feet, throwing myself there, perhaps, till the paroxysm should be over. But it was not there that my footsteps were directed. I can remember making an effort to open the door of the drawing-room, and feeling myself swept past it, as if by a gale of wind. It was not there that I had to go. I knew very well where I had to go,--once more on my confused and voiceless mission to my father, who understood, although I could not understand.
Yet as it was daylight, and all was clear, I could not help noting one or two circ.u.mstances on my way. I saw some one sitting in the hall as if waiting,--a woman, a girl, a black-shrouded figure, with a thick veil over her face; and asked myself who she was, and what she wanted there.
This question, which had nothing to do with my present condition, somehow got into my mind, and was tossed up and down upon the tumultuous tide like a stray log on the breast of a fiercely rolling stream, now submerged, now coming uppermost, at the mercy of the waters. It did not stop me for a moment, as I hurried towards my father"s room, but it got upon the current of my mind. I flung open my father"s door, and closed it again after me, without seeing who was there or how he was engaged. The full clearness of the daylight did not identify him as the lamp did at night. He looked up at the sound of the door, with a glance of apprehension; and rising suddenly, interrupting some one who was standing speaking to him with much earnestness and even vehemence, came forward to meet me. "I cannot be disturbed at present," he said quickly; "I am busy." Then seeing the look in my face, which by this time he knew, he too changed color. "Phil," he said, in a low, imperative voice, "wretched boy, go away--go away; don"t let a stranger see you--"
"I can"t go away," I said. "It is impossible. You know why I have come. I cannot, if I would. It is more powerful than I--"
"Go, sir," he said; "go at once; no more of this folly. I will not have you in this room: Go-go!"
I made no answer. I don"t know that I could have done so. There had never been any struggle between us before; but I had no power to do one thing or another. The tumult within me was in full career. I heard indeed what he said, and was able to reply; but his words, too, were like straws tossed upon the tremendous stream. I saw now with my feverish eyes who the other person present was. It was a woman, dressed also in mourning similar to the one in the hall; but this a middle-aged woman, like a respectable servant. She had been crying, and in the pause caused by this encounter between my father and myself, dried her eyes with a handkerchief, which she rolled like a ball in her hand, evidently in strong emotion. She turned and looked at me as my father spoke to me, for a moment with a gleam of hope, then falling back into her former att.i.tude.
My father returned to his seat. He was much agitated too, though doing all that was possible to conceal it. My inopportune arrival was evidently a great and unlooked-for vexation to him. He gave me the only look of pa.s.sionate displeasure I have ever had from him, as he sat down again; but he said nothing more.
"You must understand," he said, addressing the woman, "that I have said my last words on this subject. I don"t choose to enter into it again in the presence of my son, who is not well enough to be made a party to any discussion. I am sorry that you should have had so much trouble in vain, but you were warned beforehand, and you have only yourself to blame. I acknowledge no claim, and nothing you can say will change my resolution.
I must beg you to go away. All this is very painful and quite useless. I acknowledge no claim."
"Oh, sir," she cried, her eyes beginning once more to flow, her speech interrupted by little sobs. "Maybe I did wrong to speak of a claim. I"m not educated to argue with a gentleman. Maybe we have no claim. But if it"s not by right, oh, Mr. Canning, won"t you let your heart be touched by pity? She don"t know what I"m saying, poor dear. She"s not one to beg and pray for herself, as I"m doing for her. Oh, sir, she"s so young!
She"s so lone in this world,--not a friend to stand by her, nor a house to take her in! You are the nearest to her of any one that"s left in this world. She hasn"t a relation,--not one so near as you,--oh!" she cried, with a sudden thought, turning quickly round upon me, "this gentleman"s your son! Now I think of it, it"s not your relation she is, but his, through his mother! That"s nearer, nearer! Oh, sir! you"re young; your heart should be more tender. Here is my young lady that has no one in the world to look to her. Your own flesh and blood; your mother"s cousin,--your mother"s--"