The Paladin Order Reformed

That was the worst part, not the initial shock of losing them, but trying to find them and realizing that they"re gone forever leaving a desolate feeling in my heart. I thought I was prepared for losing friends, its something that Sir Richard knew would happen and tried to ready me for, but I never thought it would feel like this. I sat near the coals of the now-empty campfire. The memories of them wandered through my mind, I sat there in silence staring into the pit of the fire, I didn"t have the strength to cry, I just felt so empty. Like I lost pieces to myself that I never knew I had, ones I don"t know how to go on without.

At some point, I went back into my tent and laid down. I didn"t get up for some time, I don"t know how long I laid there, but I only got up to satisfy my body"s needs. Days went by and I was stuck in a state of complete depression, It felt like I cried until I couldn"t cry anymore, that hollow feeling was the only thing I could feel for however long I laid there trapped with my own thoughts.

Eventually Jake entered into my tent, he spoke to me, but his voice couldn"t break through the void of nothingness that filled my mind. His lips moved, but I didn"t bother making out the words. Fed up, he grabbed me by the shirt and yelled at me, breaking through the haze.

"Christian, answer me! What happened? Where is everyone?" Even as he asked I could see he already knew the answer in his eyes, he just feared hearing the answer.

I grabbed his arm and looked at him with my dead eyes. "They"re dead, they all died. They died because of me."

He let go of my shirt and took a step back. "My G.o.d... Christian... What happened? Surely it wasn"t your fault." He said trying to convince himself as well.

I looked down at the ground and screamed. "IT WAS!! I KILLED THEM!!" I breathed heavily, my rage and their memory exhausting me. "We went to recapture a village to the east, it was supposed to be easy. We took out all but one, he ran and I pursued him. Then I heard Rachel"s scream and when I got back, they were all dead."

I looked up with glazed eyes. "Do you know how mangled their bodies were? They were killed in such terrible ways... I wasn"t there for them when they needed it most." I said quietly, almost inaudibly. "I failed them."

"Look at me Christian, it wasn"t your fault. You did what you had to do, you don"t have to blame yourself for what happened." He said desperately.

In anger, I stepped closer. "Then who"s fault was it, Jake! I was the one who was leading them, I"m the one who left them. I led my own men to their death, I should have waited for reinforcements to get there, but I didn"t. I let a single demon lead me away from my squad, an obvious ploy, but I didn"t even realize it. I studied for years, I"ve learned about tactics from countless battles, but I let one stupid mistake cost my friends their lives."

Jake got closer matching my tone. "You don"t think I don"t want to blame you! Our friends are dead, the first people that have ever accepted me for who I was." He looked me in the eyes with, his own ablaze.

"Shut up! You think you"re special because you"ve lost someone, I"ve lost friends before too. I"ve got friends and acquaintances killed because of a stupid mistake, you know what you do?

You get up and keep living because they"re not going to get that chance. You live for them, you get all that Christian? Quit being selfish and think about them for a minute, you think they"d want you to lay in your bed waiting to die? No, so shut your mouth and own up to what you"ve done by keep going."

What came next happened before I could control myself, I start laughing maniacally saying.

"You don"t get it, I saw what they did to them, how those demons ended their lives. It wasn"t quick or painless, I saw what they did to each one of them. Do you know what I did to those demons? I repaid the favor, I used the same weapons they used, and brutally killed each one of them. I repaid them 25x over, and now there are 100 families somewhere on the demon continent that"ll feel the same emptiness I do.

You can say you killed any number of soldiers to someone and it not mean anything to them, but I heard their screams, each one of them.

They haunt my dreams, the screams of being melted alive, or desperate screams for help as I hunted them down, sometimes when it"s quiet I hear the gurgling of someone choking on their own blood. I"m just as much as a monster as they were, but when I saw the sunrise as I was covered in blood, that was the moment my dream died.

I realized that I wasn"t the knight of honor I dreamed to be, I would never be. I avenged my friends, but at what cost?"

Jake grabbed my shirt again and punched me in my face. A thin stream of blood began to trickle from my nose, I stood there stunned. In rage, I raised my fist to return a strike, but Jake"s stern expression stopped me.

"Listen to the c.r.a.p your spouting, do you not understand what war is? Killing those demons meant that you prevented others from suffering the same fate." A tear rolled down jake"s cheek. He quickly wiped it away, trying to hide his momentary slip of composure.

"We knew what it meant to go to war, you accept that fact when you sign up. We can"t help that they"re gone, there"s nothing we can do to change that, but we can avenge them and keep it from happening again.

Please, Christian, don"t blame yourself. I"ve been down that path, it almost destroyed me and the ones I had left. I can"t tell you that it won"t hurt, you"ll always miss them, but eventually, you"ll be able to live on. Use this chance you have and make your life worth living, make this a good place. Make it a place where things like that don"t happen."

I began to feel my emptiness lessen, but my fury still burned brightly. Maybe Jake was right, I can"t live like this. I don"t know how I"ll live, but I"ve got to do something else than wanting to die.

I looked at Jake and just nodded, Jake smiled and turned towards the canvas door saying.

"Great, let"s go talk to Lt. May and see if there are any squads that need a leader and an extra member." Before he could leave I grabbed his arm and said.

"No, not for you. I"m not going to lose you too, you"re a free man remember. I"ll talk to the commander and get you honorably discharged, then you can go back to my home town and live with your mother and sister."

Jake looked at me like I was insane and laughed while saying. "Christian, quit joking around. There"s no way I"ll leave you, you know that right? So come on, let"s go." He tried to leave, but my grip held firm.

"I"m serious Jake, I"m not losing you. I need you to go there, I"m not asking." I said seriously.

He rips his arm out of my grip and said. "Christian, I"m not leaving you alone. You may think you"re strong, but you still need someone to watch your back. There"s no way that you"ll convince me otherwise."

He started to walk out again until he saw my pleading, desperate expression. "Please Jake, you and Sir Richard are the only ones I have left. I need someone to watch out for him, there was something that happened that still worries me today. Something could happen to him and no one would know anything was coming. Anyway, don"t you want to make up missed time with your sister and mother."

He nodded, still unconvinced. I pushed. "If Sir Richard died I wouldn"t be able to live on, I need him jake, please."

He sighed reluctantly. "Fine, but I"m not doing it for Sir Richard, I"m only doing it so I can finally spend time with my sister. Got that?"

I smiled earnestly. "Thanks, Jake, I knew I could trust you."

He smiled playfully. "If I didn"t know better, I"d say you"re just trying to get rid of me. But I forgive you."

I punched his shoulder. "There"s that humor I"ll miss." It wasn"t a lie, I will miss it, and him. It takes everything to ask him to do this, but I can"t let him die. His family needs him, I need him, I can"t let him die. I don"t need to put anyone else at risk, I can handle it all alone.