"Yes, she definitely drank from it," she agreed, changing tack. "Though I don"t see what the big deal is."
I considered the implications of this last statement, considered it, that is, within the context of our relationship. Julia and I had been together for two years, not a lifetime, granted, but it was, I believed, a sufficient length of time. She knew things about me: that I could not tolerate the smell of fish in the morning; that I felt suffocated at being told the details of other people"s bodily functions; that I abhorred public nose picking, both the studied sort in which some of my students engaged as well as the fast poking at which I always seemed to catch people on buses or in line. Then, too, there was the matter of what she jokingly referred to as "the zones," which, simply put, are the areas of the body that I do not care to have touched nor to see touched on others nor, quite frankly, to even hear discussed. During my last checkup just before we left for Malaysia, my doctor nonchalantly pressed her hands to my abdomen, coming far too close to my navel, which, along with my neck, is a primary zone.
"Could you please not brush against my navel?" I had said, perhaps a bit sharply.
"Your navel?" she replied, pulling back as though I had accused her of biting.
"Yes," I said. "It unsettles me." I felt that "unsettles" was a perfectly appropriate word for the situation, precise enough in connotation to convey my displeasure but cryptic enough to save me from feeling foolish, a.s.suming that she had the good manners not to press the issue, which she did not.
"How strange," she replied, pausing to regard me. Then, her hands drawn to her own navel, she began to ma.s.sage it. "The navel, you know, is the final remaining symbol of our connection to our mothers, a reminder of our past dependence." Her rubbing intensified, and I suspected that she might be newly pregnant.
"Please," I said stiffly. "I would prefer that you not touch your navel in my presence. In fact, I would prefer that we not even discuss navels."
When I arrived home that afternoon, I told Julia about the encounter, huffily, in a way that suggested that the doctor had been intentionally trying to goad me. She had been sympathetic, but that night at dinner, she had tentatively broached the subject again, her tone suggesting that she found my reaction perplexing, even perturbing, and though I concealed my dismay, I could not help but recall the early days of our relationship, when she had stroked my brow encouragingly as I related the story of the wood tick that had worked its way deep into my navel when I was eight.
"The big deal," I replied, speaking loudly, which Julia hates. "The big deal is that this is my juice." That night, as I lay in bed, Julia asleep next to me, it occurred to me that I did not even know whether the juice had come with sugar or without.
The following Sat.u.r.day, Julia and I encountered Shah on the footbridge. I was surprised to see him there, though not surprised at what his presence meant. He was wearing a pair of large white pants that flapped like sails in the evening breeze and, as usual, a purple shirt. As we pa.s.sed him, he looked away, thus acknowledging my presence, and I, in deference to his wishes as well as bridge etiquette, said nothing.
"Poor fellow," Julia remarked as we descended the steps at the other end.
"It does not justify his behavior," I said vehemently, for I sensed something in her tone, particularly in her use of the word "fellow," which made Shah seem hapless, free of guile.
The next morning, Sunday, we were awakened early by the sounds of screaming, and when we dressed quickly and stepped out of our apartment, we found our neighbors gathered on the walkway outside, pressed against the railing that curved around the courtyard like theater patrons looking down from their box seats. As we wiggled our way in next to them, we saw that all around Nine-Story Building the tenants stood in similar rows, everyone peering downward at where a body lay in the courtyard below, face down, arms out, like a doll flung aside by a bored child.
"But this is becoming too much," complained our neighbor Prahkash. "Why must they always come here to do themselves in? I pay the rent, not they. We should begin charging admission." He spit over the rail, and I watched the drop fall and disappear.
The next day, we read in the newspaper that the victim was a Chinese man in his late forties who had just returned from a gambling trip to Australia, where he had lost fifty thousand dollars, a sum of money that it had taken his family five years to save. They were preparing to start a business, a karaoke restaurant, and the man, impatient to begin, had flown to Sydney, lost everything at the blackjack tables, and returned to Malaysia broke, taking a taxi from the airport in Kuala Lumpur back to Malacca. He was dropped at the night market, where he drank a cup of coffee at one of the stalls, leaving the suitcase behind when he departed. After seeing the man"s picture in the paper the next day, the stall owner had announced that he had the man"s suitcase, the suitcase that had, presumably, been used to tote the fifty thousand dollars on its one-way journey. The story of the abandoned suitcase had appeared as a separate article, next to a picture of the stall owner holding it aloft.
"Did you see the suitcase in the newspaper?" a neighbor inquired several days later as Julia and I pa.s.sed her in the hall.
"Yes. The poor man," I replied sourly. "Misplaced his suitcase as well."
She paused and then, not unkindly, said, "Ours is the only building tall enough. It can"t be helped, you see." She was trying to prepare me, letting me know that this was not an anomaly, but perhaps I looked puzzled or in need of further convincing, for she said it again, with the same air of resignation that tenants used to discuss the smell of urine in the elevator: ours was the only building tall enough-she paused-tall enough to ensure success. That was the word she used-success-from which I understood that somebody who jumped and lived would also have to suffer the humiliation of failure.
Julia said nothing during this exchange, but after we closed our door, she turned to me angrily and said, "Why do you have to act that way?"
"What way?" I asked, feigning innocence.
"Like you"re the only one who cares what happened to that man. Like she"s a jerk for even talking about him."
"She was not talking about him," I replied. "She was talking about his suitcase."
"People are never just talking about a suitcase," Julia said quietly.
That night, she did not come into our bedroom to sleep, which was fine with me as I found sleeping alone preferable in the tropical heat, though I had not mentioned this to Julia because it seemed imprudent to discuss anything related to our bed at that particular moment. There is a term that lesbians use-bed death-to describe what had already begun happening long before Julia took the bigger step of physically removing herself from our bed. In fact, at the risk of sounding confessional, a tendency that I despise, we had not actually touched since the afternoon that we bathed together at the seedy hotel. That this kind of thing occurred with enough frequency among lesbians to have acquired its own terminology in no way made me feel better. If anything, it made me feel worse, for I dislike contributing in any way to the affirmation of stereotypes.
Then, on the second Friday after she stopped sleeping in our bed, an arrangement that had continued without discussion, I was returning from Mahkota Parade with groceries when I ran into three students. "We saw Miss Julia at the bus station," announced Paul, an amiable boy with a slightly misshapen head. This happened often, people reporting to us on the other"s activities, even on our own, as though we may have forgotten that we had eaten barbecued eel at a stall near the water the night before.
"Oh?" I replied, striving for a nonchalant "oh" rather than one that indicated surprise or begged for elaboration.
"Is she going back?" Paul asked, by which he meant leaving.
"Yes," I said without hesitation, knowing it to be true, for, as Paul spoke, I had the sense that I was simply being reminded of something that had already happened.
Her clothing and computer were gone, but so, too, were the smaller, everyday pieces of her life: the earplugs she kept beneath her pillow, the biography of Indira Gandhi that she was halfway through, the photo of her great-grandmother Ragnilde with her long hair puddled on the floor. In fact, their absence hurt more, for it suggested a plan, a methodical progression toward that moment when she boarded the bus with her carefully packed bags, leaving nothing behind-not even, it turned out, a note, which meant that she left without any sort of good-bye, that she had considered the silence that reigned between us those last few weeks a sufficient coda. I sat on the bed and tried to determine the exact moment her decision had been made, when she had thought to herself, "Enough," but I could not, for it seemed to me a bit like trying to pinpoint the exact sip with which one had become drunk.
Eventually-hours later, I suppose, for it had grown dark outside-I realized that I was hungry and, with no desire to cook the food that I had purchased for the two of us that afternoon, decided to visit our favorite stall, where we had often whiled away the cool evenings eating noodles and potato leaves and, occasionally, a few orders of dim sum. I knew, also, that the owner would ask about Julia"s absence and that this would afford me the opportunity to begin adjusting to the question and perfecting a response.
Checking that I had money and keys, both of which were Julia"s domain, I locked our apartment door, but as I turned toward the stairwell out of habit, I felt a heaviness in my legs and considered taking the elevator. If Julia had been there, she would have said, "We are not taking the elevator," and I would have felt obligated to make a small stand in favor of it, but Julia was not there, which meant that the decision was mine: if I took the stairs, it would be as though Julia still held sway, but if I took the elevator, it would seem too deliberate, a reaction against her, particularly as I hated the elevator as much as she. As I stood debating in the poorly lit doorway of the stairwell, there came from farther up the stairs a heavy thudding sound. I imagined some large, hungry beast making its way down the steps toward me, for boundaries between inside and out did not always exist there, and I shrank back, prepared to flee.
A moment later, Shah appeared, lumbering onto the landing where I stood. My first, naive reaction was to wonder whom he had been visiting there in Nine-Story Building, and my next, to marvel that he, whose body literally reeked of lethargy, had chosen the stairs. He paused on the landing, catching his breath in wet, heaving gasps, and then turned, looking back over his shoulder like a hunted creature. His face was streaked with tears and snot and displayed neither the coyness nor the mocking obsequiousness that I had come to expect; even his jowls, those quivering, disdainful jowls, sagged more than usual. In that instant, of course, I understood what had brought Shah to Nine-Story Building, the realization crashing down on me with all the weight of Shah himself. From my hiding place, I looked on as he removed a large, dirty handkerchief from his pocket and cleaned his face. Then, keeping a distance between us, I followed him down the four flights of stairs and out onto the busy night street. Julia would have insisted on something more, but Julia was no longer there, so I watched Shah shuffle off down the sidewalk before I turned in the opposite direction, joining the flow of people exhausted from being out in the world all day who were finally heading home to their beds.
Brian Evenson.
Windeye.
They lived, when he was growing up, in a simple house, an old bungalow with a converted attic and sides covered in cedar shake. In the back, where an oak thrust its branches over the roof, the shake was light brown, almost honey. In the front, where the sun struck it full, it had weathered to a pale gray, like a dirty bone. There, the shingles were brittle, thinned by sun and rain, and if you were careful you could slip your fingers up behind some of them. Or at least his sister could. He was older and his fingers were thicker, so he could not.
Looking back on it, many years later, he often thought it had started with that, with her carefully working her fingers up under a shingle as he waited and watched to see if it would crack. That was one of his earliest memories of his sister, if not the earliest.
His sister would turn around and smile, her hand gone to knuckles, and say, "I feel something. What am I feeling?" And then he would ask questions. Is it smooth? he might ask. Does it feel rough? Scaly? Is it cold-blooded or warm-blooded? Does it feel red? Does it feel like its claws are in or out? Can you feel its eye move? He would keep on, watching the expression on her face change as she tried to make his words into a living, breathing thing, until it started to feel too real for her and, half-giggling, half-screaming, she whipped her hand free.
There were other things they did, other ways they tortured each other, things they both loved and feared. Their mother didn"t know anything about it, or if she did she didn"t care. One of them would shut the other into the toy chest and then pretend to leave the room, waiting there silently until the one in the toy chest couldn"t stand it any longer and started to yell. That was a hard game for him because he was afraid of the dark, but he tried not to show that to his sister. Or one of them would wrap the other tight in blankets, and then the trapped one would have to break free. Why they had liked it, why they had done it, he had a hard time remembering later, once he was grown. But they had liked it, or at least he had liked it-there was no denying that-and he had done it. No denying that either.
So at first those games, if they were games, and then, later, something else, something worse, something decisive. What was it again? Why was it hard, now that he had grown, to remember? What was it called? Oh, yes, Windeye.
How had it begun? And when? A few years later, when the house started to change for him, when he went from thinking about each bit and piece of it as a separate thing and started thinking of it as a house. His sister was still coming up close, entranced by the gap between shingle and wall, intrigued by the twist and curve of a crack in the concrete steps. It was not that she didn"t know that there was a house, only that the smaller bits were more important than the whole. For him, though, it had begun to be the reverse.
So he began to step back, to move back in the yard far enough away to take the whole house in at once. His sister would give him a quizzical look and try to coax him in closer, to get him involved in something small. For a while, he"d play to her level, narrate to her what the surface she was touching or the shadow she was glimpsing might mean, so she could pretend. But over time he drifted out again. There was something about the house, the house as a whole, that troubled him. But why? Wasn"t it just like any house?
His sister, he saw, was standing beside him, staring at him. He tried to explain it to her, tried to put a finger on what fascinated him. This house, he told her. It"s a little different. There"s something about it ... But he saw, from the way she looked at him, that she thought it was a game, that he was making it up.
"What are you seeing?" she asked, with a grin.
Why not? he thought. Why not make it a game?
"What are you seeing?" he asked her.
Her grin faltered a little but she stopped staring at him and stared at the house.
"I see a house," she said.
"Is there something wrong with it?" he prompted.
She nodded, then looked to him for approval.
"What"s wrong?" he asked.
Her brow tightened like a fist. "I don"t know," she finally said. "The window?"
"What about the window?"
"I want you to do it," she said. "It"s more fun."
He sighed, and then pretended to think. "Something wrong with the window," he said. "Or not the window exactly but the number of windows." She was smiling, waiting. "The problem is the number of windows. There"s one more window on the outside than on the inside."
He covered his mouth with his hand. She was smiling and nodding, but he couldn"t go on with the game. Because, yes, that was exactly the problem, there was one more window on the outside than on the inside. That, he knew, was what he"d been trying to see.
But he had to make sure. He had his sister move from room to room in the house, waving to him from each window. The ground floor was all right, he saw her each time. But in the converted attic, just shy of the corner, there was a window at which she never appeared.
It was small and round, probably only a foot and a half in diameter. The gla.s.s was dark and wavery. It was held in place by a strip of metal about as thick as his finger, giving the whole of the circ.u.mference a dull, leaden rim.
He went inside and climbed the stairs, looking for the window himself, but it simply wasn"t there. But when he went back outside, there it was.
For a time, it felt like he had brought the problem to life himself by stating it, that if he hadn"t said anything the half window wouldn"t be there. Was that possible? He didn"t think so, that wasn"t the way the world worked. But even later, once he was grown, he still found himself wondering sometimes if it was his fault, if it was something he had done. Or rather, said.
Staring up at the half window, he remembered a story his grandmother had told him, back when he was very young, just three or four, just after his father had left and just before his sister was born. Well, he didn"t remember it exactly, but he remembered it had to do with windows. Where she came from, his grandmother said, they used to be called not windows but something else. He couldn"t remember the word, but remembered that it started with a v. She had said the word and then had asked, Do you know what this means? He shook his head. She repeated the word, slower this time.
"This first part," she had said, "it means "wind." This second part, it means "eye." " She looked it him with her own pale, steady eye. "It is important to know that a window can be instead a windeye."
So he and his sister called it that, windeye. It was, he told her, how the wind looked into the house and so was not a window at all. So of course they couldn"t look out of it; it was not a window at all, but a windeye.
He was worried she was going to ask questions, but she didn"t. And then they went into the house to look again, to make sure it wasn"t a window after all. But it still wasn"t there on the inside.
Then they decided to get a closer look. They had figured out what window was nearest to it and opened that and leaned out of it. There it was. If they leaned far enough, they could see it and almost touch it.
"I could reach it," his sister said. "If I stand on the sill and you hold my legs, I could lean out and touch it."
"No," he started to say, but, fearless, she had already clambered onto the sill and was leaning out. He wrapped his arms around her legs to keep her from falling. He was just about to pull her back and inside when she leaned further and he saw her finger touch the windeye. And then it was as if she had dissolved into smoke and been sucked into the windeye. She was gone.
It took him a long time to find his mother. She was not inside the house, nor was she outside in the yard. He tried the house next door, the Jorgensens, and then the Allreds, then the Dunfords. She wasn"t anywhere. So he ran back home, breathless, and somehow his mother was there now, lying on the couch, reading.
"What"s wrong?" she asked.
He tried to explain it as best he could. Who? she asked at first and then said, Slow down and tell it again, and then, But who do you mean? And then, once he"d explained again, with an odd smile: "But you don"t have a sister."
But of course he had a sister. How could his mother have forgotten? What was wrong? He tried to describe her, to explain what she looked like, but his mother just kept shaking her head.
"No," she said firmly. "You don"t have a sister. You never had one. Stop pretending. What"s this really about?"
Which made him feel that he should hold himself very still, that he should be very careful about what he said, that if he breathed wrong more parts of the world would disappear.
After talking and talking, he tried to get his mother to come out and look at the windeye.
"Window, you mean," she said, voice rising.
"No," he said, beginning to grow hysterical as well. "Not window. Windeye." And then he had her by the hand and was tugging her to the door. But no, that was wrong too, because no matter what window he pointed at she could tell him where it was in the house. The windeye, just like his sister, was no longer there.
But he kept insisting it had been there, kept insisting too that he had a sister.
And that was when the trouble really started.
Over the years there were moments when he was almost convinced, moments when he almost began to think-and perhaps even did think for weeks or months at a time-that he never had a sister. It would have been easier to think this than to think she had been alive and then, perhaps partly because of him, not alive. Being not alive wasn"t like being dead, he felt: it was much, much worse. There were years too when he simply didn"t choose, when he saw her as both real and make-believe and sometimes neither of those things. But in the end what made him keep believing in her-despite the line of doctors that visited him as a child, despite the rift it made between him and his mother, despite years of forced treatment and various drugs that made him feel like his head had been filled with wet sand, despite years of having to pretend to be cured-was simply this: he was the only one who believed his sister was real. If he stopped believing, what hope would there be for her?
Thus he found himself, even when his mother was dead and gone and he himself was old and alone, brooding on his sister, wondering what had become of her. He wondered if one day she would simply reappear, young as ever, ready to continue with the games they had played. Maybe she would simply suddenly be there again, her tiny fingers worked up behind a shingle, staring expectantly at him, waiting for him to tell her what she was feeling, to make up words for what was pressed there between the house and its skin, lying in wait.
"What is it?" he would say in a hoa.r.s.e voice, leaning on his cane.
"I feel something," she would say. "What am I feeling?"
And he would set about describing it. Did it feel red? Did it feel warm-blooded or cold? Was it round? Was it smooth like gla.s.s? All the while, he knew, he would be thinking not about what he was saying but about the wind at his back. If he turned around, he would be wondering, would he find the wind"s strange baleful eye staring at him?
That wasn"t much, but it was the best he could hope for. Chances were he wouldn"t get even that. Chances were there would be no sister, no wind. Chances were that he"d be stuck with the life he was living now, just as it was, until the day when he was either dead or not living himself.
Lynn Freed.
Sunshine.
They told Grace they"d found her curled into a nest of leaves, that since dawn they"d been following a strange spoor through the bush, and then, just as they"d begun to smell her, there she was, staring up at them through a cloud of iridescent flies.
They peered through the mottled gloom. Flies were cl.u.s.tered on her nose and eyes and mouth, and yet she didn"t move, didn"t even blink. "It"s dead," said one of them, stretching out a stick to prod her.
That"s when she sprang, scattering the flies and baring all her teeth in a dreadful high-pitched screech. They leapt back, reaching for their knives. She was up on her haunches now, biting at the air between them with her jagged teeth. But with the leaves and flies swirling, and her furious, wild hair, it took some time before they understood that it was a girl raging before them, just a girl.
"Hau!" they whispered, and they lowered their knives. She was skinny as a stick-filthy and naked, and the nest smelled foul. One of the men dug into his pocket for some nuts. "Me," he said, holding them out to her, "Me."
She lifted her chin, trying to sniff at the air. But her nose was swollen and b.l.o.o.d.y, one arm hung limp at her side.
"It will be easy to catch her," the older man said. "How do we know the Master won"t pay? Even half?"
Julian de Jong stormed out into the midday sun. "What on earth"s the matter out here, Grace?" he said. "Why"ve you locked the dogs away?"