First: After looking at the Ivy entries in both Grolier"s and Collier"s Encyclopedias, plus the photos in Floyd"s college botany book, I am prepared to say that Zenith does not look like any of the ivies pictured there. Encyclopedias, plus the photos in Floyd"s college botany book, I am prepared to say that Zenith does not look like any of the ivies pictured there. I mean, it looks like them in the same way that Fords look like Bugattis- I mean, it looks like them in the same way that Fords look like Bugattis- they are both gasoline-powered vehicles with four rubber tires-but that"s they are both gasoline-powered vehicles with four rubber tires-but that"s as close as it comes. as close as it comes.
Second: Although the little sign poked into the soil of Zenith"s pot identified him as "Common Ivy," there is apparently no such thing. There identified him as "Common Ivy," there is apparently no such thing. There is poison ivy, and Virginia Creeper, and Ground Ivy, and Boston Ivy, and is poison ivy, and Virginia Creeper, and Ground Ivy, and Boston Ivy, and j.a.panese Ivy; there is also English Ivy, and I suppose that might be called j.a.panese Ivy; there is also English Ivy, and I suppose that might be called Common Ivy by some people, but Zenith looks more like a cross between Common Ivy by some people, but Zenith looks more like a cross between j.a.panese Ivy and poison ivy than it does English Ivy. Sending Kenton a j.a.panese Ivy and poison ivy than it does English Ivy. Sending Kenton a poison ivy plant sounds like something that would tickle the bejabbers poison ivy plant sounds like something that would tickle the bejabbers out of a fellow like Carlos Detweiller, but I have handled it, felt its leaves out of a fellow like Carlos Detweiller, but I have handled it, felt its leaves and vines, and have no rash. Nor am I immune. I had some killer cases of and vines, and have no rash. Nor am I immune. I had some killer cases of poison ivy when Floyd and I were kids. poison ivy when Floyd and I were kids.
Third: As Jackson said, it smells like cannibis sativa. I dropped into a florist"s on my way home tonight and smelled a Boston Ivy and a hybrid a florist"s on my way home tonight and smelled a Boston Ivy and a hybrid called a Marion Ivy. Neither smelled like pot. I asked the proprietor if he called a Marion Ivy. Neither smelled like pot. I asked the proprietor if he knew of any ivies that smelled like marijuana and he said no-he said the knew of any ivies that smelled like marijuana and he said no-he said the only plant he knew of which smelled much like growing cannibis is called only plant he knew of which smelled much like growing cannibis is called dark columbine. dark columbine.
Fourth: It is growing at a speed which I find just a bit frightening. I"ve carefully gone over my few references to the plant in this journal-and carefully gone over my few references to the plant in this journal-and believe me when I say that if I had known how much it was going to prey believe me when I say that if I had known how much it was going to prey on my mind there would have been more-and have noted the following: on my mind there would have been more-and have noted the following: on February 23rd, when it arrived, I believed it would most probably die; on February 23rd, when it arrived, I believed it would most probably die; on the 4th of this month I noted a healthier appearance, an improved on the 4th of this month I noted a healthier appearance, an improved smell, four open leaves and two more unfurling, plus a single tendril smell, four open leaves and two more unfurling, plus a single tendril which reached to the edge of the pot. Now there are almost two dozen which reached to the edge of the pot. Now there are almost two dozen leaves, broad and dark green and oily looking. The tendril which had leaves, broad and dark green and oily looking. The tendril which had reached the lip of the pot has now attached itself to the wall and runs nearly six inches up toward the ceiling. It would look almost like an FM radio reached the lip of the pot has now attached itself to the wall and runs nearly six inches up toward the ceiling. It would look almost like an FM radio antenna except for the tightened curls of the new leaves along its length. antenna except for the tightened curls of the new leaves along its length. Other tendrils have begun to crawl along the shelf where I put the plant, Other tendrils have begun to crawl along the shelf where I put the plant, and they are attaching themselves in the best ivy tradition. I pulled one of and they are attaching themselves in the best ivy tradition. I pulled one of these tendrils loose (had to stand on my overturned mop-bucket to get to these tendrils loose (had to stand on my overturned mop-bucket to get to Zenith"s level) and it came...but with surprising reluctance. The tendrils Zenith"s level) and it came...but with surprising reluctance. The tendrils have stuck themselves to the wooden shelf with surprising tightness. I have stuck themselves to the wooden shelf with surprising tightness. I could hear the minute ripping sound the tendril I chose made when it could hear the minute ripping sound the tendril I chose made when it parted company from the wood, and I did not much care for the sound. parted company from the wood, and I did not much care for the sound. It left little marks in the paint. It has, near the pot, produced a single dark It left little marks in the paint. It has, near the pot, produced a single dark blue flower-not very pretty or remarkable. It is of the sort, I believe, produced by the type of ivy commonly called gill-over-the-ground. But...all blue flower-not very pretty or remarkable. It is of the sort, I believe, produced by the type of ivy commonly called gill-over-the-ground. But...all of this in three weeks? of this in three weeks?
I have an unpleasant feeling about this plant. It"s as much in the way I so easily and unconsciously refer to it as "him," I think, as in its extraordinary growth-spurt. I think I want to have a botanist look at it. Floyd will I so easily and unconsciously refer to it as "him," I think, as in its extraordinary growth-spurt. I think I want to have a botanist look at it. Floyd will know one. There"s one other thing but I don"t even want to write it down. know one. There"s one other thing but I don"t even want to write it down. I th I th
(later)
That was my Aunt Olympia, calling from Babylon, Alabama. My mother is dead. It was very sudden, she said through her tears. A heart mother is dead. It was very sudden, she said through her tears. A heart attack. During her nap. No pain, she said through her tears. How does attack. During her nap. No pain, she said through her tears. How does anyone know. Oh bulls.h.i.t, my mother. I loved her. Aunt O. said she"s been anyone know. Oh bulls.h.i.t, my mother. I loved her. Aunt O. said she"s been trying Floyd but no one answers, oh I did love her my sweet fat uncomplaining mother who saw so much more than she said and knew so much trying Floyd but no one answers, oh I did love her my sweet fat uncomplaining mother who saw so much more than she said and knew so much more than she let on. Oh I did love her and love her. more than she let on. Oh I did love her and love her.
Movement now is best. Floyd first then arrangements; family; burial. Oh mama I love you. Oh mama I love you.
I"ve had whiskey. Two big gulps. Now I"ll write it. That plant. Zenith. Zenith the Common Ivy. Can"t be an ivy. f.u.c.king thing"s carnivorous. I Zenith the Common Ivy. Can"t be an ivy. f.u.c.king thing"s carnivorous. I saw two leaves that were open three days ago rolled up today. So I saw two leaves that were open three days ago rolled up today. So I unrolled them. This is when I was standing on the mop-bucket, looking unrolled them. This is when I was standing on the mop-bucket, looking at it. Dead fly inside of one. What I think was a mostly decomposed baby at it. Dead fly inside of one. What I think was a mostly decomposed baby spider inside the other. No time now. I"ll deal with it another time. spider inside the other. No time now. I"ll deal with it another time.
Christ I wish I"d said goodbye to my mamma. Does anyone ever get a chance to say goodbye? a chance to say goodbye?
From The New York Post, The New York Post, page 1, March 27, 1981: page 1, March 27, 1981:
MAD GENERAL DIES IN MORTUARY HORROR!.
(Special to the Post Post) The mingled ashes of a man and a woman were recovered from the floor outside the crematorium of the Shady Rest (L.I.) Mortuary yesterday afternoon, and the ashes and bones of a second man, believed to be Major General Anthony R. Hecksler (Ret.), who escaped from Oak Cove Asylum in upstate New York twenty-three days ago, were discovered inside the crematorium furnace itself.
The other two dead were Mr. And Mrs. Hubert D. Leekstodder, owners of the Shady Rest.
Sources close to the investigation told the Post Post yesterday that Hecksler had had business dealings with Mr. And Mrs. Leekstodder some years ago, and that they were on his "grudge-list." A police official who asked not to be identified said that the madman left a note behind identifying the Leekstodders as "foremen of the antichrist" and "real allaround losers." yesterday that Hecksler had had business dealings with Mr. And Mrs. Leekstodder some years ago, and that they were on his "grudge-list." A police official who asked not to be identified said that the madman left a note behind identifying the Leekstodders as "foremen of the antichrist" and "real allaround losers."
The note was found pinned to the earlobe of a corpse in the Mortuary"s composing room.
"Losers or not, they are real crispy now," said Police Lieutenant Rodney Marksland of the Long Island Police Department.
According to the Post"s Post"s police source, details of what is now believed to be a suicide and double murder are extremely grisly. "We think he killed the Leekstodders first and then stuffed the bodies into the crematorium, mostly because it is just too horrible to believe he could have stuffed them in there while they were still alive," the source said. "But there"s not much doubt about what he did then- raked out their ashes, turned on the gas, crawled in himself-although the temperature must have still be very high-and just flicked his Bic. Poof! 3,000 degrees of spot heat. The jets were still flaming when the heat alarms went off in the house across the street and the Leekstodders" daughter-in-law came to see what was going on." police source, details of what is now believed to be a suicide and double murder are extremely grisly. "We think he killed the Leekstodders first and then stuffed the bodies into the crematorium, mostly because it is just too horrible to believe he could have stuffed them in there while they were still alive," the source said. "But there"s not much doubt about what he did then- raked out their ashes, turned on the gas, crawled in himself-although the temperature must have still be very high-and just flicked his Bic. Poof! 3,000 degrees of spot heat. The jets were still flaming when the heat alarms went off in the house across the street and the Leekstodders" daughter-in-law came to see what was going on."
It was not a Bic lighter that the mad General actually flicked, but a platinum-plated Zippo with the Army Emblem on it and engraved TO TONY FROM DOUG/AUG. 7th, 1945. The "Doug" referred to is believed to be Hecksler"s close friend General Douglas MacArthur.
"It was Iron-Guts, all right," the Post"s Post"s source claimed, adding that in addition to the lighter, searchers found a number of items amid the bone-dotted clumps of ashes in the death oven that have been positively identified as belonging to Hecksler. Although he declined to name all of these items, our exclusive source revealed to the source claimed, adding that in addition to the lighter, searchers found a number of items amid the bone-dotted clumps of ashes in the death oven that have been positively identified as belonging to Hecksler. Although he declined to name all of these items, our exclusive source revealed to the Post Post that two of them were gold teeth implanted following the end of World War II. Hecksler was briefly captured by the Germans during an intelligence operation in November of 1944, and two of his teeth were pulled during his interrogation. It was the replacements for those two teeth which investigators found in the crematorium furnace, according to the that two of them were gold teeth implanted following the end of World War II. Hecksler was briefly captured by the Germans during an intelligence operation in November of 1944, and two of his teeth were pulled during his interrogation. It was the replacements for those two teeth which investigators found in the crematorium furnace, according to the Post"s Post"s source. source.
Related stories: New Yorkers Breathe Sigh of Relief (4); Colorful career of Iron-Guts Hecksler Recalled (Centerfold).
F R O M T H E D I S P A T C H E S O F I R O N - G U T S H E C K S L E R.
[Editor"s note:These dispatches were written in a number of blank S & H Green Stamp books
which the General apparently carried on his person at all times.]
Mar 29 81
1990 hrs Location Cla.s.sified
Operation Hot Foot completed successfully. Two more foremen of the Antichrist successfully dispatched back to the h.e.l.l they came from. Also one b.u.m. Sorry I had to give up the lighter. Hurt self plenty, but okay. Can take pain. Always could. HA!! Newspapers say I"m dead. Burn uniform. Behind enemy lines. Shot if caught. Been there before, HA!! Going gets tough. Tough get going. Never punt on 4th down. Must infiltrate city. Designated Jew undoubtedly lulled by reports of my death. Guard down. Will commence Operation Bookworm coming weekend. April Fool to the Designated Jew, HA!! Have had a dream. Someone named CARLOS is looking for me. Means me harm? Yes I think so. CARLOS=spic name. Spics d.a.m.ned good fighters. Crafty. City full of mongoloid-polyglot ruffians. Worse than ever. Air full of brain-killing transmissions. Was there a terrorist named CARLOS? Doesn"t matter. Zenith House my objective. Infiltrate on weekend. Kill Designated Jew. Kill whole staff if poss. Kill CARLOS if CARLOS does indeed exist. All foremen of the Antichrist. I will be able to think about Antichrist & other things better after I get some suppositories.
A memo from HAR L
DAT E : 3/30/81.
TO: Roger Wade, Editor in Chief, Zenith House SUBJECT: Three Books!! The Principle of Gravity!!
Rog!
Listen, babes, I took a meeting last Fri with Teddy Graustark, the Apex veep in charge of Print Media. Main topic was mags: Hot Tools, Raw Cycle, Hot Tools, Raw Cycle, Third World Mercenary, Your Pregnancy, Third World Mercenary, Your Pregnancy, and and h.o.r.n.y Babes. h.o.r.n.y Babes. We"re dropping all of them except for We"re dropping all of them except for Third World Mercenary Third World Mercenary and Y and Your Pregnancy. Subj of Zenith House also came up. I bought you a little more time, babes, but forget the year I promised you (which would be down to nine months now anyway, want a sub to Y Subj of Zenith House also came up. I bought you a little more time, babes, but forget the year I promised you (which would be down to nine months now anyway, want a sub to Your Pregnancy?-joke). Graustark will give you until June 30th to come up with three (3) books you guaren-G.o.dd.a.m.n-tee guaren-G.o.dd.a.m.n-tee will hit will hit The New York Times The New York Times Bestseller List. If you can do this, I think your job might be safe until summer of 1982. If they actually Bestseller List. If you can do this, I think your job might be safe until summer of 1982. If they actually become become bestsellers, it"ll be safe until the middle of the decade or even longer. Fail to do this, and the Zenith operation goes the way of bestsellers, it"ll be safe until the middle of the decade or even longer. Fail to do this, and the Zenith operation goes the way of Hot Tools Hot Tools and and Raw Cycle Raw Cycle by the end of October. by the end of October.
You may be p.i.s.sed about this, Roger-babes, but Graustark hit me with his version of the Law of Gravity which struck me as TRUE TRUE TRUE!: s.h.i.t ROLLS DOWNHILL! s.h.i.t ROLLS DOWNHILL! That"s it in a nutsh.e.l.l. And altho sad, it"s true. This particular ball o" s.h.i.t started with the Number One Apex Big Chief & Head Honcho, Sherwyn Redbone, then rolled down to me. I am now rolling it down to you, Rog, and I a.s.sume you will roll it on down to your editorial staff, who just might be able to stop it before it gets all the way down to the bottom of the hill. If they That"s it in a nutsh.e.l.l. And altho sad, it"s true. This particular ball o" s.h.i.t started with the Number One Apex Big Chief & Head Honcho, Sherwyn Redbone, then rolled down to me. I am now rolling it down to you, Rog, and I a.s.sume you will roll it on down to your editorial staff, who just might be able to stop it before it gets all the way down to the bottom of the hill. If they can"t can"t stop it, your cozy little home at bottom of said hill is going to be buried beneath a huge & smelly ball of s.h.i.t. stop it, your cozy little home at bottom of said hill is going to be buried beneath a huge & smelly ball of s.h.i.t.
To recapitulate (that"s not the one that means surrender, is it?), here is your mission, should you choose to accept it (joke). Three (3) books which you guaran-G.o.dd.a.m.n-tee guaran-G.o.dd.a.m.n-tee to be bestsellers, delivered by June 30th. All three must hit the to be bestsellers, delivered by June 30th. All three must hit the Times Times list list this year, this year, which means you better get them in production as soon as possible. which means you better get them in production as soon as possible.
Sorry about the rush-rush, babes, but to quote The Chairman of the Board (Frank Sinatra, not Mr. Redbone), "That"s life, that"s how it goes."
Yours,
Harl Enders Comptroller, Apex
from the office of the editor-in-chief
TO: John Kenton, Herb Porter, Bill Gelb, Sandra Jackson DATE: 3/30/81
MESSAGE: Okay, fearless editorial staff, the balloon has gone up. You will want to read the attached Harlow Enders masterpiece for yourselves, but the challenge we have been given is clear: to put three paperbacks on the Times list, where no Zenith House product has ever gone before, on or before December 31st. This is absurd, of course-like challenging someone to climb Mount Everest in Bermuda shorts and tennis shoes-but that changes nothing. Editorial meeting later today, as always, but for now I"d like it in writing: do list, where no Zenith House product has ever gone before, on or before December 31st. This is absurd, of course-like challenging someone to climb Mount Everest in Bermuda shorts and tennis shoes-but that changes nothing. Editorial meeting later today, as always, but for now I"d like it in writing: do any any of you have a book you consider to be bestseller material? I want memos by noon. of you have a book you consider to be bestseller material? I want memos by noon.
Memos, please, not calls. From now until the end, I want transcriptions of everything we do. If nothing else, I might want a large wad of paper to stuff up somebody"s a.s.s. please, not calls. From now until the end, I want transcriptions of everything we do. If nothing else, I might want a large wad of paper to stuff up somebody"s a.s.s.
Roger
i n t e r o f f i c e m e m o
TO: Roger
FROM: Bill Gelb RE: Possible Bestseller???
You"re kidding, of course. This is lunacy. I have a new Mort Yeager (he wrote it in the prison library-Attica) and it"s publishable after we take out the b.e.s.t.i.a.lity (halfway through the book, I"m not s.h.i.tting you on this, the villain has s.e.x with his housecat), but that"s about it. We also did succeed in getting rights to novelize Lesbo Dracula Lesbo Dracula (see pictorial in this month"s ish of (see pictorial in this month"s ish of h.o.r.n.y Babes) h.o.r.n.y Babes), but now there seems to be some question if it will be released anywhere except the p.o.r.no houses. Otherwise, the cupboard is bare.