"How could I?" I asked. "How could I, when none of you wrote and told me? Not so much as a word?" told me? Not so much as a word?"
That was the one shot of mine that went home. Maddy flushed. Sophie and Evvie looked away, saw the treasure scattered on the bed, and Sophie and Evvie looked away, saw the treasure scattered on the bed, and then looked away from that, too. then looked away from that, too.
"Would you have come?" Floyd asked quietly. "If we"d written you, Riddie, would you have come?" Riddie, would you have come?"
"Of course," I said, and heard the terrible stiff falsity in my voice. So, of course, did they...and the moral advantage pa.s.sed away from me. For of course, did they...and the moral advantage pa.s.sed away from me. For tonight, most likely for good, as far as they are concerned. That their own tonight, most likely for good, as far as they are concerned. That their own moral stance was at least partly an excuse for reprehensible behavior I do moral stance was at least partly an excuse for reprehensible behavior I do not doubt. But their anger at me was genuine, and at least partly justified-I don"t doubt that, either. not doubt. But their anger at me was genuine, and at least partly justified-I don"t doubt that, either.
"Of course," he said, nodding and grinning his red-eyed grin. "Of course course."
"We took care of her," Maddy said. "We banded together and we took care of her. There was no hospital and no nursing home, even after took care of her. There was no hospital and no nursing home, even after she started to wander. After the riverbank adventure I slept here some she started to wander. After the riverbank adventure I slept here some nights; so did Sophie; so did Evelyn and Floyd. Everyone but you, Rid. nights; so did Sophie; so did Evelyn and Floyd. Everyone but you, Rid. And how did she thank us? By leaving us a worthless house and a worthless barn and four acres of nearly worthless land. The things that And how did she thank us? By leaving us a worthless house and a worthless barn and four acres of nearly worthless land. The things that were were worth something-money that could pay off the credit cards Floyd uses worth something-money that could pay off the credit cards Floyd uses for his business and give Jack a little more breathing-s.p.a.ce-those she for his business and give Jack a little more breathing-s.p.a.ce-those she denied us. So we took them. And you come in, Mr. Smart Northern denied us. So we took them. And you come in, Mr. Smart Northern n.i.g.g.e.r comes in, and tells us we"re ghouls stealing the pennies off a dead n.i.g.g.e.r comes in, and tells us we"re ghouls stealing the pennies off a dead woman"s eyes." woman"s eyes."
"But Maddy...don"t you see that if what you take isn"t what she wanted to give, no matter how much of a tight place you"re in or how bad wanted to give, no matter how much of a tight place you"re in or how bad you need it, that"s stealing? Stealing from your own mother?" you need it, that"s stealing? Stealing from your own mother?"
"My own mother was crazy!" she cried at me in a whispered shriek. she cried at me in a whispered shriek. She pistoned her tiny fists in the air, I think expressing her frustration that She pistoned her tiny fists in the air, I think expressing her frustration that I should continue to balk over a point that was so clear to her...perhaps I should continue to balk over a point that was so clear to her...perhaps because she had been there, she had seen Mama"s craziness at its fruitiest, because she had been there, she had seen Mama"s craziness at its fruitiest, and I had not. " and I had not. "She lived the last part of her life crazy and she died crazy! That will was crazy!" That will was crazy!"
"We earned earned this here," Sophie said, first patting Maddy"s back and this here," Sophie said, first patting Maddy"s back and then drawing her gently away from me, "so never mind your talk about then drawing her gently away from me, "so never mind your talk about stealing. She tried to give away what was ours. I don"t blame her for it, she stealing. She tried to give away what was ours. I don"t blame her for it, she was was crazy, but it"s not going to stand. Riddie, you just want to take all your crazy, but it"s not going to stand. Riddie, you just want to take all your Boy Scout ideas on out of here and let us finish our business." Boy Scout ideas on out of here and let us finish our business."
"That"s right," Evvie said. "Go on down and get a gla.s.s of wine. If Boy Scouts drink wine, that is. Tell them we"ll be down directly." Boy Scouts drink wine, that is. Tell them we"ll be down directly."
I looked at Floyd. He nodded, not smiling now. By then none of them were smiling. Smiling was done. "That"s it, little brother. And never mind were smiling. Smiling was done. "That"s it, little brother. And never mind that oh-poor-me look on your face. You stuck your nose in where it didn"t belong. If you got bee-stung, it"s n.o.body"s fault but your own." that oh-poor-me look on your face. You stuck your nose in where it didn"t belong. If you got bee-stung, it"s n.o.body"s fault but your own."
At the last I looked at Maddy. Just hoping. Well, hope in one hand and s.h.i.t in the other; even a puffick idiot knows how that one turns out. and s.h.i.t in the other; even a puffick idiot knows how that one turns out.
"Go on," she said. "I can"t bear to look at you."
I went back down the stairs like a man in a dream, and when Aunt Olympia laid her hand on my arm and asked what was wrong up there, I Olympia laid her hand on my arm and asked what was wrong up there, I smiled and said nothing, we were just talking over old times and got a little hot under the collar. The Southern family at its finest; paging smiled and said nothing, we were just talking over old times and got a little hot under the collar. The Southern family at its finest; paging Tennessee Williams. I said I was going into town to get a few things, and Tennessee Williams. I said I was going into town to get a few things, and when Aunt Olly asked me what things-meaning what had she forgotten when Aunt Olly asked me what things-meaning what had she forgotten when she stocked for Mama"s last party-I didn"t answer her. I just went when she stocked for Mama"s last party-I didn"t answer her. I just went on out, marching straight ahead with that meaningless little smile on my on out, marching straight ahead with that meaningless little smile on my face, and got into my rental car. Basically what I"ve done since is just keep face, and got into my rental car. Basically what I"ve done since is just keep going. I left a few clothes and a paperback book, and they can stay there going. I left a few clothes and a paperback book, and they can stay there until the end of the age, as far as it concerns me. And all the while I"ve until the end of the age, as far as it concerns me. And all the while I"ve been moving I"ve also been replaying what I saw as I stood unnoticed in been moving I"ve also been replaying what I saw as I stood unnoticed in her doorway: drawers pulled out and underwear scattered and them on her doorway: drawers pulled out and underwear scattered and them on the bed with their hands full of her things and the cover of her tin box set the bed with their hands full of her things and the cover of her tin box set aside. And everything they said may have been true, or partially true (I aside. And everything they said may have been true, or partially true (I think the most convincing lies think the most convincing lies are are almost always partially true), but what almost always partially true), but what I remember most clearly is their overheard laughter, which had nothing in I remember most clearly is their overheard laughter, which had nothing in it of absconding partners or husbands teetering on the edge of insolvency it of absconding partners or husbands teetering on the edge of insolvency or credit card bills long past due and stamped with those ugly red-ink or credit card bills long past due and stamped with those ugly red-ink warnings. Nothing to do with kids needing money for college, either. The warnings. Nothing to do with kids needing money for college, either. The rue count, in other words, was zero. The laughter I overheard was that of rue count, in other words, was zero. The laughter I overheard was that of pirates or trolls who have found buried treasure and are dividing it up, pirates or trolls who have found buried treasure and are dividing it up, perchance by the light of a silver dollar pancake moon. I went down the perchance by the light of a silver dollar pancake moon. I went down the stairs and down the back porch steps and away from that place like a man stairs and down the back porch steps and away from that place like a man in a dream, and I am still that dreamer, sitting in a train with ink splattered in a dream, and I am still that dreamer, sitting in a train with ink splattered all the way up my hand to the wrist and several pages of scribbling, probably indecipherable, now behind me. How foolish it is to write, what a all the way up my hand to the wrist and several pages of scribbling, probably indecipherable, now behind me. How foolish it is to write, what a pitiful bulwark against this world"s hard realities and bitter home truths. pitiful bulwark against this world"s hard realities and bitter home truths. How terrible to say, "This is all I have." Everything aches: hand, wrist, How terrible to say, "This is all I have." Everything aches: hand, wrist, arm, head, heart. I am going to close my eyes and try to sleep...at least to arm, head, heart. I am going to close my eyes and try to sleep...at least to doze. doze.
It"s Maddy"s face that terrifies me. Greed has made her a stranger to me. A terrible stranger, like one of those female monsters in the Greek me. A terrible stranger, like one of those female monsters in the Greek fairy-tales. No doubt I fairy-tales. No doubt I am am a prig, just as they said, a self-righteous prig, a prig, just as they said, a self-righteous prig, but nothing will change what I saw in their eyes when they didn"t know I but nothing will change what I saw in their eyes when they didn"t know I was seeing them. was seeing them.
Nothing.
More than my book, I find it"s the simplicities of work that I long for-Kenton"s endless self-a.n.a.lysis and agonizing, Gelb"s amusing fixation with the dice, Porter"s even more amusing fixation with the seat of for-Kenton"s endless self-a.n.a.lysis and agonizing, Gelb"s amusing fixation with the dice, Porter"s even more amusing fixation with the seat of Sandra Jackson"s office chair. I wouldn"t even mind having it off with her Sandra Jackson"s office chair. I wouldn"t even mind having it off with her again, starring in one of her fantasies. I want the simplicity of my janitor"s again, starring in one of her fantasies. I want the simplicity of my janitor"s cubby, where all things are known, normal, unsurprising. I want to see if cubby, where all things are known, normal, unsurprising. I want to see if that pitiful little ivy is maintaining its toehold on life. that pitiful little ivy is maintaining its toehold on life.
Around moonset, the Silver Meteor crossed the Mason-Dixon line. My sisters and my brother are on the other side of that line now, and I"m My sisters and my brother are on the other side of that line now, and I"m glad. glad.
I can"t wait to get back to New York.
Later/8 A.M.
Slept for almost five hours. My neck is stiff and my back feels like a mule kicked me, but on the whole I feel a little better. At least I was able to eat kicked me, but on the whole I feel a little better. At least I was able to eat a little breakfast. I thought the idea I woke with might go away in the dining car, but it has remained clear. The idea-the intuition-is that if I were a little breakfast. I thought the idea I woke with might go away in the dining car, but it has remained clear. The idea-the intuition-is that if I were to go into the office instead of switching trains for Dobbs Ferry, I might to go into the office instead of switching trains for Dobbs Ferry, I might feel better yet. I feel drawn there. It"s as though I had a dream about the feel better yet. I feel drawn there. It"s as though I had a dream about the place, one I can"t quite remember. place, one I can"t quite remember.
Maybe it"s the plant-Zenith the ivy. My subconscious telling me to go in and water the poor little thing before it dies of thirst. go in and water the poor little thing before it dies of thirst.
Well...why not?
F R O M T H E D I S P AT C H E S O F I R O N - G U T S H E C K S L E R.
Apr 4 81 0600 hrs Pk Ave So NYC
Zero hour approaching. I plan to make my entry into the Publishing House of Satan across the street in 2-3 hours. "Crazy Guitar Gertie" disguise put away. Respectable businessman in weekend clothes now, HA!
Look out, you Designated Jew. I will be in your office by noon, waiting
On Monday morning your a.s.s is mine.
No more dreams of CARLOS. He may be gone. Good. One less thing to worry about.
from THE SAKRED BOO K O F C ARLOS THE SAKRED BOO K O F C ARLOS
SAKRED MONTH OFAPRA (Entry #79)
Sat.u.r.day morning. As soon as I finish this entry, I leave for Zenith
House of Kaka-p.o.o.p. Have my "special suitcase" with all sakred sacrifice
knives. They are "plenty sharp," too! I am dressed nice, like a business
man on his Sat.u.r.day in the city. I should have no problems penetrating
into that house of thiefs and mockers.
Wonder if Kenton got my "little present."
Wonder if he knows what"s happening with his girl-friend or should
I say ex girlfriend. Too bad he"ll be dead before she can give him anymore
"p.u.s.s.y." Innocent blood! Innocent blood from her if no other first!