--But I had the impression that the author of the Spectator was afflicted with a dropsy, or some such inflated malady, to which persons of sedentary and bibacious habits are liable. [A literary swell,--I thought to myself, but I did not say it. I felt too serious.]
--The author of the Spectator!--cried out Dr. Benjamin,--I mean the celebrated Dr. Addison, inventor, I would say discoverer, of the wonderful new disease called after him.
--And what may this valuable invention or discovery consist in?--I asked, for I was curious to know the nature of the gift which this benefactor of the race had bestowed upon us.
--A most interesting affection, and rare, too. Allow me to look closely at that discoloration once more for a moment. Cutis cenea, bronze skin, they call it sometimes--extraordinary pigmentation--a little more to the light, if you please--ah! now I get the bronze coloring admirably, beautifully! Would you have any objection to showing your case to the Societies of Medical Improvement and Medical Observation?
[--My case! O dear!] May I ask if any vital organ is commonly involved in this interesting complaint?--I said, faintly.
--Well, sir,--the young Doctor replied,--there is an organ which is --sometimes--a little touched, I may say; a very curious and ingenious little organ or pair of organs. Did you ever hear of the Capsulae, Suprarenales?
--No,--said I,--is it a mortal complaint?--I ought to have known better than to ask such a question, but I was getting nervous and thinking about all sorts of horrid maladies people are liable to, with horrid names to match.
--It is n"t a complaint,--I mean they are not a complaint,--they are two small organs, as I said, inside of you, and n.o.body knows what is the use of them. The most curious thing is that when anything is the matter with them you turn of the color of bronze. After all, I didn"t mean to say I believed it was Morbus Addisonii; I only thought of that when I saw the discoloration.
So he gave me a recipe, which I took care to put where it could do no hurt to anybody, and I paid him his fee (which he took with the air of a man in the receipt of a great income) and said Good-morning.
--What in the name of a thousand diablos is the reason these confounded doctors will mention their guesses about "a case," as they call it, and all its conceivable possibilities, out loud before their patients? I don"t suppose there is anything in all this nonsense about "Addison"s Disease," but I wish he hadn"t spoken of that very interesting ailment, and I should feel a little easier if that discoloration would leave my forehead. I will ask the Landlady about it,--these old women often know more than the young doctors just come home with long names for everything they don"t know how to cure. But the name of this complaint sets me thinking. Bronzed skin! What an odd idea! Wonder if it spreads all over one. That would be picturesque and pleasant, now, wouldn"t it?
To be made a living statue of,--nothing to do but strike an att.i.tude.
Arm up--so--like the one in the Garden. John of Bologna"s Mercury--thus on one foot. Needy knife-grinder in the Tribune at Florence. No, not "needy," come to think of it. Marcus Aurelius on horseback. Query. Are horses subject to the Morbus Addisonii? Advertise for a bronzed living horse--Lyceum invitations and engagements--bronze versus bra.s.s.--What "s the use in being frightened? Bet it was a b.u.mp. Pretty certain I b.u.mped my forehead against something. Never heard of a bronzed man before. Have seen white men, black men, red men, yellow men, two or three blue men, stained with doctor"s stuff; some green ones, from the country; but never a bronzed man. Poh, poh! Sure it was a b.u.mp. Ask Landlady to look at it.
--Landlady did look at it. Said it was a b.u.mp, and no mistake.
Recommended a piece of brown paper dipped in vinegar. Made the house smell as if it were in quarantine for the plague from Smyrna, but discoloration soon disappeared,--so I did not become a bronzed man after all,--hope I never shall while I am alive. Should n"t mind being done in bronze after I was dead. On second thoughts not so clear about it, remembering how some of them look that we have got stuck up in public; think I had rather go down to posterity in an Ethiopian Minstrel portrait, like our friend"s the other day.
--You were kind enough to say, I remarked to the Master, that you read my poems and liked them. Perhaps you would be good enough to tell me what it is you like about them?
The Master harpooned a breakfast-roll and held it up before me.--Will you tell me,--he said,--why you like that breakfast-roll?--I suppose he thought that would stop my mouth in two senses. But he was mistaken.
--To be sure I will,--said I.--First, I like its mechanical consistency; brittle externally,--that is for the teeth, which want resistance to be overcome; soft, spongy, well tempered and flavored internally, that is for the organ of taste; wholesome, nutritious,--that is for the internal surfaces and the system generally.
--Good,--said the Master, and laughed a hearty terrestrial laugh.
I hope he will carry that faculty of an honest laugh with him wherever he goes,--why shouldn"t he? The "order of things," as he calls it, from which hilarity was excluded, would be crippled and one-sided enough. I don"t believe the human gamut will be cheated of a single note after men have done breathing this fatal atmospheric mixture and die into the ether of immortality!
I did n"t say all that; if I had said it, it would have brought a pellet from the popgun, I feel quite certain.
The Master went on after he had had out his laugh.--There is one thing I am His Imperial Majesty about, and that is my likes and dislikes.
What if I do like your verses,--you can"t help yourself. I don"t doubt somebody or other hates "em and hates you and everything you do, or ever did, or ever can do. He is all right; there is nothing you or I like that somebody does n"t hate. Was there ever anything wholesome that was not poison to somebody? If you hate honey or cheese, or the products of the dairy,--I know a family a good many of whose members can"t touch milk, b.u.t.ter, cheese, and the like, why, say so, but don"t find fault with the bees and the cows. Some are afraid of roses, and I have known those who thought a pond-lily a disagreeable neighbor. That Boy will give you the metaphysics of likes and dislikes. Look here,--you young philosopher over there,--do you like candy?
That Boy.--You bet! Give me a stick and see if I don"t.
And can you tell me why you like candy?
That Boy.--Because I do.
--There, now, that is the whole matter in a nutsh.e.l.l. Why do your teeth like crackling crust, and your organs of taste like spongy crumb, and your digestive contrivances take kindly to bread rather than toadstools--
That Boy (thinking he was still being catechised).--Because they do.
Whereupon the Landlady said, Sh! and the Young Girl laughed, and the Lady smiled; and Dr. Ben Franklin kicked him, moderately, under the table, and the Astronomer looked up at the ceiling to see what had happened, and the Member of the Haouse cried, Order! Order! and the Salesman said, Shut up, cash-boy! and the rest of the boarders kept on feeding; except the Master, who looked very hard but half approvingly at the small intruder, who had come about as nearly right as most professors would have done.
--You poets,--the Master said after this excitement had calmed down, --you poets have one thing about you that is odd. You talk about everything as if you knew more about it than the people whose business it is to know all about it. I suppose you do a little of what we teachers used to call "cramming" now and then?
--If you like your breakfast you must n"t ask the cook too many questions,--I answered.
--Oh, come now, don"t be afraid of letting out your secrets. I have a notion I can tell a poet that gets himself up just as I can tell a make-believe old man on the stage by the line where the gray skullcap joins the smooth forehead of the young fellow of seventy. You"ll confess to a rhyming dictionary anyhow, won"t you?
--I would as lief use that as any other dictionary, but I don"t want it.
When a word comes up fit to end a line with I can feel all the rhymes in the language that are fit to go with it without naming them. I have tried them all so many times, I know all the polygamous words and all the monogamous ones, and all the unmarrying ones,--the whole lot that have no mates,--as soon as I hear their names called. Sometimes I run over a string of rhymes, but generally speaking it is strange what a short list it is of those that are good for anything. That is the pitiful side of all rhymed verse. Take two such words as home and world.
What can you do with chrome or loam or gnome or tome? You have dome, foam, and roam, and not much more to use in your pome, as some of our fellow-countrymen call it. As for world, you know that in all human probability somebody or something will be hurled into it or out of it; its clouds may be furled or its gra.s.s impearled; possibly something may be whirled, or curled, or have swirled, one of Leigh Hunt"s words, which with lush, one of Keats"s, is an important part of the stock in trade of some dealers in rhyme.
--And how much do you versifiers know of all those arts and sciences you refer to as if you were as familiar with them as a cobbler is with his wax and lapstone?
--Enough not to make too many mistakes. The best way is to ask some expert before one risks himself very far in ill.u.s.trations from a branch he does not know much about. Suppose, for instance, I wanted to use the double star to ill.u.s.trate anything, say the relation of two human souls to each other, what would I--do? Why, I would ask our young friend there to let me look at one of those loving celestial pairs through his telescope, and I don"t doubt he"d let me do so, and tell me their names and all I wanted to know about them.
--I should be most happy to show any of the double stars or whatever else there might be to see in the heavens to any of our friends at this table,--the young man said, so cordially and kindly that it was a real invitation.
--Show us the man in the moon,--said That Boy.--I should so like to see a double star!--said Scheherezade, with a very pretty air of smiling modesty.
--Will you go, if we make up a party?--I asked the Master.
--A cold in the head lasts me from three to five days,--answered the Master.--I am not so very fond of being out in the dew like Nebuchadnezzar: that will do for you young folks.
--I suppose I must be one of the young folks, not so young as our Scheherezade, nor so old as the Capitalist,--young enough at any rate to want to be of the party. So we agreed that on some fair night when the Astronomer should tell us that there was to be a fine show in the skies, we would make up a party and go to the Observatory. I asked the Scarabee whether he would not like to make one of us.
--Out of the question, sir, out of the question. I am altogether too much occupied with an important scientific investigation to devote any considerable part of an evening to star-gazing.
--Oh, indeed,--said I,--and may I venture to ask on what particular point you are engaged just at present?
-Certainly, sir, you may. It is, I suppose, as difficult and important a matter to be investigated as often comes before a student of natural history. I wish to settle the point once for all whether the Pediculus Mellitae is or is not the larva of Meloe.
[--Now is n"t this the drollest world to live in that one could imagine, short of being in a fit of delirium tremens? Here is a fellow-creature of mine and yours who is asked to see all the glories of the firmament brought close to him, and he is too busy with a little unmentionable parasite that infests the bristly surface of a bee to spare an hour or two of a single evening for the splendors of the universe! I must get a peep through that microscope of his and see the pediculus which occupies a larger s.p.a.ce in his mental vision than the midnight march of the solar systems.--The creature, the human one, I mean, interests me.]
--I am very curious,--I said,--about that pediculus melittae,--(just as if I knew a good deal about the little wretch and wanted to know more, whereas I had never heard him spoken of before, to my knowledge,)--could you let me have a sight of him in your microscope?
--You ought to have seen the way in which the poor dried-up little Scarabee turned towards me. His eyes took on a really human look, and I almost thought those antennae-like arms of his would have stretched themselves out and embraced me. I don"t believe any of the boarders had ever shown any interest in--him, except the little monkey of a Boy, since he had been in the house. It is not strange; he had not seemed to me much like a human being, until all at once I touched the one point where his vitality had concentrated itself, and he stood revealed a man and a brother.
--Come in,--said he,--come in, right after breakfast, and you shall see the animal that has convulsed the entomological world with questions as to his nature and origin.
--So I went into the Scarabee"s parlor, lodging-room, study, laboratory, and museum,--a--single apartment applied to these various uses, you understand.
--I wish I had time to have you show me all your treasures,--I said, --but I am afraid I shall hardly be able to do more than look at the bee-parasite. But what a superb b.u.t.terfly you have in that case!
--Oh, yes, yes, well enough,--came from South America with the beetle there; look at him! These Lepidoptera are for children to play with, pretty to look at, so some think. Give me the Coleoptera, and the kings of the Coleoptera are the beetles! Lepidoptera and Neuroptera for little folks; Coleopteras for men, sir!
--The particular beetle he showed me in the case with the magnificent b.u.t.terfly was an odious black wretch that one would say, Ugh! at, and kick out of his path, if he did not serve him worse than that. But he looked at it as a coin-collector would look at a Pescennius Niger, if the coins of that Emperor are as scarce as they used to be when I was collecting half-penny tokens and pine-tree shillings and battered bits of Roman bra.s.s with the head of Gallienus or some such old fellow on them.
--A beauty!--he exclaimed,--and the only specimen of the kind in this country, to the best of my belief. A unique, sir, and there is a pleasure in exclusive possession. Not another beetle like that short of South America, sir.